MetaChat - Part 3 of the saga.

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05 December 2005

Part 3 of the saga. In which our hero crashes and burns.→[More:]

OK, not spectacularly, but this is the end of the story (previously: parts 1 and 2) anyway.

So I start talking to her for quite a long time and she eventually mentions missing out on a chance to sample the local holiday beverage. I ask if she wants to go have some later this week. She says that she doesn't have any plans for that night but she'll have to double-check against her work schedule when she gets it today. I don't have a good feeling about this, but we keep talking for some time.

Then she brings up her quasi-ex-boyfriend. I have to say, your QUASI-ex-boyfriend? And she says she broke up with this guy about a year ago and moved a few thousand miles away, but they still talk every day, and it's "ambiguous." She worries if she is holding him back, he should really be dating other people, etc. Uh, why didn't she mention him BEFORE? Then she asks what happened to the girl I was dating before.

So, now... would it seem totally pathetic if I tried to invite other people for the night out? I think perhaps, but it seems better than the alternative, which is waiting for a delayed rejection. Or the exceedingly unlikely case of an acceptance (really, don't hold your breath) and having to go by myself which would just lead to much awkwardness.

Thanks, you've been a great audience, I'll be here all week. Tip your bunny.

post by: punch at: 05:20 | 20 comments

As an irrelevant but possibly interesting data point, she seems to have a great relationship with her parents.

posted by punch 05 December | 05:22

Dude, it's time to up the ante and brace for utter humiliation. Lay it on the line, tell her how you feel, and leave the ball firmly in her court. I did exactly that almost exactly a year ago today and, needless to say, was thoroughly humiliated. You, however, may be more successful.

Sometimes you just have to do it. Earthlings simply aren't good enough at interpreting the signals of amour to leave this sort of thing to chance.

posted by veedubya 05 December | 06:24

I'm with veedubya. I say be up front about regarding it as a date, that you want to spend the time getting to know her etc. If she balks, are you really still interested? She smacks of a head game champ with a specialty in evasion, to me. Trust your guts.

posted by chewatadistance 05 December | 07:17

Dude, it sounds like she's stringing that guy along as a spare. Once she finds a new partner who she thinks will be around longer than five minutes she'll lose interest in Mr Spare and he'll be tossed into the bin marked "my embarassing past" or something. But seriously, she splits up with this guy, moves thousands of miles away from him and he's meant to be competition? Pffft.

veedubya is basically right I think. You need to make yourself clear sooner rather than later. Whatever you do don't go into a long drawn out process over this cos you'll only end up like Mr Spare - left hanging on for when she wants a bit of attention or needs someone to put up her shelves for her.

posted by dodgygeezer 05 December | 07:18

Gotta side with the people telling you to be upfront. It's the only way.

posted by jrossi4r 05 December | 10:38

Then she asks what happened to the girl I was dating before.

*manic giggle*
"Oh, they'll never find her!"

posted by quonsar 05 December | 11:00

What happened to the girl before? You broke up.
"I'm still talking to my quasi-ex-boyfriend..."
"Well, he won't mind if you go on a date with me."

You don't need to "tell her how you feel." ("Excuse me, ma'am, I find you attractive and would like to ejaculate with you in the vicinity.")
You need to ASK HER ON AN UNAMBIGUOUS DATE.
Saying the word "date" means that you'll both be clear on what you want and what's going to happen. Don't say "hang out." Don't say "get together." Say "Do you want to go on a date?"
She'll either say yes or no. If she says yes, you go on the date and make the best of it. If she says no, you remember that at least you don't have cerebral lesions and bitterly wish them upon her. Then you find someone else and you don't mince about the next time.

posted by klangklangston 05 December | 11:13

My gut? My gut is telling me to run! I think that the bringing up the
"quasi-ex" is intended as a signal, and if it isn't it means I should
stay away anyway. You guys seem to disagree.

Anyway, klang has it right this time--how I "felt" was that I wanted
to go on a date. It wasn't like I had some hopeless crush or
something. And now I'm no longer sure that I do. Isn't there some
point where it's better to just take a hint?

posted by punch 05 December | 11:56

Quasi-ex was a direct challenge to you: Do you mean business, or are you just into casual hanging out? She either wants you "that way" or she doesn't; it's hard to know for sure and that's the point. She doesn't want to get rejected either, so she puts an intentionally ambiguous potential rival out there, trying to flush you out one way or the other. She's probably just as insecure as you are. (Face it, how many people are really good at the dating game? And are those the people you want to date?) I bet she's asking her buds on some other forum whether you're for real or not, cuz she really *likes* you. And the quasi-ex is probably what they advised her to tell you to get you to state your intentions.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Bottom line: Go for it.

posted by Doohickie 05 December | 12:43

Punch, you may be reading more into that than is there. Maybe she was just making conversation-or is wondering what your intentions are. She liked you well enough to show up at an occasion with you, so I doubt she'll shoot you down if you ask her for coffee or something. Be brave, little soldier.

posted by bunnyfire 05 December | 12:45

"Excuse me, ma'am, I find you attractive and would like to ejaculate with you in the vicinity."

That's hot.

posted by jrossi4r 05 December | 12:52

I don't know if it was a signal as much as it was a way to ferret out your intentions. But I could be wrong! Additionally, I feel compelled to add: I basically agree with all of the above comments that began with "Dude".

On preview: what Doohickie just said.

posted by safetyfork 05 December | 13:13

How on earth is mentioning this guy supposed to flush me out? In her mind, what would she expect me to say in response that would flush myself out? It was a good segue for her to ask about my ex, but... am I missing something?

I think you guys are nuts. But what the hell, even if I fall flat on my face it won't kill me. Let's see what happens.

posted by punch 05 December | 13:28

She talked about her ex; she mentioned your ex. She may be wondering what your intentions are and bringing up the past is one way to broach the subject.

My wife actually asked about a picture hanging in my room in college, and she said she was thrilled when I answered, "Oh, that's just a girl I dated. We're not seeing each other anymore." It was an indication I was available. that was about 23 years ago, and she's still around, so it's some indication of how people think, I guess.

Your gal's trying to figure out whether the next step is possible with you perhaps. If not, then at least you know. But if you put it on the line and she indicates she's interested, you could be in my position 23 years from now. (And that's good, in case you're wondering!)

posted by Doohickie 05 December | 13:46

Agreeing with everyone who thinks she's trying to figure out what your intentions are, which I actually said earlier, too -- that whole "Letting New Dude hit on me, then complaining about it being obnoxious" thing? Was a similar tactic. She's trying to set you up against semi-hypothetical rivals to see whether you're going to explicitly pursue her or step back and let her go on her merry way with someone else. It sounds like she has no idea whether you're thinking "just friends" or "hot date," and she's trying to force you to choose a side.

You certainly don't *have* to go for it. If this is seeming like too much drama for you, then back down. But I think most of us are reading her as being interested but unsure of where you stand, not as being uninterested.

posted by occhiblu 05 December | 14:48

(Also, look at the situation a bit from her angle: Dude who might have a girlfriend keeps inviting her out on ambiguous outings. I don't think she's trying to be manipulative or weird here, she just doesn't want to get hurt any more than you do.)

posted by occhiblu 05 December | 14:49

That's kind of what I meant when I said she was probably on some other forum trying to figure out what to do about punch. I bet she's in the same boat.

Dating, at least for "nice people" can be really difficult. Because ultimately it is selfish: you *want* a companion for yourself, right? You don't wanna get hurt; you don't wanna hurt the other party. But if one of you doesn't go for it, there you are, no further along. At least if one of you makes a bold move it forces the other to reveal their intentions.

Now, if she accepts your advances, it doesn't mean you're home free; it just means it's time for the next step- a steady relationship perhaps. If *that* works out, well, then you need to figure out what comes next.

Be upfront and honest. Honesty and communication are the very best places to begin a relationship.

posted by Doohickie 05 December | 15:21

OK, I'm convinced (enough). It's amazing how the whole world can interpret something entirely differently than I can.

posted by punch 05 December | 17:46

Update: it's on. Thanks for talking some sense into me.

posted by punch 06 December | 18:53

YAY!!!! Congratulations!

posted by occhiblu 07 December | 12:31

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