artphoto by splunge
artphoto by TheophileEscargot
artphoto by Kronos_to_Earth
artphoto by ethylene





Mecha Wiki

Metachat Eye


IRC Channels



Comment Feed:


05 October 2020

What's new? [More:]Like many people, I've been sucked into what's been happening in the US election, which has meant I've been neglecting my usual hangouts. So what's been happening with you?

I had last week off work, and had planned to tidy up the garden, but Storm Alex put paid to that, bringing a month's rain in a week. But I had a day at the coast last Monday which was wonderful. The sky on the Essex coast is huge, and my friend and I took her two little dogs with us and their pure joy at running on the beach and into the sea was a tonic for my soul.

I'm doing my best to keep fit and well, had my flu jab last week, and I've cut out snacks and unhealthy food.

We're thinking about things we can do in our street to make things fun for Christmas. I think I need to buy more lights ...
My therapist got married over the weekend, so we didn't have our usual Monday Zoom appointment. In the interim, she gave me a homework assignment to do a doodle for our next appointment.

I know that sounds like an odd assignment, but you have to understand that I am supposed to be an artist. That's pretty much all I've ever known how to do, and all I ever did all my life. But, I'm 60+ and succumbing to a lifetime of depression, anxiety, self-loathing, self-doubt, etc. etc. amplified by a lifetime of trying to make a living doing graphic design and steadily having the love for creating ground out of me, leaving nothing but pain where joy used to flourish. In the end, I turned my back from art and creating (literally the only things I've ever enjoyed doing, or could do), leaving a gaping hole in my life.

When we had in-person session, she provided me with some paper and crayons, and I would just idly, automatically, doodle as we talked. It's nearly impossible to create that same environment while on Zoom, though. Wayyyy too many distractions on screen and in the environment. So, she gave me this assignment. Do some minor doodle for our next session.

I haven't done the assignment yet. I'm very fearful of even trying, and I have a huge block against doing "art" by request/assignment. And, since I don't want to disappoint her, but I'm struggling to even so much as look at a pencil, I'm beginning to mentally beat myself up over the whole thing, which is a pretty normal thing for me in-general. Beating myself up is a fairly constant state of mind for me, as it is.


So, I'm stuck here, spinning my wheels, as yet another failure descends down on me. I just want to run away from the world.
posted by Thorzdad 06 October | 08:29
I envy anyone who is creative, Thorzdad, and those who create for the benefit and enjoyment of those who can't are so important in the world right now. I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel that it's slipping away from you. Don't give up.
posted by Senyar 06 October | 14:35
Thorzdad, that's heartbreaking. Hugs.

Spitballing here, maybe the assignment is too open. Creativity sometimes needs guiding constraints and I can see how doodling while otherwise occupied is so different. Maybe you can subvert the assignment and do some stupid simple craft, like paint a pine cone. It's like writer's block, maybe.
posted by mightshould 06 October | 18:04
So, what's up with me

I'm feeling better since the weather has cooled off some. It's nice outside instead of so brutal that all I could do after work was crawl home and veg. So I have tackled some of the fall winter prep projects like repotting the African violets and putting in a raised planter for some perennials.

And I am flabbergasted by how off the rails our election and future helps to pretend that it's the writers of "Lost" trying to come up with a show ending episode.

Mom turned 90 a couple of weeks ago. I am still keeping her at her home and assessing it daily/weekly.
posted by mightshould 07 October | 17:58
Thorzdad, keep in mind that the disruptions of Covid make everything so much worse, as well as the dystopian status of the US. I hope you can sit down with art supplies and rediscover some of your love for creating. I understand that it's hard; many things that gave me joy don't work at all right now - that's a thing that defines depression.

I dread winter; it will be difficult to stay in touch with friends, it's always difficult to manage darkness and cold. I want there to be a vaccine So. Badly.

But I get through my days, don't rink too much, though more than before. Pot's legal here, and I hoped to find some giggle-inducing variety, not so far. It does help with insomnia and joint pain, so I use some maybe once every week or 2.

Most fun was a leaf-peeping drive with a friend, masks and ventilation, of course. It felt normal, and the scenery was gorgeous.
posted by theora55 08 October | 10:04
Drumming-up a mix of shame and guilt, I managed to force myself to do a doodle. It was more of a sketch than a doodle, though. I've had this image stuck in my head for a couple of years now; a remnant of what I had witnessed/experienced during a particularly intense mental exercise a previous therapist put me through. I've wanted to get a sketch done of it ever since, but just never had enough life in me to do it. So, this was a two birds/one stone opportunity.

Now she wants me to translate the sketch onto paper (it's just a digital sketch now). That's gonna take a lot more effort, though.
posted by Thorzdad 13 October | 07:19
You did it! Nice! I'm certain that the image will change as you translate it to a different medium.
posted by mightshould 13 October | 12:32
Anyone play chess? I had a random idea.. || Tell me something good