My therapist got married over the weekend, so we didn't have our usual Monday Zoom appointment. In the interim, she gave me a homework assignment to do a doodle for our next appointment.

I know that sounds like an odd assignment, but you have to understand that I am supposed to be an artist. That's pretty much all I've ever known how to do, and all I ever did all my life. But, I'm 60+ and succumbing to a lifetime of depression, anxiety, self-loathing, self-doubt, etc. etc. amplified by a lifetime of trying to make a living doing graphic design and steadily having the love for creating ground out of me, leaving nothing but pain where joy used to flourish. In the end, I turned my back from art and creating (literally the only things I've ever enjoyed doing, or could do), leaving a gaping hole in my life.

When we had in-person session, she provided me with some paper and crayons, and I would just idly, automatically, doodle as we talked. It's nearly impossible to create that same environment while on Zoom, though. Wayyyy too many distractions on screen and in the environment. So, she gave me this assignment. Do some minor doodle for our next session.

I haven't done the assignment yet. I'm very fearful of even trying, and I have a huge block against doing "art" by request/assignment. And, since I don't want to disappoint her, but I'm struggling to even so much as look at a pencil, I'm beginning to mentally beat myself up over the whole thing, which is a pretty normal thing for me in-general. Beating myself up is a fairly constant state of mind for me, as it is.

*sigh*

So, I'm stuck here, spinning my wheels, as yet another failure descends down on me. I just want to run away from the world.

I envy anyone who is creative, Thorzdad, and those who create for the benefit and enjoyment of those who can't are so important in the world right now. I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel that it's slipping away from you. Don't give up.

Thorzdad, that's heartbreaking. Hugs.

Spitballing here, maybe the assignment is too open. Creativity sometimes needs guiding constraints and I can see how doodling while otherwise occupied is so different. Maybe you can subvert the assignment and do some stupid simple craft, like paint a pine cone. It's like writer's block, maybe.

So, what's up with me

I'm feeling better since the weather has cooled off some. It's nice outside instead of so brutal that all I could do after work was crawl home and veg. So I have tackled some of the fall winter prep projects like repotting the African violets and putting in a raised planter for some perennials.

And I am flabbergasted by how off the rails our election and future are.....it helps to pretend that it's the writers of "Lost" trying to come up with a show ending episode.

Mom turned 90 a couple of weeks ago. I am still keeping her at her home and assessing it daily/weekly.

Thorzdad, keep in mind that the disruptions of Covid make everything so much worse, as well as the dystopian status of the US. I hope you can sit down with art supplies and rediscover some of your love for creating. I understand that it's hard; many things that gave me joy don't work at all right now - that's a thing that defines depression.

I dread winter; it will be difficult to stay in touch with friends, it's always difficult to manage darkness and cold. I want there to be a vaccine So. Badly.

But I get through my days, don't rink too much, though more than before. Pot's legal here, and I hoped to find some giggle-inducing variety, not so far. It does help with insomnia and joint pain, so I use some maybe once every week or 2.

Most fun was a leaf-peeping drive with a friend, masks and ventilation, of course. It felt normal, and the scenery was gorgeous.

Drumming-up a mix of shame and guilt, I managed to force myself to do a doodle. It was more of a sketch than a doodle, though. I've had this image stuck in my head for a couple of years now; a remnant of what I had witnessed/experienced during a particularly intense mental exercise a previous therapist put me through. I've wanted to get a sketch done of it ever since, but just never had enough life in me to do it. So, this was a two birds/one stone opportunity.

Now she wants me to translate the sketch onto paper (it's just a digital sketch now). That's gonna take a lot more effort, though.

You did it! Nice! I'm certain that the image will change as you translate it to a different medium.