I got into kottke's discussion of "everything bagels", remembered the Steven Wright line ""You can't have everything, where would you put it?" and thought "Well, on a bagel, duh!"

Then I truly entered surrealist-standup territory when I thought: "I really prefer my Everything Bagels without the kitchen sink, thank you." (but I'm not sure if that's more Hedberg, Wright or Emo Philips)

I have been trying to think of a joke but now all I can think of is skydiving through bagels.

I have been trying to think of a joke but now all I can think of is skydiving through bagels.

Even through a burial vault and six feet of dirt, Verizon gives me four bars. Go ahead and laugh now, I'll replace this with something funny later.

I always keep my cell phone set on vibrate mode. That way, if a friend ever calls me up to ask "What's shaking?", I will have an appropriate answer for him.

I never eat breakfast, because I don't like to feel rushed when I'm ingesting sustenance. They should change the name to "breakslow", then I wouldn't feel so much pressure about finishing my cereal in a timely fashion.

I have a friend who's a real estate agent, and he says the three most important things to look for in a property are "location, location, location". A statement which, I think, reveals a poor grasp of list construction. The last time he said this, I replied that I could think of a thousand things wrong with his aphorism: "redundancy, redundancy, redundancy, redundancy, redundancy..."

The thing that makes this here joke a Mitch Hedberg-style joke is that it's all in the delivery, which isn't really that funny if you think about it too much, so stop thinking and enjoy Mitch! That's what I always say. That and shut up.

Oh, was that two jokes? Well, you're really getting your money's worth tonight, two jokes for the gas it took to get here. Also the air from your tires, I was feeling deflated and I needed some company. I don't feel any better but your tires all made a lot of friends.

my girlfriend's trying these diet appetizers.. I call them, restraining hors d'oeuvres!