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05 August 2010

We need another one of these provided people can behave themselves outside of MeCha.[More:]

People don't seem to be rising to my bait. Can you help me troll better? [more inside]
People keep asking me if I still beat my wife. Is there a joke behind this that I'm not getting, or are my court records online somewhere?
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 16:46
Are British people socially retarded or ... oops!
posted by Senyar 05 August | 16:55
Senyar, I believe that's what prompted this post. :-)

I'm trying to think of something, but I'm really bad at it.
posted by Stewriffic 05 August | 16:57
Last night, my boyfriend said that we "just weren't working out." I was so shocked I couldn't find any words. Help me find them! What should I say/do to convince him that yes, we are working out? [more inside]

I'm nowhere near as good at this style as Orange Swan
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 17:07
help me break up with my gf [more inside]

so like i met this grrl (totally hot) at the gathrin of the juggalos an we were taking an wen she foun dout i lived like 2 twons ova she wuz like no way! so we hukt up an that wuz like 4-5 month sago.... but like heres tha deel see shes like really fukken christian an shit an it kinna creeps me out...... but shes also totslly krazeeee cuz like anytime i look at another chik or talk to sum girl (even my sista) she flips out on me an i just cant take it...... but like when i one time talked about brakin up she wuz crtyin all ova the place an shit...... so like im kinna scared if i try to dump her shes gonna go nuts or sume shit also her bros ex mareen or speshal forses or sum shit.... plus its tuff cuz like wont we c each other at showz n stuff???? i dont want to give up on icp.. help me out ninjas
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 17:19
I don't want to go alone, and I don't want to take Aunt Judy. Will you go to the prom with me?
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 17:24
I think these would bring out the pitchforks...

"Why don't fat people just exercise more? Are they born lazy?"

"My esteemed beloved's prose is inferior and it shames me that others know her terrible writing are associated with me. Help me teach her the error of her ways. I suspect she may have Aspbergers [sic], which prevents her from having any taste."
posted by millions of peaches 05 August | 17:24
My boss is having an affair. I was prepared to ignore this, even though he gave me a bad performance review last year, but then I found out he's cheating with another man. I know, ick, right?

So, what is the most effective way I can use this information to blackmail him into giving me a good review this year? Eventually I would like to tell his wife without him finding out it was me that told, so answers should leave this option open if possible.
posted by FishBike 05 August | 17:28
How do I get my mom to do more chores? [more inside]
posted by fleacircus 05 August | 17:29
(That other thread is so ossum.)
posted by fleacircus 05 August | 17:31
I want to have a new foreskin surgically attached. How do I find a doctor who will do this. Will it hurt?
posted by theora55 05 August | 17:31
So I just learned "Focus on the Family" is NOT a group for voyeurs with telescopes like myself. What are some other groups that REALLY need a better/more descriptive name?
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 17:31
How much does it cost to have a cat declawed? More than my Pottery Barn silk dupioni drapes?
posted by theora55 05 August | 17:33
My vegan friend made me feel guilty for eating meat. Help me sneak meat into their food for making me feel bad.
posted by millions of peaches 05 August | 17:33
What color speedo should I get? I don't care personally, cause I won't be able to see it when it's on, I just want to know what the ladies like.
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 17:40
My Nalgene bottle has developed a moldy smell. Which of these patchouli oils should I use to purify it of toxins? No harsh chemicals like bleach and vinegar please, we're trying to be *greener* and the co-op doesn't allow anything in that isn't organic anyway.
posted by mdonley 05 August | 17:54
My neighbors have unsecured Wifi. How can I use this opportunity to teach them about internet security?
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 18:12
Which of Ayn Rand's books do you find to be the most enjoyable to read?
posted by iconomy 05 August | 18:14
I'm newly retired and have been spending some time thinking about my career. Turns out a lot of people weren't so happy about some decisions I made. How can I make sure that none of that shows up in my Presidential Library?
posted by mullacc 05 August | 18:20
I pick my nose and eat the boogers about four or five times a day. I'm concerned that this is going to throw off my weight loss plan. What is the best way to calculate the additional calories I'm ingesting? Alternately, what is the Weight Watchers points value for a booger?
posted by youngergirl44 05 August | 18:26
What exactly is "ham face" and how do I get rid of it?
posted by Hugh Janus 05 August | 18:42
Which is correct: "US-ian" or "USian"?
posted by EvaDestruction 05 August | 18:55
No way to top the questions in the 06 thread, which have made me teary, but:

We just bought a $100 million dollar home, for a real bargain price because it was in foreclosure. Who are the best interior designers to retain to assist in redecorating? Also, how large a staff should we plan to employ?

What is all the fuss about with the Arizona immigration law? Can someone explain why the Obama adminstration is so set on turning back the will of the people and their elected legislators in Arizona?

Please tell me which Cesar Millan dog training techniques you recommend most. I really love his show and want to be the alpha dog in my household.

A lot of women have told me that when they say "no," they don't really mean it. I've been told I'm just too restrained and need to take charge more when trying to get a woman into bed. Where did this whole "no means no" BS come from, anyway?

My neighbor is unbelievably loud. He is always talking and laughing and watching TV, even after ten at night. My building supervisor says he isn't breaking any rules. Is there any really clever way to arrange a fatal "accident" for my neighbor that will leave me unsuspected - and finally able to get some peace and quiet?
posted by bearwife 05 August | 19:54
Help me. I need help. Would somebody please help me?
posted by Hugh Janus 05 August | 19:59
What other things when soaked into fabric/carpet look like blood?
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 20:22
How do you check on an urban legend? Cause some friends of mine were talking about Candlejack but I don't beli
posted by Eideteker 05 August | 20:29
Which department store sells the best fixie bikes?
posted by aniola 05 August | 21:25
Why do people on the internet complain so much?
posted by drezdn 05 August | 21:48
I've been driving five miles below the speed limit in the left hand lane to remind everyone to obey the law. Where can I get spinnaz for the SUV I use to do this?
posted by drezdn 05 August | 21:49
What's the best way to clean bicyclist from your grill?
posted by drezdn 05 August | 21:51
During a recent election campaign, one of the candidates' pregnant unmarried children went into labor. Knowing the mainstream liberal media wouldn't understand, the child was delivered secretly in my kitchen. Nearly three years have passed since then. Is it still OK to eat the placenta?
posted by Obscure Reference 05 August | 22:17
My wife has put on 15 pounds since our marriage last year. If I buy her a treadmill for our anniversary, what would be the carbon footprint of getting back her ideal weight?
posted by Ardiril 05 August | 23:00
How can I get to be the guy in "Taxi Driver" who sells Travis all those guns and stuff?
posted by Melismata 05 August | 23:17
I have a date this Friday with this woman I met, and have been chatting with for a year, on the net. Only problem is she thinks that I am a lesbian.

I know that if she can look past the gender difference then she will realize we are soulmates. Do you think that my wife would go in my place, feign getting sick during the first five minutes, and having to leave? Then I would apologize online about it.

I know that this is dicey but I don't want to lose this woman. Please hope.
posted by danf 05 August | 23:24
I just happened to be reading Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Marc Twain and I was thinking how could I "compare and contrast" the themes to Turn of the Screw by Henry James. Why don't you tell me what you think of that?
posted by fleacircus 05 August | 23:39
I would like to get myself some new mood music. Can you suggest songs about killing people for a mix CD?
posted by Orange Swan 05 August | 23:50
I recently bought a puppy from a pet store. He's been acting funny and I need some help. He's been limping on his front paw so I used some popsicle sticks and duct tape to make a cast, but he keeps chewing it off. It's kinda gotten stinky too since he's chewed through his fur and skin. My question is what can I use as a cone to keep him from chewing? I used a bucket about a week ago but it seems to be too heavy because he hasn't moved in three or four days. Also, what can I use to get rid of the smell? Lysol doesn't seem to be cutting it.
posted by deborah 06 August | 00:30
Why does

8 + 5 = 13

look so strange?
posted by Ardiril 06 August | 00:45
Do these pants make me look fat?
posted by iamkimiam 06 August | 01:08
How much more computer do I need to run a second game of Solitaire?
posted by Ardiril 06 August | 01:09
How can I install the Android OS on my iPhone 4?
posted by dg 06 August | 01:37
Also, because taz isn't around to wag her finger at us, I'll be the adult and remind people that the end result of the previous thread is not an outcome we want to see from this one. Let's just keep this between us, OK?
posted by dg 06 August | 02:12
So, I went out with this one guy for a coffee date, and it seemed to go well; I'm not a sparkling conversationalist, but somehow I felt relaxed with him, and now I think maybe I talked too much? Or didn't ask the right questions? I'm AWFUL at small talk. :( Well, anyway, he texted me afterward with a silly joke from the discussion, and then, the next day, he asked me to the movies and dinner. Not sure if that's a date? I think I laughed too much, and I also spilled some red wine. I tried to pay my half, but he wouldn't let me, not sure why. When he dropped me back home, I was really nervous, but he just kissed me and said it was the best movie and dinner EVAR. (Sarcasm?) Today he sent flowers (tulips. does that mean something?), and said he'd be out of town for the weekend, but that he really wanted to get together Monday. Not sure how to read that. Oh, and he asked me to clear next weekend because if I'm up for it, he'd like me to meet his parents. I'm really really bad at reading signals, and don't know how to flirt, or even recognize if someone is flirting with me... which leads to my next question: Is he just not into me? I really, really like him, and was beginning to hope he liked me too, but now I'm afraid I've messed this up. Can someone please help me figure out what's going on here???????
posted by taz 06 August | 03:32
posted by taz 06 August | 03:32
I'm a young business woman in a major US city. Every day, I see the same man at the train station, and I think I'm starting to have feelings for him. He looks kind of disheveled, but I know he's a kind man because he's always collecting money for the homeless in a paper cup. And he always tells me to, "Have a blessed day" so I think he likes me too. How do I take our relationship to the next level?
posted by youngergirl44 06 August | 08:28
Spyware question

I think my daughter may be having an online relationship with a man, she denies it but I have noticed she her mood seems to be lighter recently despite stepping up the frequency of her beatings. I am afraid she may try to run away again, like she did in 2003 when she turned 21. I need to know where this man is so that I can get her back if she gets out of the house again. What is the best keylogging or spyware to use to monitor her internet activities?
posted by asok 06 August | 09:10
Help us name our kitty cat! [more inside]

Our stupid family cat is blind, fat, and retarded and I don't care enough about it to think up a name for it, but my 8 year-old son (also retarded) says he "loooves tubby kitty" so now my dumb wife is bitching that I need to come up with a name for it. If I had my way, I'd call it Fuck Face, but I don't think the old ball-and-chain would approve. Suggestions?

If it helps, here's a description: he's fat, ugly, and stupid.
(The cat, not my kid. LOL!)
posted by Atom Eyes 06 August | 10:42
Hey, I put the proviso right in the post! On the outside, even!

Dear AskMetaFilter:
I've done some things I'm not proud of. Help me take pride in my accomplishments. [more inside]
posted by Eideteker 06 August | 11:25
Help me understand my friend's choice of religion! [more inside]

A friend of mine recently "came out" to me as an atheist, and I don't like it, one bit! What are the best arguments I can use to bring him back to the light of divine grace? Bonus points if you can turn that Richard Dawkins' words agains himself.
posted by TrishaLynn 06 August | 11:27
I'm getting ready to write my first novel (!) and I need a little assistance from the hive mind. [more inside]

What's a novel?
posted by Atom Eyes 06 August | 11:54
Atom Eyes: SOL (snort out loud)
posted by TrishaLynn 06 August | 12:00
Which brand of crack is better, Happy Aces or Mad Rock?
posted by mygothlaundry 06 August | 12:34
Help me understand public policy. Why don't we still have workhouses and debtor's prisons? They make so much sense! These lazy stupid people just refuse to work and pay their bills and I'm not going to be responsible for them lying around all day doing nothing. That said, what are the best tax havens you've found?
posted by mygothlaundry 06 August | 12:37
Why doesn't anyone know whether Elena Kagan is gay or not? And why don't we know for sure about that California judge who overturned Prop 8? IANAL, but isn't there an ethical requirement that people who want to be judges have to disclose whether they are gay, and also be required to recuse themselves from cases involving gay rights issues?

I found a baby seal on the beach, all alone. I rescued it by taking it home with me and putting it in our bathtub. But what should I buy it to eat? Also, any tips on building it a tank for when it gets bigger?

I'm thinking about costumes for next Halloween. I thought it would be cute if my five year old daughter and I went as prostitutes. What specific suggestions do you have for each of our outfits?

I really enjoy books such as Ann Coulter's If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd be Republicans, Sarah Palin's Going Rogue, and Glenn Beck's Arguing With Idiots. Please suggest similar books for me.

posted by bearwife 06 August | 12:51
AskMe: Do my homework for me. (LOL!) [more inside]

No, seriously: Do my math homework for me. It's way too hard and I don't even like math, so you're gonna do it for me, see? And it better be good, nerds. B+ or better, or I'm gonna come back here and open up a can of whup-ass on all you Poindexters, dig?

Anyway, here it is.
Get to work, pencil necks...

≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by Atom Eyes 06 August | 13:18
Atom Eyes I remember the days when that page would have been meaningful to me. Ah brain, getting rid of stuff you don't use anymore...
posted by gaspode 06 August | 13:29
My daughter is a fat, ugly, slut. What are some things I can say to her to get her to lose some fucking weight and instill a healthy fear of sex in her?
posted by edbles 06 August | 13:40
Damn... My math brain is way out of shape. There was a day when doing those would have been fun.
posted by DarkForest 06 August | 13:41
My wife wants a watch. Whats the most considerate way to tell her that this is a needless expense as there's already a clock on the stove?
posted by edbles 06 August | 13:43
AskMe: How can I get in touch with edbles's daughter?
posted by Atom Eyes 06 August | 13:48
My boyfriend has invented the cutest pet name for me, (Butherface!!!! I found out because I was snooping his e-mail, he's a real bad speller but I figured it out Butterface, like Buttercup!!! LOL gotta keep tabs on your man. ;-) What's a butter based dish I can prepare for him tonight? It has to be good! Otherwise I go to bed with no food, he says it's the only way I'll learn. ;-) Thx in advance.
posted by edbles 06 August | 13:49
Guys!!! A fellow mefite has contacted me about purchasing my daughter. What's fair market value for disobedient, hellbound 13 year old? What do you wish you had known before you sold one of your children off to an internet stranger?
posted by edbles 06 August | 13:52
Which kind of loser fanboy is faggier, Dr. Who douches or comic book assholes?
posted by edbles 06 August | 13:57
How do I get YouTube to come and make a video of my cats? I keep writing to them telling them about all the funny stuff my cats do and so far they've ignored me. I've seen some of the videos they've made of other people's cats and those cats aren't nearly as cute or funny as mine, so why is YouTube ignoring me? I know YANML but should I sue them?
posted by Senyar 06 August | 14:17
I found this silver cylindrical thing on the ground in a vacant lot. It opened, revealing a space for a AA battery. I eventurally determined that this was a vibrator.

What I did not know, in advance, is how greedily a certain orifice of mine would take it in.

Now, will nature take its course in time, or do I need to go to urgent care? Will prunes help?
posted by danf 06 August | 14:31
And, just for a change of pace, here's one with answers not that askme would ever have bad answers - I kid because I love:

Q: I am typing this from a tent in the Alaskan wilderness. A bear gnawed off my leg last night and I'm trying to stop the bleeding. What can I do to make it to the nearest hospital 60 miles away? Should I take some of this morphine for pain?

A1: Go to the doctor immediately! What, are you crazy? I don't understand these people who don't go to the emergency room.
A2: If you're in the UK, you can go to a doctor without even paying!
A3: Go to the kitchen and heat up some boiling water. At the local drugstore you can find bandages and antibiotic cream. After a good meal, bandage your leg.
A4: Morphine is evil and addictive. How dare you even imagine taking a drug?
A5: I hope you're proud of yourself - I know from your former questions that you're not a vegan. That bear is probably really sick because of your tainted flesh.
A6: Cupcakes are my favorite camping food. Have you read Iain M. Banks? He says a lot about blood.
A7: People, can't you see that the OP is in Alaska? You should really check out Denali. Here's a map.
A8: You know, if you'd just googled you could have found this page explaining tourniquets. I mean, geeze.
A9: I built a pogostick out of twigs and leaves when I was a kid. If you do that, you could probably hop to the hospital really easily. Here are directions - it's a quick project, just five months to completion.
posted by mygothlaundry 06 August | 15:34
Excellent parody, mygothlaundry. *wipes away tears of laughter*
posted by bearwife 06 August | 16:17
SQL query help needed. [more inside]

I have two tables. One contains names, addresses, and current employment status. The other contains credit card numbers, expiry dates, and billing addresses. I need to produce a list of un-expired cards belonging to people who work during the day and where the billing address is in the city where I live. I can figure out how to do the WHERE clause, but how do I join these two tables? Or would it be better to do this in Excel?
posted by FishBike 06 August | 17:51
Oh man, Fishbike, I (kinda) went there and it didn't go well. ;)
posted by dabitch 06 August | 17:56
The scary thing is I'm not sure which part would cause more heated argument, the implied credit card fraud or the Excel vs SQL debate.
posted by FishBike 06 August | 18:03
Excel vs SQL is the WINNAH. Also, mygothlaundry has me in stitches. I mean in a tourniquet.
posted by dabitch 06 August | 18:08
Help, I've been checking the spy-cams I have installed around the house, and I suspect that my partner is having an affair with my loud, ethnic neighbor. There's ten more paragraphs of stuff inside but you will never be able to guess the sex of anyone involved. [more inside]
posted by fleacircus 06 August | 19:55
Help needed choosing a stuffed animal. [more inside]

So I'm sending my three year old to visit with her daddy in Utah, and I'd like to pick a comforting stuffed animal to send with her on the flight. Something that she'll keep on her and not lose. It would be ideal if I could put the drugs he wants inside the toy easily - I'm no good at sewing! - so maybe something with a pouch or velcro enclosure? I don't know. TSA doesn't look inside those things, right? Pluses for being roomy and easy to clean.
posted by lriG.rorriM 06 August | 21:05
As I was walking down the street, I saw this girl with an "I ♥ DR" shirt on. If she loves it so much, why doesn't she go back there? [more inside]

I mean, it's not like my people, who didn't have a choice 400 years ago. Why even get off the banana boat?
posted by Eideteker 06 August | 21:32
I'm kind of a virgin, and self-conscious aboout it. I want to have sex without a relationship to just get it over with, yet I'm still scared and want to work up to it. What kind of animal should I start with, for safety? I assume I can eventually move up to bigger and bigger ones, but you've got to start somewhere.

Oh, and bestiality is legal where I live, so it's okay.
posted by Eideteker 06 August | 21:35
So the jobs I had lined up in DC for two Russian students fell through... [more inside]
posted by FishBike 06 August | 22:31
How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? [more inside]

Also: What's the best way to put some poison in there?
posted by Atom Eyes 06 August | 23:29
How can I tell my husband I don't love him, without totally crushing him? .... Oh snap.
posted by fleacircus 07 August | 02:49
Animal families. || Something good happened to me today