It might touch on medical issues and deep stuff, so I do think it's a little too personal because you just don't know. However, my friends in a similar relationship both had children, and the decision was based on a practical matter: the older partner went first. And I think that's pretty common - if the family wants more than one kid, that's the plan, if they only want one, whoever wants to do it does it, or the younger partner gives it a go.

Hmm. Speaking as an L, I'd feel weird if you asked me that straight off, after however many years of lost contact. If it were me, and I told a person I reconnected with on FB that my partner and I had a kid, I'd be happy to talk about the day-to-day stuff: Look how she's growing, she started crawling today, you wouldn't believe how my mother-in-law spoils her -- that kind of thing. But if you started asking more probing questions that sounded like relationship questions, the alarms would start to go off, because it would begin to sound like you were approaching the question that we all suspect straight people want to ask us: Which one of you is the guy (in bed)?

I'm right there with you, j_p, in being curious and fascinated about how people make that decision. I wonder myself, partly because I have no idea how the GF and I would come to the decision if we were in the position of making it. (With us, it'd probably be easier, because we're both in our 30s, but she's a couple years younger.) But I think you should set the curiosity aside until you have a pretty clear 'in.'

They know people wonder. And when they're ready to discuss the decision-making process (if they ever are), they'll open the door to the conversation. I'd wait until then.

And honestly, that might not ever happen, because the NEXT question people will want to ask is, "But but but, how did you DO it??" And that can get into really personal, really intimate territory, really quickly.

Just my perspective. Others may have different ideas. I certainly don't claim to speak for all the Ls.

I wouldn't say it was too personal at all - I'm sure they probably get asked this by other people as well. I have a couple of friends who are married and I wanted to know the same thing - and they didn't bat an eyelash at answering me.

Of course, YMMV.

I don't welcome questions about bedroom activities unless they're coming from someone who is interested in joining me in said activities.

Might be just me.

I wouldn't say it was too personal at all - I'm sure they probably get asked this by other people as well. I have a couple of friends who are married and I wanted to know the same thing - and they didn't bat an eyelash at answering me.

I think it's different situations, though -- your married friends, whom you presumably see in-person (or otherwise interact with) on a somewhat regular basis, vs. a recently rediscovered friend j_p found on Facebook.

That's the sticking point for me. Partly because, for me, anyway, when I find these long lost friends on Facebook, I never know how okay they are with The Gay, so my self-protectionist inclination is to be kind of stingy with relationship information until I know they're not a) going to try to convert me to their religion, or b) lesbian rubberneckers.

Again, just my perspective.

I'd say it's too personal at this stage, when you haven't been around them and been part of their lives for awhile. Later on, in person, in the course of things, it might not be too personal, depending on the setting and on how much interaction you've had with her and her family.

It's not the being pregnant is such a weird, intimate thing, it's just that same-sex couples tend to get asked questions about the mechanics of their relationship WAY more than straight people ever do, and after awhile it feels rude and intrusive.

On preview: mudpuppie's second comment is what I was trying to say.

Well I, for one, think you should post the question on their Facebook Wall.

Or maybe even find an application that lets their friends submit a guess and make a competition out of it.

Gay or straight I feel questions about conception and birth a bit out of line except between very close friends who have a history of sharing deeply personal stuff or with people who volunteer such info.

I'm with arse_hat.

I am also with arse_hat.

I agree too, but to be fair, I don't think he was saying he's outright curious about the conception/birth thing, but about how they decided who would have the kid. You quickly get to point B from that point A, yes, but it didn't sound like he was going to start asking questions about turkey basters and episiotomies.

arse_hat and I are just good friends.

So, am I right in believing that the question is a little too personal? These are women I haven't seen in person for a few years now.

I think it's too personal right now. Hold off on asking the question until you've re-established the friendship. And I think if you get to know the women again and start spending time with them, the information will likely be volunteered at some point (i.e., Jane will say, "When Jill was pregnant with the baby..." or Jill will show you a picture taking during her pregnancy or the baby will look exactly like one of the women), so I'd just bide my time until I found out without asking.

I think that all those details will come out, if you should keep in contact and mutually find out more about eachother's lives.

The lez couples/parents that I know are not that reticent about this stuff with people they know and trust. You will find out in time, as the reconnection flows.

"arse_hat and I are just good friends." That's not what you said that night in Paris...

"arse_hat and I are just good friends." That's not what you said that night in Paris...

But were you there through all of my STD treatments? I did not see you there.

IHNJH, IJLS "lesbian rubberneckers".

Also, BP.

same-sex couples tend to get asked questions about the mechanics of their relationship WAY more than straight people ever do, and after awhile it feels rude and intrusive.

Exactly. That's the kind of impression I didn't want to create.

Well I, for one, think you should post the question on their Facebook Wall.

Of course you would suggest this.

it didn't sound like he was going to start asking questions about turkey basters and episiotomies.

Thank you, mudpuppie. No, I was NOT gonna ask questions about that sort of thing. And I'd probably leave the room if the conversation turned in that direction. Good fences make good neighbors and all that.

(But the point you make earlier -- that those relatively harmless-seeming questions can quickly veer into intrusive, TMI territory and for that reason, those harmless questions can make people put their guard up -- is very well-taken.)

The consensus appears to be: Yes, you're right. It is a little too personal at this stage of the game. At some point in the future, if the friendship goes beyond the usual chatty Facebook stuff, there's a possibility that you might be in a position to ask that question.

And I think it's all good advice. So, for now, I'll confine my comments to how adorable their son is. I think I can manage that ;)

Something to compare this to: would you ask a heterosexual couple the same thing? Don't laugh - here's what I mean. I have a friend who can't have kids. She had one child via a surrogate, and adopted a second. You can look at their family and it's clear that the kids are not genetically hers. But if you saw that pop up on her FB picture, would you feel comfortable saying "How'd you get your kids? Who's infertile, you or your hubby?" That kind of thing.

It's not rude because it's about the person's sexuality - that only makes it more obvious, as obvious as a cross-cultural adoption maybe. It's rude because it's about a family's private reproductive plans, struggles, and/or decisions. And when/if you're close enough, it's likely it will come up and they won't mind explaining it.

I do not think you would be very satisfied with the answer at this point because you don't yet know the full dynamics of their relationship. You may find yourself with even more questions, like 'why did you two feel that element was important' and 'did you two even consider some other element'.

I'm either way more tactless than y'all here or what, but when I recently saw pictures in an old friend's FB photogallery of his daughter and her wife when they got married (just before the California ban) I totally got all blunt and asked (in a FB message) what was going on, how the daughter was doing, is she okay, are you okay, etc. And mind you, this was a friend I hadn't seen or talked to in about 9 years. He kinda answered my question, but then he didn't, so...