Aw, CF, I'm sorry.

It sounds like your friends are just really unable to constructively deal with potential conflicts, so they avoided this one. It probably was in no way meant to hurt you, but yes, it was definitely insensitive. My 20s friends were a lot like this as well. Sometimes it takes a good, long dose of adulthood before people learn how to address potentially difficult situations before they actually *become* difficult -- and it sounds like these folks aren't there yet. (And hell, it's not always something *I'm* very good at, myself.)

I think they probably wanted to avoid hurting you, but went about it the wrong way, which ended up hurting you worse.

Deep breath. It'll be okay soon.

That is an ass situation and you are correct in feeling that they handled it poorly. :(
*whuffles*

Sorry, CF. Sounds like a sucky situation. To me it sounds like they want to get a place to be all couple-y. It's hard to feel like you're in a close relationship sometimes when you are sharing a place with other people. And then they chose a really ass way to go about telling you. I hope things work out soon. I'd feel bad as well.

Are you really, seriously, upset because a couple is interested in having a place on their own, without you?

That's what couples do. They get their own place ASAP. You are a roomie, they are a couple. Do the math.

Maybe they didn't bring it up because they anticipated just such a reaction from you? Just wondering.

You sound like my little brother always wanting to tag along with me and my friends.

I'm sorry you are upset but this is your problem not theirs. I'll let others give you the validation you are seeking but I don't think you deserve it.

You want to be a third wheel? C'mon, dude, there was a good chance this was going to end badly no matter what.

Trinity8: Yes, I'm upset because "a couple" is interested in having a place on their own, without me, and I just can't stand not being a third wheel, and I simply cannot comprehend why they'd want to live by themselves.

....
Wait no.
What an asinine interpretation and rude response. Piss off?

Mullacc, to clarify: I'm upset because I had been planning on living off campus until my two friends said that they had their hearts set (their words, not mine) on living in a 4-5 person on-campus apartment, and said they'd like me to live with them if I was interested. Four months later, and one day before housing deposits are due, I find out they've apparently changed their minds and have been looking for houses for the two of them and did not tell me. But don't worry, if they can't find anything they'll go back to the original plan. Oh how nice thank you I'm honored. The fact that they are dating has not affected our friendship in the least, and they've never made me feel like a third wheel and I've been sure to be cognizant of the fact that they are a couple and to give them space and such, etc. It's worked out just fine.

I am not upset that they would want to live by themselves off campus, that's obviously completely reasonable. I'm upset that they told me the exact opposite four months ago and at some point along the line they apparently changed their minds and thought it'd be a good idea to not update me. The way in which they went about it was completely inconsiderate, and certainly not something I would do to a friend.

I find mudpuppie's interpretation most likely, and while it helps to have a potential explanation for such behavior, it still hurts and puts me in an unfortunate situation have potentially having missed out on other opportunities to live with other people because they have no stomach for discussing things like adults.

Don't be a prick citrusfreak12. You're upset and rightfully so but trinity-8's advice is spot on. They were a couple and started doing couple things. They've been together for a long time and I bet the idea of living as a couple, without other people around, is really appealing to them. If you were in their situation, you would find that appealing too. And you would probably forget to tell the 3rd wheel/avoid telling the 3rd wheel due to stress of your daily life. I mean, you made your friend cry. And you calling them as less than adults and acting all indignant here shows to me that you yourself did not approach your friend in as kind and as loving manner as you'd like to think you did. She cried. She's stressed. You're stressed. Take a step back, give them an olive branch, and straighten this crap out. Bitching about it like this on metachat is not going to solve anything.

Jeez, people bitch about things on Metachat all the damn time without the goal of solving the problem. It's not new or novel to vent here. And the point about coupledom is a good one but fuck, it IS possible to make that point a little gentler and with more goodwill than trinity8 did, when it's obvious that he's pretty worked up and stressed.

Or, you know, don't. But don't expect much goodwill in return when it's your time to vent.

What the balls.

Nope, when someone's planned a living situation with you and then they change it and don't tell you, they are certified dicks.

I'm kinda with mudpuppie here on all fronts. Honestly.

also, here is a BIG hug for you CitrusFreak12, and a completely unrelated note that you are AWESOME, funny and cheerful and interesting and I like you and your posts here.

What she said.

Hey. I'm sorry that people are stressed out. Hugs to everyone.

Also, a reminder to EVERYONE. Not everyone on the site is at the same point in their lives and sometimes people haven't gone through the same stuff as other people...we've got quite a wide range of ages and people here. And so sometimes people actually go through stuff that maybe you've been through before (or maybe it's totally different stuff you have no idea about...whatever) and possibly just possibly it might be nice and kind to remember back to a time when life was stressful and icky and give it two seconds thought about HOW you felt AT THAT TIME and how you would like to be treated and to treat people the WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED ON THE SITE.

This was the first thread I read on the site today and seriously. Chill the fuck out, people. Step back and breathe.

Team mudpuppie here.

Communication is a good thing, citrus, and you were entitled to it. In a timely manner.

Yeah, I can understand a couple wanting their own space, but urrgh that is NOT the way to communicate it. Sucks ass, is what it does.

I am all about couples getting to do their couples things, but it's kind of uncool to leave a friend thinking you're going to live together for a while and in the meantime you're sneaking around and looking at other places. It's more like what craigslist roommates do, not friends.

I am sure there are reasons (everything mudpuppie said) for them going about things that way, but it's still really distressing to be the odd man out in housing situation miscommunications.

From the sound of things they knew you would be hurt. Maybe they were keeping quiet until they had something written in stone because they do care about you. If they didn't give a damn they would have come right out and told you their intentions without a second thought.

People's priorities revolve around themselves. They'll think of themselves first, then you, no matter how close you are. Sure, they are potentially thinking of giving you the shaft, but in this case, I don't think their intentions were bad. They're a couple and they want to live in a house without roommates. Who can begrudge them for that? Them not telling you their plans, so you could make alternative plans, is inconsiderate. Though, I get the feeling they were trying to protect your feelings.

And you probably know this, so sorry if that is advice you didn't need.

Good luck, Citrusfreak. It does suck that you might have to find other roommates but everything will work out.

No, it was purely bullshit of them because it messed you up in making other plans AND it involves money which means that no, it's not just "them doing couple things." Them doing couple things is when y'all make dinner plans and then they make a reservation somewhere else and get all oops, sorry, we forgot to tell you that we're going out for dinner at the Steak and Fuck or whatever, while you were still thinking like 3 people at El CheapEato and catch the late movie. That is still annoying but not on the level of disrupting big money housing plans. Kill. Okay, don't kill, but yeah, you must now make a whole brand new plan and not involve them, because they are flaking on you fast. IMHO you should look for off campus housing anyway. The time has come. It's likely to be horrific, yes, but that's how it goes.

Oh and hey, go answer this question.

Could this be at all related to your earlier problem with your parents saying you might not be able to live away from home? Did you talk to your friends about that and they're just covering all their bases in case you backed out?

I agree it's bullshit, but then again I've always tried not to be an asshole just because I was dating someone - like when MuddDude was living off-campus and I had a dorm room I never showered at his place or ate with his roommates without doing my share of the dishes and the shopping.

But then again I can see how everyone can get stressed out about housing, and I wonder if one person in the couple is pulling the other in a direction, like one person thinks it's too expensive to live without a roommate and the other wants privacy or something. That's just my take.

What mudpuppie said.

I think trinity and stynxno need to re-read the question. CF is not complaining about his roommates wanting to live together without him. He's complaining that they didn't tell him anything until almost the last minute. That's fucking rude, period.

Thanks guys. I had almost lost faith in the healing power of MeCha for a second there. Thank you for the different perspectives. It all helps, when phrased constructively, and it's why I like to vent here.

I went to the gym, I ran/biked out all my frustration, wore myself out, got some dinner, and came back and played some Halo with the guys (oh stereotypes), including Mr. Flake. I plan on talking to him about the whole fiasco tonight, so I can get a definite feel on what's going on. At the moment, the hurt and confusedness is gone, and I just want to know what's going on so I can deal with it accordingly.

(and thanks for throwing that question my way, MGL!)

Seems like there's a lot of stress on all sides here. Yes your friends could've been more open with you but I'm assuming that you've also been open and they know that you might have money troubles in the future and that it might be in their best interests to cater for themselves than get into that headache.

You had a lot of great advice in that last thread and three weeks to look into it. While this latest news might have come at completely the wrong time it's important you deal with it now rather than let it hang and become an askme question in 6 months about you not being able to pay your rent/utilities and your friends resenting you for that.

Are you currently in a position to have the money to stay in a house with them for a year? Will you be in a month, two, because your friends cannot hang around.

I was quite saddened by the poor-me attitude in the question of that last post. "So the crappy economy has finally affected me". Well, no. It's affecting everyone. I don't know what agreement you had in place with your parents, but safe to say that they too are being affected by the crappy economy. At least they are offering you a place to stay. I hope that you didnt personally respond to your parents in the same way you did your friends.

"It kills me to say this" your mother says. She is as upset as you are. But shit happens and you're, I guess 21-22 if I've read that right, so you have to deal with this pragmatically and, probably, with a great deal of humility; if you can't secure the financing you need, you may well have to stay at home for a year. Personally I could think of worse things. And you're only 20-40 minutes away from your friends? 20 minutes? I was two hours away from mine when I had to move back to my parents because of financial hardship.

And while, at the time, I was grumbling about living with them, it was a point I look back on now, now that I'm solvent and live a good life, well within my means (thanks folks) that I know if I ever fell on hard times again, or if they ever did, we'd have each other as a buffer.

And if the thought of moving home concerns you, think how much more solvent you'll be in a year's time when your friends are struggling to pay their rent and you've been contributing far less than that for the comfort of a bed you wont be evicted from, no turmoil of those friends falling out having never lived with each other before and finding out about each others nasty little habits, and home-cooked meals, only 20 minutes away from civilisation, and only 20 blessed minutes back from it too.

It's a good time to find your independence, and it's the choices you make now for your future that bring that about no matter how hard they seem.

You said last time: Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I'm feeling better about it. Maybe you're right, and all hope is not lost just yet.

You're right, all hope is not lost, but not because of the encouragement, but because of the great help you've received. Don't disregard that because you got some whuffles.

Get a plan sorted.

And don't live with a couple who've never lived together before even if they're your friends.

And eat your cereal.

If it's any consolation, I had something similar happen to me when I was an undergrad. A friend and I had been looking at apartments for the summer and had found one we really, really liked that was just across the street from campus. Without warning she announces she wants to live alone. I couldn't afford a place by myself, my financial aid wouldn't cover off campus housing, so I ended up back in the dorms with the loud party people. THE APARTMENT HAD A FIREPLACE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Couple or not, they should have informed you sooner.

Oh, and sometimes I will cry at the drop of a hat. So it's not necessarily something you did, but if you want to remain friends you may want to acknowledge her upset.

Good luck.

Wow, I hate seeing this kind of negativity on MeCha. S'obvious how people bring their own baggage to their responses sometimes. (Read relationshipfilter AskMe questions for even more startling examples.)

These people were total jerks for not telling you their plans. They delayed your ability to make your own plans by four months. That's incredibly rude and selfish. Sometimes, as an adult, you just have to bite the bullet and tell someone you're bailing on them and say you're sorry so they can move on.

Honestly, situations like this is why I'm glad I live by myself now. Roommate drama almost never goes away, and it's someone very rude and inconsiderate who says one thing about housing and then changes their mind... when everyone's all busy.

This last December, I had to pack up almost all of my stuff the week during Christmas just so I could be able to move into a new apartment after my old roommate gave my room to her sister.

Six months prior to that, the college graduate and her mother who was paying for everything said that they were going to use their last month's security as the rent for the last month when I know that's not how it's supposed to happen, and I specifically chose her as a tenant because I thought she'd have the funds to live in my apartment, but she didn't.

A year before that, a former tenant moved back in, but wanted me to automatically give her the biggest room in the apartment. This was after she'd moved out for almost a year.

And I really don't want to go into the hell that was living with my ex, post-breakup.

And this was all just within the last four years, and I am 31 now.

Suck it in, suck it up, let them know that you've been hurt and their not telling you is causing you to be stressed, then just go your separate ways, save up, and by God... try and get your own place.

That sucks. Good luck finding a place. I'd imagine a nice chap like you'll be able to find other roommates eager to live with you.

I was quite saddened by the poor-me attitude in the question of that last post. "So the crappy economy has finally affected me". Well, no. It's affecting everyone.

Yes, I know it is. It was an acknowledgment that my insulation from the effects of the recession had finally come to an end, the honeymoon was over, time to face reality, and so on. It was nice while it lasted. Of course I didn't respond to my parents that way. This isn't the first time we've had financial troubles, and I appreciate the fact that they're doing as much as they are to get me where I am.

I also appreciate what you're saying, and I agree with all of it (again, I want to say that I love MeCha because I don't just get a pat on the back when things go wrong, I get perspective). Things could be much worse; I have my health, an education, and lots of potential (or so I'm told). In the future I will be more discerning as far as what gripes I bring to MetaChat to blow off steam, and give things like being told OH NO I might have to live at home (with free rent) a bit of time before running over here.

And I will drink my milk.

desjardins: :( Fireplace. It sounded like a keeper. And yes, I plan to apologize for catching her at a bad time and exacerbating whatever stressors were already affecting her. As stynx said, she's stressed, I'm stressed. So I took a step back (went to the gym), and we're sorting things out.

I briefly talked to my friend (it's hard to be clear and keep names out of it), the boyfriend of the one I talked to earlier, about the situation. And he tried to assure me it was nothing to do with me, and that it started out mostly to appease their parents (who apparently only started bugging them about looking for housing this late in the game, as opposed to my mother who started bugging me shortly after I moved in this year :P). He brought up the fact that I'd have to be paying for my own housing, which I had already told him, and her, several times was NOT going to be a problem because I am very motivated for that to NOT happen. It appears to have been a perfect storm of inopportune timing, stress, and miscommunication on the parts of all parties, to some degree (though I still agree with Mudpuppie's assessment. They are very non confrontational and appear to have decided that not telling me about searching for a house I wouldn't be living in and just waiting until they casually mentioned it or I heard through the grapevine was the best plan. I'm going to be emphasizing the merits of good communication in relationships if I end up living with these two...).

He made it sound like he really didn't expect anything to come of the house search(they're both bringing in their non-refundable deposits for on-campus housing tomorrow) so for the moment I am going to take his word for it and hope things continue as originally planned, while still keeping an eye out for alternatives, should it all come crashing down. Which I think is still very possible. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. I'll put feelers out for who's living where, and if I find nothing, well, I have the option of living at home and saving a bundle, as a last resort.

They want to live as a couple and they also want to live with you. There's a conflict there and they feel like they're being bad to you. Hence the lack of communication and the crying.

But I'm with trinity and stynx on this. These things do happen, and lack of communication or no, they're going to want to do the couples thing. You may not recognize it, but this situation happens all the time.

The best thing you can do is go to your friends and tell them that you're happy for them whatever the outcome. You want to live with them, but you're happy to think of them living as a couple. You need to look at it from their point of view because they have demonstrated that they can see it from yours.

They will do what they have to do, and what's needed here is mutual empathy. If you get yourself wound up about your halcyon "all together, no secrets between us" dream, then you're gonna damage the relationship between you and them.

Oy, CF, what a hassle. I dealt with a similar thing a few years ago when I was in college, and OMG, the stress of arranging stuff like housing was massive. Good luck.

I have to say that living at home and commuting to school can be a challenge - my brother is doing it right now (about the same distance, too - 20 minutes or so) and it's definitely a bit more stress than anyone in the family anticipated. A few things you can do to mitigate it, though, if it happens:

First off - see if there's any hope of re-decorating or changing your room from what it looked like when you were eight. Keeping the room feeling a bit transitory can mentally make things feel less permanent, and if living at home is something you're not super-keen on, a bit more tolerable...sort of a daily reminder that you're movin' on up/out. Even something small, like a fresh coat of paint and rearranging the furniture, can do the trick. Since you'll have ALL of your stuff there, I assume, you'll also probably want to pare down/weed out things that you just don't need anymore. Not saying to toss your teddy bears and First Communion suit or whatever, but putting some old stuff on Craigslist - even the "free" section - can mentally make the room feel better.

If your house is large enough, it might be worth seeing if you can share or use one room as your office or workspace; even a little research library-type set-up. Putting all your books on one shelf, or making sure your papers are all filed, can make your bedroom a much more relaxing place. I remember reading that the only thing a bedroom should be used for is sleeping and, uh, intimacy, and keeping to these rules has made things a bit more peaceful in my life...a definite oasis of calm. I LOVE coming back to my room every day.

Your parents, too, sound mostly like they're tolerable, at least, but it's worth making sure that they aren't hindering your independence, even if there's never A Big Discussion About Your Independence. Make sure you're doing your own laundry and offering to "throw in" anything they've got. Check to see when the house is out of milk and pick it up on your way back from class. Make dinner every few nights if you've got the time. Heck, make dinner together and rediscover how amusing it can be to be the sous-chef you were back when you were licking the brownie mix off the mixing bowl. Pick up your favorite recipes and adapt them. Invite Grandma over for lunch on Sundays. Let the house and the people in it become a tool for making your life easier and more joyful, not a roadblock.

The best part about commuting to class, I think, is that the whole college experience becomes more like a job, and you may become a total master of time-management - something that will serve you well for your whole life - by having to budget your time a bit more than you would if you could stroll over to the library in your PJs at three in the morning (not saying you'd do this, but that I have!). The commuter students I knew at my university were, universally, crazy-organized, low-bullshit people who were a total joy to work with on projects and assignments. So who knows - maybe living at home will actually benefit your studies!

Whatever happens, just know that college is but a fleeting, all-too-quick introduction to Mature Adult Life Stuff, and that what you learn afterward is just as important as what you learn while you're there. Living at home was the norm for centuries, and now you get to tap into the resources your folks have offered you, if things don't turn out the way you want. Either way, you'll be fine.

Again - good luck!

That sucks, CF12. I think pupps and others are right that it was probably due to immaturity and not malice on their part.

(And regardless of what some seem to think, no, coupledom isn't a pass to fuck with other people's lives by giving out misleading information.)

I wasn't going to comment in this thread, but BP brings up a good point. As a couple, they should have given each other the support to suck it up and face you with their plans. You are better off learning this now.

This may be a blessing in disguise. After a month of dealing with CONSTANTLY hearing couple-bickering and couple-cutetalk, and nights filled with hearing screwing through the walls you'll want to rip your hair out and perhaps strangle them both the next time one says "pass the milk, pookie" or whatever.

I would never, ever, ever want to room with an established couple.

Plus, it totally throws off the dynamic of power in a living situiation. Where you might normally have to decide, say, what to watch- instead of being three people who have their own opinions, it'll be you and The Couple. Yeah, not always, but it seems like that's often the case- particularly if they're already inconsiderate enough to fuck you over on housing a DAY before the deadline. seriously, that's mean to say the least. If they want to be all coupley and live alone, sure, but don't leave someone who you made another commitment to in the lurch with pretty much zero notice.

You said it would have been a four to five person unit, though? What about leaving them to go their merry inconsiderate way and getting a place with the other person or two?