PS. Could you please, please please help me out with the computer stuff; I've really got to pass this test.

Thank you so much for anyone who can spare some time.

We don't form any sort of physical relationships with women unless it's done after marriage

Peace be upon you, hadj. The world would be a better place (in my puritanical opinion) if more people had such morals and stood by them. I've made love to precisely *1* woman in my life, and we will celebrate our 24th anniversary this summer.

So hang in there, and do what you know by all that you know to be right. Whether God likes to go by the name Allah or God or Yahweh or Frank, I firmly believe that living a life of integrity is the way to best honor him/her/them.

Follow your heart, for that is where Allah speaks to you.

Techrepublic.com has some cheat sheets that has windows shortcut codes. They might be in the Microsoft Support Knowledgebase
http://support.microsoft.com - search for keyboard shortcuts.


I hate using the mouse/trackball myself, so I've got them printed out. I'd type some for you now, but I'm in wristbraces, so even doing this much is a bit painful.

As for the rest, I'm sorry if it seems like we're trying to blow you off. I think the basic difference is that you seem very passionate from our point of view (ok, mine - I'll just speak for myself) it makes for great writing, but if the kind of prose you write was coming from a relative of mine, I'd think he was going overboard. I've got two younger brothers who have loved and lost after having closer relationships with women, and they sounded like you did. They did evenutaly get through it and are now happily married.

I don't know what you can do to let off steam. I hope you can find a way, because you do sound very upset.

Please also remember that the text on a page doesn't convey all of the feeling. I've always enjoyed your posts.

I've always enjoyed your posts.

Agreed.

hadjiboy - check this link - http://support.microsoft.com/kb/301583
One thing I've found that really helps is the section called "Dialog box keyboard shortcuts." If your mouse dies for whatever reason, being able to navigate and troubleshoot via the keyboard is indispensable. AND they work without needing the Windows key.

Important stuff to be able to get to through the "Run" box (Win+R)
Without quotes, type "winver" to get the current version of windows running on the system, and total available RAM. On an XP machine, you can bring up the Run box by going Start > Run - there's no option for that on Vista, but you can still access it via Win+R.

Right-clicking on the "My Computer" icon and choosing "Properties" will bring up the System Properties box, which gives you the Windows version, RAM, computer type (chip info), and access to Hardware and other stuff. You can get there via the Control Panel, but I've found that this is easier.
I work tech support and have to troubleshoot computers on a daily basis with people who barely know what they are, and the easiest route is always the best.

"cmd" This brings up the DOS command line.
If you ever need to check the internet connection between your machine and another site type the following....
(might be a little too much if you're no good with DOS commands)
Start from C:\
type (with spaces) "tracert [the website's address or ip #. ie www.metachat.com] > c:\[name of textfile ie trace].txt"
This basically means 'run a trace from here to there and log your results as a text file and save that in the c: drive directory.'
A proper example would be "tracert www.metachat.com > c:\trace.txt"
...and wait for the C:\ prompt to appear. Go to your C: drive and look for the text file and it will show you the hops and latency the packet took to get to the server. If it times out anywhere along the line, then a server on the path to the destination is down, and your inet connection is sucking mud. (type "exit" to close the command window.)

You can try all of this out on your own computer without messing anything up. As a bonus - if you get fast with the keyboard shortcuts, combining those with the mouse really looks like you know what you're doing to those who don't have a clue. :)

Also on point 3... people naturally speak from their own frame of reference. You going out and getting blotto and shagging some stranger = not going to happen. Cool - at the very least you don't have to worry about a hangover. heh. Take the spirit of the sentiment instead and maybe do something that can help sever/blunt the experience and give you some perspective. It's what getting drunk does, but you'll save money and not have to stagger out of I-can't-remember-what-her-name-was' apartment and feel like (to quote WC Fields) "...the entire Persian army has just walked across my tongue in their stockinged feet."
Good luck on the test, dude!

Note: there are other commands available through the cmd box, but if you start messing around with them (you can type in "regedit" to access the system registry), you can kill your computer faster than anything. If you're unsure, then don't.
In retrospect, WC Fields is an obscure reference. More info on the curmudgeon, if you're interested, is here, but it's not really that important to the comment I made.
If you need more help with tricks for Windows, ask and I'll be happy to try to answer.
btw, ctrl+alt+del doesn't lock your computer: it brings up the Task Manager. Good for seeing what processes are running, and how much CPU they're eating. Win+L locks it.

We know you are in India and a Muslim; but telling someone one hasn't met in real life that s/he loves that person intensely and wants to eventually (possibly)marry him/her is TOO MUCH TOO SOON. Again, given everything you've posted about wanting a relationship--and the desperation and frustration I've inferred from these posts--I suggest a therapeutic social coach.

Are there places your co-workers go after work in mixed groups? If so, I would join them.

Daanish, I have loved and lost in the context in which you live, and I appreciate what you say about how hard it is to recover from such a loss in that context. You should understand that your friends here are suggesting, as Zack_Replica says, a framework for recovery, not the actual steps to recovery. At base, what people are saying seems to be that you should a) tend to yourself, and your own heart, b) develop yourself as a person, outside of your potential romantic interests, c) not contact this person any more because it is disrespectful of her stated wishes, and, d) conduct yourself as a gentleman, regardless of how difficult that might be for you right now. They also suggest that meeting people on the internet is no substitute for meeting them face to face.

If you stop and think about it, I suspect that you will realize that, stripped of excess verbiage or specific suggestions, your friends are right, and what they suggest is completely compatible with your own upbringing.

If you are the type of Muslim I think you are (and you know my own background), then the chivalry is second, if not first, nature to you. She has asked you not to contact her -- you are honor-bound not to disrespect her wishes, despite how much it might hurt you. There is a rationale behind such courtliness -- it assumes that, however much we hurt, we don't always know how much other people hurt, nor do we often know why other people do what they do. We can speculate, but the speculation must remain our own unless the other person invites us to speculate with them, which she clearly has not invited you to do. Izzat means so much more than Hindi movies makes it out to be. Honor is a code of conduct which, once we are committed to, we are bound to follow no matter the personal sacrifice. It might feel like your honor has been hurt, your affections toyed with, that you were led on and lied to. These things might all be true, but in the end, you will have to let them be, not because the person who deceived you deserves anything, but because you yourself are a better person than this. Your friends are saying that they are concerned about your moral integrity -- or your honor, in other words. At the end of the day, this is what I think you should be able to walk away with.

Your friends are troubled by your heartbreak and are suggesting ways to deal with it in the short run. You should recognize these suggestions for what they are -- sympathetic expressions of what perhaps helped them when they went through the same thing you're going through. They're not disrespecting you or your culture -- they're trying to help. You don't have to do precisely what they say helped them. You might want to consider the commonality of their experiences though, which is that when the heart is so traumatized, temporary escapism is a good thing. A lot of people change their scenery to help forget something hurtful (which, at base, is what drinking excessively is all about, but cheaper than leaving the country). Others read a lot, or sleep a lot, or find a new activity. The key is to keep your mind busy, however you do it. This is not bad advice.

Your friends, being your friends, are also suggesting that you develop your own interests in the long run, because at base, you are your own last refuge. Now, I know that in India, this is not a popular concept. We are the products of our families and our networks. Individuality is not necessarily a good thing where we come from. However, it is not an entirely foreign concept. It is possible to stay true to your roots, your religion, your family, and still develop your own interests and personality. I don't think anyone is saying you don't have your own individual personality -- in fact, many people have said that your personality shines through n your posts here, and it gladdens them. However, the part about your interests is spot on. When all is said and done, you have to have something that is all your own, that is not dependent on anyone else for its existence, that makes you happy when you are by yourself. It could be anything -- it could be religion, if you so choose, or art, or music, or literature. For me, it is literature and history and urban planning (hey, I like to cover my bases). These are the things that, if I were alone tomorrow, or fifty years from now, I will always have for myself, because they are things that I have developed my own interest in.

Finally, your friends suggest that you be careful about forming future alliances on the internet. In this respect, I've got to say, the advice is downright subcontinental, if there is such a word. The beauty of the arranged marriage is that, paradoxically, you're actually not marrying a stranger. In its ideal form, you're forming an alliance with someone whose family is stable enough and well known enough that nothing about them or their daughter is a surprise to you or your family. The internet is the polar opposite of this. Truly, on the internet, no one is what they seem to be. We can form general impressions about people based on what they write in chat rooms or on websites like this, but such communication is always extremely filtered and censored. You know this to be true -- think of all the times you've agonized over a comment that you wanted to post here or on one of the other websites you frequent. The people here are simply saying exactly what our parents and grandparents have always said, which is that one does not develop an interest in or marry a complete stranger without meeting her and her family. As I said, a most subcontinental approach.

I'm sorry for how long this is, but I guess I wanted to reassure you that, despite our differences, people here do understand and sympathize and are trying to give you what I see as universally good advice, even if you have to tweak it a little to get to the version that works for you.

I've added links for backstory on this. Hadjiboy, not everyone is going to be familiar with every development of your story, so please add links for reference when carrying the subject of an old post forward in a new one.

Also, I'm going to have to ask you to adjust your attitude a bit. People are free to ask for advice here, to complain about the shit that happens in their lives, to just vent or blow off steam sometimes when they need to - and that is a gift or a privilege that is dependent on certain behavior from each of us. If you ask for help, understand that you may not like some of the suggestions. Don't complain that not every suggestion falls into line with what you want to hear. Don't become indignant if somebody doesn't "get" all aspects of your situation. If you have to explain again and again, that's the nature of communicating this way - it's not face-to-face, and it's not linear. Some people know more about you and your previous posts and comments than others, because this is internet communication, and that's how it works.

Finally, if you feel you are misunderstood, it is incumbent upon you to make things clear. Don't get snotty about that stuff, because it will always be thus. Yes, it's frustrating when we feel we're being totally misread, or people seem to think we are idiots or "bad people" (it happens all the time in AskMe, and I've been through it, too) - but that, again, is the nature of the beast. It's up to you to explain as well as you can, and then bear with it if agreement/understanding is not forthcoming. It's the nature of this sort of dialog. When you make a post about personal matters, the invisible contract requires you to accept that what follows may not be perfectly comfortable for you, and you are ready to face that to enjoy the benefits of the rest of the discussion.

Daanish, I think I can understand the utter shock of where you're coming from. I've never fallen for someone who then told me they were married, but there was this one time where someone I had fallen for (and had known for four years) informed me they were a junkie -- and then informed me they WEREN'T a junkie, that was just the demerol from their medical procedure talking. I spent a lot of time crushed, angry (at feeling jerked around), and a whole slew of other feelings.

My friends told me that I had to let him go, which I rebelled against at first, because I was in LOVE, damn it. But I had to admit they were right -- even if he wasn't a junkie, he was a game player and jerking me around. And it was giving up on him that led me to go to therapy to see why I spent 20 years chasing the wrong guys, and that's how I started recognizing the right guy. I've been married for a year now.

So, your situation is somewhat different, but I bet some of the feelings are the same. Shock, denial, anger. And your friends are giving you some advice that does not fit your culture (the whole "get laid" thing) -- but the underlying message, if you ignore the cavalier "go get laid" thing, is the same as the one I was given: You have to let her go, let the whole incident go, or it will drive you crazier.

If I recall correctly, "Islam" means "submission to Allah's will". Hear Allah's voice in this: "She is not for you. Now continue to live your life as I have asked, and be patient for the one who IS for you."

taz, I was not trying to be snotty or disrespectful to anyone's suggestions by posting here (and I'm sorry if that's how it came across); all I wanted was some sympathy to try and get through the day. That's all.

Ι understand. Just be patient. Everyone needs to be patient.

"I am not an American. I repeat--I am NOT an American. I don't drink. I don't go out to the pub/bar and get drunk. I don't have the luxury of getting laid. I come from a very conservative Muslim family. We don't form any sort of physical relationships with women unless it's done after marriage."

gotta say, unless you've seen first hand what life is like in india, you won't get this. it's not like it's a choice, generally. you can expect not to get laid until you've done three masters degrees, found yourself a good job & gotten married. bars don't exist, or if they do, they're inhabited by lowlifes, and ONLY men. being reborn in india is punishment for having had too much sex in a previous life, most likely. even *talking* to opposite-sex people who aren't your relatives is kinda difficult.

(afterthought: imagine somewhere like saudi arabia or iran - the relations between the sexes in india is quite similar. basically, almost non-existent, other than relatives. you can't just go to some bar-like place & meet random strangers. really. it *doesn't* happen)

you can expect not to get laid until you've done three masters degrees, found yourself a good job & gotten married.

Really? How are they keeping their population afloat? They're getting married somehow or other. I'm completely ignorant on this, but my impression is that it's all done through family ties.

i'm talking educated middle classes. no sex until 25-30, really.

in the villages they start earlier.

They say god gives you one of 3 answers to your prayers:

-Yes
-Not now
-I have something better for you.

(Figuring out which it is, is the hard part.)