MetaChat - Can someone please explain this to me...

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19 June 2008

Can someone please explain this to me... she says she's married... She Says She's MARRIED!

→[More:]It started last week, when she'd fallen ill and I wasn't able to talk to her for awhile. Otherwise I was in touch with her on a daily basis. I'd call, message, or email (something!). But then last week, I got a bit depressed owing to the fact that I might not be able to make it to the States next year and worrying about how I was going to break the news to her. Which sort of made me not want to talk to her as much as I used to, 'cos I knew she'd be upset at the news (or so I thought).

After a lot of consoling from a few friends who told me that I didn't have to worry about it as much I was, I thought I'd finally break it to her. (Up until then I was still messaging her and trying to find out how she was feeling, but I was nowhere near as persistent to get to talk to her as I was a week ago.) Now I don't know what role that had to play in any of this, but do you think she could have misread all of this as my interest in her dwindling in some way???

And if so, why would she make up this story about "I'm sorry Daanish but I can't talk to you anymore. I'm married". As in--she JUST GOT MARRIED..? Or at least that's what I understood from the last text she sent me; the one previouys to that was a bit vague, suggesting that she had been married the entire time, so I emailed to her and asked her to explain what exactly she was talking about, and this was her reply.

I've been trying to call her incessantly for the past 24 hours but the calls are being diverted to her voice mail, and today, in the middle of a class I got the message from her saying that she'd just gotten married and couldn't talk to me anymore. I don't have a clue what's going on, and it looks as if she's not prepared to tell me either. (Her supposed "husband" picked up the last call I'd made and I told him that I didn't believe he was her husband, that I wanted to hear it from her, but he was understandably not going to let me do that so I said fine. I'm not sure where to go from here but woould welcome any suggestions... would you think it would be a good idea if I asked one of the ladies here to get in touch with her and just find out what the hell happened. She already knows my number so she's not going to take my calls seeing that they're from India, but maybe someone from there might have better luck... what do you say. Good, bad. No???)

post by: hadjiboy at: 01:33 | 49 comments

My goodness! I'm so sorry to hear about that! :(

it all sounds very odd, and, although it never helps at the time, you sound like you're way better off without her!

*big hugs*

posted by jonathanstrange 19 June | 01:42

I had a squicky feeling about her from the description in the first post; which is why I suggested that your female relatives in the states check her out. If she had been what she claimed to be, she would not have objected to this.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

posted by brujita 19 June | 02:09

This is going to be a lot easier to say than to do, but you need to chalk it up to experience and write her off. Either she's married, in which case you're out of luck, or she's making something up, in which case you're better off without. Regardless, my advice is DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN, AND DO NOT HAVE ANYONE ELSE CONTACT HER FOR YOU. The sooner you quit, the sooner you can move on. It may sound harsh, but it is your best course of action. Trust me.

posted by bmarkey 19 June | 02:12

Bad. No.

She's either married, or she's having someone play her husband (as you suspect) to stop you contacting her, and either one of those situations means it's a no-go. Do not go there.

I've told you this before, but you really need to stop pushing the fall-in-love-and-get-married-RIGHT-NOW thing. A good marriage is wonderful thing, a bad marriage (for those who don't believe in divorce, or who have kids and want to stay together for them) is a minimum of 15 to 20 years of hard labor and heartaches. Or a life sentence. And I'm afraid for you.

I want you to join groups, expand your social scene, meet people (including women), date, and eventually find someone who you can actually develop a relationship with (note the use of the word "develop". over time. by getting to know each other.). I just don't believe that this is impossible in India. If there's no dating in India, why are there a million Indian dating sites?

posted by taz 19 June | 03:00

Very sorry Daanish, but you have to walk away. Nothing good will come of further investigations.

posted by Meatbomb 19 June | 03:01

If she had been what she claimed to be, she would not have objected to this.

But the thing is, she was actually looking forward to meeting my cousin sister, who was going to deliver the parcel I'd sent to her. In fact it was her idea to give my sis her phone number so that they could talk and set up a date to meet each other?

The sooner you quit, the sooner you can move on.

It's not so much that I can't fathom the idea of moving on (maybe she doesn't love me, or maybe she felt like she was rushing into things, or being rushed, as taz said) but what I don't understand is this "I can't talk to you because of my husband" business. I'm really, really confused about what she's trying to say. Is she trying to make up an excuse to avoid talking to me, in which case I'll respect her wishes and won't talk to her again, or was she really married all this time and didn't tell me (in which case I'd want to know why she'd do something like that), or--the third possibility--which really scares the shit out of me: did she get married in the last week somehow... ? Is that even doable. I just want some answers, that's all, and I think I'm within my limits asking for them.

And if she doesn't want me to talk to her--fine. But she sure as hell is going to have to talk to someone. And if that means talking to one of you, then it's fine by me.

posted by hadjiboy 19 June | 03:24

I just want some answers, that's all, and I think I'm within my limits asking for them.

And if she doesn't want me to talk to her--fine. But she sure as hell is going to have to talk to someone.

I understand why you say this, but believe me (us, really - we've all said basically the same thing) when I (we) say that no good can come of it. It's really not a good idea, at all.

What she's trying to say is that, for whatever reason, it's not gonna happen. You can push that issue, sure, but it's not going to change anything. There are things in this life that are better left unknown, and I'd venture to say that this is probably one of them.

posted by bmarkey 19 June | 03:41

But she sure as hell is going to have to talk to someone. And if that means talking to one of you, then it's fine by me.

No, she doesn't. It's a lame way of dumping you but you've been dumped and it's time to go and drink some whisky and complain about women with your closest male friends (in real life, this doesn't work on the intertubes) and after the hangover passes you move on and be wary of making the same mistake again.

Seriously, be careful about forming attachments to people that you haven't met in real life next time, the chances of it working out are vastly overshadowed by the chances of it not working out, so you really have to be cautious.

posted by cmonkey 19 June | 04:36

She has a kid, right? That usually implies a dad - and often they are the husband, and even if they are not there's a father around that complicates any new romantic interests vastly (not to mention a child! A small human being who's interests come before everyone elses in the eyes of the mother.)
I'm sorry now that I didn't comment in your earlier post but that sent out red warning flags for me and I had a gut hunch that it might not be all hunky dory. I just couldn't find exactly what it was that made me feel that it all seemed iffy and found it tacky to rain on your parade with my paranoia when you seemed so happy, and it could all be allright in the end.
I'm so sorry that you have been chucked aside in such an abrupt manner. Do what everyone says - leave it alone. This is in your own hearts best interest.

posted by dabitch 19 June | 05:46

Run away and run away fast. You don't need to contact this girl & more importantly - You shouldn't contact this girl. It's a mystery and you're curious and hurt, but unfortunately you need to cut all ties.

My feeling on this is that she's feeding you a line because you came on too strong to her and she's trying desparately to break ties in a way she thinks won't hurt you. It's stupid, but hey - people are stupid.

I don't know what the Islamic equivalent of cmonkey's getting pissed and moaning to your friends about women is, but that is what you need to do. While you're still sore, you need to introduce some cognitive dissonance into the situation. This is not you, it's her & (by proxy) the entire opposite sex and fuck it, it's time to metaphorically sit in a pub and have drinks bought for you and shout at the soccer or the cricket.

Failing that, bring out the music, the pen and the paper & the drawing materials, write or sing along with your way to a mended heart. That's what I like to do.

posted by seanyboy 19 June | 06:17

((haddjiboy))

posted by lysdexic 19 June | 06:48

*(((((hugs)))))*

She's a liar and not worth dating due to this!

posted by By the Grace of God 19 June | 07:53

Nthing what taz says. I had twenty-six years of therapy; what helped most was a social coach program run by a psychologist. I have no idea if something like this would exist in India, but if it does I strongly recommend it.

posted by brujita 19 June | 08:27

((((hadjiboy))))

Echoing what everyone else has said- run away, don't look back, and thank God for the (relatively) early warning about her character.

Sorry, hadjiboy. Easier said than done, and don't I know it.

posted by small_ruminant 19 June | 09:29

No, she doesn't. It's a lame way of dumping you but you've been dumped and it's time to go and drink some whisky and complain about women with your closest male friends (in real life, this doesn't work on the intertubes) and after the hangover passes you move on and be wary of making the same mistake again.

Agreed. Stop contacting her right now. She has made it clear in her own special way that she doesn't want you to contact her anymore. You're better than to disrespect what she's asking you to do. Sorry things worked out this way.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 June | 09:35

My feeling on this is that she's feeding you a line because you came on too strong to her and she's trying desparately to break ties in a way she thinks won't hurt you.

I think seanyboy is correct, which is what makes it all the more devastating; she's trying to cover up for my mistake by taking the entire blame herself. I don't need her to do that. I'd rather she just tell me--you know what--I think I made a mistake thinking that we could make this work because, let's face it--we were both swept up in the heat of the moment and neither of us was probably thinking clearly. I can buy that, I can deal with that--it's this whole fucking martyr approach that's really getting to me.

I think I'm old enough to not completely be obliterated by this so as to warrant an excuse of this proportion. Seriously--what the hell was she thinking--this is even worse than her telling me straight up what she was feeling.

I've written another mail to her (I know you guys asked me not to, but I just want to get to the bottom of this) if for no other reason than to assure her that it was not solely her fault for what happened.

dabitch: I was very careful not to bring up the topic of the husband/father of the baby because I didn't want to push her, or make her feel like it's something that I considered to be an issue as far as we were concerned, and the only time that we did end up talking about it was in passing: her acknowledging that she had made a lot of dumb and stupid mistakes in the past, which led me to believe that all of this was behind her, that she had moved on and her husband was no longer in the picture, which is why it was such a shock to have received that text from her saying that she was "married" all of a sudden.

As for Ali (her son) she was extremely free with her in relation to me. We would talk a lot on chat and switch on the webcam and she would have him playing in the background, or in front of me, and we'd be discussing how messy he is, or how he loves to trouble her. Heck, she would put her laptop in the kitchen so we could talk, or at least I could catch a glimpse of her in the mornings when she was busy getting ready for work, changing Ali, giving him a bath, washing the clothes, preparing her lunch. (I honestly don't think Ali had anything to do with this, because I always made sure that she knew how much I loved him and cared for him. I think this has more to do with her thinking I might not be right for her--and that's fine--if she can just tell it to me in those words.)

posted by hadjiboy 19 June | 09:47

Aww Hadjiboy I'm so sorry you're going through this.

First understand that in your shock you're going through a form of grief, and you are at the denial stage. Read about the stages of grief and write all about it, for yourself, not to her.

Secondly when something awful happens we feel we need to understand it completely before we can move on to the stage of accepting what has happened. The problem is in some cases we do not get that explanation and this makes the process longer and harder to bear.

In this case I do not recommend contacting her in any way no matter now superhuman the effort required is. You will never really know. Getting someone else to call her on your behalf is bordering on the strange.

Instead make up your own story if you have to based on your gut instinct as to what happened and let that be the narrative that gets you through this stage.

((((HUGS))))

posted by Wilder 19 June | 09:48

She has made it clear in her own special way

Pink, c'mon--is that any way for someone to tell a person that they're not interested in them anymore...? What the hell is so fucking special about it, if you can pardon my language--I'm not getting mad at you--just at the choice of words you choose to use sometimes.

You think she's justified to send me an idiotic text stating that she's gotten "married" out of the blue, after not answering me for about a week, before which she had told me that she was not feeling well and was sick.

You're better than to disrespect what she's asking you to do.

Fuckin' hell. I think I'll disrespect her as much as I want if this is the kind of behaviour she thinks is appropriate. And besides, I hardly think I'm doing anything out of character by trying to find out why.

posted by hadjiboy 19 June | 09:56

thanks for the hugs guys, but I'm seriously not as broken hearted about this as I am in a state of shock right now. I think Wilder nailed it: state of disbelief is what I might be going through.

Is this how it usually is--do people generally get broken up like this. How insane can you get.

posted by hadjiboy 19 June | 09:59

You think she's justified to send me an idiotic text stating that she's gotten "married" out of the blue

Oh, of course not. My use of "special way" was sarcastic- there's really nothing special about it; like others have said, the dump and run is a technique with a loooong history.

I think I'll disrespect her as much as I want if this is the kind of behaviour she thinks is appropriate.

I hope you don't mean that, and I don't think you mean that, either. You can be better this and rise above, and unfortunately, what that calls for now is to back off and break off contact.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 June | 10:01

You can be better this = You can be better THAN this

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 June | 10:02

You can be better THAN this

I was speaking in context to my asking her why she had done what she did, and if that's considered "disrespectful" then fine. I don't think it is though.

(Pink, wouldn't you want to know the reason why someone who you loved dearly left you all of a sudden?)

posted by hadjiboy 19 June | 10:20

Of course I would. But if they didn't want me to contact them anymore, what choice would I have but to respect that? Easier said than done, I know.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 June | 10:28

is this how it usually is--do people generally get broken up like this.

no.

How insane can you get.

you mean, like copying her behaviour from some Aishwarya Rai movie? that insane?

only problem is, i forget what happens next. i think you need to save the kid from a fight at school & she thinks twice about her marriage (which she was forced into by her uncaring & remote father for business reasons). or perhaps it's a tiger or a rogue elephant. i really can't remember.

anyway, very sorry to hear about this fuckery, but it sounds like you're much better off without her if she's going to be this much of an immature cow*

*hm, that would make her a calf. go Team Metaphor!

posted by UbuRoivas 19 June | 10:37

Stop. Right. Now.

You've already crossed the line into creepy. She doesn't owe you anything and you don't have a right to "get to the bottom of this". There's no justification whatsoever for contacting her again. Chalk it up to miscommunication or confusion or meanness or whatever, but move on.

posted by eamondaly 19 June | 10:48

Listen to eamondaly. Doesn't matter what she did but she really owes you nothing. Just move on.

posted by special-k 19 June | 11:05

If you can love her and her son without ever meeting them in person and only knowing of them for what, a few weeks? than why couldn't she have gotten married to someone else just as fast?

posted by amro 19 June | 11:20

Oh hadjiboy, this really sucks. I'm sorry. I totally understand your need to get to the bottom of things. But what do you hope to get out of it? What are some of the potential scenarios at the moment?

1. She was married all along and therefore lying to you. Don't contact her, she's fucked up.

2. She was always planning on getting married to this other guy and now has done so. So again, she's been lying to you, and is fucked up.

3. She made up this story to get you to back off. So she's incredibly immature because she can't just come out and say she's freaking out, also, she'd rather lie to you than approach things in a constructive manner. What does that say about her? What does it say about you that you would still want to pursue a relationship with her? A relationship with someone who treats you like that? ".... but I love her.." well, ok, but you don't ever love one person in this life. You can find someone that treats you properly.

I know that it's incredibly frustrating and difficult to back off. I myself loathe lack of resolution in any situation let alone one as full-on and life-changing as this. But you *have to*. No good can come of continuing to contact her. Even with the most charitable interpretation of her behavior, you'll be freaking her out with continuing to push.

posted by gaspode 19 June | 11:23

you mean, like copying her behaviour from some Aishwarya Rai movie? that insane?

Actually, if this was an Aishwarya Rai movie, she would be getting married to some guy because she promised her father who has since died that she would marry him. And there would be about 2 hours of mournful looks and seemingly unassociated cheerful dance numbers, and then at the very end the other guy would stand aside and let her be with her true love.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 June | 11:38

4. She's completely insane.
5. She's a scam artist.
6. Your level of attention and obsession in her life has scared her away.
7. You do live in an Aishwarya Rai movie, in which case do as TPS suggests.

Let it go. You are both on bad behavior right now - she doesn't owe you anything at all. She either is lying now or lied before, either way she's made it clear she wants you out of her life. You were so ready to fall in love with her that you also may have overlooked warning signs and other red flags.

You say you love her, and her son, but I'm not really clear how that's possible. You just want to be in love so bad that you are opening yourself up to worlds of hurt and frustration. You know what's frustrating? Watching you walk right into this bear trap, and all of us knowing there was nothing that could be done to stop you.

Let it go.

posted by SassHat 19 June | 11:45

People here should stop enabling this craziness. It does hadjiboy no good and it certainly isn't helping this woman out (or if she's a scammer, it helps her).

posted by mullacc 19 June | 11:50

What eamondaly said.

And, if I may say so, you do have a tendency to come on here, tell us about something that's happened, ask for advice and then give us a ton of "yes, but ..." and ignore everything people have been suggesting if it's not what you want to hear.

If I were her and you kept on contacting me when I'd said no more, I'd report you to your ISP.

This sounds like a fucked-up situation on all sides, so walk away now while you still have some dignity.

posted by essexjan 19 June | 11:56

mullac's right. There's a whole lot of enabling that goes on on this site, in general.

posted by amro 19 June | 12:00

Pretty much nthing what everyone else has said. She dumped you. Why and how is actually totally unimportant. What's done is done - never, ever, ever contact her again. This method is actually less painful than the back and forth, believe me.

Look, I'm going to say a couple of things here that may not make me popular but I think you need to hear them. First off, I don't think long distance relationships work. Pretty much ever. Maybe 5% of them make it and frankly, your chances of being in that 5% are so slim as to be nonexistent. I actually have a longwinded and vaguely faux scientific explanation for this involving pheromones and bonding and how not physically being together a lot during the crucial first stage of a relationship screws up vital hormones that make the long run impossible and how all that is bad for the barely evolved monkeys we really are and so on, but, take it as a given: the vast, vast, vast majority of long distance relationships Do. Not. Work. Out. Ever.

Second, look, read and reread what Taz and cmonkey said. You need some real life friends. You have to go out and make them. You've never dated a real woman. Well, you can't start on the internet. I'm sorry, but you can't. The internet is not real. It is a fantasy. Fantasies do not come true. You can indeed make friends on the internet but It. Is. Not. The. Same. Really, seriously, it isn't. Go out into the wide world and get some experience under your belt.

And stop thinking that falling in love and getting laid or getting married is going to solve any of your problems because it isn't. It's just going to add problems. That's all it ever does. Get your own life together first - move the hell out of your parents house, get a job you like and will hold for a while - before you start in on this relationship thing again.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but honestly, as several others have commented, this was a disaster waiting to happen from the get go. You need to learn from it (don't trust people on the internet so quickly. Love takes a long time. Just emailing back and forth does NOT a relationship make.) and move on.

posted by mygothlaundry 19 June | 12:01

hadjiboy, have enough respect for yourself to back away from this. There is something majorly screwed up in this woman's world and you're lucky to be out of it. Knowing the truth, if that's even possible, will not make the situation any better.

posted by deborah 19 June | 12:02

I've written another mail to her (I know you guys asked me not to, but I just want to get to the bottom of this)

YOU WILL NEVER GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.

There is no nice, neat story where all of this is going to be wrapped up to your satisfaction, where all your questions are answered, where she will be sufficiently chastened, and where you will be satisfied with the outcome. It sucks, but there it is. Continuing to contact her, for any reason, ONLY HURTS YOURSELF.

She can give you no resolution. Only YOU can do that, and you can ONLY do that by MOVING ON. Starting RIGHT NOW. You have many other options, of course, but pretty much all of them are bad for you. So please, follow all the advice that's been offered to you in good faith, and make the decision to do the one thing in this scenario that's good for you.

posted by scody 19 June | 12:03

mullaccc and amro are right. Please, y'all.

posted by rainbaby 19 June | 12:45

How is telling hadjiboy not to contact her "enabling"? I'm confused.

posted by gaspode 19 June | 12:47

Yeah, I'm confused as to how "Let her go. Quit contacting her. Back away." is enabling behavior.

This sucks, hadjiboy, but it's never going to be resolved, and continuing to contact her isn't going to bring closure. Especially with the distance involved, there's not likely ever going to be closure. Sorry.

One more thing: If you hear from her again and she makes any excuses for this along the lines of "Oh, I was just frightened and needed to push you away..." or whatnot, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. You don't want a part of someone like that.

posted by me3dia 19 June | 13:11

I think it's enabling because the tone here seems to support the notion that this was a legitimate relationship. Not everybody was doing this and it was way worst in the last thread about this situation.

posted by mullacc 19 June | 16:36

Oh Dear.
a) I'm sorry h-boy.
b) Right now you've been run over by a truck that will continue going forward and then reversing. You have the choice to roll out of the road, even though it's hard and hurts, to avoid getting run over again and again. You need to write her off entirely and never, EVER contact her again.
c) I'm with Taz and all the others encouraging you to get out there in real life and meet friends. And really? Don't even try for a girl at this point. Just stabilize your life. Work on goals, little by little, unless they're related to love. Put the idea of love entirely away and deal with the deeper problems first.
d) I'm also with Sass Hat. It *is* frustrating, for me at least, to have known that something bad was going to come out of this.

posted by Stewriffic 19 June | 16:42

I've written another mail to her (I know you guys asked me not to, but I just want to get to the bottom of this)

Yes, I know, television and movies and books would have you believe that everything is tied up in a nice neat little package at the end; people's actions and motives are explained; you understand why people behaved as they did. The audience learns the significance of "Rosebud."

Real life doesn't work that way.
Sometimes you don't get the answers.
"Closure" is overrated, anyway.

posted by DevilsAdvocate 19 June | 16:43

Last thread?

posted by bmarkey 19 June | 16:44

bmarkey: This one.

posted by mullacc 19 June | 16:59

Oh dear. This was an internet, across the world kinda thing?

Here's the thing about people on the internet - they're not real. Well they are, of course, but more to the point a lot of them won't treat you like you're real. Plus, long-distance-when-you-sometimes-can-get-together is really difficult; opposite sides of the planet would be about impossible, I'd think.

You need to meet real people, have actual face time with them, before you can even consider being in anything like a relationship with them. I thought that's what was going on here - guess I should read more closely.

posted by bmarkey 19 June | 17:08

I'm sorry, hadjiboy. I've been in similar situations, I suppose. I feel for what you're going through. Really.

This probably doesn't help at all or make you feel better, but as you get older you learn that what you thought were Opportunities Missed were really Bullets Dodged.

Live in the moment, be happy being yourself and being single, play the field, be interested in more than one woman at once, don't expect anything until it reveals and proves itself... In short, take everything not nearly so seriously till the good things fall in your lap, which they will. There's probably no way for you to do any of that, but boy do I wish I had been able to live that way when I was younger. Try not to let youth be wasted on you while you're young...

I'm sure none of that does any good, but it's still all true.

You're just going to be confused, obsessed and depressed for a while. No way around it. But enjoy the small moments when you can laugh, and the small things you can always enjoy, like food and family and friends and sleep...

Good luck. Feel better as soon as you can.

posted by shane 19 June | 23:36

I've told you this before, but you really need to stop pushing the fall-in-love-and-get-married-RIGHT-NOW thing. A good marriage is wonderful thing, a bad marriage (for those who don't believe in divorce, or who have kids and want to stay together for them) is a minimum of 15 to 20 years of hard labor and heartaches. Or a life sentence. And I'm afraid for you.

For your god's sake, listen to taz. Please.

When I started reading this, I thought we were hearing about an actual relationship with a real person, not an on-line only thing. While it doesn't lessen your feelings of hurt, you need to understand that you were not in love with this person, you were in love with an idealised, mostly made-up version of a real person. You need to stop putting pressure on yourself to find a wife or you will never find one or, what would be much, much worse, you will end up living your life with someone where the strongest feeling between you is loathing. There are far worse things in life than your own company.

Still, your heart is broken and you need to work on that. Getting drunk and moaning about how all women are bitches is the traditional western method to start this process, so I guess you need to do whatever fits that need for you. Then you need to destroy all details of her - all e-mails, letters, messages, photos etc and remove her phone number from everywhere you have recorded it. Never, ever contact her again because she is nothing to you any more.

In short, run fast, run long, don't look back.

posted by dg 20 June | 04:16

on the bright side, hadjiboy, you know we all love you. you're most likely worth a hell of a lot more than whatever this woman was all about. her loss. but that will be some other woman's gain, only you haven't met her yet. when you do, it'll be so fucking spectacular that i'll book a ticket to sunny hyderabad that very second just to bathe in the splendour of the fireworks.

you can buy those famous hyderabadi sweets, though. because i'm short of change & don't know where to find them.

posted by UbuRoivas 20 June | 05:21

Hadjiboy, I remember you met another Indian mefite in real life a while ago; what happened with that?

posted by brujita 20 June | 09:01

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