I like the new post-confirm page by the way, admins :)

Good morning! I confess I haven't been following all your troubles, BTGOG, but this sure woke me up.

Sounds like you've got a mountain of stuff on your mind. If your buddy doesn't have time to chat, I do. email in profile. or it will be in a sec.

Hang in there Gracie; you're much stronger than you think you are.

(I have my email account open as well right now, if you're in the mood to talk)

It's cool, guys. There's only so much talking to people outside this circle will do - I need to boost my reputation in it.

I'm putting what energy I have into my work. The higher standard it is the less stuff like this will happen. I need to learn to anticipate the errors that other people are going to make and take steps to prevent them, so other people don't make errors that they are going to blame on me.

If my disabilities mean that I have to spend a lot of my own time on my work, so be it.

I have to prove to myself that I am capable of keeping a fucking job.

I need to learn to anticipate the errors that other people are going to make and take steps to prevent them

Gracie, I don't think that's going to be possible; other people are always going to fuck up in ways you probably would have never imagined, and you're going to drive yourself nuts trying to figure out how to stay one step ahead of them. I still think you should get in touch with a good psychiatrist who can diagnose you properly and point you in the right direction. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's just that the rest of the world is a little bit tilted and you will have to learn how to get along with it as you go.

other people are always going to fuck up in ways you probably would have never imagined, and you're going to drive yourself nuts trying to figure out how to stay one step ahead of them

There is so much truth to that statement - oh, it's so very true. Course, you can minimize other's screw-ups, but never totally prevent. The hard part is not "taking credit" (telling yourself that you could have done something differently), or taking blame for someone else's mistake.

Not that you probably have the energy for this, but it might be worth joining another circle in addition to your current one. It sounds like you have all your emotional eggs in one basket. (I do the same so I completely understand how that happens!)

(((hugs)))
you're not alone.

Check your email.

Sorry I got to this late -- I would like to give you a hug and tell you that Andrew's shit is Andrew's shit. It's not yours. He reminds me of a professor I had who told me repeatedly that I was nothing without her (even though she was incapable of doing her own statistical analysis on research and the truth was, she would not have gotten tenure without me.) She would also stomp into a secretary's office if there were one typo on something, toss the letter on the desk with a flourish, and say, "This is UNACCEPTABLE." (A polite "please fix this mistake you missed" would have been sufficient.) I also dated a guy who was so much like this that I got therapy to figure out why the hell I would have chosen to stay in that relationship for three years.

Some people have to magnify what they see as your inadequacies to mask their own. It's hard to deal with people like this. But the key is not to take them personally -- it's really THEIR SHIT.

other people are always going to fuck up in ways you probably would have never imagined, and you're going to drive yourself nuts trying to figure out how to stay one step ahead of them

I have to holler OH YES to this. I grew up with mercurial parents who were never happy, one an alcoholic and one an ACOA enabler type. Wonderful people, but skilled in basically making everything not-their-fault. For some people this means blaming external forces and for others this means blaming whoever else is in the room. As a kid, that was me, a lot. So I got used to being the one who made Dad mad, or Mom forget something or both of them irritable so we couldn't do the thing we were supposed to do. And I internalized that... for years and years. I became a perfectionist believing that I could, if I tried hard enough, escape their weird fucked up wrath. Bleh. It wasn't true. I stopped trying. I became happier, slowly. They still tell me things are my fault and I pretty much tell them they aren't and we can move forward or they can yell at the wall and at my backside as I walk out the door.

In college, I wound up with an angry boyriend who would throw tantrums and yell and at me and throw things and I was like "You know what? This guy is a jerk and this is not my fault and even if I can't make him see that I can move forward and not assume responsbility for other people's bad behavior and blame. This goes DOUBLE-PLUS for work and if it makes me unemployable, I'll be happier in a box under the river."

Gracie, I know you're grappling with a whole host of issues that are wrapped up along with this so saying "it's not you, it's them" or "you just have to believe in yourself" is a little empty, but I do think it's okay to take an assessment and be able to say "You know, I didn't know I was supposed to talk to the business card people (silently, to Andrew, in head: because no one ever told me, you spoiled child) so let's figure out what we can do to fix this." END. No recriminations. No self-hate. No listening to other people hate on you. My basic question to people is "do you want to solve the problem or do you want to bitch me out, because bitching me out is the anti-problem solve at this point..."

I think that people who like to blame find people who are like you and I, who are used to taking blame and it bcomes a perfect cycle of mess and comfort while at the same time making one person [in this instance, you] very very unhappy. If he is enraged at you it is because he is a bad man, not because you did anything. While it may seem easy to trace the cause and effect and say "but I did do this and now he is angry..." that is false consciousness. If he is enraged it is because he lives in some bad place where it's okay to get really mad at people for human every day errors. That's not right. He may not change, but you can.

The higher standard it is the less stuff like this will happen. I need to learn to anticipate the errors that other people are going to make and take steps to prevent them, so other people don't make errors that they are going to blame on me.

You need to learn to anticipate the errors of others?? Sorry, but you sound too much like me for me to let this go.

Other peoples' errors are their own errors, not your errors. Your only obligation is to make them aware of their errors when those errors negatively affect you. That you should change YOU in order to accommodate them is based not on reality but on your own distorted sense of "I'm not worthy!"

Truth is, you are absolutely worthy. But those who want to make you FEEL unworthy are just trying to divert attention away from themselves, because they feel so unworthy.

My .02 worth, anyway.

I feel like I should say something wise here, for some reason, but I can't. SO here's a hug.

{{By the Grace of God }}