MetaChat - I apologise for being a mentally ill person. (warning: bummer)

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22 February 2008

I apologise for being a mentally ill person. (warning: bummer) →[More:]Seriously, I wish there were a way to politely check out of this world without disturbing any of the people that I care about.

I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to keep trying in any way shape or form. I've failed, I get it. None of my friends have time for me, etc.

I just don't want to do it anymore.

No, I don't want to go to therapy.

No, I don't want to do whatever perseverance trying shit.

I am here on this earth because it's illegal to check out of it, basically.

And no, I am not suicidal, or anything, so don't call the cops on me. I am just tired of meeting the expectation others have for me to persevere.

I don't want to have to work anymore. I want to go on disability but it's not allowed for an immigrant.

I think about finding ways to alienate everybody I know so they wouldn't go hunting for me if I dropped out of society. If I wrote them a polite letter asking them to forget about me, would they?

Mods, please feel free to delete this if it's too much a bummer.

post by: By the Grace of God at: 05:48 | 47 comments

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?

posted by TheophileEscargot 22 February | 06:13

By the Grace of God, you know that thread you posted in which you linked to the video of you asking one of the minister's there a question about Iraq (I think). Well, I was SO impressed with that. You were so calm, and clear, and you looked so ravishing. I thought--what the heck is she talking about (when you'd mentioned you'd had a lot of insecurities). It didn't look like you had any that day. I know how hard it can be, but I also know that there are people here who care about you (deeply), and would miss you terribly if you were to alienate us...

I don't know how to say this, but I've been in your position so many times, that every time I go into a spiral, it gets a little bit easier for me to come out of it. And even if it isn't, which sometimes it's not, I usually end up learning something from it (like what caused me to go into the depression). You know you don't have to do this alone--you can keep making posts like this whenever you want to, and we'll be right here replying to each and every one of them.

posted by hadjiboy 22 February | 07:06

Here's the thread, and here's the link that mathewr posted, but it's not there anymore... anyone know how to get it back?

posted by hadjiboy 22 February | 07:17

The world's much better with you in it. I thank you for fighting, and for hanging around here and making it a cheerier place.

posted by Eideteker 22 February | 07:22

Whoa, there, Grace. I don't think you need a dose of damn-well-acted Shakespearean angst right now. What you need is a bit of high-octane absurdity, courtesy of a very weird webcomic I did an odd collaboration with last year (and with an odd coincidence of names).
≡ Click to see image ≡

Yes, that's "Grace the Face"...

Anyway, I have also walked in your shoes... and I have also sat down and not wanted to walk any more... and the way it felt - the way it hurt to just exist - I wouldn't wish it on anybody. One thing I did to survive... and to give myself a reason to survive... was to drop myself into the temporary care of people who didn't care about me personally (and where, unlike Britney Whatserface, they didn't let me walk out). And if you're living where your immigrant status doesn't give you that option, then you might just want to un-immigrate to where you came from (but not necessarily to your family, except as very temporary residence). You really don't have to worry about friends you leave behind; I myself discovered the value of my MetaFriends and this virtual community right here. And it really is damned hard to alienate this group of virtual friends once you're in, so don't bother trying. Grace, let me assure you that it can and most likely will get better, and sometimes the first step can be as easy as falling forward (and less painful than it looks). My email's in my profile; I'm still at a point where I can't do much (I'm still recovering from a long period of doing too much for someone else), but I have an ear to listen and a million bad jokes to tell.

posted by wendell 22 February | 07:32

Just going through your Post Page Grace, and it's so nice to read your words again...

Three point butt report
I've got a question for a certain type of male bunny
What do I want to do with my life

I really like that last one. Have you come up with any other options... what are your hobbies by the way, Gracie? Any likes/dislikes? Do you feel like writing, and expressing your feelings? I know you're very passionate about doing the right thing. The bunnies would surely know what the right answer would be.

posted by hadjiboy 22 February | 07:43

You're in a bad place (and by that I don't mean Glasgow) and sometimes when you get lost in a bad place it's hard to remember that there even are other places. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other - you never know what's around the corner.

posted by oh pollo! 22 February | 07:58

Grace, I also know what it's like to want to give up. I have fought depression all of my life, and sometimes my meds fail and the depression wins. And, yeah, there were times I didn't want to go to work, times I thought it was horribly unfair that I had to go to therapy, and times I wished I could be "normal" like other people.

What kept me going and making the decisions I needed to get better was to believe that I was here for a reason, that I had a mission, and that I needed to stick around and get as healthy as I could so I could figure out what that was.

I am sending good bunny vibes your way.

posted by lleachie 22 February | 08:02

I'm sorry, sweetie; I wish I could give you a big hug and a really strong and yummy Irish coffee with an illegal amount of whipped cream and plop a ridiculous puppy on your lap. I'm not there, and you're not here, but that's my psychic wish for you at this moment.

You don't want to hear "hang in there," so I'm not going to tell you that. I'll just say instead, as your other bunny friends in this thread are saying, "Hang in here." Stick with us in bunnyland, Gracie.

posted by taz 22 February | 08:07

For roughly the twenty thousandth time this month, I thought about putting the muzzle of my M-1 Garand rifle in my mouth and pulling the trigger with my big toe. What's staying my hand -- or my toe -- is knowing the damage I'd do to the lives of people around me: the son who'll one day realize he needs his dad after all, the on-again-off-again girlfriend who cherishes every instance of contact with me, the cops who'd have to deal with the mess and the phone calls, the co-workers who'd have to pick up the slack, the friends who'd be shocked, horrified and aggrieved. BtGoG, I know exactly how it feels to get up and struggle each morning, thinking, "Okay, today I will make one more determined effort not to give up trying to be a decent, involved human being." I've been at this for years now. It's not fun, but on rare occasions I'm reminded that it's worth it to folks around me, if not to myself.

posted by PaxDigita 22 February | 08:11

What oh pollo and taz said, BtGoG. It's ok to slow down once in awhile. Take it at a pace that suits you - maybe it's like clouds that block the sun - they move on at some point, even though there may be others, too.

((((BtGoG))))

posted by chewatadistance 22 February | 08:12

been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. the answer is in your nick. all around you, wherever you are, are people who need something you have. start giving it up, honey!

posted by quonsar 22 February | 08:16

Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other - you never know what's around the corner.

This is hard advice, but true.

posted by muddgirl 22 February | 08:21

Coming from out of the woodwork to stand with you, BtGoG. 2008 has been a very hard year so far, and my depression is seeping into and numbing most of my life. But there are hopeful corners where it has not spread, some area here and there where where I find some shred of laughter, some jubilant spike. Look for those little, untouched places. We all have them. This is a bad time of year for those of us with depression, and if anything all of the bunnies empathizing with you should be a good indicator of that.

Take care, and take being cared for.

posted by moonbird 22 February | 08:31

Oh, girlfriend, been there done that got the tshirt and I am telling you it will pass and I am also telling you don't you DARE let the dragon win. Depression lies to us. It does. It tells us horrible things, and we are down, and we believe them but they aren't true!

Look at your user name. THAT is how you are gonna get thru this.

((((((((((((((((((((btgog))))))))))))))))))))

posted by bunnyfire 22 February | 08:39

Depression lies to us.

Those are wise words... please keep them in your mind, Grace.

*hug*

posted by BoringPostcards 22 February | 08:52

BtGoG, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Try to trust that things can and will get better.

posted by LoriFLA 22 February | 09:01

What everyone said honey, especially echoing taz and quonsar. We love the preciousness that is you.

posted by tr33hggr 22 February | 09:15

I'm normally allergic to the alleged wisdom of song lyrics, but "Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable/And lightness has a call that's hard to hear" surely resonates with me.

Like it says on the bracelet on my wrist: keep going. (A story I won't go into here & now.)

Every once in a while, you'll see a pair of friendly eyes, a pretty neat sunset, hear a good joke, enjoy a slice of chocolate cake and a cold glass of milk. Don't disengage completely.

If you need to come here and vent like you've done, you can see we Get It.

If you need to curl up in bed with the covers over your head once in a while, too...permission granted, carry on. (I'm there too, pretty much.) But do so with a firm plan to get out of bed again and resume the attack.

Stout heart. Pax sends.

posted by PaxDigita 22 February | 09:26

Don't worry about other people's expectations. Be nice to yourself. You don't have to make it look good. You're allowed to not have any answers or be at the top of your game.

I'll never forget the first time I heard your singing voice, like a more tuneful Janis or a more soulful Norah Jones. And that's only one of your gifts. They're part of you, too, and they're still in there.

posted by Miko 22 February | 09:37

(((((By the Grace of God)))))

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 22 February | 09:54

I've got some leftover whuffles, BtGoG. *wuffle*

I called my best friend at mumblemumble this morning because I was having my first anxiety attack in a year.

It's tough when your sick and tired of yourself and you *know* everyone else is, too.

Go ahead and sit, and don't get up. Just try to sit in some sunshine or under a lamp.

Even better is wendell's advice, and go find something absurd to watch or do - nothing left to lose, so have some fun. Fuck expectations.

posted by lysdexic 22 February | 09:57

I'm so sorry you're going through a bad time. As others have said, stick with us.

posted by essexjan 22 February | 10:15

Aw, Grace. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. You are such a bright spot here with a unique voice (and I don't just mean your singing voice). You've come through some difficult times with your humor intact, and we love you the more for that. *hugs*

posted by initapplette 22 February | 11:07

My best wishes to you and *hugs*, BtGoG. Can you take any time off work?

posted by goo 22 February | 11:25

Grace, I know that's not your real name (I don't think) but I always thought it fit you. I still remember when we talked on IRC. I wish I were in Scotland now so I could tell you in person that you'll be okay. When people feel bad it can be hard to remember that it's possible to feel good, but it is possible. Good days are coming. Please try to do what works to nurture yourself until they're here. Take it one day or one moment at a time. I can see you shine from all the way in America. :)

Hugs to everyone.

posted by halonine 22 February | 11:54

*hugs BtGoG*....fellow victim of the black dog, but please know the bunnies are here for you.

posted by brujita 22 February | 12:04

(((BtGoG)))

Just be. Just be with us for a while. There's no expectations here. You don't have to put on a brave face or a smile or anything like that.

(((PaxDigita))) too.

posted by gaspode 22 February | 12:06

(((Grace)))

posted by misskaz 22 February | 12:42

There is some wonderful advice, support, and observations in this thread. Listen to the bunnies. *whuffles*

posted by Specklet 22 February | 12:44

Hugs for all. Depression can make you want to be away from everyone but as taz says please stick around here.

posted by arse_hat 22 February | 12:47

BTGOG I wish I had some advice for you but I'm in the same place, except for the immigrant part. It's ghastly when the love other people feel for me only feels like weight and obligation.

For 5 minutes yesterday evening the rain stopped and I could see light behind the clouds and I knew that there was ocean over there. Just for a couple minutes I thought I might make it to spring and might even have some fun- promise and beauty were in the world. That's the first time I've felt that in ... months at least.

And then it went away. Completely and utterly it went away. I've been trying all night and morning to get it back, but it's not working. I can't tell if it was gift or a cruel trick.

Sorry to bring some more downer to your thread. It was just so timely. So instead of being helpful I'm the mooching advice that other people are giving you.

Basically what I'm getting out of this is that I need to track down a puppy.

posted by small_ruminant 22 February | 13:02

You won't want to hear this, but nearly all of us go through this. It's very tough, but it's worth hanging in, and possible to do so.

{{{BTGOG}}}

posted by shane 22 February | 13:02

Hi guys, you are all pretty awesome. Thanks for letting me vent and for your kind and wise words.

posted by By the Grace of God 22 February | 13:07

Ooh-rah. We got yer back, gal.

posted by PaxDigita 22 February | 13:29

small_ruminant, this popped into mind:

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.

There is something horrendously cruel about those almost-spring moments. It's like pins and needles when your foot's fallen asleep and you're trying to wake it up -- dead and numb is at least pain-free, awake and moving is great, but the process of getting from one to the other can be fucking painful.

posted by occhiblu 22 February | 13:38

BTGOG, much love to you! Send me an email if you want to talk. I'm an immigrant too, so i bet we have more in common than you realize!

posted by ramix 22 February | 13:44

(((Grace)))

I don't want to hijack your thread, so I'll just say I'm right there with you.

posted by deborah 22 February | 14:02

thanks, occhiblu- that's a good poem for now.

posted by small_ruminant 22 February | 14:13

For all us prone to depression bunnies...

flax seed, flax seed oil, fish oil.

I just suddenly realized my week long depression almost exactly coincided with the fact I'd stopped taking my flax seed meal.

Worth a shot. Especially because I recall I felt pretty darn good those couple of weeks I did take it.

posted by bunnyfire 22 February | 14:22

((((BtGoG)))) depression is awful, knowing you are not alone with it is probably the only tiny light at the moment. But it is there.
Reading these lovely thoughts of people you have touched and who empathise is a start.

posted by Wilder 22 February | 14:43

WTF? I'm amazed that so many of us have our own struggles. I will also out myself as one of those who has wondered. Of course many of you had great advice to me in my ARGH ARGH ARGH thread of a few days ago.

I DO NOT want to choke up here at work, but I must say something to one person in here, and I hope to god you come back and read it.

To PaxDigita:
As the son of a man who couldn't stop himself, I thank you more that you can possibly imagine for staying that hand, and sticking around for your son. He may never know how hard it might be for you. Hell, none of us might. But, brother, THANK YOU for not leaving him. It fucking hurts to be left behind sometimes.

posted by richat 22 February | 15:05

You know, Grace, I can't really offer any good advice. All I can tell you is that I have experienced the same feelings. The best I can tell you is that it will pass. Everything changes, and your feelings are no exception. Sometimes you must simply endure it. Obviously, medication helps, but even changing pharmaceuticals only partly changes the way one feels, and it takes time to kick in.

It won't last for ever.

posted by pieisexactlythree 22 February | 15:20

I am just tired of meeting the expectation others have for me to persevere.

BtGoG, that sums up a feeling I've had too many times myself.

One of the beauties of this place, this non-place, this page we're on, is the utter lack of expectations. It's just a place to be.

That's priceless.

Like so many others, I love that you chose to be here.
_______________________________________

I promise I don't have any advice. I do have a little story, though.

About a decade ago, I entered the darkest passage of my life. I didn't want to kill myself; I just wanted to lie down and die. I hoped I would lie down and die.

Every day, every step, felt like a long dark road with no bright light ahead.

I kept going, though. I reasoned thus: if there is brightness around a corner, I can't see it --- because it's around a corner, duh! But if I keep going, maybe I'll turn that corner.

That stupidly simple logic helped me keep going through my life one day after another, not looking for the brightness, just hoping maybe it would sneak up on me.

It did. I didn't see it growing brighter and brighter until it was quite dazzling.
___________________________________

(((((BtGoG)))))

posted by Elsa 22 February | 19:02

(((((((((((((BtGOG))))))))))

Wish I could give those to you in person.

Richat, you moved me to tears.

posted by redvixen 22 February | 20:06

The best thing, I find, that helps me is to remind myself that it's just a mood. My brain responding to biochemical/hormonal fluctuations in my body. That it doesn't mean anything. And that it'll pass. Even when my head feels like it's screaming at me sometimes, I find this helps. I try to calm myself, maybe do something to distract myself. Dishes, laundry, a walk, a nap, TV. Now if it doesn't pass in a day or two, I'd definitely ask for help. It doesn't matter that you don't want to go to therapy. Go anyway. Look for ways to lower stress in your life if you can.

As for work, what can I say, we have to work, right? No one wants to, even people who like their jobs generally would rather be doing something else. You might look to change your job if you're unhappy, but if you don't work, things fall apart in a hurry. Besides, ultimately, you feel a lot better if you're taking care of yourself and staying engaged with the world. It might be a relief temporarily to give up on work, but then the anxiety kicks into high gear, in my experience. I never really enjoyed that kind of time off.

Anyways, hope you're feeling a little better... your moods do seem cyclical, in some way, if you don't mind me saying (which might be good, in that hopefully the lows do pass). See if you can notice a pattern, certain triggers. Might help with your self-dialogue/coping strategies. Now if I could just take my own advice more often...

posted by Pips 22 February | 23:38

That's pretty smart stuff, Pips. It's one's brain being a jerk. No need to pay it too much heed! Note it and name it and move on-- by being occupied with something. That's how the brain does good, by being occupied with a task, rather than floating around.

That's the plan, at least.

BtGoG, this thread alone is ample evidence that the world is a much better place for your presence.

posted by ibmcginty 23 February | 01:25

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