Open mouth, insert webbed foot Here are two stories about times when I said something really, really inappropriate.

→[More:]Story No. 1: About five years ago I got home from work to find a message from my sister that said, casually, "Hi [Orangie]. Call me back when you get home." She never calls me, so when I called her back, I said, "So who died?"

She said, "Uncle Ivan."

I said, "Oh." There was a moment of silence, and then we both started laughing uproariously.

Story No. 2: Once about ten years ago I was at my friend "Martin's" musical performance at a pub. During intermission he introduced me to a friend of his, "Allison", then went zooming off.

Allison and I chatted. She told me she and Martin had used to date. She asked me what I did. I said I worked for a publishing house as an editor. She asked me what kind of stuff we published, and I said we did legal and professional reference stuff, then added that so many people think that sounds dull that I sometimes claim to be an editor for a lesbian porn magazine called Bosom Buddies.

Allison's eyes widened, she gave a polite laugh, and then changed the subject. A horrible suspicion dawned in my mind.

Martin gave both me and Allison a ride home, and dropped Allison off first. Then as he and I got underway he said, "Hey, remember how I told you one of my ex-girlfriend's realized she was a lesbian after we broke up?"

I screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" and Martin said, "What'd you say?"

I told him, and he laughed so hard he almost drove off the road.

These days I don't ask people who died or claim to be working for any publication called Bosom Buddies.