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05 August 2007

Open mouth, insert webbed foot Here are two stories about times when I said something really, really inappropriate.

[More:]Story No. 1: About five years ago I got home from work to find a message from my sister that said, casually, "Hi [Orangie]. Call me back when you get home." She never calls me, so when I called her back, I said, "So who died?"

She said, "Uncle Ivan."

I said, "Oh." There was a moment of silence, and then we both started laughing uproariously.

Story No. 2: Once about ten years ago I was at my friend "Martin's" musical performance at a pub. During intermission he introduced me to a friend of his, "Allison", then went zooming off.

Allison and I chatted. She told me she and Martin had used to date. She asked me what I did. I said I worked for a publishing house as an editor. She asked me what kind of stuff we published, and I said we did legal and professional reference stuff, then added that so many people think that sounds dull that I sometimes claim to be an editor for a lesbian porn magazine called Bosom Buddies.

Allison's eyes widened, she gave a polite laugh, and then changed the subject. A horrible suspicion dawned in my mind.

Martin gave both me and Allison a ride home, and dropped Allison off first. Then as he and I got underway he said, "Hey, remember how I told you one of my ex-girlfriend's realized she was a lesbian after we broke up?"

I screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" and Martin said, "What'd you say?"

I told him, and he laughed so hard he almost drove off the road.

These days I don't ask people who died or claim to be working for any publication called Bosom Buddies.
Oh crap. Turns out I already posted the first story. Sorry about that. But the second one is new...
posted by Orange Swan 05 August | 20:09
I love the Uncle Ivan story. It's terrible, but wonderful at the same time.

I will never forget the most inappropriate thing I ever said in my life, at the ripe old age of six. My father had taken me to a K-Mart type place, and the woman at the cash register was quite overweight.

"You're very pretty for a fat person," I said to her.

My father apologized profusely and got me out of the store as fast as he could. When he told me I wasn't to say anything like that ever again, I didn't understand. I mean, I complimented her, right? And what I said was true! She was pretty, and she was fat, and she was the prettiest fat woman I'd ever seen.

The best part is that the woman just smiled and thanked me for my compliment. Which, I suppose, makes it even worse.
posted by brina 06 August | 08:52
Speaking of dead uncles. . .once long ago a particularly unfavorite uncle died, and driving up to the funeral, my brother, sister, and I sang "I'm Getting Buried in the Morning," so the Rogers and Hammerstein melody. Our mother was not amused.
posted by danf 06 August | 12:08
Of all the reasons to exercise and eat well... || It's pretty much impossible

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