No touching, no flirting -- they haven't so much as hugged.

To me, this part is key. I don't think she's all that interested in Boy. Maybe she's still in emotional mourning or something, but to me, people who "don't know how they feel" . . . . don't feel it.

I should note, however, that my track record in relationships is pretty bad, so I'm hardly Ann Landers talking here.

Girl says she hasn't been single in awhile and is enjoying that status. She says she doesn't know how she feels about Boy yet and that she's always notoriously slow at working that out. She says she likes the Boys company, but understands if that doesn't work for the Boy's timetable.

IMO, This is what people say before they fall into serious relationships. Keep taking her out and see what happens.

Yeah. Boy needs to take Girl out more.

You know what? I have to say that it sounds like she is communicating with you pretty clearly and directly; no games here. I don't see a lot to read into, or a lot of hidden motives or anything. I don't know that you even needed the secondary info from the mutual friends -- her entire stance is right there, where you relate to us everything she said to you. Why not just believe her?

She's saying: this is where she's at right now - she enjoys your company but is not interested in rushing, and would need more time to see what feelings develop.

Take it from this moment. She has told you she gets that the timetable might be too slow for you, and that she's not sure where it's headed. Very, very honest and clear, (she sounds mature). She also completely understands that you might want to move on and not wait around for her, so she's not playing a hard-to-get or jump-through-hoops game.

So that gives you the freedom to either tell her 'thanks, it's been fun, and good luck,' if you don't want to wait any longer, or to go out a few more times if you are strongly interested in her.

If you don't want to wait much longer and it ends here, how terrible is that? You've had a good time together, can have a friendly parting, and given her a really non-scary, respectful, comfortable re-introduction into the dating world. That's a lovely thing all on its own, IMO. The other alternative is quite nice - that things warm up and you want to continue. Sounds like she's giving you a nice chance to communicate back what you'd like to get from this. If it's a match, great - if not, so be it. I guess for you there are two questions - a) do you like her enough to want to keep pursuing it, and b) if so, do you have the patience to allow her whatever time she needs, whether or not it works out in the end? I'm sure you'll figure out some good answers to those.

But isn't it refreshing to hear straight up what someone feels?

Boy needs to just ask himself whether it's worth it and treat Girl well with that in mind. He should take responsibility for what is going on, and not assume anything outside of that.

If there are other possibilities that both people may or may not be mulling over, then tone everything way down and don't worry. It doesn't sound serious yet.

Go have fun.

Miko is dead right. How interested are you in girl? Settle down interested? Or are you in settle-down-phase of life and that's what you might be shopping for? Or are you just dating interested? Dating see how it goes interested?

I had the same reaction as Miko.

However, you have options other than "see ya" and "let's go out a few more times". If you're really interested in her, why not do some group activities? (Where you're not specifically her date for the evening.) Spend some low-pressure time with her and get to know her better as a friend. Keep in touch with her, and keep an eye out for other opportunities at the same time.

Three weeks is minumum recovery time from bad emotional experience. Boy may be moving a little fast. It's neurophysiological and is much the same as time to heal skinned knee.

And what the Bunny Girls said.

Have fun.

I worry that if you hang in there (and she IS being very clear and "adult," you will get more and more invested in a certain outcome. I think that I would, even if I act cool about where she is at. So watch yourself.

The only other thought that I have is that I hope that when you two eventually kiss, that it's sparky and nice. Non-compatibility in kissing would be a prob.

Good luck to both of you.

What Miko and agropyron said.
Good luck mate.

What citrusfreak12 said. :)

What Miko said.

Recently dumped girl is being open and honest about her feelings, and very careful with yours. Unless we're all missing huge nuances here, it sounds like she's doing everything right, and working hard to make sure that she's taking care of herself and of you.

Do what you like, but I certainly wouldn't assume she's trying to manipulate you in any way.

(Depending on how long she was with the last boyfriend, she may actually just be trying to get used to being with someone new without comparing you to him. That can take a while, and is why I try to leave huge gaps between relationships; it can be really unfair to the new guy. But again, to me at least, it sounds like she's aware of all of this, and is trying to be honorable to both of you. (I mean, you and her. Not you and him.))

Also, since this isn't an exclusive relationship as yet ( I share the opinion that Girl is being straightforward) what have to got to lose by pursuing other avenues as well?
It may well clarify for both Girl and Boy in this equation whether or not they want to be in an exclusive relationship.

Thanks guys. Girl #2 is on vacation and will return in three weeks.
Boy will switch to "hang out" mode. Let the chips fall where the may!

she doesn't know how she feels about Boy yet and that she's always notoriously slow at working that out

this is not exactly true ... Apparently Girl fell very hard, very quickly for the last guy.

Totally necessarily 100% mutually exclusive statements. She might have fallen hard and quick for him, but that doesn't mean she knew how she felt, or worked those feelings out to an understanding very quickly.

I think perhaps the most that's safe to say is that she hasn't fallen hard and quick for you... yet. Which is good. It would be dumb of her to let that happen at such a time in her life. But who knows. The fourth date could do it. You never know.

So how do YOU feel about her? Other than wondering what she's thinking... what are you thinking?

Boy instinctively knows that he must take things slow.
she doesn't know how she feels about Boy yet

He's not looking for declarations of everlasting love or even a quick lay
She says she likes the Boys company

Sounds like you're both just takin' it slow & enjoying it. You are being driven mad with curiosity about where it's going. She is not. But don't confuse mad curiosity with interest, forthcomingness, clarity of feelings... Don't worry so much! It's 3 dates! Give it some time!

And before you have another Big Conversation, for chrissake's plant one on her and see what happens.

Totally necessarily 100% mutually exclusive statements.

Uhhh, oops. I meant NOT mutually exclusive necessarily.

Boy has other prospects he could pursue...thus hedging his bet?

This is truly the devil whispering in your ear. There's no bet-hedging. What you're thinking of doing is a controlled-burn. A little firebreak across your heart to stay the disappointment in case things don't develop. It's clear that you are developing feelings for Girl and you're nervous because you don't have guarantees yet that they will be returned. But dating someone else isn't an answer.

Unless there is someone who truly interests you more, I encourage you to stick with this and see where it goes. Your discomfort betrays the fact that you are in fact interested in Girl. That's rare, and she seems open, so see where it goes.

Miko said it well. It does sound like she's been perfectly frank with you. I'd drop the intelligence source mutual friend and take Girl as she comes. Perhaps you need to be more honest with her about the fact that 4 dates and no clear direction is a stopping point for you. Or that you would like to be able to expect more at this point. Or that you are really looking for something clear, passionate, and immediate, and hesitate to invest more time.

Are those things true?

All I want to know is: how'd Miko get to be so freakin' smart?

Oh, I'm plenty capable of being a total idiot a lot of the time, and prove it constantly beyond all doubt.

If there is any wisdom in the things I say, it's been developed by either scrambling through my own ungainly screwups, or quietly but keenly observing everyone else's. A sadder but wiser girl, I guess.

OK...I loves you folks, so I'm gonna put it out there and take it like a man.

I think I'm just frustrated, because I feel like I've left a long interview for a job I really want, without a clue of how well I did!

See, I'm pushin' 40 and I've never been particularly confident of my looks and I'm only a so-so bullshitter. So when it came to chatting up ladies, I was the latest of bloomers. But after a few minor disasters, close calls and hard lessons, I'd like to think I'm wise enough to handle myself with a modicum of class. (Feo, Fuerte y Formal!)

Miko, I didn't mean to imply that Girl was out to manipulate me in any way -- I said that I knew I'd have to proceed with caution! However, I usually figure out where I stand pretty quickly, even though it would be unrealistic to expect everything to be mutual.

But Girl has me utterly flummoxed.

In our short time together, we've discussed subjects that I haven't broached with friends I've known for years. And it felt totally unforced and natural. She's met a bunch of my friends and each time we've kicked it, we wound up staying out until closing time. There's something to be said for that. But since there are no (romantic) vibes from her at all, it's like I'm hanging out with one of my platonic female friends and since I don't know where I stand, I'm afraid that my behavior will become forced and unnatural.

I am attracted to her -- that became clear to me on the second date (and I was surprised by that, actually. Girl is 12 years younger than me, I tend to date closer to my age, there's less BS). Without revealing too much, I know Girl has been through some shit. I respect that, but since she doesn't seem to know how she feels -- for my own sanity's sake -- I need to limit the effort here. A "controlled burn" seems like a good idea.

We have plans to go out this week, which could change everything...but if nothing sparks between us, that's cool. I just don't have an bottomless well of confidence to draw from. Girl will still be part of my social circle, but it would be easier to treat her like a friend.

I can handle disappointment. But something clear, passionate, and immediate is exactly what I want.

black8 - you sound like a dream date for the right girl who wants the same thing! :) Honest about emotions, knowing what you want, fun to kick with, relaxed. Stand up straight man, you are great!

Also, good luck with all the future dating adventures.

You know what you want and you have a plan. You sound just fine. You're ready, and the right thing will find you, or you'll find it, though it may take a little trial and error sometimes along the way. Best of luck!

I'd say you're on the Gold trail. Give it some time. A 12 year age difference could give anyone pause, and may require a little extra time and finesse.