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10 July 2006
There's no such thing as a stupid question, but there are stupid answers. It's "Capn Gives Bad Advice Day" again.
Post your questions!
Capn, various members of my extended family are heavily into several different "multi-level marketing" companies. How should I deal with the situation when one of my cousins is pressuring me to sell Melaleuca products or something?
agropyron, the best defense is a good offense, become a Scientologist
mike nine thousand three hundred and twenty two, you should go for "world's hardest to communicate over the phone email address", I suggest mike_nine_three_two_two_as_numbers_all_one_word_at_gmail_dot_com_thats@gmail.com
Smart Dalek, one of those old-timey silver plate brownie boxes, having to sit perfectly still for up to 2 minutes will lend an air of seriousness to what is otherwise a frivilous day
sciurus, number 87 in the Karma Sutra (revised King James edition): In A Mansion Next To A Pile Of Money And Diamonds
I'm trying to make a tetrahedron or maybe a garage for my antique Volkswagen, but it keeps turning into a snake and then there's always a snake chase. How do I get the ropes to hold still so I can make the damn thing?
Dear Capn,
I just found a baby girl on the sidewalk. I've always wanted one (actually I've always wanted a boy, but I ain't getting any younger and besides, who am I to question the Lord)!
So anyway, what now?
Dear Capn,
How many hours of sleep do I need? I'm currently sleeping 8 hours a night, but find that I don't have enough time during the day. Can I sleep less?
Is shit from different creatures more or less the same? Like the way wine grapes come in different varietals? I'd guess that dogshit and manateeshit would both fall under the umbrella of shit, and that the vast difference between whaleshit and flyshit might be similar to the differences between Semillon and Shiraz.
Also, are there Meritage-style melanges of shit varietals available, and is there a governing body established to make sure these shts are mixed with an eye to purity, consistency, and beauty?
rainbaby, Atkins isn't so much a "diet" as it is a return to humans' original natural diet. It is a well known scientific fact that before they were domesticated, wild cows would milk themselves, churn this milk in to butter, baste themselves in this butter than wander in to cavemen's fires and lie down
Hugh, the "snakes" you're seeing are actually projections of machine-elves in to our dimension. You are trying to build a tetahedral garage on a dimensional nexus point, and that's probably against your local building codes. You'll need to go to city hall to get a variance.
hellbient, that's not a baby girl, that loq's other leg, the good news is you no longer be afraid of horse-attacks
danf, yes, that is fine as long as you don't turn the shower on. If you must turn the shower on, you'll have to keep the ipod somewhere safe and warm... I'm sure I'll think of somewhere.
TrishaLynn, when companies want to do a lot of firing, but not feel personally bad about it, they ofter hire an executive to do the dirty deeds then leave the company, this person is known as the "bag man", so that's what you'll be left holding, the bag. In answer to your question, black, black like your heart.
easternblot, consider that you need to do a number of tasks to live, but while you're sleeping you don't need to do those things, if you slept 23 hours a day, you'd have much less to do.
jrossi4r, the reason you can't drink or smoke anymore is because your mouth is closed.
Oh wise Capn, if this is my leg why are you still pulling it? And why is my shoe all wet? And if this is still my leg, will you help me find my penis? I wish to make it with a real live girl. Hopefully before sundown. I have placed a craiglist ad which I'm sure will be successful.
Dear Capn: Please excuse me, I stupidly posted this urgent question in your last session by mistake. How can I diplomatically tell my client from hell that his taste sucks, his ideas are shallow, his wife is a shrew, and at least three quarters of his workforce is poised to sue him. Did I mention that when he eats, half the meal winds up in his yucky beard? Don't say to sever the relationship ... baby needs shoes.
Pips, 1) Once out of the teenage years, tumultous twenties and anxious thrities, an opium habit can actually be quite distingished and alluring. 2) The good news is yes, yes you will, you will be the most beloved and adored Miss America ever, songs will be written, poems will be written, great banners will be hung from the palaces and halls, thousands will chant your name. The bad news is, you will be known as "Our Zombie Princess".
agropyron, have you tried coating yourself in sugar? Scalding molten sugar?
loq, you sold your penis to the gypsies three years ago, while drunk. I could tell you where it is and how to buy it back, but at this point, you don't want it.
mike9322, there is one place, but if you go there, you have to worry just as much about crawl space badger
Specklet, a good mnenoumonicunic for "exercise" is "Elephants Xylophone Reluctantly Early, Cats Instead Sing Elegantly"
loq, you sold your penis to the gypsies three years ago, while drunk. I could tell you where it is and how to buy it back, but at this point, you don't want it.
Goddamnit. That figures. My penis is AWOL and having more fun than I am. *cue well known King Missle song*
Capn, I've spent all my money on shoes and bad living, and now can't pay my rent. What are the most lucrative medical experiments I can be a guinea pig for and where do I sign up?
m-juju-j, there's really only one easy way to get that kind of message across. Access a pocket-dimension containing a universe identical to our own. Kidnapp the version of your boss from that universe, shave off his beard, take his ID and money and wipe his memory. Then show this boss your boss in all his glory, he'll see what he's like and repent, then restore his memory and kill the this-universe version of your boss and drop the reformed boss in his place
cmonkey, I have some news, news that may shock and amaze you! That man was none other than me! Yes, I remember that night in Venice, oh, I remember it well, I wined and dined you, romanced you with sweet words and coy glances, and then, then we danced! Oh how we danced, wheeling around and around the courtyard, until, one spin I was there, the next I was gone! What happened? What could cause me to leave you after all the things I did, all the promises said and unsaid? I can never ever tell you.
1) ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? If so, do you prefer almonds, cashews or macadamias?
2) How can I motivate myself to get out in the Real World more often when my previous RL relationships sucked the life out of me and it's so comfy here in the MeCha?
3) Dead computer. I'd like to give it away to a charity who might fix it, but there are things on the harddrive I don't want innocent techs to see (sadistic fantasies featuring the Geek Squad, etc.). What should I do?
4) Why are there all the good TV shows on at the same time? Should I buy six more Tivos, or just wait for the world to come out on DVD?
5) We know cilantro may or may not be evil, but is there any such thing as too much garlic?
6) Why do I always have to ask more questions than everybody else?
7) How do you like my haircut? Be honest, kind of.
elizard, deep in the military bunkers buried under New Mexico, top men (... top ... men) are working to turn a human in to an apartment. You could kill two birds with one stone. Enlist and ask to be attached to "special unit 13"
wendel,
1) I make more peanut butter than George Washington Carver.
2) Stay off The Real World, the big money is on Survivor XXV: New Jersey
3) Be very very ashamed
4) Yes, I agree there are a torrent of good shows on at the same time, well not a whole torrent, maybe a bit of a torrent
5) In 2003, the latest year that we have accurate information for, the total world consumption of coal was over 6 billion short tonnes. This would not be enough garlic.
6) You have an inquisitive and curious nature, also, you are a big showy mc showofferson.
7) The live phesants, while attractive, will be hard to keep up.
Capn, you're slipping. The answers to most of my questions (2-6) actually constituted good (if sometimes cryptic) advice.
However, you may have been working off the wrong picture of me for the hair answer. I don't have any live phesants, What I do have is one of the surviving members of A Flock of Seagulls, who, I must admit, will be hard to keep up.
Now try it one more time and this time I want bad advice:
1) I have a coupon for 20% off any one item at Bed Bath and Beyond. What should I buy?
2) Until I lose enough weight, should I go out to bars wearing a button saying "It's OK, you can be on top"?
3) It hurts when I do this. I don't want to stop doing this. What do I do?
Oh, and I accidentally got a private email intended for you, so I'll answer the question myself. No, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant, for one good reason. You're a guy. I wanted to mention it to you on our last date, but you were having so much fun I didn't want to ruin anything.
Thank you for your sagacity and wit, oh capn, my capn. This thread made for a delightful and informative read. I feel smarter and better equipped to tackle life's daily vicissitudes already.
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
