Here in the UK, it's illegal to release a grey squirrel into the wild. If it's grey, and it's in your house, it's yours for life.

Mine is grey, and mine is going back into the wild. America: I take back all the nasty things I've said about you lately.

Be careful he doesn't lay eggs in your closet. When they hatch, hundreds of tiny squirrels swarm all over, creating a mess of web and so on.

In America, squirrels are not allowed to lay eggs. Jesus, I thought everyone knew that.

I HAD THIS HAPPEN TO ME BEFORE!

lock the cats in the bathroom and chase him outside!

mine got in by chewing through the flimsy plastic window filler air conditioner screen thing.

Why do you assume it's a "he"?

mrs. pants, I admire your beauty and talent and gumption, but there is no fucking way I'm chasing that squirrel.

After all, I've heard this. And on the cosmic scale of aptitude, where 10 is Lenny Briscoe and 1 is Squirrel Cop, my best talent is knowing exactly what my score is. And I'm no Lenny Briscoe.

and our 78 player

*jealous*

And why do assume that the pest control "dude" is a "he" too?

Sexism is rampant.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, squirrels are assholes.

All squirrels are male. All wildebeeste are female. That's why they reproduce together, silly.

All dudes are male.

We had one come into our church once during a noon prayer meeting.

No, I don't live in Mississippi.

Dude, I spoke to the pest control dude. It's a dude.

Dude has a dog that might be helping him if the squirrel somehow has to escape and be, erm, hunted. I'm assuming the dog is a she. Also, how awesome is it to be that dog?

I refuse to entertain the notion that the squirrel is female.

(bunnyfire, in all earnestness, let us pray: squirrel, be a dude.)

Nobody post an inline of the squirrel with the balls hanging out, okay?

Lock the cats up in another room, open the door to outside, open the closet door, retreat, and see what happens. I'd be worried that pest control dude is going to try something serious (like a small thermonuclear device) that might make the squirrel unhappy, and/or your living room uninhabitable. You could chase the squirrel with the broom a bit, or scream, or kind of jump up and down, which is usually what I do in these situations. Last winter my cats had a rat in the dining room and then this spring there was the baby rabbit - these encounters ended badly. I swept the rat out the door with the broom, though.

Follow mygoths' advice, but remember to get a hockey mask and a tennis racquet and a catchers chest protector on first, John Candy has never steered me wrong in any pest control or sharing a hotel room with another male situation.

Someone find that picture of a squirrel laying an eggsac and the eggs hatch and the baby squirrels have bees coming out of their mouths.

Thank you mygoth, but pest control dude will be using a live trap, not a missle launcher. I like squirrel right where he is. It is comforting, much more so than if squirrel dashed past me into the kitchen. Or up the stairs, into my bedroom...seriously, the hell with that.

I could have a CBC chem suit and I still wouldn't go in there. Remember that I watched this squirrel do an exercise ball dance. I am in no shape for heroics.

Oh and shut your piehole, agropyron.

squirrels have nuts: ergo dudes.

Hugh did you mention squirrel soup to your cube neighbor?

Pest control dude came over and wow.

He had a dog; I was expecting some big snuffly hunter and instead she (Daisy, I totally called the girl dog thing) was I kid you not a daschund. After hauling out barrels of our stuff from said closet, Daisy got in there and started making excited tap dancing noises. Squirrel said "hell with this" and ran past Daisy, past dude, past me, and to the dining room. Dude made a beeline and by some ninja manuever caught squirrel, holding by its upper body with its ass in the air, and stuck it in a trap.

We were all breathing pretty hard by then. Then we go outside and discover a large hole in the porch roof, and looking out at us was squirrel's girlfriend. She was like, "Where you taking my old man?" and I was like, holy balls.

So this is just the start of our squirrel adventure. Christ. But after seeing squirrel in motion I am deeply grateful that I am not as brave as mygoth or mrs. pants.

this is where squirrels (at least Todd) come from

melissa may, I am sorry you had to suffer the wrath of squirrel but holy balls, that was funny. Just be grateful it didn't curl up in the fireplace and die. I had that happen one year. You would be surprised at just how much grotesque funk one dead squirrel can put out.

Wow, your sick day was a lot more interesting than mine, melissa may. (Thank goodness...)

squirrel = tree rat

mm, thank you for giving me a reason to walk around tonight and say, "Holy balls!"

I'm sorry you had such a stressful day, but sending all my love and lurve and not the squirrelly kind, either.

Aw, nuts.

Lurveball right back at you, LeeJ and fris, but I am okay. More amused than anything, actually -- I think it hit some sort of hilarity reset button so that things actually seem funny again after a patch of feeling blue.

(Lynda Barry is the genius who got me saying holy balls years ago, and I try to reserve it for special occasions, but you go on ahead fris -- you will be surprised at how useful and varied its applications are in life.)

Holy balls! You're right about the expression. It's very gratifying.

Same squirrel/cat thing at my house. Cats were sitting on the stove, where they know they are forbidden, staring up at the exhaust vent. I locked up the felines, put a bucket under the vent and opened it up. Out ploppped a very vigorous squirrel. I got a huge kick out of watching him leap from doorway to doorway, hanging onto the molding. Anyway, he let himself out. It was kinds cool.

Your description of your cats' comments was funny!

Squirrel's girlfriend! We had a squirrel girlfriend totally going to town on our asses after psycho dog killed Mr. Squirrel & drug his body inside to guard it for a while on the much abused rug. She completely attacked the house, it was insane. So be glad you released her boyfriend, because squirrel girlfriend (try saying that 10 times fast) is serious, now.

Oh, and I'm glad you got him out of there & everyone is doing well, hon!

yes, that is a totally intentional use of the lesser known past tense of the english verb drag, as in I drag, you're a drag, in the future he will drag a bloody corpse away and she drug that damn thing all ovah hell and back!

Squirrels are totally annoying. Had one chew/gnaw/whatever its way into my toolshed to set up for winter. Made a mess of everything.

There were these squirrels on campus when I was in undergrad that liked to throw stuff at people.

Smaller dogs (daschunds, terriers) were bred to take care of vermin. Small, fast, agile dogs.

I'm kinda (sorta, not really though) surprised that lots of people don't have airguns to take care of vermin (and recreation).

Glad the little fella got taken care of, hope the property damage (and exterminator's fee) wasn't too bad.

Dachshunds were actually invented to hunt badgers, so it kind of makes sense that the animal control guy had one. Sneaky, devious little dogs. My sister has one, and he's always finding a way into the butter.

Jesus Christ, I'd forgotten about this--from that Wikipedia link:

Dachshunds have traditionally been viewed as a symbol of Germany, despite their pan-European heritage. During World War I the animals fell so far out of favor in England and the United States that dachshunds were stoned to death on the street [2]. Many Americans began referring to Dachshunds as "liberty pups", and political cartoonists commonly used the image of the Dachshund to ridicule Germany.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--we are long overdue for a malevolent alien invasion.

Liberty pups! LIBERTY PUPS!

When dude comes back Friday, I'm telling him all about liberty pups. Dude has already seen the inside of several of our closets, so it's not like I have to pretend I'm sane anymore.

(Oh, and if you wondered well I knew I spelled dachshund incorrectly -- that was a liberty spelling, you panzer-loving fascists.)

This is a good thread.

My sister (who as an animal lover ranks up there with Clare of Assisi) had an old cat, Felix Dzerzhinsky, who developed a taste for squirrel that exceeded his stealth, speed and slyness. This developed into an ongoing Roadrunner cartoon with Felix as the Coyote.

Finally, Felix got his squirrel and brought his trophy into the house to play with. Comedy had turned to tragedy. My sister immediately got Felix a flashing LED ornament for his collar. The squirrels weren't impressed, since they already knew Felix quite well and had no difficulty knowing when he was laying for them (and making a hell of a racket by way of an Early Warning System.) Things continued as before until Felix nailed another one.

My sister now began planning more safety measures. The underlying problem was the four bird feeders, but the birds were going to be fed regardless, by God. So the bird feeders got moved a little and hogwire fences went up around the areas where the seed fell to the ground to create cat-free zones.

The big problem (from a security standpoint) was the ornamental cherry tree (two bird feeders) could only be reached from the big fir tree (three bird feeders including the suet rack for which she made her own suet cakes according to season) by crossing the deck, which Felix had turned into a killing ground.

So my sister goes to the harbor and gets an old 1 1/2" hawser. The plan is to string it from the cherry tree to the big fir tree and thence to the woods to make a squirrel aerial superhighway running about a hundred feet over all.

Before this major engineering project could get underway (which would involve yours truely climbing to dizzying heights to run additional suspension ropes not unlike the Golden Gate bridge), Felix had a decline in his health and settled into secescent old age, thereby leaving the squirrels in peace and triumphant possession of the battlefield.

I like your sister, warbaby. The animal-loving saints are my favorites.

i heard squirrels eat dogs.