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29 November 2005

What the hell? Some blokes have taken away the stairs to my second floor apartment! [More:]I'm just about to walk out the front door to go to work. Great. *cues spybreak, invokes monkey style kung fu*
Elaboration, please.
posted by Frisbee Girl 29 November | 15:37
I bet your employer has never heard excuse before.
posted by danostuporstar 29 November | 15:38
I have no idea. I haven't gone out there yet. I see a ladder, so I could probably use that rather than leaping to my doom, but I'm rather confused.

I heard a bunch of banging and stuff, and I know the four-plex was recently sold to new owners so they've been doing some work on the place... but what the hell? The stairs? Without any warning? I mean, I'm still perfectly capable of scrabbling down one story, sans stairs, but I'd rather not have to do it in work clothes lugging a 50 pound laptop backpack.

This better not be the start to a Douglas Adams-esque sort of day. I'll post about it from work if I get the chance.

Beware of the leopard.
posted by loquacious 29 November | 15:41
Yeah, seriously.

"Uh, hello? I... might be a little late. In fact, I might not even make it in at all. Well... You're not going to believe this, but my stairs have gone missing. Yeah. No stairs. Some dudes just came and took them. No, I have no idea why. There just gone."
posted by loquacious 29 November | 15:43
Loq, are you by any chance a Scorpio? Because if so, today the stars apparantly are aligned for us to enjoy some domestic drama (see above).
posted by melissa may 29 November | 15:48
Loq,

Were they dudes or blokes? Because if they were blokes they took the staircase because "you didn't pay your stairway license fee, innit?" If they were dudes it was because "Look I don't know why they want us to takes these fuckin' things away bro, ask your landlord, I just haul 'em."


Actually I suspect that it was because a landlord is never happy unless they do exactly the one fucking crazy and inconvenient thing that you were not expecting. Seriously it's in the mortgage agreement, "Are you prepared to install a jacuzzi on the roof at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve and will you promise to hire contractors that speak no known human language and have a fetish that involves leering and gesturing at the specific women who live in your four unit dwelling while wearing the dirtiest and most illfitting mutant bentdick junk outlining tracksuit pants ever, neck tattoos of Woody Woodpecker having rough sex with Armand Assante are encouraged but not neccessary to satisfy the terms of this contract. Check Yes or No."
posted by Divine_Wino 29 November | 16:06
*applause*
posted by jonmc 29 November | 16:10
Lissen pal, my mutant bentdick junk outlining tracksuit pants fit like a glove; I dunno whatcha tawkin' about.
posted by Hugh Janus 29 November | 16:20
That's the problem Romeo, get an apron or get the fuck off my roof. I'm not your urologist or the friends and family you brought as a support audience on graduation night from the Learning Annex Male Erotic Dance course, cover that shit up or I'm calling La Migra.

posted by Divine_Wino 29 November | 16:28
well, at least you know his religion now.
posted by jonmc 29 November | 16:31
You jus' jealous 'cause you ain't got a mutant bentdick, fucko. Why'n'cha come cover it up yasself, Jack!
posted by Hugh Janus 29 November | 16:33
big deal, bent dick, ya mamaluke. I can split my pee-stream at will. My friends call me Yella Moses.
posted by jonmc 29 November | 16:35
Hey! Where do these stairs go?

They go up.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 29 November | 16:37
"Golden bath."
posted by Hugh Janus 29 November | 16:38
Is the one where they make the wang look like a bearclaw Zorastrianism? *shudders*


Hey, Zoltan, seriously now, have you heard of Homeland Security? Get off the roof or I'm gonna have you in a shipping container being hauled off to Syria to get that thing straightened out for you faster than you can say "shoe bomb."
posted by Divine_Wino 29 November | 16:39
"Golden Handiwipe"
posted by Divine_Wino 29 November | 16:40
I actually used to know a dude named Zoltan, back at that weidass bakery theme park where my outlook on the universe was spawned. He was from Hungary. He didn't have the tight pants, but he did have an ill-concieved mustache and too much male jewelery. Later on, me and the mrs. got locked in a mall after hours and couldn't get out. My man was working construction after hours.

Zoltan saved my ass.
posted by jonmc 29 November | 16:45
me and the mrs. got locked in a mall

May I freely assume that there was no opportunity to indulge in the life long fantasy of pretty much every person I know and simply wild out in the mall like a pair of drunken weasels on a adderol bender? Like you were locked in the Lane Bryant or Chess King store specifically and so the only other alternative was suicide?
posted by Divine_Wino 29 November | 16:51
I SHAKE YOU! I SHAKE YOU HEAD, GET IT? You unnastan'? Now gettahellOUTAHEAH YOU!

Mattafackah.

Yeah, I remembuh you, ya skinny kid. I'll shake you too, you don' watchit. Helluva guy, nice kid. You take care a yerself.

Here, have a SONOFABITCH! Who the FUCK?
posted by Hugh Janus 29 November | 16:51
we had eaten dinner in the Ruby Tuesdays and stayed too late and left through the wrong door. Sadly all the individual stores had steel security grates and shutters down, so the live action 80's musical interlude was out, not to mention it was weird seeing the grates and shutters in a mall, it was like an East Village street scene indoors, minus the junkies and pigeon shit.
posted by jonmc 29 November | 16:53
So now that we've solved loqs' mystery, let's digress a bit, what say?
posted by Divine_Wino 29 November | 16:55
Okay.

I was talking about soup before lunch today in my cube, just listing different soups, trying to drive the guy in the cube next to me crazy, right? Split pea, minestrone, butternut squash, chicken noodle; hell, turkey noodle. Bean with bacon, you know? So this guy says, [Hugh], would you stop talking about soup? You're driving me crazy here. So I go across to get a sandwich for lunch, and when I come back, he's grinning and hanging up his phone -- says to me, I just called my mom, who lives in New Jersey a couple towns away. She's making soup for me right now, and my wife's gonna stop and pick it up on her way home tonight, and I'm gonna have mom's home-cooked soup for dinner. Did you have a nice lunch?

Smug fuck.
posted by Hugh Janus 29 November | 17:02
I would kill him with my fists, it's the only realistic solution.
posted by Divine_Wino 29 November | 17:05
Of course, the soup his mom's making sounds a lot like sancocho, which I've never liked. But that's just sour grapes. I wonder what kind of soup my mom's making right now, doubtless to just give away to strangers or cast upon the ground. Oh, cursèd fate!
posted by Hugh Janus 29 November | 17:08
I once opened the door of my apartment to find my doorway sealed up with thick black plastic sheeting. I closed the door, rang my boss to say I might be a bit late, opened the door half an hour later to find no sign of the sheeting or workmen. Weird.
posted by dodgygeezer 29 November | 17:12
First came darkness, then came the strangers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 29 November | 17:35
1) shimmy down to ground.
2) arrange self in splayed, face down position.
3) groan loudly at passersby.
4) PROFIT!!!!
posted by quonsar 29 November | 18:03
Holy shit! I am laughing my ass off. Do quonsar's idea!
posted by Quartermass 29 November | 18:09

Hey! Where do these stairs go?

They go up.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 29 November | 16:37


i know where this comes from, and i'm very proud of that.
that is all.
posted by sam 29 November | 18:11
PROFIT!!!!


There are potential stair/landlord profits AND ladder profits to be had here! Maybe even the 50 lb notebook backpack could be worked in!

(am also laughing ass off)
posted by mihail 29 November | 18:41
ZOOOOOOOLTAN!
/shatner
posted by sam 29 November | 19:58
Update: Mukluks!

A ladder was used. Had to shimmy over precarious and unattached stair rail leaning against the balcony to get to the small landing and then the ladder.

Ran to bus stop. Bus was vastly late. Shortly after getting on the bus an urban outdoorsman boarded carrying 3 or 4 dirty, unrolled and loose sleeping bags. Which he proceeded to drag over everyone on both sides of the bus.

I get off the bus at my transfer point, and just as I step off all I see is some dude tackling another dude into the dirt and bushes and starting some kind of brawl. I think the dude doing the tackling might have been screaming something like "THAT'S MY FUCKING BIKE YOU THIEF!" But as far as I can tell the dude that got tackled didn't have a bike, he had a skateboard, a backpack and a bedroll.

Due to the first bus being late, I missed my transfer. Luckily I was able to eventually get ahold of my boss.

Oh, and now we've got a failing hard drive in the disk image server making weepy noises. Heh, now a critical 3rd party remote server just died.

Yeah, uh, I'm a scorpio. A triple scorpio or some shit. Why do you ask?

*watches for falling meteors or blue-sky lightning*
posted by loquacious 29 November | 20:19
This thread epitomizes why I miss you guys. ;)

Ok...back to the mind bending workload that is my reality...but I just wanted to pop in long enough to say thanks for cheering me up. No matter how weird my day has been...and it's been weird...see Scorpio horrorscope above...it's never been as weird as my stairs going missing.

So, I've got that going for me. ;)
posted by PsychoKitty 29 November | 20:58
just started on the radio if anyone fancies a listen || Holy balls

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