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29 November 2005
What the hell? Some blokes have taken away the stairs to my second floor apartment! →[More:]I'm just about to walk out the front door to go to work. Great. *cues spybreak, invokes monkey style kung fu*
I have no idea. I haven't gone out there yet. I see a ladder, so I could probably use that rather than leaping to my doom, but I'm rather confused.
I heard a bunch of banging and stuff, and I know the four-plex was recently sold to new owners so they've been doing some work on the place... but what the hell? The stairs? Without any warning? I mean, I'm still perfectly capable of scrabbling down one story, sans stairs, but I'd rather not have to do it in work clothes lugging a 50 pound laptop backpack.
This better not be the start to a Douglas Adams-esque sort of day. I'll post about it from work if I get the chance.
"Uh, hello? I... might be a little late. In fact, I might not even make it in at all. Well... You're not going to believe this, but my stairs have gone missing. Yeah. No stairs. Some dudes just came and took them. No, I have no idea why. There just gone."
Were they dudes or blokes? Because if they were blokes they took the staircase because "you didn't pay your stairway license fee, innit?" If they were dudes it was because "Look I don't know why they want us to takes these fuckin' things away bro, ask your landlord, I just haul 'em."
Actually I suspect that it was because a landlord is never happy unless they do exactly the one fucking crazy and inconvenient thing that you were not expecting. Seriously it's in the mortgage agreement, "Are you prepared to install a jacuzzi on the roof at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve and will you promise to hire contractors that speak no known human language and have a fetish that involves leering and gesturing at the specific women who live in your four unit dwelling while wearing the dirtiest and most illfitting mutant bentdick junk outlining tracksuit pants ever, neck tattoos of Woody Woodpecker having rough sex with Armand Assante are encouraged but not neccessary to satisfy the terms of this contract. Check Yes or No."
That's the problem Romeo, get an apron or get the fuck off my roof. I'm not your urologist or the friends and family you brought as a support audience on graduation night from the Learning Annex Male Erotic Dance course, cover that shit up or I'm calling La Migra.
Is the one where they make the wang look like a bearclaw Zorastrianism? *shudders*
Hey, Zoltan, seriously now, have you heard of Homeland Security? Get off the roof or I'm gonna have you in a shipping container being hauled off to Syria to get that thing straightened out for you faster than you can say "shoe bomb."
I actually used to know a dude named Zoltan, back at that weidass bakery theme park where my outlook on the universe was spawned. He was from Hungary. He didn't have the tight pants, but he did have an ill-concieved mustache and too much male jewelery. Later on, me and the mrs. got locked in a mall after hours and couldn't get out. My man was working construction after hours.
May I freely assume that there was no opportunity to indulge in the life long fantasy of pretty much every person I know and simply wild out in the mall like a pair of drunken weasels on a adderol bender? Like you were locked in the Lane Bryant or Chess King store specifically and so the only other alternative was suicide?
we had eaten dinner in the Ruby Tuesdays and stayed too late and left through the wrong door. Sadly all the individual stores had steel security grates and shutters down, so the live action 80's musical interlude was out, not to mention it was weird seeing the grates and shutters in a mall, it was like an East Village street scene indoors, minus the junkies and pigeon shit.
I was talking about soup before lunch today in my cube, just listing different soups, trying to drive the guy in the cube next to me crazy, right? Split pea, minestrone, butternut squash, chicken noodle; hell, turkey noodle. Bean with bacon, you know? So this guy says, [Hugh], would you stop talking about soup? You're driving me crazy here. So I go across to get a sandwich for lunch, and when I come back, he's grinning and hanging up his phone -- says to me, I just called my mom, who lives in New Jersey a couple towns away. She's making soup for me right now, and my wife's gonna stop and pick it up on her way home tonight, and I'm gonna have mom's home-cooked soup for dinner. Did you have a nice lunch?
Of course, the soup his mom's making sounds a lot like sancocho, which I've never liked. But that's just sour grapes. I wonder what kind of soup my mom's making right now, doubtless to just give away to strangers or cast upon the ground. Oh, cursèd fate!
I once opened the door of my apartment to find my doorway sealed up with thick black plastic sheeting. I closed the door, rang my boss to say I might be a bit late, opened the door half an hour later to find no sign of the sheeting or workmen. Weird.
A ladder was used. Had to shimmy over precarious and unattached stair rail leaning against the balcony to get to the small landing and then the ladder.
Ran to bus stop. Bus was vastly late. Shortly after getting on the bus an urban outdoorsman boarded carrying 3 or 4 dirty, unrolled and loose sleeping bags. Which he proceeded to drag over everyone on both sides of the bus.
I get off the bus at my transfer point, and just as I step off all I see is some dude tackling another dude into the dirt and bushes and starting some kind of brawl. I think the dude doing the tackling might have been screaming something like "THAT'S MY FUCKING BIKE YOU THIEF!" But as far as I can tell the dude that got tackled didn't have a bike, he had a skateboard, a backpack and a bedroll.
Due to the first bus being late, I missed my transfer. Luckily I was able to eventually get ahold of my boss.
Oh, and now we've got a failing hard drive in the disk image server making weepy noises. Heh, now a critical 3rd party remote server just died.
Yeah, uh, I'm a scorpio. A triple scorpio or some shit. Why do you ask?
*watches for falling meteors or blue-sky lightning*
Ok...back to the mind bending workload that is my reality...but I just wanted to pop in long enough to say thanks for cheering me up. No matter how weird my day has been...and it's been weird...see Scorpio horrorscope above...it's never been as weird as my stairs going missing.
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
