MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and
chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.
07 November 2005
This is me: I am sad. I took one of my dogs to the humane society today. I'm drunk and hurting. I tried and tried and tried; he had brain damage and I couldn't make him into an okay dog.
Do you know what makes it worse? What makes it worse is that this blind dog blog I started writing back 6 months ago when I thought I would rescue this dog I found on my birthday, two weeks after my 15 year old dog died, back when I thought I could save this dog: somehow that fucking abandoned blog must have gotten some press, because when I came home from the humane society there were two emails from people wanting help with blind hounds which there have never, ever been before, and well, I have no help now, do I?
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that mygothlaundry... ugh.
I don't know what to say except to offer a hug. At least you gave it a go... I'm really not sure I'd be brave enough to even attempt to raise a special-needs animal.
Oh, mygothlaundry, I'm so, so sorry. I'll echo boringpostcards here because all I can really offer is my sympathy and a virtual hug. Please don't beat yourself up over this.
Thanks y'all. It's been a miserable, miserable day. I know I made the right decision, at least I know it somewhere, but jesus god almighty. I feel like Hitler or something; I took a perfectly healthy, if completely insane, blind dog away to die. Or that's one version. It was a hard, hard choice, and I tried so hard to find another home for him, but who wants a year old blind coonhound? Noone, and there are so many sane, beautiful dogs who end up there.
I stood there in the little Buncombe County North Carolina humane society and they had a chalkboard up and there were 775 animals surrendered to them in October alone. There were 8000 last year, and 2500 of those found owners, and the rest? Well, they're landfill. Multiply that by everywhere else in the US and it's just so horrible, I can't even find words, I'm just so fucking heartbroken. I never, ever thought I would give away a dog. I was afraid to post any of this because I thought y'all would be mad at me, I'm mad at myself, but I tried so damn hard with this dog, and lately he had had these obsessive/compulsive fits for days at a time - it's been a long hard road.
Aw, mgl, I read your entry this morning and cried. Been in a very similar place and there's simply no easy way out of it. None whatsoever. Much love and and hugs and peaceful, healing thoughts, lady.
Not only did you do your best, and as you said, far *FAR* more than most would do, you made this decision with a heart full of compassion after much soul searching and no one can ask for more than that.
What you did was you gave that dog a chance. You gave him a year that he might not otherwise have had. You did all that you could do, and more than a lot of people would even have attempted.
You're gonna feel like shit for awhile, but you cannot lose sight of the good that you attempted and accomplished. Be good to yourself.
Mygothlaundry, you did good. You did right by him. You did more than anyone else had done or would have done. And the fact that you're kicking yourself for not doing more proves what a good person you are.
Hey, I know how hard you worked with that dog. You tried everything, and were very tolerant and patient. You gave him the best chance that anyone could give, and that's a great thing to do right there. It's a very hard conclusion to come to, but you did the right thing. Of course, saying that means little in comparison to the loss and hurt you're feeling right now... and those are totally natural emotions. I clink my PBR (inspired by you, btw) on the monitor for you, and know that in your sorrow you are making room for ever more good you deserve in your life from your vigilance and determination with Jackson. Peace...
Aw, honey, I don't even know you but I feel so badly for you. Please know that the dog and the universe and everyone who matters knows that you did everything you could despite the odds, and that you're a deeply kind and giving person for taking on the challenge in the first place. You must have a majorly huge heart. May your efforts be rewarded in some way (karma has the uncanny knack of unexpectedly blessing those who give of themselves), and when you do receive that sometimes barely-audible whisper of reward, may you know in your heart that the dog loves you as much as you love him for doing what you had to do.
mgl, I can't say anything except that we're all here for you, and you're getting the biggest meta-hug in the universe from us right now. We decided not to put my oldest kitty down when he was very ill, and he suffered too much for the selfish reason that we couldn't bear to part with him. Yours is the harder and more courageous path.
((((((((mgl)))))))) Not doing anything would have been just cause for feeling shitty, not this.
My SO's been in the vet business for almost 30 years and has brought home many a creature (3 of our 4 hairy beasts are rescues). Ya just can't save 'em all, and in the end it's humans that won't spay and neuter that propogate the problem. Not that any of that will soothe you at this hour. Be good to yourself, so your heart will eventually be ready for another 4 legger.
Mgl, I'm coming late to this thread, but since dealing with troubled dogs is my line of work, I have some thoughts to offer.
If that poor dog was having obsessive-compulsive fits, he wasn't healthy. OCD is an organic brain disorder, one that you did nothing to cause, and one that was well beyond your power to fix.
When good owners are faced with a dog that they just can't make better, they feel deeply guilty. When we take a dog in, we become responsible for his well-being. Usually, that means loving him, giving him a bit of training and a warm place to sleep and taking him to the vet once a year. Some of us aren't so lucky, and the choices we have to make in our dogs' best interests aren't as easy or pleasant. I'm so sorry that this was the case for you.
You deserve a healthy, non-aggressive dog as much as some dog out there deserves you. The selfish decision, in your case, would be to keep your poor, tormented coonhound not because you should, but to spare yourself the pain of making a very sad decision. You probably don't feel like it now, but I hope that, in time, you come to understand that you did what was best for both of you.
You know, my job involves a lot of driving around each day, and I see an unsettling number of dead animals on the roadways all the time. I also see animals roaming around looking for food that they're obviously not given at home (if they even have one). The fact that you tried your best to give this dog a home, then turned him over to others once you realized you couldn't, is commendable. Hang in there, mgl... it'll get better.
Thanks everyone. I really really appreciate everybody's kindness and support and freshwater_pr0n, what you said made me feel so much better, because it's what I was feeling, that there was something really wrong with the dog's brain, and hearing you articulate that makes me feel that I definitely did the right thing, that he wasn't really healthy, and that he was going to get worse. I know I did the right thing, but whoa, it was not the easy thing.
It's been a tough day, what with the hangover and the semi empty house and all, but it's also been an amazingly quiet day and I took the trash can down off the file cabinet and put throw pillows back on the couch and thought, wow, I can live like a normal person again. Thanks again for everybody's sweetness and thoughtfulness and apologies for the crazed PWI of it all but sometimes you just gotta go out and drink waaaaaaaay too much beer.
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
