Just had someone who refused to make a credit card payment using an automated service but was happy to give me details to process the card. I asked her why and she said "I don't trust the machines" to which I really wanted to answer "Why? Are you concerned that they will use your credit card details to purchase additional components to create an awesome super-mega-destructo-zord which will take over the north of England and declare itself supreme ruler of all domestic appliances?" Instead I just went "Okay, sure. That's great..."

Anyone else want's to bitch about monkeys or something then hit me with it - make me laugh or I will post my awesome new idea for an office game (better than "The Offical Samuel L Jackson's Mortgage Payment Name Game")

(better than "The Offical Samuel L Jackson's Mortgage Payment Name Game")

Oh you tease. Tell!

Ha, ha, ha... You unlucky customer support people. I've recently managed to finagle myself out of technical support and back into the creative fun bucket that is development. I've not been so chilled for ages.

Of course, I still have to answer those questions which are too hard for everyone else.

Them: "My windows are not working."
Me: Oooo Kay.

My favourite Tech Support thing is "introducing the right mouse button is hazardous to the health".

Me: Click This.
User: Ok.
Me: Click That.
User: Ok.
Me: Ok - click the start Button
User: OK
Me: Now Right Click "My Computer"
User: Ermmm, OK
Me, Now click properties
User (For now and forever more): Do you want me to right click or left click.
Me: Left. Unless I say otherwise, always left-click.
Me: Now Click the Performance Tab
User: Left Click or Right Click.
Me: Argghhhhh.

If only, if only, if only, I could perfect a Mumbai accent as I answer the phone yet again to offer clues to the clueless.

Well, you did appear to enjoy the last game iconomy. This one's a work in progress but this ones catchy name is "The Official Movie Spoiler/Synopsis in 5 Short Lines Game". See the following example -

Jurrasic Park
"I really like dinosaurs!"
"OMG! Dinosaurs!"
"Nature doesn't like it when you mess with her"
"Shit, T.Rex ate the lawyer!"
"Phew, escaped that island at last. I like dinosaurs still, but they're scary"

My best tech support style query EVAR follows -
Someone phoned wanting their internet password reset.
Simple enough
or so you'd think...
I reset the password and advised them they'd need to use "lower case" letters.
The customer responded by saying "'lower case?' what's that?"
So of course I try and explain that as long as they dont have CAPS LOCK on their keyboard on they should be fine. It goes something like this -
Me "The password needs to be entered in lower case"
Customer "What's lower case?"
Me "You know how when you write things, you have big letters and little letters? It means the little ones. Look, just make sure you aren't using CAPS LOCK"
Customer "My keyboard doesn't have a CAPS LOCK button"
Me "Yes it does - between Tab and Shift"
Customer "Nah, I'm certain it doesn't"
Me "Okay then, fine. But just use little letters, okay?"
Customer "My keyboard only has big letters on it"
Me (puts customer on silent) "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE SERIOUS? HAHAHAHAHAHA!YOU BIG FUCKING IDIOT!"
Me (putting customer back on loud) "Well it looks like you are going to have to go to PC World and get another keyboard - you'll need to ask them for one with the small keys on..."
Customer "Oh right, thanks very much!"
(Customer hangs up)

That's cool, longbaugh. Sorta like those 'one minute books'.

I had a good one a few weeks ago.

I'd setup a web front end to our e-mail server and gave it a nice url of email.company.co.uk. One of our users was having problems with it and the call went like this:

Me: First open Internet Explorer
Her: That's the blue E right?
Me: Yes
Her: OK
Me: Now you need to go to the following address: email.company.co.uk
Her: OK
Me: In a second it should ask you to login
Her: No, I'm seeing the intranet
Me: Strange. Did you type in email.company.co.uk?
Her: Yes I did
Me: Could you read what it says in the address bar?
Her: email.company.co.uk
[a little bit more of this to-ing and fro-ing]
Me: Uh, after you type the address are you pressing enter?
Her: No. Should I?
Me: I think that would be best.

Another good one I saw years ago was a woman who'd got a new PC who had complained her mouse wasn't working. I went down with a spare mouse and asked her to show me what was happening. She then picks up the mouse and moves it around - about six inches above her desk. "Er no, you actually have to move it on the desk."

dodgygeezer, I was presenting a new application at a medical conference, and a doctor came up and started hitting keys at random. I said "you need to use the mouse" and pointed at it. He picked it up and held it in his hand like a remote control, pointed it at the screen and started clicking with his thumb. I started to explain how to use a mouse and he walked away, having never said a word.

I hope I never come down with what he specializes in.

Often I think being a lawyer isn't that much different from being in tech support. Our clients have problems, and they call us. Except instead of their computer being broken, it's their contract, lawsuit, negotiation, &c. Unfortunately, I can't tell any specific stories because of attorney-client privilege, but maybe I can offer some archetypes. For example, there's the client that calls the day before a deadline.

Client: "Oh, I got served with this lawsuit, and I need some advice on how to handle it. [Describes lawsuit.]"

Me: "I think we might be able to help with that. When were you served?"

Client: "About nineteen days ago."

Me: "So, your deadline for a response is ... tomorrow. Hmmm."

Other favorites: wants-to-do-something-clearly-illegal guy, won't-listen-to-our-explanation-of-the-law guy, and doesn't-really-want-to-pay guy.

I used to have a coworker that didn't understand that you could close windows. So she'd complain about her computer being slow, and I'd go over there and discover maybe 40 emails open on her desktop.

One sign I've noticed of people who feel overwhelmed or intimidated by computers is something I call "cursor panic". It's when you trace large, fast circles with the mouse cursor when you're trying to figure out where a button on the GUI is. Drives me nuts.

Yesterday (there's at least one a day), guy calls up and says his computer's not working. This is good, because we do repair (and just about everything else, including programming, which is what I do).

Me: Ok. Just bring in the computer. That's all we need. Just the computer.

Him: Should I bring in the monitor?

Me: No, just the box.

Him: The box it came in?

Me: (trying very hard not to deliver the punchline "Yes, with the computer in it. We'll ship it back to the manufacturer because you are too stupid to own a computer." -- the punchline of a very old support joke) No, just the computer. We have everything else.

Him: That's the thing the monitor sits on?

Me: Yup. That's the computer.

This is the second time we had somebody want to bring just the monitor in because that was where they saw the computer wasn't working.

There's one every day.

I worked as a TSR for an isp in Michigan... Worst call ever: A 3.5 hour (1.5 hours over my shift) TTY relay call , the woman had MS, lived out in the middle of BFE, using WinME, trying to connect with an internal "lucent winmodem" ...grrrr... come to find out the woman wasn't even paying for her account.

One of the most trying experiences I've ever had... taught me a great bit of patience sprinkled with misanthropy.