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10 October 2005

Bored at work? A new game to play... Right now I'm bored to tears so I am playing an email game with myself and some colleagues involving the hallowed Samuel L Jackson and his incessant mortgage payment movies (Snakes On A Plane, Deep Blue Sea etc).

Your mission (should you decide to accept it) is to come up with a Title, tagline and a brief outline of a story for Samuel L Jackson to take part in whilst remaining one of the coolest cats in today's Hollywood lineup.
Example #1 - "Hole In One"
Tagline - "He's the only one with the 'fore'sight to catch a killer"
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson is a psychic golfing detective sent to St Andrews to prevent a serial killer from murdering his way in a rip-roaring 18 hole adventure.

Example #2 - "Sub-Par"
Tagline - "One man, one set of clubs, one crazy heap of trouble!"
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson is a underwater golfing champion sent to win the world underwater pro-am tour. Little does he know that this year danger will be in the air (supply).
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 09:40
"My Little Pony: The Rainbow Apocolypse"
tagline: It's no longer about Black vs White.
Storyline: An evil witch is stealing all the colour from the My Little Pony Universe. It's up to Samuel L Jackson (playing himself) and the cute but clumsy "Sundance" to save the day, and maybe, if there's time, to sing a song or two.
posted by seanyboy 10 October | 10:12
Ezekiel 2517
Plot: In the year 2517, The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men, and deadly cyborgs! Only one man, Ezekiel, can sheperd the weak.
Tagline: Vengeance is mine, muthafuckas!
posted by jrossi4r 10 October | 10:21
"All Change!"
Tagline - "He's saving and he's shaving and soon he'll be the woman of your dreams..."
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson is a transexual golf-playing bus conductor saving up to become a woman in this charming tale that will enchant kids of all ages (PG : Warning - may contain scenes of extreme genital mutilation).
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 10:24
"Planes on a Snake!"
Tagline - Even the smallest man can make the biggest difference.
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson is a carpenter shrunk to a tiny size by voodoo magic. He builds a wood-frame cabin on the back of a spitting cobra and starts a shelter for wayward flea circus clowns. Also staring Jennifer Love Hewitt.
posted by selfnoise 10 October | 10:34
In the not too distant future... where money is the only law, and force is the only justice, ONE MAN will try to bring back the true meaning of the holiday season. Coming in December 2005, Samuel L Jackson in Yule Be Sorry.
posted by Capn 10 October | 10:39
Well, damn, I would definitely go see "The Rainbow Apocolypse".
posted by taz 10 October | 10:40
"The Fast Food/Time Traveler Chronicles"
Tagline - "Would You Like Fries With That Tear In The Fabric of the Space/Time Continuum, Motherfucker?"
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson is Shadrack Mishak, an assassin from the future who is sent back in time to both eliminate the leader of a terrorist group threatening to blow up The Pentagon and, more importantly, to find out the secret recipe of the special sauce used in a McDonald's Big Mac. He must work undercover at the local fast food eatery while trying to infiltrate the terrorist organization.
posted by iconomy 10 October | 10:45
"The Catburglar"
Tagline - "When pussy is involved he'll be in and out in a jiffy."
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson plays a golfing burglar with a heart of gold and his eye on the star prize, a 24 carat bejewelled necklace. Little does he know that it's a deadly trap set by his archnemesis!
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 10:47
Plesiosaur vs. Ferguson

Sam Jackson battles a prehistoric sea monster--in court!

Tagline: Now that's a dead loch.
posted by jrossi4r 10 October | 11:41
"The Legend of Baghdad Vance"
Tagline - It's thrills and spills a plenty in this charming mix of The A Team and The Legend Of Bagger Vance.
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson is a USMC Captain who is sent to Guantanamo Bay to interrogate prisoners. When he discovers a young golfing genius he and his protege plot to escape to take part in a series of golf matches whilst dodging the military police sent to get them back.
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 11:47
Title: "Geordie, Knight Rider"

Samuel L Jackson is Geordie Pavlov Magner, a Czechoslovakian police officer who thinks he's a knight of the round table after receiving a heavy blow to the head. In full armor, Geordie makes the streets of Prague a nightmare for thugs and criminals as he metes justice with his trusty lance and his mace.

Tagline: The Czech Is In The Mail. The Chain Mail.
posted by iconomy 10 October | 12:10
I'm loving that one iconomy.

"Kalashnikov & Son"
Tagline - Dance Motherfucker, Dance!
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson plays an ex-speztnaz ballet dancer whose wife is murdered during the final moments of swan lake. He and his son (Damon Wayans) set out on a balletic spree of vengeance as they try and kill every motherfucker in the room.
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 12:15
"The Chronicles."
Tagline: I'll rip you a new one.
Samuel L Jackson plays a cop who goes deep undercover in this chilling tale of murder and internet pornography. Also starring Ashton Kutcher as his plucky but ultimately unlucky sidekick.
posted by seanyboy 10 October | 12:33
Sorry. That should be "troubled cop".
posted by seanyboy 10 October | 12:34
Tagline: "Do they speak English there?"
Plot: Tarantino directs and Jackson stars as an editor pushed over the edge by the ever increasing amount America's so-called literate population spelling "whoa" as "woah" and takes matters into his own hands. Co-starring Keanu Reeves.
posted by WolfDaddy 10 October | 13:00
"Lokken Load"
Tagline - "They took his truck and thought he didn't have the balls to take it back. They were wrong. DEAD wrong."
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson stars as Todd Locken, a golf-playing, truck-driving son-of-a-gun. When a load of Nike golf balls are stolen during a sleepover at a truck stop he vows nothing will stop him until he has made good on his delivery.
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 13:36
"The 51st Grapefruit"
Tagline - "Here's your motherfucking breakfast bitch!"

Jackson stars as Dr Patrick McGonagle, a professor of fruit who has developed a grapefruit 51 times bitterer than any normal grapefruit. Knowing this could end his delicious fruit monopoly, The Man from Del Monte tries to get McGonagle wiped out but finds he's no ordinary motherfuckin' fruit farmer. Also stars Sean Pertwee and therefore guaranteed to be unmitigated shite.
posted by dodgygeezer 10 October | 14:04
God these are hysterical.
posted by iconomy 10 October | 14:16
This is definitely one of my favorite threads of all time.
posted by Specklet 10 October | 14:22
Scorpions on a Bus

Can Samuel L. Jackson save the 80's rock legends when their tour bus is hijacked by a desperate and confused Sandra Bullock?

This film will rock you like a FEMA-botched hurricane!
posted by jrossi4r 10 October | 14:31
"Titanic II : Adventures in Time"
Tagline - "As the ship goes down, he REALLY gets down".
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson stars as professional golfer and time traveller Dr Reginald Meredith who accidentally arrives in 1912 on board the Titanic in time to entertain the guests with renditions of James Brown funk classics. As the clock ticks down to impact with an iceberg, can Jackson turn the "tide" of history and save them all from a death worse than death. With it's "chilling" climax it'll have you "frozen" to your seat!!!
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 14:43
I think there is an excellent chance that one of these will actually get made.
posted by jrossi4r 10 October | 14:53
"Brakes On A Crane!"
Tagline - "Look the fuck out! No, up HERE!"
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson plays blue collar Mitch Mitchelson who by day is a semi-pro golfer and by night works the late shift on the docks. All is fine in Mitch's life until an out of control crane nearly destroys a local children's hospice. Can Mitch act in time to save the poor little orphans?

"Steaks On The Brain"
Tagline - "He has to turn to vegetarianism before he 'meats' his maker!"
Storyline - Samuel L Jackson plays Dr Lucian Catstabber, an overweight genius with a chemistry set and a golf club who is trying to give up meat before his heart gives out. Will he make the grade and give up the pork?
posted by longbaugh 10 October | 16:27
Sheikhs on a Plane!
Tagline - Guard your booty!
Storyline - Environmentalists have finally had their way, and oil-based transport is a thing of the past. Three formerly wealthy Sheikhs are in danger of losing control of their people if they don't hijack the plane, and take the shipment of diamonds for themselves. Samuel L. Jackson plays the retired FBI officer who must guard the booty, to free the people.
posted by mosch 10 October | 18:19
"Lakes On A Plain"
Tagline - "Flatter than an ironing board, 530yds, Par 5"
Storyline - A trip across the Great Lakes golf course yields danger for Dominic DeLoincloth, professional golfer and amateur porn star. Will he manage to chip onto the green at 65yds or will Cruella Moundmuncher drive him to distraction?
posted by longbaugh 11 October | 12:33
Bets are on: || The 885 Greatest Albums