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07 March 2015

She would also play victim in front of her friends, and →[More:]they would frequently blame me for not honoring my mother.

I hate motherhood and apple pie.

I have always hated the necessity of having parents. I have always felt it to be smothering and crushing, and there were a lot of misunderstandings and a certain degree of abuse. They were very good parents in a lot of ways, but nothing good they do for you can ever quite make up for the bad; not as long as they insist they were in the right about it.

To make a long story short: They seemed like they were out to crush me if I didn't agree with them or turn out exactly like them. To me, this just seems like society-backed parental narcissism.

And you can never escape them and have a decent life, not if you cannot find real, steady friends, or make enough money to reliably pay the rent. It's ironic because I left at 18 because I had too much principle to let these people whom I hated pay for my college. So now, although I did get a couple of associates degrees, I've (so far) never been able to get and keep a good paying job. (I'm not blaming it all on my parents; I have had health issues making full time work difficult at times.)

I've moved out of my parent's home 3 times, only to have to move back. They have mellowed a lot, and I have a decent life overall, living at home. I pay less than half the rent I would have to pay for a 1-bedroom apartment. But I still can't afford a decent car. I hate myself for staying here, but I would really be kicking myself if I left.

Especially as I read this and sound like I'm in my 20's. But now I'm 53 and they're 85. I understand you can never be truly free from your parents, but I wish I had someone to sort through this with. Not just a therapist. I could be wrong, but it seems like everybody who knows both them and me seems to prefer them. Even my older sister does, nowadays at least. I know I would have to move out anyway if I ever had to take care of them; if it's too close for comfort now, what happens when they're both sick. I would much rather take care of a stranger than my parents. For two cents (OK, $20,000) I would drive out West and be more or less done with this. Tho I know it would be lonely leaving an entire part of the country, that's where I would go for my health, as well as for the adventure.

I have 3 siblings. They all were able to deal with their parents paying for their college. And then they all left town. (No, none of them went west.)

post by: serena at: 10:30 | 5 comments

I understand what you say, serena. I had crappy parents, and I left home at 16. My mother died when I was 20 and my father a year later. I wasn't sad, I was relieved. I was too young to understand that this was a valid emotion to have, and I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't grieve for them. I pretended to, because I didn't know that I was allowed to feel my own feelings.

I don't know what I'd do if they were still living. I think because I got away from them so young, I'd have stayed away.

Life is rarely a choice between something we want and something we don't; it's more complicated than that, there are hundreds of compromises we have to make. So I understand your dilemma - and I hope you can find a path that allows you to have as much as possible of what will make you happy.

posted by Senyar 07 March | 15:03

(((Hugs)))

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 07 March | 19:43

I wish I had someone to sort through this with. Not just a therapist.

I can't tell from this - do you have a therapist?

For two cents (OK, $20,000) I would drive out West and be more or less done with this.

Could you lower the price tag? It doesn't cost much to drive. I understand you'd want to set yourself up somewhere, but you don't need quite that much to move. There are also jobs you could get, even if just transitionally, that include housing and board, especially with the tourist season approaching out there.

posted by Miko 07 March | 21:38

Thanks for listening, Senyar, TPS, Miko and whoever reads this. Yes Miko I have recently started seeing a therapist. The reason I said $20,000 is because my car is getting old. Maybe this summer I can get a couple weeks off from my job and drive to Colorado in 3 days, stay in a hostel for a while, look around, apply to some jobs, and then drive back I guess.

I haven't found much on the web in the way of room and board jobs though. Maybe I don't know where to look. I would probably have to be a desk clerk if it was a touristy job, since I can't be on my feet all day.

I would probably feel too guilty to move out of town except that the different climate could really improve my health and well being. And who could grudge me that.

posted by serena 08 March | 21:24

I haven't found much on the web in the way of room and board jobs though.

Dude ranches, summer camps, outdoor/environmental centers, the NPS sites, or B&Bs and smaller mom and pop hotels are where I'd look for that.

posted by Miko 08 March | 22:18

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