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01 April 2013

Faux Ask Me Can we do another thread of fake AskMe questions, in honour of the day?[More:]

How can one summon the spirits of the dead? Does it help if you already have the bodies of those you want to summon stored away in a meat locker in your basement? Asking for a friend!

Why are there so many stupid blogs out there and what can I do about that?

I think Stomping Tom Connors should be on Canadian currency instead of Queen Elizabeth II. How can I make that happen?

I'm having problems with my relationship. We scream at each other constantly. Leaving this person, getting counselling, having a calm, rational discussion, or changing my behaviour are not options. What should I do?

I'm in a relationship that's making me incredibly happy. My lover and I have constant hot pig sex, sparkling intellectual conversations, and a profound emotional connection. Unfortunately my friends and family won't accept my lover. When I try to bring her to, say, a pub night with friends or a family do, they say it's out of line, that she's not welcome, that it makes them uncomfortable and that they are concerned about my relationship with her. I've tried telling them they should be happy for me and get to know my lover before they judge her, but they won't hear it. How can I help my family and friends to move past their blow-up doll prejudices and see the love of my life as she is?


How does one acquire opposable thumbs? Are implants an option? If so, where would I get thumbs in an appropriate size?
posted by Trilby 01 April | 10:27
I'm looking for tasty kosher vegan no carb high protein high fiber salt free sugar free gluten free free trade snacks that can sit in a slow cooker and can be made a month in advance that my kids will love That WON'T cost me an arm and a leg.
posted by The Whelk 01 April | 10:50
I just pooped, should I eat it? Or should I just get another pizza?
posted by eekacat 01 April | 11:17
Are there can openers designed for cats to use?
posted by Trilby 01 April | 11:35
I have a rash that oozes when you poke it. Click the link. What is it, and how do I get rid of it. Also, should I have washed my hands before coming to work my shift as a dishwasher in a restaurant?
posted by TrishaLynn 01 April | 12:19
Does anyone have tips for surviving summer's heat while dressed in a fur coat? No, taking the fur coat off is not an option.
posted by Trilby 01 April | 12:29
My cat has received more favorites than I have. Should I be worried?
posted by Ardiril 01 April | 13:28
Why is everything in society stacked against White Males?
posted by arse_hat 01 April | 14:12
I want to punch my relatives in the face for making such stupid decisions. How can I make them do what I want? Not entirely fake
posted by Melismata 01 April | 14:28
(LOL The Whelk! :) )
posted by Melismata 01 April | 14:29
if u were in high school and u wanted to kill your parents 4 the insurence how would u do it. this is not a real thing just 4 the lulz ok
posted by arse_hat 01 April | 14:53
How do I force my wife to stay in the kitchen where she belongs?
posted by dg 01 April | 15:00
Is it possible to replace all my floors with swimming pools?
posted by chewatadistance 01 April | 16:02
I am a dentist. For our anniversary, I gave my wife a beautiful necklace made out of the most interesting teeth that I have extracted over the past 5 years. There are 117 teeth on this necklace, some gold, some white, some brown, and all individually hand knotted.

My wife's anticipation turned to shock, which turned to horror, which turned to violent crying. I tried to make it better with some nitrous oxide (each new bottle makes a stop-off at our house before getting installed), but this effort was refused.

She is living with a friend now, and insists that I have individual counseling before she will brook any possibility of reconciliation.

I still do not know what I did wrong. This necklace is beautiful! Should I accept that this was, in her eyes, a spectacularly inappropriate gift, or should I store it away, for when I remarry?
posted by danf 01 April | 17:27
Is it too late to start planning an April Fools joke?
posted by oneswellfoop 01 April | 17:46
Not for next year, and judging the ones I saw today, a lot of people should have used a full year.
posted by Ardiril 01 April | 18:16
Making cents with AdSense || April Goals!

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