1) Allergies are sooo bad right now, I feel like I'm walking around in a coma. A coma that allows you to walk, that is.

2) Looking forward to the long weekend (Victoria Day! WOooo) and will be spending it in Toronto hanging around. Then, next week, I pick up some friends who are returning from a 3 week tour of Europe. They'll look like hell, and smell like beer, I expect.

3) Am now reminded that I MUST remember to send postcards. I have to buy some more. So, forgive my tardiness, please.

richat in a coma, I know, I know, it's really serious.

Victoria Day!

1. Today is my Friday. I'll be spending the weekend in NH. The weather is supposed to be great.

2. I'm getting over a cold. Boo. Nosebleeds and sore throats. =(

3. Whee, motorcycle trip!

1. Have to bake a pan of brownies today
2. Have to bake focaccia today
3. Have to make my daughter her early birthday dinner tonight

1. I like money, but I'm hopeless at invoicing on time for work I do. As a result, I'm overdrawn, and don't need to be. Must sort this out, somehow.

2. All sorts of good ideas about my business at the moment, 1. notwithstanding.

3. HUNGRY. And it's at least 4 hours until dinner. Perhaps I'll go to Thorzdad's house for brownies and foccacia.

Eide: Motorcycle trip eh? There's a giant part of me that longs to buy a re-issued Triumph and finally learn to ride. Then I remember the two young children who kind of depend on me, and I think I should continue to travel the motorways of this world encased in steel and airbags for awhile longer.

1. I'm really ready to have some serious downtime. Unfortunately, that's not really in the cards at the moment, although I'm hoping I can chill some next weekend when I go camping at a music festival with my homie.

2. Still working on developing a plan for what I want my life to be like and things I would like to do. Unfortunately, my desires rapidly outpace my income.

3. Nervous about all the things that are going on. Some of it is good nervousness, but I'm also worried that if I do fall into a depression (as I am prone to when I get frazzled)--everything will fall apart. :-/ I've been trying to be on guard and make sure I get sleep and eat regularly, but I could eat better and exercise more. I've also been trying to get sunlight and use my HappyLight too.

4. I have had to cut ties completely with the woman mentioned here.

5. This makes me very sad, but I can't deal with her any more. Her emails to me (unanswered) continue to be irrational and abusive. I know she's ill but she's sent me a number of emails in the last half hour that are upsetting. This one to me and her sister (who I've never met).

Oh, and how nice and tidy for you. And has anyone thought what it has been like to be me during all this shit. And you people have made my life a fucking nightmare almost ever since. Have you given any thought to what it has been like for me. And here I am today, exhausted. And I just got out of bed. But no, you and all the people I knew on Facebook had to scare me shitless and wouldn’t stop. Oh yes, just congratulate your fucking selves.

Followed within two minutes with this, addressed to me:

Let’s have your answer now. What it is like to be me. Not that you give a damn. After what you all have done.

Followed up immediately with more one-line emails saying "Answer me now" and "Give me your answer". If I didn't know any better I'd think it was some spambot algorithm.

6. Sad sigh ... I know she's ill, but she needs help I can't give her and she's not willing to find it anywhere else. I am in tears here now.

Aw, Senyar, that's really tough. I'm sorry that you (and she) are going through such a lousy time. Man.

1. I'm going on a boat trip/picnic/winery tour tomorrow with my coworkers. I'm looking forward to it. In part because I have every intention of posting "I'm on a boat" as my Facebook status.

2. My brain is still mushy after 2 days full of meetings.

3. I cleaned and cleaned and organized half of my house last weekend. I forgot how nice it is to have a clean house. I just need to finish the other half of the house this weekend.

1. Finishing work soon to spend the afternoon running errands and generally tidying up etc. So then I will work all evening.

2. We are taking the kid to sesame place this weekend (along with 3 other families). It's gonna be a blast. Kid is so excited.

3. Bought myself lilies and freesias today. Place smells great!

(bluesapphires: do you have a nautical-themed pashmina afghan?)

Senyar, it must have been really hard to read those emails. You've done the right thing. She'll eventually realise (I hope) that the things she says are not things that should EVER be said to someone you love.

Senyar, they are rough emails. But the more of them she sends, the most sure you should be that cutting her off was the right thing to do. That's hard, though.

1)Its Hair Cutting Day ! My hair is finally long enough to donate to a foundation that makes wigs for cancer kids

2) Lunch at Swiss Chalet . Conveniently located next to this morning doctor's appointment, this will satisfy my serious jonesing for their highly addictive sage sauce

3) Cardio at the gym. I plan to eat a lot, so I need to work it off lol

I suck at recuperating from surgery - had to take today off because I'd overdone it. Not used to my body not obeying everything I demand of it.

If I didn't know any better I'd think it was some spambot algorithm.

This actually seems like a sound metaphor for some kinds of mental illness: a few lines of code that override everything else, repeating and restructuring the same persistent notions over and over.

I'm so sorry. I know that was a hard decision to make, and that it's hard to see your friend suffer. But you're taking care of yourself, which is hugely important. And you can't take care of her if she won't take care of herself. (((Senyar)))

1. Moving furniture! Sweeping and dusting! Tidying! Reorganizing! Slowly chipping away at the ossified clutter!

2. We're on double-secret vacation, shhhhhh, don't tell. Nothing scheduled except some people coming over Friday. It's all sleeping in, going to the movies, and making dinners for each other. Our families don't know, which means they aren't hurt that we've chosen not to spend the whole dang week with them.

3. In the next two days, I need to make brownies, snickerdoodles, cupcakes, and brie en croute. Mmmm, it is about to smell amazing in here.

I forgot how nice it is to have a clean house.

Thank you, that's a timely reminder for me that all this horrible dusting and tidying is going to be TOTALLY WORTH IT, sneezes and all.

1. I need to figure out what we should have for dinner and go grocery shopping (a walk to the store near my office would be nice, but it might be too rainy), but I have zero interest & zero energy. All I want to do is sit around and eat watermelon. This makes meal planning difficult.
2. I fell asleep early on the couch last night. It's amazing the tricks your body can play on you- "Here, lie down here, get comfortable, close your eyes...you won't fall asleep! Honest!" I always fall for it.
3. Made plans yesterday to go upstate to visit some friends for a Memorial Day BBQ. Can't wait, I love them!

Update: I'm going for dinner at Thorzdad's house, and then dessert at Elsa's.

Eide: Motorcycle trip eh? There's a giant part of me that longs to buy a re-issued Triumph and finally learn to ride. Then I remember the two young children who kinda of depend on me, and I think I should continue to travel the motorways of this world encased in steel and airbags for awhile longer.

The math works out differently for me. I've got nothing to leave behind but a beautiful (ha!) corpse.

Srsly, tho: I'm an ATGATT guy. I won't proselytize, but I accept that there are risks to everything in life, that some things are worth the risk, what's life if you're not really alive, etc. etc. I ride as defensively as a motherfucker (ride like you're invisible). I don't race; I'm more of an explorer (and thus have been cited for vehicular trespass more often than speeding).

There are sights, sounds, and sensations available to you as a motorcyclist that aren't otherwise evident. Riding with good friends can be transcendant; you're both alone and together at the same time.

For reference/reading material, this is basically the same trip I'm going on (except I'm taking an extra day to get from NYC to Boston (on backroads, mostly) now that I no longer live up there... and Sunday will be a veritable cannonball run weee weee wee all the way home in one shot; will probably have to superslab it at some point).

But yeah, everyone has their own emotional algebra. You gotta do you, you know? Just try not to leave too many regrets (have done, haven't done; you know the line).

1. My father and I have come to the realization that my mom is, perhaps soon, to become "totally locked in," meaning she will have absolutely no means to communicate. This means that soon we will have to sit down with her and talk again about whether she really wants to go on a ventilator, and if so, the exact circumstances in which she would want to be removed as she will not be able to communicate her wishes. And of course, predicting when you will want to die is not easy. Another day for me of feeling just sick about what she's going through, which is nothing compared to actually going through it.

2. Getting married in June, and hoping that my mom can make it.

3. This is the first week where I really look pregnant and not just like I have a gut.

Also, being in a car is weird to me now. Operating a vehicle without a clutch, doubly so.

(I recently heard the depressing statistic that 5% of all cars sold in recent years have been manual transmission. Why drive if you hate driving?)

1. Took the car in for oil change. I usually do it myself but I couldn't remove drain plug so I just gave up and took it in. It was so nice to have someone else do something for me for a change.

2. A squirrel has taken a liking to my suet feeder. I came home to find one of my flower pots knocked onto the ground far below. This means war. My friendly woodpecker loves the suet and I'll be danged of some pesky squirrel is gonna win.

3. Plans are in place to go to Raleigh on Friday evening and spend night so I can attend services Saturday morning. I'll have to be back on the road as soon as possible so I can go directly to work for the late day till closing shift.

Why drive if you hate driving?)

Cause it's the easiest way to get from Point A to Point B where I live?

[link]

Not trying to derail, just wanted to provide my citation. Doing my part to battle unattributed internet fact syndrome!

Oh, amro, I'm sorry. That sounds so hard --- my heart goes out to you and your folks.

It's wonderful that you have such happy exciting times ahead to brighten things, even if your mother's condition means those are tinged with sorrow, too. (Truthfully, I think that's inevitable for all of us, and that those shadows help to show us why the bright moments are so precious.)

I'm thinking of you.

1. By a strange coincidence, I too am going to New Hampshire this weekend. But not on a motorcycle, in an automatic transmission car.

2. Worked last last night. Very very veryveryvery tiredd today.

3. I would like a squirrel proof bird feeder (seeds, not suet). I'm getting tired of feeding Freddy.

2 (amended). Worked late last night. Very very veryveryvery tiredd today.

(bluesapphires: do you have a nautical-themed pashmina afghan?)

Sadly no.

Why drive if you hate driving?

I don't have enough coordination for a stick and would rather screw with the radio

I'm so sorry, Amro. I can't imagine how you're getting through this, with joy and sadness in equal measure.

I have these squirrel-proof bird feeders. They really do work. I've tried other, cheaper ones but the skwerls just got the lids off, but they can't with these.

I'm thinking of you.

Likewise! Hoping for the best for you, amro!

1. Funny, when I had a suet feeder nobody would touch it unless it was the kind that had peanut butter in it. Weird.

1a. I miss my birdfeeders, but can't really have them with a basement-level apartment. Among other things, I can't watch them in the morning because people would see into my bedroom.

2. Going to L.L. Bean in Freeport, ME this weekend, looking forward to the trip, both for the much-needed clothes and for the time away.

3. Actually I like the humpday, Wednesday, because I play with my string group in the evenings.

Eid,
New-car buyers are shifting back to manual transmissions

1. Going down to Ashland this weekend to see a few plays, and stay in our usual bath-down-the-hall hotel.

2. Just this morning checked off another little task towards retirement. By boss states that he is still in denial, and I WILL be able to work an extra 6 months after my retirement is official, hence, "double dipping" in the parlance of public employees. This is Daughter's senior year in college.

3. I am 'this' close to buying an iPhone. . .every day I think this is the day but I just never get around to it. Funny.

4. I think I mentioned that the art director for The Artist is an old school friend. I sent him a card, congratulating him. Got a really nice note back in the mail, asking about what I have been up to and wanting to keep in touch. He has to be really busy these days, and I am sure he has options up the wazoo.

1. I screwed up at work, with a programming error. It's easily fixable, but my results won't look as pretty as I thought they were. I'm trying to work but all I have running through my head is a voice saying, you're such a fuckup! Makes it hard to concentrate.

2. I have a presentation to give on Tuesday. See 1.

3. Seriously, what's the magic pill to make it possible to concentrate when you're so damned anxious about everything? Some days it's fine, but days like today I just want to run away to some remote island or something.

Senyar, those emails sound really terrible to me, so I can't imagine what it feels like to read them for you. You made the right decision, even if it feels bad right now. It's possible to feel compassion for someone and still take steps to ensure you keep your own sanity.

Amro, I'm really sorry to hear that. Very bittersweet to have all these things going on in your life simultaneously.

Eide, I guess I'm one of those people who hate driving. Mostly I don't drive, and get my boyfriend to drive. I have an Indian driving license (where I learnt on a stick shift, that I hated) and am in the process of getting an American one (after nearly five years here!). It's a good thing Ithaca has decent public transport.

1. Going up to Kamloops this weekend. Been feeling lots of anxiety over it for the last 10 days or so, but I know I'll have fun.
2. The mister's issues are still ongoing and they don't know what's causing the pain part of it. He's going to be scheduled for an angiogram which is to happen in the next two weeks.
3. If I'm not careful, my brain will go into gibbering mode and I'll be even more useless than normal. Wheee!

senyar: sounds like you did what you had to do -- I'm sorry she upset you so... I hope she eventually gets some help and you get some well-deserved peace

amro: I wonder if there might be some kind of computer-assisted device your mom might be able to use to still communicate? I know Stephen Hawking's an unusual case of ALS, but he's also locked-in and uses a computer to communicate; he's able to operate it with his cheek, but I know there are computers people can operate with their eyes... just a thought (so sorry for your mom)

1. As for me, looks like it's official... I'm the new Chapter Leader for our school for the fall (pray for me). It was a bit anti-climactic, since I ran unopposed, but what the heck. A win's a win, eh?

2. Jon and I managed to get the bedroom air conditioner installed no fuss no muss, which is an achievement for us (often much cursing and knife throwing ensues in such endeavors). Such blessed coolness... aaaaahhhhhhh

3. I went to see my mom on Saturday (Jon had to work) and had a nice visit. I brought pizza and a big Happy Mother's Day balloon and we sat out on the patio for a bit. My brothers took her out to eat on Sunday. Sadly, they didn't invite me. Ah, well. I'd rather just spend time with my mom anyway. And she mouthed to one of the workers at the Assisted Living place that I was her favorite, so there. (*sticks tongue out at brothers*)

Senyar, I am truly sorry your friend has taken such a bad turn, and it's sad to be getting those emails.

Amro, I missed your happy announcements! I guessed way back when that you were expecting, so I am SO happy for you both. I am really sorry though, about your mom. I can't imagine how hard that is for you and your dad.

1. I have a baby opossum under my kitchen sink. It's adorable, but does not belong in my house! My beau went under my house yesterday to find any holes, and patched a couple, and we've now set a Have-A-Heart live trap. So of course I keep thinking I'm hearing things. I really don't want it to die somewhere! Wait..I think it's back.

2. My eldest turns 19 this weekend. 19!! Where the heck did the time go? His last year as a teenager...Now we just need to work on getting him in a direction (he wanted the Air Force, and passed the entrance exam with flying colors, but he was denied because they claim he has "head, neck, and ear abnormalities". Have no idea what they are referring to. As much as it's a relief to me, he had three years of JROTC in high school, and was really looking forward to this as the start of his adult life. Now, on to Plan B.

3. I have to work late tomorrow..I rearranged my schedule because I got notice of a Child Support Enforcement Hearing for my ex-husband in Pennsylvania. They told me I don't have to attend (I was willing to do so by phone); I just need to call for the results. Interesting. Now he has two states after him for not paying child support for the last 4 years. What angers me is that he'll post cutesy things on Facebook about loving his family, when he hasn't even seen his kids in nearly 5 years. Aaarrgghhh.

Oy, so sorry amro and Senyar for the emotional difficulties. I've been way out of touch around here lately and had missed those situations you were dealing with. Damn. I have no advice or other words you haven't heard already, so just, y'know, hugs to you both.

1) On vacation. Spent the weekend in a mountain cabin in north Georgia, as you may have heard if you follow me on Twitter. (Beer+freedom+internet access makes for a talkative BP.) It was awesome. Pics from all the touristy stuff we did will be on Flickr shortly; also it was my partner's birthday and we had cake and a rainy afternoon by a fireplace in a cabin on the edge of a canyon and it was just great.

2) Went to Ikea today and bought shelves (and shelves that go on top of shelves) (and even a LADDER that will hang off of those shelves) because I'm ready to try to organize my music collection (which is 99% CDs, 1% "other"). Those of you who've seen my den- the stacks will be gone, and if and when you visit again, there'll be no more danger of "drunk crashes." (Not that any of you ever had one of those.)

3) Got my postcards for the postcard swap written and ready to go today! I warn you, some of them are stunningly boring. I have a reputation to uphold, after all. They'll go into the mail tomorrow. I've gotten 3 postcards in the mail already and they're so cool!

(and even a LADDER that will hang off of those shelves)

OOooooooh, you just achieved one of my childhood dreams: to own a library big enough to require its own ladder. (I was thinking of books; I'm not sure my childhood self could even have imagined a music library that big.)

Knowing that Real and Hip Grown-ups still keep CDs around is also weirdly reassuring to me. We just moved and reorganized all the CDs and DVDs, which means I'm acutely aware of how much space they take up in our small apartment. So all week I've had this constant nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I should buy hard drives and... do whatever one does with them.

That seems like a lot of work, but even more, I just plain don't want to. I like the physical medium; I like flipping through the CDs. I'm not ready to live in The Future, where all my music is a button on my laptop or iPod.

So it's reassuring to know that other, more savvy people keep the shiny discs around, too.

Well, less savvy people keep them around to (ie me). I like to be able to see all the CDs lined up on the shelves. I also like listening to CDs when I actually want to really listen - it makes some kind of commitment to put a CD on or something and I feel obligated to listen to the whole thing.

I have also resisted the e-book urge because, if I had one. I would have no excuse to buy real books to add to my already overcrowded bookshelves.

I was idly wondering if keeping actual CDs cluttering up the house was one of those generational markers indicating that I have contracted a very serious case of Old*, like having wearing Sansabelt pants or saying "hamburger sandwich" was for previous generations. Or if it was an indicator of my total cluelessness, like an unnamed relative who cannot operate the (totally user-friendly) DVD player she's had for a decade. Or something.

Not that I was really going to change my habits even so. The inertia field around me is pretty strong.

"the stacks will be gone" - The end of an era.

I store my DVDs in multiple organizer books: one for music videos, one for TV series, etc. The convenience and space savings more than makes up for the inconvenience of re-alphabetizing.

I converted all my CDs, about 800, to mp3s years ago, but Spotify has obsolesced even that media form.

While the winery & lunch were decent, the boat trip was wonderful (excluding the water gun battle). So calm and relaxing going down the river. Now I want a yacht if I ever win the lotto.

As for CDs, I plan to keep the ones I have but I haven't brought a new one in ages. My used book purchases have decreased a lot since I was given a nook. Given the amount of space in my house, that's not necessarily a bad thing in either case.

amro: I wonder if there might be some kind of computer-assisted device your mom might be able to use to still communicate? I know Stephen Hawking's an unusual case of ALS, but he's also locked-in and uses a computer to communicate; he's able to operate it with his cheek, but I know there are computers people can operate with their eyes... just a thought (so sorry for your mom)


Thanks for the thought but "totally locked-in" means she won't be able to move her eyes or blink, in addition to everything else.

And, not to argue semantics, but Stephen Hawking isn't locked-in. Someone who is locked in can only use their eyes to communicate. If you're totally locked-in, you can't communicate at all.