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21 November 2011

So you know "Clean ALL the things!!!!", right? What's the catchphrase for Adventures in Depression?[More:]KathrynT suggests "Good job, Fork Grabber," but the one that speaks to me is "Are you going into the kitchen? Cool. Go fuck yourself."

I am back to having a terrible case of the You Sucks as I try to finish up this job application. Having a crappy day at work -- in the office to which I am applying -- is really not helpful.

Added to that is the fact that multiple people I know are having terrible, horrible days involving problems way bigger than whether or not I can write a damn cover letter.

Sigh.

How do you get rid of the You Sucks?
I have been using "stupidest face contest" or permutations thereof.

What are you awesome at? Do some of that. Or just think about it. (I think I come off as arrogant or self-obsessed because I spend so much time reminding myself of the great things I've done so I don't collapse into myself like a dying star. It's as annoying on this end of it as it is to those on the outside. The end.)
posted by Eideteker 21 November | 15:53
Heh. I think I'm the opposite, or at least I've gone 180 degrees and am desperately trying to come back.

I was a smart kid and got smacked down for it so much that I spent a long time actively trying to be more humble in hopes that people would like me more.

Now I preface everything with an "I know this is probably stupid and you already thought of it, but..." and it needs to stop like yesterday.
posted by Madamina 21 November | 17:06
I kind of like "Nothing Can Do Anything to Me!"
posted by bearwife 21 November | 17:10
Are you actually depressed or just going through a down on yourself, beat yourself up low self esteem thing? If it's the latter, how long has it been going on? Are you having "You Suck" related anxiety? Is it causing indecision, problems concentrating, procrastination?

If logic works on you at all, arm yourself with anti-You Suck evidence.
Doing something you are good at, find rewarding, or something you can accomplish successfully helps you prove yourself to yourself. Be they simple or more challenging, part of it is making the effort, part of it is getting it done, and if you can, let yourself feel good about it.
Hearing other people tell you how much you don't suck can help, and I really doubt your suckiness.
I could go on at boring length, and will if necessary, but be kind to yourself, give yourself a break. Let yourself feel bad and then move on. Remember, there are way more options than "I am a superpowered badass" and "Wow, I totally suck."
A Buddhist may say something like let yourself have the emotion/thought without judgement, accept it, and move on to the next thing. Do not try to suppress the thought, but don't dwell on it or worry.
Everyone has moments of suckiness, it does not mean You Suck.
posted by ethylene 21 November | 17:21
I like to think about purchasing All Of These Skittles.
posted by fancyoats 21 November | 19:20
I'm kinda partial to "Maybe I'll touch a spider later."
posted by Elsa 22 November | 01:19
I was a smart kid and got smacked down for it so much that I spent a long time actively trying to be more humble in hopes that people would like me more.

Oh, I do that, too. It's... complex.

My therapist recently suggested I might need to be less accomodating. Which, to me, says: "Be more of an asshole." (Yes, I know the difference between that and being assertive, but again, the bruises from previous smacks-down...)
posted by Eideteker 22 November | 10:29
Hardest thing in the word (I've found) is to NOT help when it's needed. It's difficult but "being an asshole" sometimes is the right thing to do.

How do you get rid of the You Sucks?

What gets me out of my funk is "Clean All The Things!" I've noticed a little window in my depression that, if I go through it, will get me going in a very non-self-conscious way. (Drugs, I think, allow this) After a while, I've had a day of getting it all done and I feel goooooood.

The depression won't go away. That's a life condition. But at least with that little window, I can function like a reasonably adult-acting child.
posted by MonkeyButter 22 November | 10:43
[...] I might need to be less accomodating. Which, to me, says: "Be more of an asshole."

I've been trying to do that on a few fronts lately. I described this dynamic to my sister, who reminded me of a useful framing idea from radio's Dr. Joy Brown: cheerful and stupid. It's been a pretty handy reminder to me not to engage immediately with someone else's problems, not to think I am THE PROBLEM SOLVER, to take a breath, disengage, and mildly say "Gosh, that sounds like a tricky problem for you. Good luck!" or "Oh, I don't think I'm the person to help you with that."

I need to stop seeking the gold stars. Figuring this out has been a big step on the road to happiness for me. I'm not great at actually doing it, but I'm getting better.
posted by Elsa 22 November | 12:02
Thanks. Especially to Elsa. I've sort of been doing the cheerful/stupid thing (requires me not to care what others think of me first! Yikes!) but it's helpful to see it written and explained plainly (rather than subconsciously).
posted by Eideteker 22 November | 12:34
I left out the important part of my remark! I meant to say: there's a lot of space between "be so very accommodating" and "be an asshole." For me, a long stretch of that space is filled with "cheerful and stupid" or "crisp and civil" or even "blinking blankly in confusion as to why you are coming to me with your problem."

I've been retraining some of the people in my life: I have been too accommodating for too long, so (reasonably enough) they thought I always would be. It's a bumpy patch trying to establish a new dynamic --- but it works! It's glacial, but gradually those old shapes erode and new shapes fill the landscape.

And when I cheerfully refuse to take on someone else's bullshit, even if they take it poorly, I get the happiness of feeling comfortable in my own skin, knowing that at the very least, I respect my own wishes and values.
posted by Elsa 22 November | 12:44
I've sort of been doing the cheerful/stupid thing (requires me not to care what others think of me first! Yikes!)

Oh, I KNOW! But it's deeply freeing. That's really what I mean about the gold stars: I need to stop trying to be So Very Good. (I don't mean to suggest that the gold-star-seeking is true for anyone else; I just know it's true for me.)

I recently identified something that's been driving a big chunk of my behavior, explaining why I want that approval, why I need those gold stars. It's okay that I feel that desire, but it's really important to know that I CAN GIVE MYSELF GOLD STARS for doing what's right and good and healthy. I don't need them from other people.

When love and approval come from the people who love me, it's not for being So Very Good; it's just for BEING. The people who really love me in a healthy way just love me. That was a big (and ongoing) lesson.
posted by Elsa 22 November | 12:51
I always enjoy the "You suck!" feeling as a sign of a spiritual advancement in which I don't need not to suck.
posted by Obscure Reference 22 November | 13:17
I give you all gold stars :)
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 22 November | 13:26
I want to wrap myself up in this thread like a blanket and sit watching videos all day, with occasional bursts of running around, scaring people at my office by pretending to be a ghost.
posted by Eideteker 22 November | 13:33
Eide, that sounds FANTASTIC.

Turns out that yesterday wasn't so crazy after all, but BOY was the anticipation ruining everything else.

I finally got my job app in, and now comes the waiting. As Tom Petty says, it's the hardest part.
posted by Madamina 22 November | 16:46
How do you get rid of the You Sucks?

I wish I knew a good way. A little bit of kindness from someone will go a long way. That is, unless I am really depressed, and then I won't want it, because then it's like crack. Someone will say something nice to me and I will just start crying or I will be terrified they will think I am trying to sink my vampire fangs into them.

That's assuming I don't bat the kindness away. You didn't mean it. You say that to everyone. You don't know what you're talking about. You don't see the other ways I got it wrong. You regretted saying it because you instantly thought it would lead to me expecting more from you so now you're going to actually start treating me worse because I'm depressed how fucked up is that.

I like "Adventures in Depression" but I feel like it is missing the social aspect, the walking-around-gutshot feeling, the social alienation.
posted by fleacircus 22 November | 17:46
I am tempted to buy a whole packet of gold stars and toss them into the air in this thread.
posted by Elsa 22 November | 20:25
wherein my idiot harasser discovers my info || Bunny! OMG!

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