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DTMFA
Look around a Starbucks and imagine that all the couples you see are Internet daters complying with the meet-first-for-coffee rule of thumb: here’s another bland, neutral establishment webbed with unspoken expectation and disillusionment. One evening, I [the author] found myself in such a place with a thirty-eight-year-old elementary-school teacher who had spent more than ten years plying Match.com and Nerve.com, as well as the analogue markets, in search of someone with whom to spend the rest of her life. She’d met dozens of men. Her mother felt that she was being too picky. In December, she started corresponding online with a man a couple of years older than she. After a week and a half, they met for drinks, which turned into dinner and more. He was clever, handsome, and capable. In their e-mails, they’d agreed that they’d reached a time and place in their lives to be less cautious and cool, in matters of the heart, so when, two days later, he sent a photograph of a caipirinha, the national cocktail of Brazil, where he’d gone for a few weeks on business, she found herself suggesting that she join him there. He made the arrangements. Her mother approved. She flew down to Rio the next week, and he came to the airport with a driver to meet her.
Months later, she savored the memory of that moment when he greeted her with a passionate hug, and the week and who knows what else lay before them. A swirl of anticipation, uncertainty, and desire converged into an instant of bliss. For that feeling alone—to say nothing of the chance to go to Brazil—she would do it all over again, even though, during the next ten days, with nothing but sex to stave off their corrosive exchanges over past and future frustrations, they came to despise each other. When they returned to New York, they split up, and went back online.
Oh man, I so hate making moves and/or reading signals.
It isn't rocket surgery, man. I knew The Fella and I had something happening on our first not-a-date when his foot bumped mine under the table and he left it there, and later when I brushed his hand with mine and he didn't yank it away. Look for stuff like that. It's not an absolute indicator of romantic interest, but even with touchy-touchy people like me, it usually indicates a good comfort level with you.
I don't think it's crazy to ask out a lot of girls, assuming you don't really mean EVERY girl, because that smells of desperation and most women have a good nose for that.
We got along well, I was ok with talking to her for the most part (instead of being all nervous/socially awkward like I always fear) because she was a little quirky, too (need that in a woman). But not much chemistry, and she was fairly... prickly? Warm one moment, cool the next. I dunno.
I can confirm that the third date thing is an issue, but girls I knew who really bought into it also were not good relationship material.
Finally, my advice is to assume that you will not find anyone. Be self-sufficient. Build a family out of your friends, assume that there won't be a partner in your future. Someday, should you find someone, you might even be surprised how regretful you'll feel about losing that single life. I was :)
In case you need to hear it again (and because it never hurts!): you're dishy and completely charming. Good luck out there!
I feel like this wraps up with something you said earlier about finding the right fit. Ideally, people who want to play games like "hard to get" and "third date rule" (and truthfully, I don't even understand those enough to know if they're overlapping categories of players) end up with other people who want to play those games and are good at them.
Huh? You were with a lovely lady when I met you in Boston.
I am without computer (as per usual) so I can't really IRC these days. ONE DAY, LOVER.
But do you find that it actually interferes with real prospects when you're dating?
In order to examine the courting behaviors of males and females, Fisher looks to a study done by two scientists, David Givens and Timothy Perper, in which American men and women were observed in their natural flirting environment, cocktail lounges. The two scientists concluded that there are five distinct stages of courtship. During the first or “attention getting” phase, both men and women begin by establishing “a territory—a seat, a place to lean… Once settled, they begin to attract attention to themselves” (26). From there, men and women differ in their strategies. Men tend to exaggerate gestures or walk in a manner that draws attention to themselves, and older men often attempt to reveal signs of success such as wearing expensive clothing. Women combine an array of different feminine behaviors into their strategy such as tilting their heads, giggling, walking a certain way, arching their backs, thrusting their chests forward, and swaying their hips.- http://www.drmillslmu.com/sexdiffs/spr00/panel5.htm
The second stage is known as the “recognition” stage during which the two people acknowledge each other through eye contact and “a smile or slight body shift, and the couple move into talking range” (27). The third and most risky stage is the initiation of conversation, referred to as “grooming talk” that includes icebreakers such as compliments or questions that both necessitate a response,(27). If a couple converses successfully, they are likely to move on to the fourth stage, touch, which begins with “intention cues” where one or both people lean closer to each other decreasing the space between them until one person finally touches the other in a way that is socially acceptable. Reaction in stage four is crucial. Withdrawal generally ends the interaction, but encouragement can lead to the fifth stage, “total body synchrony” (29).
The scientists noticed that in the last stage, “as potential lovers become comfortable, they pivot or swivel until their shoulders become aligned, their bodies face-to-face… after awhile the man and woman begin to move in tandem” (29). Fisher reminds the reader that such studies do not indicate that these behaviors are cross-cultural since they were only conducted in the United States. She does, however, claim that there is “evidence to suggest that some of these patterns are universal to humankind” (29). There are several examples of body synchrony in particular that are cross-cultural and that are displayed not as a means of attracting a sexual partner but also as a sign of familiarity and comfort between friends.
For example, on my first date with my husband, who I had never met before then, it was clear to me he was not a pushy or aggressive guy, so I TOLD him, I really hope you call me again. I'd really like to see you again. I like you very much. Please call me. It wasn't subtle stuff. For you, if a woman doesn't say that, tell her you'd like to see her again, would she like to do that?
