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15 July 2011
It's the Friday Night Question, chosen at random from The Book of Questions...→[More:]
#184: When you are given a compliment do you usually acknowledge it or suggest that you do not really deserve it?
I used to wave them off and be embarrassed. Then a couple of people told me that reaction was really uncomfortable for the person giving the compliment. Now I say "thank you" and change the subject.
I'll acknowledge it. If I think I don't deserve it, I try not to spurn it, because I feel like that's rude and who really gives a damn, they're just being nice and I like that.
Yep, I say "thank you" now, too. Although then I feel immediately uncomfortable because I want to reciprocate with a (sincere) compliment but it feels insincere because, you know.
I try pretty hard to say thank you and not something self-deprecating, unless I really don't deserve it.
For work stuff I frequently try to acknowledge the contribution of others.
I acknowledge it, because I usually do deserve it. Yes, that piece of work was awesome, thank you for noticing. Yes, this outfit is fetching, I'm glad you were here to enjoy it.
I'm sort of compliment-driven, though. I like it less when I'm being complimented on something that I believe is sub-par. That gets a quick "Thanks" and a topic change. Deserved compliments get a warm and sincere thank you.
I used to be uncomfortable and self-deprecating, but now I just say thanks and appreciate the kind words. It's not something I have to worry about too often these days.
I've been teaching myself to respond with the polite thank you rather than doing the womanly 'oh this old thing' crap. It always used to piss me off when I would get that from someone I was geniunely complimenting, so I realized I needed to knock it off.
I have tried (not totally successfully) to train myself away from the self-deprecating response, the "Oh, this old thing!" or "Oh, it was nothing!" Instead, I try to accept the compliment gratefully and graciously. At school, I often say, "Thanks, I worked hard on that!"
If it's a compliment on a group task, I make sure to acknowledge the contributions of others. "Thanks, we worked hard on that! [A] is a great editor and [B] wrangled all that data."
If they're complimenting an object, I often do deflect --- at least, I often mention where it came from. "Thanks, they belonged to my grandmother" or "Thanks, I love it too --- my friend [X] gave me that."
And once in a while, I let myself really bask in a compliment, however small or silly it may be. Today someone said, "I love that shirt!" and I let myself say, "Thanks, I made it!" instead of "Oh, this old thing that I threw together?"
I'll usually give a slightly awkward "Thanks" if someone pays me a compliment. Depends what it's for. What's weird is when someone comments on how cute my baby/kid is, and then I thank them because...the baby is mine? It's kind of half-way between accepting a compliment on their behalf and accepting the compliment for myself because I "made" the baby or because I "own" the baby. I dunno, it's just kind of on the edge of baby-as-object. Like when someone says "Cute shoes!" or whatever.
I am all over the place tonight. Sorry for all the scare quotes.
I get buttered up a lot. If I just think I'm being flattered, I usually default to a joke of the self deprecating variety. If I think it is for real, I say thank you as warmly as possible. If I think it is real and I'm delightedly surprised or I truly love the person who said it, I talk about how honored or touched or glowing that comment made me feel.
I used to be the penultimate compliment-dismisser, until I realized how insulting this was to the giver of said compliment. Now I accept them with a beaming smile.
Depends on the situation. At work I've learned to accept them with a thank you, and then figure out how it works to get me more money. Seriously, the kind of work I do (blue collar) it's all about money or perks in the end.
In my personal (real) life, it also depends on the situation. I tend to shy away from compliments. With art I've made, I'm always trying to be better, so that gets a "thanks, but". About me, I deflect them, but I've learned to accept them from my wife. Turns out someone can love me as much as I love them. Imagine that. Imagine that.
I used to never be able to take a compliment. Now I say "Thank you." If I think the person is totally wrong and completely insane, I'll say something like "That's nice of you to say so."
I used to brush it off, because I really didn't think I was worthy of compliments. But as my security in myself increased over the years, I've gotten much better at accepting them. It's still not easy for me, but I'm working on it.
I say, "It's kind of you to say that, thank you," because I can thus thank them for their thoughts without confirming that they're right. Some people then insist, as if by saying so I've denied what they said as simply something they think, as if they might be mistaken about me being so super. I then say, "No, I mean it; thank you."
I have a lot of trouble not hating myself, even though it doesn't always show. Most days I spend a while feeling stuck in life. This self-loathing makes self-deprecation seem like a natural course, but I don't even want to touch that surface with other people, so I just thank them and try to move on.
I'm getting better at this (not that I get compliments all the time, but they do happen). Recently I played in a symphony in which I played a long and difficult solo. I worked hard at it in advance, and the performance went pretty well, though it wasn't quite as I wanted it (it never is). My internal monologue is always all: "well that was OK but this note was slightly off and that shift wasn't accurate and and and".
Afterwards people were very complimentary, and I made a conscious effort to put the internal monologue to one side and accept gracefully the nice things that people said. Most of the compliments were about things that come naturally to me (phrasing etc) and which I internally don't feel it's right I get credit for, as I've never had to work at achieving the results I get... but it would be ungracious of me to protest in those terms to the complimenters.
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