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23 June 2011

nooooo this girl i had in a semester class i barely attended in fall 2006 deleted me from facebook! this aggression will not stand! y'all only gonna give me the benefit of the doubt for 4.5 years? are my status updates not captivating?![More:]

thankfully the other girl from the class is still on there. HANG IN THERE LADY.

I have to say this inspired me to go look up the name/email of the prof from that class... he's still teaching on that college's faculty! hmm I want to email him (our class/interactions were such that he'd almost definitely remember me) but I mean, I haven't emailed profs before it seems a bit odd. hmm. maybe in the future
posted by Firas 23 June | 09:14
I just went through and weeded out my FB contacts. I had gotten up to something like 500 people and found I wasn't really processing them well. I felt I was wading through people I hardly know to find the updates I really wanted from people I know well. I think this is something that is just going to make sense to do every now and then. I already have some pretty hard and fast "rules" about FB linking, like that I only link to people I've met in RL (with very few exceptions from early on in the FB days).

I was just visiting some friends whose son graduated from high school this month. He spent a few hours one of the days I was there gleefully de-friending dozens of casual acquaintances from high school who he had friended "just in case I have to ask them something." I think this is a general housecleaning habit we're going to need going forward with social media.
posted by Miko 23 June | 09:36
yea it's precisely the nonexistent nature of our relationship that amused me about this, that these two people just have me on there for zero reason for years on end. I have some other college-era people on there too but I worked with them etc.

I got it. I think what makes it different is with high school friends and college work friends I have them as part of a 'network'—we have strong relationships in common. Whereas with these two they were like out on a limb, just 'there' in my network the way I was in theirs. So that kinda relationship is the first to go when there's no contact or common shared life history at all (although the chick who delisted me is still friends with the other chick, grr)

I don't really see myself doing a mass delisting of high school class acquaintances really (or being mass delisted by them) just cause the whole fact that I and they have 50, 60 people in common is a strong sort of thing. But maybe as high school fades suddenly that old network becomes irrelevant slowly
posted by Firas 23 June | 09:44
I need to clean out all those first dates that never went anywhere.
posted by JanetLand 23 June | 09:46
I always hope people like that will weed ME out. I weed out as well as I can, and I've started refusing requests from people I'm never going to see again in my life (like people I went to high school with that I never knew who still live in Florida- come on).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 23 June | 10:06
FB for me is mainly the place where people I barely remember from high school have found me.

However, I felt strangely depressed when deleting my boyfriend of one month last weekend.

Facebook is weird.
posted by WolfDaddy 23 June | 10:13
I look forward to the point where people make potential friends fill out an application, like how it was on livejournal.
posted by Eideteker 23 June | 10:22
I love having old high school classmates on my list even though I'll never see them again. I'll end up defriending some of the people I've met for parent's weekend or a conference.

How do you know when someone defriends you? Do you get a notice?
posted by theora55 23 June | 10:32
Aw, WolfDaddy.
posted by gaspode 23 June | 10:34
I don't delete all that much, but I block the heck out of people. About 10% of my FB friends are blocked right now so I don't see their status updates.
posted by amro 23 June | 10:55
theora55, no, i just typed her name in randomly

I can make an app that actually checks but I haven't actually done that cause it's just, one of those things where it's easier if the thing ends silently anyway. I get notifications from twitter when people unfollow and a few of those have definitely made me sorta not be thrilled about it for a minute so it's better to not know
posted by Firas 23 June | 11:01
Me too, amro.
posted by gaspode 23 June | 11:03
me three, amro. Some people are just boring on Facebook. Or they tend to make me mad.

theora55, they don't let you know this directly. I know that app for finding out exists, but I don't plan to use it, because I would probably just use the information to drive myself nuts (Why, WHY?) and add fester to any resentments.
posted by Miko 23 June | 11:18
I don't block, but I do hide people, that way I don't see their status updates but I can see if they contribute to a discussion. Blocking is more radical and you can't see anything they do, and they can't see anything you do. I've been blocked by one person, following a drama that I didn't create.

I do defriend (which is silent, so people don't notice until/unless they look for you on their friend list) if I think I'm unlikely to see the person again. After one such person asked to be my friend again TWICE after being defriended, I relented.
posted by altolinguistic 23 June | 11:20
I've never de-friended someone, just blocked the more annoying ones. Probably more than 50% of the stuff that I see (i.e not blocked) on FB these days is from family members and in-laws. Lots of Grandchild picture postings and such.
posted by octothorpe 23 June | 11:26
I guess I don't block but actually just hide, got my FB lingo wrong.
posted by octothorpe 23 June | 11:28
Yeah, I guess I don't block either. I meant hide I suppose. I suspect that Miko and gaspode did as well.
posted by amro 23 June | 11:30
Yeah, I hide, that's right.
posted by Miko 23 June | 12:02
My boyfriend & I aren't Facebook friends yet, although that might change because we may be getting a bigger apartment together soon. As in, we're meeting the landlord today. Wish us luck?
posted by TrishaLynn 23 June | 12:46
I wish you luck but that is confusing! So you guys are waiting until you have a certain size home together to become FB friends?
posted by amro 23 June | 13:24
I always wonder how many of my fb friends have my obnoxious stream of updates blocked. Thanks to this thread, I have some indication. ;)
posted by Eideteker 23 June | 13:25
I'm not hiding you on Facebook Eide.
posted by apoch 23 June | 13:33
People probably started hiding me when I had my blog posts auto-publish on fb, but whatevs. You win some you lose some. And if they miss out on my awesome stories about being caught in the rain on my way to work, sucks to be them.
posted by rmless2 23 June | 13:50
My boyfriend & I aren't Facebook friends yet

Why not?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 23 June | 13:53
About 10% of my FB friends are blocked right now so I don't see their status updates.

Just 10%? Wow. I checked up and I'm up to 63% blocked.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 23 June | 13:55
I still don't have a fb. (I'm in my 30's, this is probably something I am expected to be doing at my age) Sometimes I sort of think maybe I am missing something....but then my nosey sister in law calls and reminds me why I don't have one. I guess I am a wierdo.
posted by meeshell 23 June | 14:30
I do defriend (which is silent, so people don't notice until/unless they look for you on their friend list)

Or if you commented on one of their pictures, and they were scrolling through looking at them, and were like, hey! Bob! What's going on with him, let me click to his profile....AND no more friend.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 23 June | 14:31
I once messaged someone (a good friend of an ex-boyfriend of mine with whom I am still in touch; I always suspected that she didn't like me) and asked her why she unfriended me. I was just being a jerk, really; I knew I'd never see her again in person and I wanted to put her on the spot. She replied and said that it was a mistake, and then she friend-requested me. I accepted the request, but it bugged me for weeks that she didn't own up to why she had unfriended me and instead and instead told what I thought was a pretty transparent lie.

So I unfriended her. And when I read it all spelled out, it looks pretty ridiculous and petty. Ah well.
posted by amro 23 June | 14:57
Girl, we've all been there. I made my high school boyfriend's wife, who I've never even met, friend me. She declined once- I was right back there with another request. That was years ago. We're still friends, but if she ever unfriended me, I think I'd let it go. Maybe. Probably.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 23 June | 15:25
Thanks to this thread, I have some indication. ;)

I haven't blocked you either. Your updates are interesting.
posted by Miko 23 June | 16:09
FB for me is mainly the place where ex-students friend me in the hope of using me for a job reference sometime.
Oh - and the place where a set of work-related contacts outvie each other in pretending to have a life ... :-)

I can never think of anything that I'd care for these people to know. So my status updates are few and far between.
posted by Susurration 23 June | 17:23
I have just realized that absolutely none of you are facebook friends. *snif*
posted by JanetLand 23 June | 17:48
Why aren't my boyfriend and I Facebook friends? On my side, there was a bit of apprehension at first because we started dating a few months after my last serious relationship ended, and I didn't want to jinx the new relationship by "declaring" anything too soon. (Also, I didn't want it to get back around to the ex that I was seeing someone new until I told him myself. Turns out, I shouldn't have bothered with the niceties or the courtesy.)

Now, we're waiting to see if we can make it either all the way to an engagement or a wedding before making it "Facebook" official. Wouldn't it be neat to all of a sudden see that I'm married now? ^_^
posted by TrishaLynn 23 June | 17:56
Heehee, I love when that happens. Someone pops on the Newsfeed with a baby and I'm like WHOA NO WAY WHO KNEW YOU WERE EVEN PREGNANT.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 23 June | 18:12
Am I one of like three or four people in the world that neither has nor cares to have a Facebook page? My wife and pretty much everyone she knows has one. And I'll be honest. For a short time I had one. I used to be good friends with the wife of one of my closest friends. She kept sending me emails about Facebook. So I joined. And then she did my friend REALLY dirty. As in cheated on him and wanted to divorce him and keep me as a friend. I sent her a nasty email and told her to get lost. She kept trying to contact me via Facebook. I finally deleted my account and never looked back. It lasted about a month and left a very bad taste that still lingers.

I've never missed it.
posted by Splunge 23 June | 18:13
is your info on the facebook page in the wiki, JanetLand?
posted by gaspode 23 June | 18:46
I have found it overall to be a real blessing. One of the reasons is that over the years, I've lived in, let me see, 13 cities in 7 states and made friends in all of them. It's not likely I would have been able to maintain those friendships had something offering the easy, casual conversational connection of Facebook not come along. In fact, I know I wouldn't have, because I didn't - Facebook has brought some great friends back into touch with me. It's shown me sides of people I wouldn't otherwise have discovered. The linked articles and web pages that friends post on there lead me to some of the best content I find on the web, because it's filtered by people I already have something or other in common with. At its best it can be a neat little salon.

IT's helped me be a little closer to my dad and a few other relatives who aren't big letter writers or phone callers - and frankly, I also hate the phone, so it gives me another way to talk with people.

Like all social media, I think your experience of it is highly dependent on what you use it for, and who you have in your network. I've been fortunate not to have Teh Crazy happen to me very much, and I've gotten much more relaxed about blocking people who offend me or are looking to instigate.

I know a few people who aren't on it in a couple of my social circles. They're not really missing out, and yet they sometimes kind of are, when the rest of talk about something that was posted or transpired on Facebook by one of the others of us. It's just like a conversation that happened in another room of the party, and you have to fill the people in who weren't there.
posted by Miko 23 June | 18:47
We have a Facebook page on the Wiki, folks. Add yourself!

My FB friends are family, Bunnies, Mefites and a couple people I've known since I've been online (just over 12 years now, wow). I think about getting rid of it now and then, but it's a good way to keep in touch with my family, especially the younger members. Plus I like to check in on y'all as well.
posted by deborah 23 June | 19:18
Here's my WTF facebook story of the day. I got a friend request from my very first boyfriend. He was kind of an asshole to me back in the day ('88) - I haven't even seen this guy since '89 when I was SIXTEEN. He wasn't my friend at all at that time so uh why is he wanting to friend up now? So, I just ignore the request. Then I get a facebook message from him. Telling me that he hasn't even seen me since '89. And that he was a scum bag. I'm pretty sure that was his version of an apology BUT in my head an apology includes the words "I'm sorry." On top of my ideas about what constitutes an apology are further thoughts about not really giving a shit and also, OH THE LAUGHTER that this friend request caused me (I'm still laughing because it's just super funny to me.)
posted by fluffy battle kitten 23 June | 21:13
I saw a friend's status update indicating he had traveled over 1600 miles and visited my town. He didn't even bother to email and say, "Hey, I'm going to be in town but only for a few days and won't be able to visit, it sucks, I'm sorry." I unfriended him. Then I deleted my Facebook account because Facebook reminds me of a lying parent who tells you that you're the most popular person in school, and then one day you realize you're not.

Also, I'm 45 years old, and it's time to let high school drama be a part of the past.
posted by craniac 23 June | 21:19
Why aren't my boyfriend and I Facebook friends? On my side, there was a bit of apprehension at first because we started dating a few months after my last serious relationship ended, and I didn't want to jinx the new relationship by "declaring" anything too soon.

I guess I see a big difference between being FB friends with your boyfriend and changing your relationship status. I deleted my relationship status a long time ago and won't change it until/if/when I am ever engaged. But I was friends with my boyfriend on FB (he had long ago deleted his relationship status too) before he deleted his account (for work reasons, not FB hate reasons).
posted by amro 23 June | 21:42
By the way, FB has been super sloooooooow and buggy for me for days now. And I can't get into my messages to reply to one. Ergh.
posted by amro 23 June | 21:52
He didn't even bother to email and say, "Hey, I'm going to be in town but only for a few days and won't be able to visit, it sucks, I'm sorry." I unfriended him.

Ouch. I mean, this is something I would do. But I don't think I would ever mean it to be a personal slight - it would only be because if I were to visit, say, Philadelphia for a work conference for 2 days and knew I would have no time for visits, I would defintely not tantalize my friends with "Hey, I'm going to be in town." What would be the point? My experience in their town would essentially be me at the conference hotel representing my job. Even if I had a half hour for a drink get-together, I couldn't manage to see EVERYONE in the town. The same might be true if the trip was to visit my family (a situation I'm in all the time when I go to NJ - people say "Why didn't you tell me you were going to be in town?" and the answer, honestly, is "Because I planned to spend the entire time with my blood relatives whom I see all too little." I'm comfortable saying "this trip was all about family - but if you'd like to do X next time, let's plan it!"

I guess I don't feel there's anything mandatory about getting together with someone just because you're in their town. It's not just geography, but purpose and focus, that defines what you do with your time on a trip. I wouldn't really enjoy it too much if a friend of mine wrote personally to say "Hey, I'm going to be in your town! But sorry, I will have no time to hang out with you." I would probably respond with something like "Well I could meet you at 8:30 if you want to have breakfast!" but then I'd be putting them into a situation where they either have to agree, potentially overbooking themselves or tiring themselves out or distracting them from their actual trip purpose, or decline, creating an awkward moment.

One of the difficulties of life - one of the very things that makes FB so successful and important - is our neolocalism. We're always moving around, we mostly don't stay where we grew up, and the pace of our lives is pretty fast, with much of our time spoken for. To me, this is not a problem exacerbated by FB, it's exactly why FB is a boon. I can share something with you - sometimes really warm and touching moments - without having to wait until we're together, or rearrange my travel schedule, or make unrealistic plans, or blow someone else off, in order to do it.
posted by Miko 23 June | 22:43
I'm with amro- I friend dates pretty quickly but never show a relationship status. No one knows who you are friending and why.
When I want to find out about my exes, I look for who has been posting on their wall and who they have been in photos with; not who they have friended.
After a conference or something, I could have 15 new friends in a day and no one would be able to sort out if I was dating any of them.
posted by rmless2 23 June | 23:23
I notice when my friends total goes down and usually glance through my friends list to see if I can figure out who defriended me. A lot of the time I can't, which leaves me thinking the "friend" was probably right to break the connection.

Facebook can hurt sometimes, though. I've been very hurt sometimes to know that certain people don't want to stay in contact. It really hurt when I sent a cousin of mine a friend request and an enthusiastic note about how glad I was to see her on FB, that I'd been hoping for to join, and she declined the request. Well, at least I know not to bother trying to contact her ever again.

I've got just over a hundred friends on there, and it feels like a good solid list. I wouldn't want to be friends with 1000 people. I just accept requests from people I honestly like and enjoy being in touch with.
posted by Orange Swan 24 June | 12:28
The only thing that keeps me happy using FB is the understanding that different people use it in completely different way and that I don't even need to understand everyone else's usage, just accept that for whatever reason it's different than mine.

For example, I have fewer than 100 friends on FB, and almost all of them are people I see regularly: family members, dear old friends, friends from school, or people in my immediate social circle. I used to have lots more --- old high school friends, kids I knew in Texas 30 years ago, blog friends --- but I didn't love the constant stream of info from people I'm never going to see again, and I found that updates from my family and close friends got drowned out.

I cut a lot of distant people off my list, first sending out a little note to explaining that I was cutting down to my immediate social circle, nothing personal, great catching up with you, bye-byyyyyyyye. Only one person reacted nastily to that, and she reacted so nastily that I felt not a single qualm about never hearing from her again.
posted by Elsa 24 June | 14:08
if I were to visit, say, Philadelphia for a work conference for 2 days and knew I would have no time for visits, I would defintely not tantalize my friends with "Hey, I'm going to be in town."

I was going to say the same thing. People in my life are constantly zigzagging around for conferences or whatever, and only sometimes is there an opportunity to make a social occasion out of it. If my friends and I let that bother each other, we...wouldn't be friends any more, I guess.

(I only joined Facebook recently because it's the only real social glue for my grad school program. I thought I'd limit it to those people, but then lots of co-workers popped up too, and things grew from there. I still haven't connected with any of y'all; it's nothing personal and maybe I'll make an effort to add people once I'm done with school.)
posted by tangerine 24 June | 16:56
I have only a couple dozen FB friends, only very close friends I know IRL. I deliberately limited it to those folks I felt I could be open with because my dad was dying & I needed to be able to update the people who wanted to know how he was doing without being Debbie Downer to a crowd of folks who didn't know him. I guess now that he's gone I could try to be more sociable.
posted by toastedbeagle 25 June | 17:46
The Original || A good new Planet of the Apes movie?