MetaChat - Crazymaking relationships

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05 April 2011

Crazymaking relationships What drives me craziest about my ex is his persistent delusion that he broke my heart to pieces. When I try to explain that's not how it went down, my protestations only reinforce his belief. It's like the Miranda warning where "anything you say may be held against you". How do people deal with this kind of crazymaking in relationships? →[More:] This particular relationship is over except for occasional emails (always initiated by him), but it seems to happen in a lot of relationships, that the more you explain, the less you are believed. How do you keep your sanity in these situations?

post by: serena at: 14:24 | 19 comments

Get shorter and sweeter each time. E.g., at this point whenever he refers to his well known breaking of your heart, you may want to just say, "Wrong." Then move on.

The less interested you are in arguing about this, the more you demonstrate how in error he is. And vice versa. Strange, I know.

posted by bearwife 05 April | 14:28

What bearwife said. Why do you need to convince him of anything at all?

posted by Obscure Reference 05 April | 14:31

Don't talk to him. If you have children together and you have to talk, just stick to the subject of the kids. When he tries to bring up the past, just say 'have a good week, see you next time.'

posted by toastedbeagle 05 April | 14:49

You don't. I'm currently in a situation with a petty tyrant where anything I say is interpreted to mean "you just don't like change". You either keep fighting, and hope you can remain strong enough, or leave, possibly taking the good parts away as well. Wouldn't it be nice if life were simpler?

posted by Melismata 05 April | 15:02

It's a cliche but...you can't control other people, only how you react to them. If you have to deal with the ex for some reason, just try to be amused by his (?) cluelessness.

posted by JoanArkham 05 April | 15:29

Yeah. Laugh a little whenever he brings it up. Just nod and do the "whatever you say" thing. It will drive him crazy ;)

posted by iconomy 05 April | 16:20

Just flag it and move on ;-)

Yeah, either just shrug, say 'whatever' then act like he didn't say anything or, if you really want to drive him nuts, just completely ignore what he says, pause and move on with whatever conversation you have to have.

posted by dg 05 April | 16:45

Or you could use that political line that was so effective: Just laugh a little and roll your eyes and say, "There you go again".

Better yet, don't deal with him at all if you can possibly avoid it.

posted by Kangaroo 05 April | 17:24

I was in a situation like this, in a small town where it was all but impossible to avoid my ex. I avoided him when I could and was polite but impersonal when I couldn't; he, on the other hand, would put a hand on my shoulder and give me big pity-eyes. He did not notice that within weeks of him dumping me, I was singing in the streets at the delight of being single. Turns out I wasnt miserable to be dumped; I was miserable WITH HIM.

Then he cornered me in a busy coffeehouse and loudly apologized AGAIN for breaking my heart and ruining my life.... and I snorted coffee out my noise in amusement. I managed to swallow my laughter, but the friends I was sitting with did not.

He, uh, stopped doing that.

posted by Elsa 05 April | 17:44

"Well, bless your heart. If that's what you have to tell yourself...", said serena, with a nod and a look of pity.

posted by deborah 05 April | 19:00

deborah's got it :)

posted by gaspode 05 April | 19:02

Oh yeah, goading, trying to draw someone out and get a response, and then feeding off that, is a disgusting ex behavior.

There's no reason or purpose for you to care anything about what he believes or how he sees the world. There's no future in it.

posted by fleacircus 05 April | 19:51

E-mailing an ex over and over again to insist that you crushed them, you broke their heart into a million pieces?

Wow, talk about creepy. With a capital fucking CREE-PY.

Dude needs to move on. And get some hobbies.

My suggestion: Don't take the bait. Don't respond. Either block him or delete the missives as soon as they arrive. You don't owe him any of your time or emotional energy.

posted by jason's_planet 05 April | 22:05

Yeah, I'm with those who say "creepy." Why's this guy even still emailing you? Sounds like he's getting something out of his imagination about how things are/were, and he's trying to keep the interaction alive by continuing to write you...I don't know if there's a really good reason why you're still in touch, but it sounds like the kind of thing I like to give a one-way ticket out of my life.

posted by Miko 05 April | 23:09

He has a reality, and nothing you say is going to dislodge it. What makes me able to deal w/ my ex- really well is that now that our son is an adult, and lives elsewhere, I hardly ever see or hear from him. Ignore him and his errant ways.

posted by theora55 06 April | 12:04

I hardly ever see or hear from the ex. Gonna see The Boy soon; can't wait.

posted by theora55 06 April | 12:04

If that's what you have to tell yourself...

I think this is it, in one form or another. Maybe he needs to believe this for his own self-image. Or maybe he actually doesn't believe it, but keeps saying it anyway because it annoys you, and he needs to feel like he's somehow "winning" that way.

The thing is, you don't need to know which of those reasons is the truth, or it's maybe some other reason. Just pick whichever one makes it easiest for you not to get annoyed, and assume that's the reason. Deborah's suggested reply works great for both, so I'm getting at how you feel about it when it happens.

posted by FishBike 06 April | 12:32

Ignore. Radio silence. The delete button is your friend.

posted by jeoc 06 April | 21:36

thanks everybody...

posted by serena 07 April | 13:29

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