right now I'm avoiding instigating the whole round of bath/PJs/teefs etc. with the kid. She is off in our bedroom doing gods knows what, and my husband is out at a work function. I am too tired to deal with this...

I have a project that is literally causing my brain to default when I try to do it.

Like I'll sit down to work on it, and then the size of it will hit me, and without thinking I'll send up on the other side of the house. Doing Something. I've never had an avoidance reaction this strong. In recent memory I have approached said project's outline and broke into open weeping rather then deal with revising it.

I am avoiding work.

Nothing distracts me from the really anxiety-inducing stuff.

I feel like I should go out tonight, but have no real motivation to do so.

I mostly ust really impressed with how sophisticated my brain's attempts to avoid working on This Fucking Thing are. Like I can sit down with a complete attack plan and then sit motionless for 30 minutes staring into space - cause I assigned 30 min to work on it - and while I can feel myself shutting down and aware of what's happening, I can't stop it. Half the time it feels like I'm under a hex or something. I should go burn some leaves and red dust.

Kid in bed yay!
Now I can work.

sometimes my life is not so great :/

on the plus side, a nice little neighborhood bar, with fantastic beer and specializing in fancy grilled cheeses and cheese platters opened up right around the corner from us. We went there for a quiet this afternoon and the owner gave the kid a banana.
shame we are moving soon.

I cannot start to go into how happily I am not dealing with something. I have been driving myself crazy with how to do it and I have incapacitated myself from the useless effort of banging against that impervious and completely penetrable wall. I have enforced a break on myself because it has built itself up to phobia standards. I will persevere, but not today.

Instead of working I am playing bridge online.

Instead of working or going out, I am watching TV (a documentary called Monster Camp about LARPers).

Cleaning and packing the house. I don't even have another place yet, but I have a burning need to Pack Things. But at the same time I'm luxuriating in the fact that I have a laptop with internet while the kids are playing on the home computer. Freeeedoooooooom!

I'm even going to avoid posting about it.

I am procrastinating on showering, which I would like to do before dinner. Then we will go see a movie.

I am, however, cooking part of dinner. Marcela Hazan's recipe for "Assunta's Beans," cannelini beans cooked over low heat for a long time with olive oil, sage, and garlic. It's starting to smell really good. So I am being productive and lazy at the same time. SCORE!

I did no laundry today! I could have and should have but did not.

Yesterday I did 3 loads of laundry, worked all day, stopped at the store, came home and played with my kid and cooked a pot of soup for dinner.

Today, no laundry. Tomorrow, laundry.

Tonight: Been looking at the Supermoon. I'm not sure if it looks 14% bigger, but it sure looks beautiful.

Fine, I did some work. Husband still not home. My basketball bracket, which was sucking anyway is now completely bust because I had Pittsburgh winning. yeah.

Opened a beer. Turned work computer off.

I need to work on grad school applications, but instead I watched Terminator: Revenge of the Fallen. I thought the Autobots wouldn't win because they are all American cars. Except they're Mexican? That was sort of confusing.

You can procrastinate by helping me think of that "law" in computer science that says processing speed doubles every x amount of time. What am I thinking of?

Moore's law isn't exactly that to my knowledge, but it may be what you're thinking about.

I am avoiding folding Mount Cleanlaundry which is sitting there, on our couch....growing every day. We keep washing and drying laundry and. just. not. folding. it. There are like five loads of laundry piled up. Pretty much anything in the world is able to distract me from it.

I'm proactivating on going to the heath to go running; it's lovely weather. In doing so I'm procrastinating on more important things.

My best friend down in Virginia and I have a letter writing project going (actual letters, if you know what I mean -- mine are done on the manual typewriter), and I keep putting off writing the next one because I feel like I don't have anything upbeat to say.

I have two interviews tomorrow morning, one with a famous British-American actress and the other with a historian on the American invasion of Grenada. I have an immense interest in the Grenada conflict, but it's so dense and packed with so many names that I've been freezing up instead of distilling my far-too-voluminous notes into interesting, radio-friendly questions. I've also been working until midnight all this week, so I have about zero mental or emotional bandwidth to finish this stuff. I promised him a copy of the questions by last Friday so he'd have the weekend to review them, which I obviously haven't delivered.

I will finish it, because I'll be in that production booth at 8AM tomorrow no matter what, but damn if I'm not standing here watching the little numbers on my vaporizer climb to a nice, inviting 350 degrees...

When are you moving, gaspode? It sucks to leave a good neighborhood.

I am back to actively not doing work I need to do. Damn that pile of work that will just take two solid days of effort, I refuse you for an evening.

Excuse me for interrupting, but, Whelk? Honey? Snap out of it!


You're welcome.