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07 September 2010

Upset Angry Resentful and Sulking. This is a whining thread [More:]I'm lonely and bored. My husband stays up late and sleeps all day. I have no reason to be upset. The kids are at school, so they are not witnessing lazy, unproductive parents. I have numerous things to do (clean, walk, read, prep walls for painting, go someplace like the library, park, or the stores).

I wish I were more cheerful and had a lighter mood about things. I wish I could let it go. I wish I had the maturity to behave in such as way that would be bring me more happiness instead of concentrating on the negative. I'm wallowing in a mixture of self-righteousness and self-pity. I hate feeling this way.

I've been a bit of a bitch lately. Last night my husband asked me to watch a movie with him. I could have given it a chance but instead I told him no way: "The critics hated it and I'm not even wasting my time." I was trying to sleep last night and he was clanking an ice cream bowl. I yelled to shut the hell up with that clanking.
Aw, man! That sucks. I've been there. (Without the kids and all, but you know.)

Can you maybe make a list for yourself and set a goal of completing just one of these things every hour or every day or whatever? Or is there some sort of busy work thing, or small but meaningful place needing cleaning, that you can complete and feel accomplished about?
posted by Madamina 07 September | 09:46
At least you're astute enough to recognise you're feeling this way and that you have the awareness to know you don't like it and want to do something about it.

Maybe you and your husband could have a Date Night, where just the two of you have some fun together, or even just some no-kids time together, give you a chance to reconnect.
posted by Senyar 07 September | 09:50

I'm just not as good with words as I'd like to be, but I'll give you tons of hugs and an ear to vent into.
posted by redvixen 07 September | 09:55
This might be out of left field, but I seem to remember you saying a while back that you had never had a night away from your kids. Has that changed?

Could it be time to take a couple of days vacation alone with the hubs and reconnect outside of your everyday lives?
posted by gaspode 07 September | 09:58
Upset Angry Resentful and Sulking

Rearrange the letters and you get RAUS, which is the noise I make when I feel that way. When I make it, my face looks like this:

≡ Click to see image ≡

Clearly, I feel your pain.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 07 September | 11:02
I am grumpy and dopey and sneezy and probably some other dwarfs I'm not remembering too because the smoke from the wildfires woke me up around 3.30 then I stayed awake all tossing and turning and GRAR. and now my head hurts and my throat is sore and my voice is all scratchy and gross.

I am also cranky because I have all this cognitive dissonance: on the one hand I'm all pouty because goddammit, FIRE, and now we can't go ride our bikes up in the canyons this weekend like we have been planning ever since we got our new shiny cyclocross bikes a couple of weeks ago, because, well, every road we wanted to go explore will be a blackened ashy pits-of-Mordor wasteland. Not to mention they'll probably still be shut down, if not actively still burning.

on the other hand it really sucks for those families who lost homes, and it sucks that I am selfish about our plans.

it just sucks.

posted by lonefrontranger 07 September | 11:53
Madamina, you're right. If I complete a task I will feel better about things.

We do need to reconnect, senyar. I'll be completely honest and blame myself for not being connected at the moment. Sometimes I cut off my nose to spite my face. I'll go to bed instead of watching something with my husband. It's like I'm dissatisfied and I want him to know about it, dammit. It's really stupid. He is always making bids for my attention and a lot of times I turn him down because I can't lighten up. It's ridiculous and juvenile. I don't want to paint myself as a drama queen -- I'm not -- but this is how I behave sometimes.

gaspode, my husband and I have never had a getaway. We're going to see David Sedaris in Gainesville. We'll stay over that night. I'm looking forward to it, even if it isn't until April!

We are so busy with the daily grind: homework (my big kid has so much homework it's not even funny), piano, baseball. It's not so bad but we are so busy and sometimes my patience wears thin. My life is fairly easy but a lot of times I feel overwhelmed. I can be a perfectionist and since I cannot keep everything perfect I can be unbearable.

I just got home from the hairdressers and I feel a bit better. It was fun to yak for two hours about nothing.

My husband called me and told me he was going to buy me the new Tim Gunn book at Barnes and Noble since he is the neighborhood. I'm excited to get my hands on it.

Thanks for letting me talk about this stupid bullshit. It's all it is really. :-)
posted by LoriFLA 07 September | 12:54
Sometimes I cut off my nose to spite my face. I'll go to bed instead of watching something with my husband. It's like I'm dissatisfied and I want him to know about it, dammit.

Haaaa! We're twins, I definitely know the feeling.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 07 September | 13:15
As per Sedaris. . .If you can remember until then, get there early with something for him to sign. He is more gracious and friendly than I have ever seen a celebrity be. He seems to know that his fans pretty much pay for his life, as he presently enjoys it.

And Lori, if it helps, msali and I were just kidding.

posted by danf 07 September | 13:23
Ha, I never saw that thread. That's hilarious. I'm touched.

danf, thanks for the heads up about Sedaris. I am so going to bring something.

lfr, I feel your pain. I've done the same thing. Is this hurricane/illness/emergency going to ruin MY plans?
posted by LoriFLA 07 September | 13:36
posted by brujita 07 September | 14:17
LoriFLA, I'm glad that you were able to get some you-time.

LFR, I put the Boulder meetup pix up. The group shot didn't come out that well, but NailsTheKitten did!
posted by brujita 07 September | 15:08
Sounds like you worked your way out of it pretty well, Lor. If I may, try not to give much weight to passing moods. Moods will be moods. They pass. They don't always mean anything (they generally don't, in fact -- our minds just look for why we're feeling a certain way when really there is no "reason").

And, not to make you feel bad, but try not to take it out on your hubby. I know it can be hard, because he's there, and you're feeling lousy, and it can be galling if he's not, but, I'm gonna be tough here, you have to demand more of yourself. Not allow yourself to take your moods out on him. It's very serious. It can ruin a marriage/relationship over time. Doesn't sound like things are that dire for you, but it can escalate and be hard to come back from, a kind of slow erosion. Let him know you're feeling out of sorts and need some alone time maybe, but don't take it out on him. People will only take so much. As for being lonely and bored, as I'm sure you know (took me a long time to learn, though), someone can only share your life; they can't make you happy. And happiness, after all, is just a mood, too. Comes and goes. At surprising moments sometimes. Look to make yourself happy and you'll be happier with your husband, too.

Might sound strange, but I always feel better when I'm working, too. As a teacher, summers off sound great, but I get just as you said after a couple weeks, lonely and bored. Maybe more work would help, while the kids are in school? (Nursing, right?) Nothing takes you out of your own head better than work. Plus you're too tired to worry about feeling lonely or bored anymore, so there's that. Just a thought.

(Sorry to sound so "Dear Abby" here, it's just I've been there, and it can be easy to lose what you forget to appreciate. Glad you seem to be feeling better, though.)
posted by Pips 07 September | 20:45
Hey Pips, you are so right. I need to be reminded of this. I gave myself an attitude adjustment today. I've been a lunatic.

You are absolutely right. I do have to demand more of myself. It's not fair and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship. I always feel terrible when I'm moody and mean, so what is the point? Nothing good comes from it. I just get in these moods where I feel overwhelmed and don't feel acknowledged. The truth of the matter is, is that my husband does just as much, if not more than I do.

Yesterday I came home from work and the house was trashed. The kids hadn't started on their homework. My husband's friend was over. Every light was on and every door was open. I was like, what the hell?. Husband gave me a very cheerful greeting and I brushed him off and was grumpy. There was no reason for it. I feel foolish as I'm typing it out.

I am going to actively work on this. It's not that I'm bitchy all of the time but once in a while I can be unbearable. I'm going practice lightening up, being fair, and acting the way I want to feel.
posted by LoriFLA 09 September | 13:56
Pips, that is without a doubt some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard.

I feel foolish as I'm typing it out.

LoriFLA, that's something I try to keep in my mind: how will I feel about this moment after it's passed? In the moment, I know exactly how I feel: I feel as if my fit of pique or my annoyance or my malaise is perfectly reasonable. After the fact, I'll feel rotten about expressing it so brusquely. That helps me keep an even keel.

... though I have to admit that a confluence of events has soured my spirits lately. The big struggle for me is striking a balance between acknowledging my mood (which is reasonable) and letting myself get bogged down in it (which is bad for me and for everyone around me).
posted by Elsa 09 September | 14:09
Yeah, Elsa, I'm with you. I have a couple of rules for myself: first, I let myself be pissy and whiny and sad and whatever if the situation calls for it, or if I am alone. The key is not to be pissy and whiny and sad when it is inappropriate to do so, like being out in public or taking it out on my partner or having an important event with someone... important. It's really... important to get those feelings out and maybe hash through them, out loud or otherwise, so they won't come up when they really need to not do so.

The other thing is that I now realize how easy it is for me to wind myself up in a spiral of crazy -- the "I forgot to put my earrings in" to the "I forget EVERYTHING" to the "NOBODY LOVES ME AND I'M FAT AND STUPID." So I sort of snap myself back to reality by saying, "Mads, you're globalizing like wow. Quit it." If you have to wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you get into this pattern, do it. Just recognize it and realize that it's a discrete thing, not a neverending condition -- and certainly not The Truth.
posted by Madamina 09 September | 14:38
Oh, Madamina, you are singing my song. I just need to focus. Even if the focusing is just about what I'm pissed off about. Ha. Thanks for the reminder.
posted by toastedbeagle 09 September | 15:53
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