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10 June 2010

Advice on drama-riffic situation? Thinking about calling up my mom and Getting Some Things Off My Chest. Is this a Bad Idea? Any advice from people who've dealt with similar?→[More:]

"Short" deets:

Ever hear the phrase "red-headed stepchild?" That was me, literally*, although I was too young and too close to the situation to appreciate the eponymetaphoricalism. Got through a fairly oppressive and mind-fuck-filled upbringing; finished high school with highest SAT scores in class and successful appearance on Teen Jeopardy - I was a punk rocker but not a useless fuckup. A year later I get cut off from college funding by my poverty-pleading folks (who were at the time trying to send my younger half-brother to prep school) with the reasoning that I was studying the arts, which wouldn't ever make me any money.

Fast forward 15 or so years and I'm a few credits short of a BA (impossible to get financial aid when your family's got dough), have ruinous health problems that've recently qualified me for SSDI (I've probably been qualified for a long time but was raised to shun "handouts"), "summer teeth," and a well-honed sense of resentment that's made me a compassionate vegetarian socialist who roots for underdogs but also a depressed, anxious wreck when I'm not on my medicine. I look back on a lifetime of unsuccessful interpersonal relationships with people all too similar to the people I grew up with -

I also have a severely awesome rock-star girlfriend who's somehow agreed to marry me. Took my mom a few weeks to acknowledge the news of the engagement, then another couple to get a response from her on whether she'd attend and/or help out with expenses.

If she's being straight-up about this, then cool. But I don't trust her, because I don't have any reason to - she's overpromised and underdelivered way too many times on things I've come to realize are basic parent-child relations. DSM-twiddlers may appreciate my cod-diagnosis of my mom and stepdad as examples of, respectively, the histrionic and narcissistic subtypes.

I very much want to call her to clear the air and make explicit my feelings on her, my stepdad (who hasn't initiated any conversation since I moved out at 18, which I think I'm glad about), &c. Yes, there's a whole lot more stupid, fucked-up stuff that happened and still happens. I'm trying to keep this short, OK? ;)

2010 for me has been about new outlooks, trying new things, letting go of negative past behaviors - should I just cut off contact entirely? Formally disinvite? Wait for them to fuck up then shrug resignedly? I hate drama, hate hate hate the drama llama, but have no idea how to deal with this situation in any way that'll guarantee an outcome that'll be positive for me in the short or long term, and giving a call and laying things out in an organized fashion would be a huge weight off my mind.

There's a year before the lady and I get hitched; I don't want to spend it fretting about stupid shit like this when there's plenty of other stupid shit I could be fretting about more productively.

If you've read this far: thanks. If you've got advice that's not just "Let it go, man! Be at peace!" then please post it, email me, or hit me up on chat. If you've got naught but snark then kindly shove it <3

ps AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (shatters stone obelisk; my name, apparently, is a killing word)

* the "Cinderella Effect" is also quite applicable

post by: jtron at: 13:04 | 16 comments

After my own very minor (by comparison) bit of familial drama over routes of communication, I'm a proponent of being open with everything. What's the worst thing that could happen? They disown you?

If the options are A) tell Mom everything and get over with it, B) tell Mom some things in the hopes that she'll be decent and attend the wedding, and C) tell Mom nothing and cut all family ties, it seems like A and C get to the same place in a worst case scenario. Or, things are spotty for a while, and Mom comes to terms with what you said over the course of a year and attends the wedding with less awkwardness for things unsaid.

Ways to say it:
1) Over the phone means no physical contact, either party can break it off quickly and easily, but no eye contact. It's not as personal.

2) In a letter, where you can say everything without getting interrupted, you can write and re-write until you get your ideas out with the right amount of emotion, but it can be ignored or thrown away. If you choose this, I'd say stick with mail, because it's too easy to delete an email in anger, then want to read it later and not have it around.

3) Meet in person - if you're close enough to do so easily and without significant cost, I'd go for this route. It might end in shouting and tears, or you might come to terms and hug or something (I don't know how you or she feel about hugs, maybe this is a good or bad thing).

Good luck!

posted by filthy light thief 10 June | 13:41

Just regarding the wedding?

My reaction to the situation would be to invite to wedding with no expectations. Don't ask for any help with paying for the wedding, or help with the wedding in any way, because that's just sending Drama an engraved invitation. Treat them politely, and ignore anything else they might do.

That's just me. Obviously there are as many ways to deal with this sitch as there are people in the world...

posted by gaspode 10 June | 13:47

My two cents:

If you want to avoid drama do not even think about cutting them off. That only creates more strife and I have a feeling you will not suddenly be at ease once you "cut off contact entirely". In my opinion, severing ties only creates more anxiety and heartache. I am aware that it is necessary to sever ties in some cases but if your mother still has an interest in your life and is not cruel, I would not cut her off.

My advice would be to live and operate with what you know. You know they are unreliable. You believe they are possibly narcissists. If they are in fact narcissists, an outpouring of emotion and airing grievances will not affect them. I would invite them to the wedding an expect nothing. Pay for the wedding yourselves and forget about them chipping in. Reach out to them, be the better man, and do not expect anything in return.

If you would like to have a heart to heart I would do it in a non-confrontational way in-person. Over the phone is a bad idea.

posted by LoriFLA 10 June | 13:51

I think you need to establish clearly what it is that you're looking for. The money is a red herring; of course we ALL want more money, wherever it comes from, and unless you're starving, you don't strictly NEED money from your parents. Do you want acknowledgement that your fiancée (congrats!) is an awesome lady? Acknowledgment that you must be a great guy to get such an awesome lady? Do you want acknowledgment that they prioritized your brother's education over yours, or an apology for being dismissive of your career choice? Do you want an honest answer as to whether she's really going to attend the wedding/help you with expenses?

You want to "make explicit your feelings" but you don't say what they are, you just list what has happened. Are you resentful? Angry? Hurt? Jealous? Resigned? Skeptical?

I had a conversation with my mother some years ago where I dragged out the whole litany of my childhood tragedies. The important part was that she was ready and willing to deal with that. Dropping this on your parents could be like dropping a bomb, and you will probably not get tears and hugs and apologies because they will be in MUST DEFEND SELF mode. It's not really good for anyone. You need to acknowledge the impact that it has had on you without falling into the victim/perpetrator trap.

Me, I'd write a letter and phrase it like so: "Mom, I know we talked about [wedding stuff] last week, but it's hard for me to trust you because of [several events from childhood]. I would really like to trust you, and it's important to me that you attend my wedding. I want us to have a good relationship; I want to be able to talk to you about work and life and my relationship with [fiancée]. It's been difficult for us, and I know I've been distant because I've felt [emotion] towards you and [stepdad], but I want to move past this, and it's important to me that we can talk openly about everything we've been through. Can we [meet for lunch/talk on the phone] at [day,time,place]?"

Yes, this is going to be NERVE WRACKING because she may well just say "screw you, I have no idea what you're talking about." OTOH, your current approach changes nothing. You say you want to cut them off, ostensibly just to have some closure, but if you didn't care, you would have done that by now. There will be no spontaneous outpouring of apology from them as long as you wait and silently seethe. You don't have to look at it as "being the bigger person," which in some people's minds = weakness. You can look at it as confidently taking control of the situation, instead of having been powerless for years.

And as an aside:

I'm a few credits short of a BA (impossible to get financial aid when your family's got dough)

For financial aid purposes, you should be considered financially independent from your parents by now. If 18+15 makes you at least 33?

omg this is almost as long as the original

posted by desjardins 10 June | 13:57

This is all excellent advice, and I thank you all for it. Face-to-face ain't happening anytime soon due to physical distance (Northeast/Chicago). And I guess what I want is APOLOGIES AND REPARATIONS ;) but neither of those are gonna happen anytime soon, so.

des: I am totally using that form-letter. It's like I AM VERY MAD Libs! (Also: was finishing up school a couple years back, got sick and dropped out, approaching bankruptcy due to a couple surgeries I needed while still a student - but getting that shit dealt with is next on the agenda)

posted by jtron 10 June | 14:06

Cutting off or not regardless, I'd say don't ask for or expect, and just downright refuse, any offers to help pay for the wedding (or anything else for that matter). I know financial help would be awesome, but honestly, money will just complicate things. If you're wishing to patch things up with your family and restart with a better relationship, it's better to do it on a level playing field where there's no sense of being beholden or owing anything (whether you feel beholden for accepting money, or giving them fodder to feel like they can treat you as being beholden to them or giving them more ammo to fight unfairly). It also makes it that much easier if you do finally decide to just cut them off for your own sanity. I mean who knows, they might be receptive and absolutely lovely about helping you guys out, but really, I'd vote that it's just better to not have to deal with it either way. And trust me, if it gets ugly, you'll so have those thrown right back in your face.

If my mom ever taught me one anything I will always wholeheartedly agree with, it's that it's best to go through life not owing anybody anything.

posted by kkokkodalk 10 June | 14:20

Nthing the suggestion to not ask them to help monetarily with the wedding. But I'd say that if your mom wants to help the bridal party make centerpieces or favors or whatever, that's probably ok as long as she's not buying anything. Spending time with the fiancee doing could maybe help mom appreciate the severely awesome rock-star qualities the fiancee has. Maybe?

Honesty is certainly the best policy, so I'm all for the heart-to-heart. Just don't threaten to cut them off - worst case scenario, that might happen on it's own - but actually saying it will probably make things worse.

posted by youngergirl44 10 June | 14:52

What gaspode and LoriFLA said. Also, congrats to you both on the engagement and on reaching a point towards the positive in your life.

posted by BoringPostcards 10 June | 15:42

can I just pop in here and say: totally have no advice but WEHEY congrats on the wedding bells ringing for you and [fiancée]!

posted by dabitch 10 June | 15:54

What is your goal?

I grew up with a bipolar Mom, and a Dad who escaped into his work, and I'm so very sorry for your troubles. But your Mom isn't going to respond with anything like "You know, you're right, I apologize." It will be more drama and angst. If you want her to know how you feel, tell her. If you want things to change, then change your own behavior.

I moved 1,000 miles away. I lived w/out a phone for a year in the Dark Years before mobile phones, just so Mom couldn't give me crap by phone. When she was raging and angry and taking it out on her kids, I told her I couldn't listen when she was disrespectful, and quietly hung up. I went 15 years without visiting for a holiday, because Christmases and Thanksgivings were alcohol-fueled dramafests. When I visited at all, I made sure I rented a car, and if things got ugly, I left.

Eventually, she learned that I would not tolerate bad behavior from her. She never stopped trying to manipulate me. There were some fantastic times when she was really there for me; other times when she pulled the rug out from under me. Because I distanced myself from her, I didn't have a great Mom:daughter relationship, but I also didn't get tied up in knots trying to deal with her.

Know what you want from her, then you'll know what you should do.

posted by theora55 10 June | 16:57

theora55: I could've written your second and third paragraphs. You're not alone :)

One more round of thanks to everyone from myself and my better half!

posted by jtron 10 June | 21:44

Congratulations on the wedding.

My $.02 is to write the letter but not send it.

posted by brujita 11 June | 01:32

you will not get what you want from this approach.

In order to treat you the way they did in their heads they had to justify it in some way.
While incredibly unfair to you, that justification allows them to keep looking at themsleves in the mirror in the morning.

to see things your way would threaten the construct they use to get through each day. It is likely they will become so defensive, they will lash out at you, call you a trouble-maker, and emphasise yet again why they invested in your half-brother instead of you.
I say this from experience, actually make efforts to ensure they have as little as possible to do with you in the future. Allowing them to contribute to your wedding, encourages their particularly toxic view of you and can always be thrown back in your face when necessary, don't do it.

The single best thing I did was save for my own wedding, even though that meant it had to be smaller than my family normally expects. The power to simply say, no, we don't want to do that, no we will not be inviting that person, no, we don't like that gift list that colour, whatever, was simply priceless.

Parents like this cannot give you what you are clearly looking for, some closure, some recognition you were treated like shit, some unconditional love.

You will find these things within, therapy helps as does a loving partner and good friends. It took me 20 years and it still hurts but I owe them nothing.

posted by Wilder 11 June | 13:07

I kept this open last night because I was all "hey me too!" but then I slept on it and woke up still thinking "hey me too!" I have two non-functional [divorced] parents who are decent people. The decent people part makes it hard since there is no place to put all my "oh my god these people are terrible parents, they are SO BAD, etc" and I'm an adult lady!

I used to worry about getting married because I couldn't bear the thought of spending all of my pre-wedding time worrying about whether my father would not show up, or get drunk and embarass me or of my mother would complain about something and spend all her time at my wedding haranguing me about how she was having a shitty time. They are literally so wrapped up in their own dramas they have no decent inter-relationships with other people. I try hard not to be them.

But it's hard, isn't it, to just want them to throw down and just be there for you one goddamned time ever? However, they won't. Or not reliably, and it's the reliably deal that I think is what you're after. I don't think either of my parents even thinks they're unreliable, so it wouldn't occur to them to, say, promise to not flip out because they don't think of themsevles as flipping out.

theora55 pretty much has said what I want to say about boundaries. And there's also an important other part which is once you're an adult, the other people in your life trust you about your boundaries. I mean sure I have casual friends who are like "oh come on your dad can't be THAT bad..." and, well, they're wrong and I'm okay with that. So if you don't want to invite your parents or make them part of your wedding., don't. If people don't understand you can explain or not. But, my advice is to not make this into your own drama. You have a chance to work out a nice adult life with someone who loves you and with whom you will hopefully not replicate the disasters that your parents were.

So as far as your wedding [again, yay] I'd make some boundaries for yourself. Ask your mom for money if you want, say you need it by some date, and if the date passes, it's gone to you. Tell your mom you're inviting her and then if she turns it into a drama factory tell her you love her but you have a lot of people to deal with and her concerns are not going to become your central concerns. Then hang up the phone and walk away. She is not your child, she is expected to act like an adult and you may have to leave her on her own to figure out how to do that.

This does not have to become your drama. Talk to your rock star girlfriend and plan some you+her stategies [this is what being a couple is all about] and present a united front to the broken people you may want to invite. Snuggle back in your functioning relationship when other people are being unreasonable. Good luck with your new life.

posted by jessamyn 11 June | 13:26

In order to treat you the way they did in their heads they had to justify it in some way.
While incredibly unfair to you, that justification allows them to keep looking at themsleves in the mirror in the morning.

This is one of the most insightful things I've read, Wilder.

posted by Elsa 11 June | 13:31

dammit how do I mark as best answer

posted by jtron 11 June | 14:09

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