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02 June 2010

do any of you feel this duality not really knowing how to go about 'vibing' with a person even though you can talk to them about things, like selective introversion[More:]

See, for me, communication = conversation. Conversation = talking about something specific. So I can go for hours talking about specific things with someone. But that's too serious, almost. I need to figure out what goes on in those huge chasms of conversation that aren't about materially grasping at some discrete idea/concept/issue.

I've kinda been like that, in that e.g. if I'm in class I can go on forever but the second class ends and I'm with the person I was *JUST* talking to about erthing, obviously they don't want to talk about that thing outside of class, so what? It's a tough nut to crack.

I'm gonna start approaching it like a project, like if I'm accompanying a kid somewhere, obviously we have very little in common but seeing what we can get at, off and on.

I wouldn't worry about it but (a) it's a roadblock in forming more intimate connections, and (b) a lot of people advance themselves in a social context by forming soft personal connections with people with whom they have formal dealings (there's an afterparty following this conference) and being able to tap into that is nice..
Not weird! It means you're gelling with someone enough to talk about Things and Interests but you're not both geeking out into each other omg lets go get sodas! It's a social level you both are in, a middle ground, and totally acceptable.
posted by The Whelk 02 June | 20:16
Sounds like you need to be a little more comfortable with chit-chat or small talk, just being friendly about nothing specific as a means of just being sociable.
posted by The Whelk 02 June | 20:18
Yeah, small talk, I guess is exactly what we're getting at here. I guess to some degree you gotta put some effort into it, reading the other person, figuring out what to say, and so on.. of course some people you're just not gonna gel with and that's fine.. To be honest I'm more concerned with point (a) these days than (b), the latter part just gets handled when you take more risks ('hey we met earlier, how're you liking things so far.. btw, is there an afterparty? I'd like to come')
posted by Firas 02 June | 20:46
that's fine, measure your level of being okay with things, it helps to be a kinda of distracted interviewer, asking questions about them "oh where did you get that XYZ" "How did you hear about X" etc and allow them to carry the conversation and direct it toward whatever.


Of course you get a bunch of nerds doing this and nothing goes anywhere but that's just life.
posted by The Whelk 02 June | 20:53
Yeah the interviewer thing is on-point. Not to bombard 'em with questions but just picking up on things and so on.. man, not to get all high school but some people just 'beam' and it's strange to figure out how to get to that level of putting people at comfort. I'm gonna try to impersonate them, like "what would courtney from high school say right now?" lol. ← when I think about these people though, a lot of them have exaggerated mannerisms which isn't really my style. I smile a lot so I have that going for me at least.
posted by Firas 02 June | 21:08
I can talk with anyone I want to talk with. It's always been my one true talent. The only time I ever have issues with social interaction is when I am doubting myself or having a loss of confidence.

When I feel right about myself it seems conversation is effortless. I don't know if that answers your question though.
posted by arse_hat 02 June | 23:29
Yeah I'm just musing aloud mainly so feel free to say whatever comes to mind.
posted by Firas 02 June | 23:52
True friendship is so difficult. I've had about a dozen really close friends at various points in my life (I'm 43), but they generally seem to fade out of my life after a year or few. Close friends I never thought that would happen with. I just expect it now, so it doesn't sting so much, though maybe it does keep me from getting that close.

Jon says people like me, but really I'm a crabby bastard that puts people off. I generally don't have the energy for people (case in point: it's 6:15pm and I'm in my nightshirt, about to hit the bed and watch the news), so good for you for wanting to try. The friends I've had generally seem to pick me, so I have no idea how to go about it. At the moment, my only close friend that I see regularly is my hubby, which is fine. That lack of "vibe" you feel is probably people backing off. Maybe take a chance and ask someone to go get that cup of coffee or drink. Keep it light, see how it goes. Or you could be a happy hermit like me. : )
posted by Pips 03 June | 17:20
Hi Pips. Yeah I know what you mean, I'm pretty good at being by myself too. But you got the partner part locked down and that's a tough one to manage while being a happy hermit :) This is like having to buy an expensive specialized tool for just one of its uses lol
posted by Firas 03 June | 21:43
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