Oh Capn my Capn, what will make my neck feel better? I'm already on tons of ibuprofen and got a massage yesterday. It's been hurting for over a week!

Dear Capn,

Which is better -- a bird, or a toaster?

Oh Capn my Capn, what will make my neck feel better? I'm already on tons of ibuprofen and got a massage yesterday. It's been hurting for over a week!

Wow, sounds like a real pain-in-the-neck! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! HA! Oh, excuse me... pain in the neck! I never! Ha.

Anyway, you know who never complains about neck pain? Vampires! Go see a vampire and show him/her your neck, and it will get taken care of right quick!

Dear Capn,
How do I get my dog to be a little more prudish about her farting? I mean, she just farts whenever she feels like it, sometimes pointing her butt in my direction! She almost seems to luxuriate in her juicy toots, and it is driving me nuts. How can I teach her to her some manners and to be a bit more discrete when she blows ass? TIA

Good plan. I will go to Vampire-R-Us today. I mean, tonight.

Follow-up:
Should I have yoghurt or cookies for breakfast?

Dear Capn:

I have maxed out my out-of-pocket expenditure on my health insurance this year.

Therefore, anything I have done is 100% covered.

What should I have fixed?

Which is better -- a bird, or a toaster?

It depends on the kind of bird. Here is a list, from worst to best:

Northern Bobwhite
Wild Turkey
Ruffed Grouse
Spruce Grouse
Sharp-tailed Grouse
Greater Prairie Chicken
Willow Grouse
Grey Partridge
Common Pheasant
Black-bellied Whistling Duck
Fulvous Whistling Duck
Greater White-fronted Goose
Snow Goose
Ross's Goose
Canada Goose
Brent Goose
Mute Swan
Trumpeter Swan
Tundra Swan
Wood Duck
Gadwall
Eurasian Wigeon
American Wigeon
American Black Duck A
Mallard
Mottled Duck
Blue-winged Teal
Cinnamon Teal
Northern Shoveler
Northern Pintail
Garganey
Common Teal
Canvasback
Ring-necked Duck
Tufted Duck Aythya fuligula
Greater Scaup
Lesser Scaup Aythya
King Eider
Common Eider
Harlequin Duck
Surf Scoter
White-winged Scoter
Black Scoter
Long-tailed Duck/Oldsquaw
Bufflehead
Common Goldeneye
Barrow's Goldeneye
Smew
Hooded Merganser
Goosander
Red-breasted Merganser
Ruddy Duck
Eurasian Bittern
Little Bittern
Black-crowned Night Heron
Squacco Heron
Cattle Egret
Grey Heron
Purple Heron
Great Egret
Little Egret
Western Reef Egret
Toaster
Common Emu
Australian Emu
Dwarf Emu
Black Emu
Humboldt Penguin
Gentoo Penguin
Galapagos Penguin
Little Blue Penguin
Macaroni Penguin
Eastern Rockhopper Penguin
Jackass Penguin

How do I get my dog to be a little more prudish about her farting? I mean, she just farts whenever she feels like it, sometimes pointing her butt in my direction! She almost seems to luxuriate in her juicy toots, and it is driving me nuts. How can I teach her to her some manners and to be a bit more discrete when she blows ass?

http://www.graphicice.com/index.php/action/prodspec/itemID/542597287

Should I have yoghurt or cookies for breakfast?

You should have toasted yoghurt.

I have maxed out my out-of-pocket expenditure on my health insurance this year.

Therefore, anything I have done is 100% covered.

What should I have fixed?

Three words: more of everything!

17 Toes, 2 hearts, an extra ear, the sky's the limit!

Capn, I'm reading "Plague Dogs" by Richard Adams at the moment. What should I read next?

Capn do you think it's working?

Capn, what should I do about this mole?

Metachat: luxuriating in her juicy toots.

Capn, which musical instrument should I learn to play if I want to get laid?

Capn, I'm reading "Plague Dogs" by Richard Adams at the moment. What should I read next?

Nothing. You should listen to Tom Wait's Rain Dogs. Forever.

Capn do you think it's working?

No, but it had someone turn it's monitor on, put a sweater on it's chair and leave a cup of coffee on its desk. Savvy customer...

Capn, what should I do about this mole?

According to my research, Condylura cristata is found in wet, low areas of of eastern Canada and the northeastern United States, and eats insects, worms and mollusks. So, if you want to get rid of it, I suggest keeping your wet, low areas dry with talc and not feeding it.

Capn, which musical instrument should I learn to play if I want to get laid?

The Roofiephone.

The roofiephone is a tough machine to master, very tough.

Capn, I'm almost 40, and am pretty tall. Thing is, though, I'd kinda like to be EVER TALLER. Any ideas?

Capn, I don't think a roofie would take me out. How can I safely put this theory to the test?

Capn, I'm almost 40, and am pretty tall. Thing is, though, I'd kinda like to be EVER TALLER. Any ideas?

This question keeps coming up, and I'm not sure why when the answer is so simple. A.B.R.a.H... which is to say, Always Be Riding a Horse. Always. Indoors, outdoors, at meals, at night. Always.

Capn, I don't think a roofie would take me out. How can I safely put this theory to the test?

jason's_planet is forming a band, you might be interested in joining.

By the BTW, the band will be called Klimt Explosion And The Riders Of Dragon Fyrë.

Many thanks Capn.

Off to buy, or borrow long-term, a horse.

O Capn, my Capn!

Why don't I have enough hours in the day to do the stuff I like?

Why don't I have enough hours in the day to do the stuff I like?

Probably bad time-management skills and alien abduction. Mostly alien abduction.

Good stuff Capn.

Capn what? Capn gloves? Capn earmuffs?

Capn, am I too late to this thread?

Capn, am I too late to this thread?

It's never too late to make an enormous mistake.

Capn what? Capn gloves? Capn earmuffs?

You got it right the first time. Capn What. Or, when I'm "rapping", Capn What-What.