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16 December 2009

Be careful what you wish for. Ask mecha after the jump: →[More:] This is my question, and this is me with my new girl. We wanted a loving, sweet and loyal dog, and boy did we get one. Everything is going swimmingly save one very important issue: she won't leave my side. When she can, she is literally, right on. Top. Of. Me. If I leave her sight for even a few seconds she starts to wail and bark herself into a frenzy. Her ability to self-sooth seems nil.
We love our little poochie, and I know it's only been a few days, and I have spent pretty much every minute by her side. I have actually been sleeping on our downstairs couch because she won't even let me go to bed, and my husband is adamant that our bedroom is one place she will not be allowed (for the record, I agree). But, oh, the crying! We have no idea what her life was like before we got her, other than the fact that someone obviously trained her well.

Experiences, tips, suggestions? We are seeing a vet tomorrow, so he might be able to help...pharmaceutically, but that isn't a good long term solution. Is it okay to let her cry? My husband says we should try to "Ferberize" her (i.e., cry it out), but nowhere do I see that as a successful or even recommended behavioral modification training procedure for pound dogs. Crate training also seems to be controversial, and perhaps ineffective.

I think my dog is awesome, and she is my little seventy pound sunbeam, but I want to sleep in my own bed without her having a complete meltdown! Please bunnies, to the rescue!?

post by: msali at: 11:11 | 17 comments

sounds like she is insecure. (she is a beauty) If you and your husband have time. Take her to obedience classes. Even though she maybe doesn't need the obedience part it does wonders for bonding and helps her to feel more secure. I have worked with rescues and new owners and seen it work wonders. Crating works too. Feed her there, give her treats there, all good things happen there. It just sometimes takes a little time. Congratulations new mom!

posted by meeshell 16 December | 11:50

I know you say that you don't want her in the bedroom but I'm strongly going to encourage you to reconsider that. The monks of New Skete do it and I believe in them. Sleep time is also bonding time; pack sleeps together. It will definitely calm her down at night and probably speed up the time it takes for her to realize that you're not going to go away forever. I don't let my dogs on my bed (it is purely coincidental that every time I come home there is a warm dog shaped depression on my mattress and the sound of scurrying feet, oh yes) but they do sleep in my room. Under my bed, actually, so that the dog farts can rise up through the pillows, hurrah.

I don't use crates but I've seen them work really, really well for some dogs. For it to work, you need a big crate for a big dog like that, big enough for her to turn around. I would cover it with a blanket or rug or something so it's really cave like and put a nice cushy bed inside. Then, do NOT, repeat, do NOT, lock her in there. Let her go in and come out as she pleases and, yes, like meeshell says, treats and good things always happen in there. Eventually it will become her secure place but it may take some time.

posted by mygothlaundry 16 December | 12:04

(it is purely coincidental that every time I come home there is a warm dog shaped depression on my mattress and the sound of scurrying feet, oh yes)

I wish I could fave this....so freaking cute!

posted by iconomy 16 December | 13:07

She is such a pretty dog, msali. Congrats.

I am with mgl. Reconsider leaving the bedroom off limits. Even if you put a crate with the door open or dog bed right next to your bed. Let your hand dangle down so she can smell it, and you can pat her to reassure her. She will hear your breathing and your movements and it will soothe her. I find dogs (at least my dog) are a lot like babies. Sleeping with their loved ones calms the limbic system and causes them to be regulated and calm.

posted by LoriFLA 16 December | 13:13

It sounds like she's young, and she's already lived in at least three different places, so some of the separation anxiety is probably pretty reasonable at this point -- everyone in the past has, in her mind, abandoned her. I would definitely work on bonding with her while you're awake (obedience classes are a great idea), and maybe just give it a little more time before you think of it as a huge problem. (Not that you're being unreasonable now, it's just worth remembering what's gone on her life so far and contextualizing the behavior a bit in terms of that.)

posted by occhiblu 16 December | 13:25

I had a labrador with those kinds of separation issues (we also had an older dog already in the household, so the issues were to a degree mitigated). I have to agree with what everyone else has said above: you should reconsider banishing her from where you sleep when you are sleeping there (closing off the room when you're not sleeping is a different matter). For our big whiney baby, we bought a giant crate. Slept on a blanket for about a week and then, without washing the blanket, transferred it to the crate and for about a month, I spent most of the night sleeping on the floor next to the crate. (Taught the dog that "go home!" meant "go to the crate" but when he got too big for the crate, that went right out of the window!)

Obedience classes, routine and ritual all help, too. When the older dog died, the younger dog reverted to a lot of his panicky behaviors at being left alone and we developed a "going to the store" ritual to acclimate him to being alone. Until the younger dog died (many years later), the phrase "I'm going to the store" had amazing powers to soothe him, but if you left without saying "I'm going to the store" to him, he'd indulge in all sorts of high-strung destructive behaviors while you were gone.

How I miss having dogs around. Yours is lovely, though!

posted by crush-onastick 16 December | 13:35

Our dog sleeps in our bedroom also. We would not have it any other way. She's 12 now, and will "retire" before we do, walking drowsily into the our room and laying down on her bed for the night.

When she was younger, we used to banish her when physical intimacy occurred, in that it's creepy to be licked on the foot during, um, you know, but now she could care less about what we are doing.

We are her pack, and so she sleeps with us. That is just how it worked out and it's fine.

posted by danf 16 December | 13:50

I know very little about dogs, but I have several pals with larger dogs and the obedience classes they took did wonders for them, making the bond between them stronger (and installing it where there was none). She's beautiful and whatever you choose to do now to fix the current separation issues, obedience classes can not hurt.

Also, my SO is against any bedroom-pets so I get that, but at the same time I trained my cat many years before I had met him to sleep on my belly at night so he has no say in that matter. Now that my cat is old he announces that he's going to bed at night, accusingly, like "why are you staying up young lady don't you know what time it is?" and he hugs me for a good ten minutes to try and convince me to join him. When that doesn't work he'll just go to bed, and when I go to bed I carefully lift the sleeping cat-cover up to place him on my belly, the way it should be.

Drives SO nuts, mind you. But I wouldn't have it any other way. If I had a dog I'd let him/her sleep on his own bed, in my bedroom. It just makes sense to me. I want my animals near me, and I expect animals in my pack feel the same.

posted by dabitch 16 December | 14:07

Adding to the potentially unhelpful chorus of "maybe let her sleep in your room," only because it's never occurred to me to not do that. Literally everyone I know who owns a dog has it sleep in their bedroom. Not on the bed, per se(though some people I know with very small dogs do this), just in the room. My dog sleeps in my parents room in the corner on some blankets.

Also yeah, give it some time, it's only been a few days and I'd wager she's still getting acclimated to the new place.

posted by CitrusFreak12 16 December | 14:58

I know you say that you don't want her in the bedroom but I'm strongly going to encourage you to reconsider that.

Me too. Buy her a big dog pillow and let her sleep in the corner.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 16 December | 15:04

Me, the mister, and the puppy all settled in nicely when we gave up on the crate and let her sleep in the bedroom. She would cry and cry before that. I'm willing to attribute some of this to our lack of puppy skills, and she did not otherwise have separation issues - we could leave the house, but if we were in the house, by golly, she sees it as her job to be with us, including sleep time. Just another data point, you'll work out what is best for you.

posted by rainbaby 16 December | 15:12

You mentioned in your AskMe that she's crate-trained. Did you get her a crate? Maybe she's missing having a den.

Haven't had a dog in years, but the yellow lab we once had found a great spot under a big, and thankfully heavy, square table that was in a corner and sided by two couches. She basically found her own den space.

posted by lilywing13 16 December | 19:42

She's beautiful, msali. Good luck with whatever you decide to do (my advice echoes those above).

posted by deborah 16 December | 20:05

Crate her for the night. Maybe put the crate close to your room. My dogs sleep in their crates in the computer room which is actually a sitting room that you have to walk through to get to my bedroom.

Your husband may be right about just letting the dog cry and get over it. Don't make a big deal about bed time and just put her in a crate.

The dogs do occasionally sleep with me. I just don't let it become a habit.

posted by fluffy battle kitten 16 December | 22:13

+1 on crating. I was very skeptical about crating but we got a dog that was reasonably well behaved, except that when she was left home alone or if we went to sleep, she would pee on the floor. Every time.

So we tried crating. It seemed heartbreaking and inhumane before we started, but she has adapted to the crate amazingly well, to the point that it is her favorite place to snooze. We put the crate just outside our bedroom and we leave our bedroom door open during the night, so she is still very close to us. And after she goes outside to do her thing in the morning, we do let her come in the room (she likes to crawl under the bed).

Now when we are getting ready to go to bed or to go out, she reads the signs and just goes into her crate.

Your new doggie may cry and cry and cry for a few nights, but be strong. Once she's used to the crate she will be happy there.

posted by Doohickie 16 December | 23:07

Thanks y'all for all of your wonderful suggestions. As I type this, our new girl is laying on her bed next to our larger bed, and for the time being, I guess that is just the way it is going to be. She's content and that makes me happy. She spins around several times before she lays down, and sleeps on her back and I can't help but think of the REM song "Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight" when she does that. So even after only 72 hours (give or take) in my company, I've already come up with a nickname for her. Dogs are awesome.

posted by msali 16 December | 23:46

Our little Boston Terrier cried like a small human child when we first got her and had her sleeping her crate. It was hard to deal with, but it all worked out. Our dogs (including the puppy and her crate at the time) sleep in our room, but the only place in the entire house they aren't allowed is on our bed.

Puppies will follow you around because you are their leader.

Good luck.

posted by terrapin 17 December | 14:18

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