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08 February 2009

Doggy Rule of Food #1: Everything that you find to eat on the floor is delicious... even if you wouldn't eat it if you found it in your bowl. [More:]

Doggy Rule of Food #2: One discrete bit of kibble given as a reward is fantastico. Bunch of kibble in your bowl? meh.

Doggy Rule of Food #3: Popcorn.

Doggy Rule of Food #4: People are likely to give you food at any time, completely out of the blue, so always try to look hungry.

Doggy Rule of Food #5: Anything frozen is ice cream. Frozen peas are ice cream. Regular peas are yucky.

Doggy Rule of Food #6: Peanut butter.

Doggy Rule of Food #7: Food in the bowl comes from the woman; always stay by the woman. Treats come from the man; always stay by the man.

Doggy Rule of Food #8
: All cooking sounds mean food for you. Stirring sounds, opening can sounds, bag rattling sounds, knife-cutting sounds... Yep. Food for you. Get very, very excited.

Doggy Rule of Food #9: They will occasionally try to fool you with non-food items, such as fruit and vegetables. Be alert.

Doggy Rule of Food #10: Spillage is where you're a Viking.
#1 Yep.
#2 Nope. All kibble is to be eaten as if starving.
#3 Yep. Even if it's not popped. See #1.
#4 Yep.
#5 Cannot confirm.
#6 Oh yeah, baby.
#7 Again, cannot confirm.
#8 I'd put this at rule #2, if these are in order.
#9 Kinda. I've never seen a dog who likes potato peels until now. So be alert, but in the sense of Hmm. It's FOOD!
#10 Oh yes.

#11 When feeling especially starving, try the trash. Save this for special occasions.
#12 Also be vigilant of the table. They may leave a nice loaf of french bread for a bit. That's your cue.
posted by Stewriffic 08 February | 12:03
#13 Ice is amazing. It's food and fun all in one!
#14 Lettuce is not food. Let it rot under the cupboards.
#15 Unless it's been stirred in a pot on the stove. ANYTHING that's been stirred in a pot on the stove is delicious. Anything. (note for the humans - this is how you can get old, sick dogs to eat. If it's in a saucepan that's been on top of the stove, they will eat it even if they refused it for three days beforehand in their own bowl. Even if it's sprinkled with glucosamine.)
#16 You never know. This might be the day when that steak she's cooking is finally for you. She has to come to her senses one day. Be ready.
#17 The political complications that come from two or more dogs eating at the same time make the machinations of the entire Austro-Hungarian empire for 500 years look simple and transparent.
posted by mygothlaundry 08 February | 12:13
Cat rule of food #1: All chicken in the house is mine.
Cat rule of food #2: All ham in the house is mine.
Cat rule of food #3: Water is only good when it is running out of the tap. Mjauw loudly to keep tap-water flowing at all times.
Cat rule of food #4: That cheese on your sandwich is mine.
Cat rule of food #5: Sliced cucumber is ossom.
Cat rule of food #6: Assist in peeling potato for raw potato-bits = ossom.
Cat rule of food #7: Anything in the bowl is boring. Even peeled potato.
Cat rule of food #8: Especially water. Bowl water is boring.
Cat rule of food #9: Ice-cream is scary. Ice-cream on nose is run backwards into wall scary.
Cat rule of food #10: All the shrimps in the house are mine.
posted by dabitch 08 February | 12:15
# Food on the table or counter is for humans, and if touched, bad things will happen. That bowl of chips you left on the chair? Totally fair game.

# (channeling the late Jakey) You may not realize it, but a dog's jaws can accommodate an entire chicken breast in one gulp.
posted by theora55 08 February | 12:26
# Even if you don't like grapes, beg for and accept them, just let them fall out the side of your mouth. The next thing handed to you could be a piece of chicken.
posted by Specklet 08 February | 12:50
# (channeling Lennon)If you are told to get out of the kitchen, do so, but stop and look reproachfully over your shoulder until your human says "yes I love you, but I want you out". Then lie in the doorway, crossing your front paws so the tips of your claws are just over the door saddle.

#If you are a greyhound tall enough to reach the table, anything left at the edge is fair game to be snatched.
posted by brujita 08 February | 12:54
# Water in a bowl is lame. Porch water? The stuff of joy.
posted by stet 08 February | 13:26
# Dog rule of food: Cat litter box = Box of Godiva!
posted by Thorzdad 08 February | 15:02
Thorzad--I like to call it Kitty Roca.
posted by Stewriffic 08 February | 15:04
#N If it hits the ground it's mine.
#N+1 Anything at nose-height or lower is fair game when they're not looking.
#N+2 Only a mutt watches the food while a human is eating. The food doesn't give itself to you.
#N+3 If it's hard and wrapped in cheese or bacon, it's medication. You can spit it out.
#N+4 Kids leave a trail of crumbs wherever they go. I love kids!
posted by Susurration 08 February | 15:59
# If I eat my foot so fast that I choke, I can barf it back up and re-eat it, now with gravy!
posted by jamaro 08 February | 16:53
# Two words. DEAD PIGEON!
posted by arse_hat 08 February | 18:29
# Excrement I've found amongst the driftwood on the beach is also quite delicious.
posted by Specklet 08 February | 18:33
Haha. Love this. Except my greyhound things *anything* that *any* human is eating is worth eating if given to you. Including lettuce, peas, any kind of veggies. Don't ask me, she's a goober.

posted by misskaz 08 February | 18:56
# The smallest of children have milk and candy all over their faces and hands, and they LOVE dogs. Score.

# Ice cubes are ice cream.
posted by rhapsodie 08 February | 19:02
My bizarre kitty's rule of food: refuse to eat bits of chicken or sushi grade tuna or canned cat food. Go crazy over refried beans.
posted by Twiggy 08 February | 19:18
this thread is making me laugh so hard my cat is giving me the evil eye.
posted by dabitch 08 February | 19:29
# If you are given a food treat that is in fact non-food, for example, grapes, or any other fruit or vegetable that is not part of a pot roast:

express your gratitude by tasting the non-food, then rolling around on it with your head and making happy noises.

Because next time, the food could be food.

It's ok to smash the non-food into the carpet, as long as you seem happy.
posted by rainbaby 08 February | 19:41
Worlds best homestaging. || "Slave Leia"