MetaChat - Leveraging some assholishness

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13 January 2009

Leveraging some assholishness By my friend Nate's count, I have 27 more days in which I am allowed to be an asshole...→[More:]

...because I'm going to attempt to quit smoking again. Hey, I figured that if jonmc can do it, I can too, and all the awesome things in my life right now make it worth giving up because I want to be around to enjoy them now.

But in reference to the first sentence of this post, my friend Nate said that the way that helped one of his co-workers quit smoking was that his wife let him be a complete and total asshole for about 30 days. Once that was over, he couldn't be an asshole anymore.

I'm not normally an asshole (but I can be a total bitch) and I was wondering how exactly one goes about being an asshole. What kinds of things should I be one about?

post by: TrishaLynn at: 11:39 | 26 comments

Lots of yelling. Make sure to only yell at people for things that aren't their fault.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 13 January | 11:52

Heh. I immediately thought of Ari Gold.

posted by gaspode 13 January | 11:53

You've now got me wondering what specifically is the difference between a bitch and an asshole. It's not just gender, right? I tend to think of an asshole being a grade worse than a bitch, but am not sure how.

posted by Melismata 13 January | 11:55

I think a bitch says mean things behind your back and an asshole says them to your face, but that's straying into gender stereotyping.

posted by muddgirl 13 January | 12:06

I always thought of assholes being ignorant of their assholiness whereas bitches not only only knew of it but revelled in it. The male equivalent of a bitch then is a dick.

posted by Ardiril 13 January | 12:10

TPS is on to something. Plus, always take the last donut, don't hold open doors for people carrying heavy parcels, be smug when you have no reason to be and consider every inconvenience to be someone else's fault and a result of someone else's deliberate action and intentional, against you.

good luck! I hope it goes well for you. The quitting, not the assholing.

posted by crush-onastick 13 January | 12:11

Yeah, Ardiril's comment sounds right to me.

posted by gaspode 13 January | 12:14

Feel free to talk really, really loudly on your cell phone, espcially while standing in line at the post office. Not only should you refrain from holding the door open, you should deliberately let it go at the precise moment when it will slam shut just as they reach it.

posted by muddgirl 13 January | 12:15

Oh and if you use the word "please" be certain to make it as oozing with hate, sarcasm, impatience and bastardness as possible. Display neither sympathy nor empathy. Assume everyone is incompetent, incapable and significantly less interesting than yourself.

Interrupt everyone who is talking, particularly if you have asked them a question which requires more than one word to answer. Demand people do your work and complain constantly that you don't have time to do it.

Also, if someone else is upset, hurting, or otherwise in need, mock them, ignore them, dismiss them, or treat them as if they have neither need nor dignity.

posted by crush-onastick 13 January | 12:16

<gender stereotyping>
Well, Ardiril, there's also the difference between a bitch and a cunt. The bitch does it because she's on her period, hasn't had her coffee, or whatever. The cunt does it for the sheer joy of victory in deflating or blocking you.
</gender stereotyping>

Apply to other gender as seems appropriate. I'm sure that women have words they use. My sense is that this is similar but not as extreme as the difference between "dick" and "asshole". And there are obvious psychosexual implications.

Note: I am aware that Brits use "cunt" differently. That is, mainly for men.

posted by stilicho 13 January | 12:18

Going off topic to discuss quitting, I realized that I could clearly and easily associate smoking with my exwife, an asshole by any definition. I still had half a pack left at the moment of that realization that I was going to allow myself to finish, but the urge vanished so completely that I stared at them for hours with complete loathing and no desire to light up. Finally I simply dropped them in the trash unharmed and smokable where they sat for days before I took the can out to the dumpster. Now when the thought of a cigarette hits me, I automatically think of my ex and any urge is immediately aborted. The downside of this is I cannot date smokers.

posted by Ardiril 13 January | 12:28

I never associated assholes with gender. For example here on Mecha when xxx discusses abc, she is being a bitch because she knows she's touching raw nerves, however when yyy discusses her def, she is being an asshole because she obviously does not realize that everyone is tired of her bullshit on that particular topic. Finally, zzz is just a tiresome cunt no matter what she posts.

I hope that cleared things up for everybody.

posted by Ardiril 13 January | 12:39

OK, don't mind me. I'm just being a dick.

posted by Ardiril 13 January | 12:45

Ardiril, that was brilliant. You win the internet today.

posted by rainbaby 13 January | 13:01

*hearts Ardiril-- I mean...*

Hmmph. Whatever.

posted by TrishaLynn 13 January | 13:25

No advice on being an asshole, but on not smoking: use the patch or some other replacement and it's much easier, and once you're out of the woods-no 'I can have just one' allowed. Trust me.

Also, you must join me in pledging that even though we are nicotine-free, we will NEVER become tedious, preachy ex-smokers.

posted by jonmc 13 January | 13:31

The male equivalent of a bitch then is a dick.

I agree.

And good luck on not smoking!

posted by CitrusFreak12 13 January | 13:46

The perfect guide to being and asshole.

Enjoy!

how was I the first to do this?

posted by sakura 13 January | 14:43

Also, note the bunny in the corner.

posted by sakura 13 January | 14:45

Yeah...I think bitch implies a bit of classism...being mean to those considered inferior. Think of the popular girl cliques at school or the rich girl who wants special treatment.
Assholism is more equal opportunity misanthropy. An asshole driver will cut off the cyclist no differently than he'll cut off the Lexus.
A bitch may defer to someone 'above' her for purposes of sucking up and social climbing. An asshole defers to nobody.

posted by rocket88 13 January | 16:41

Cut people in line everywhere you go, especially the grocery store and getting onto the subway.
Also, good luck with not smoking! Hang in there.

posted by rmless2 13 January | 17:05

Good luck with not smoking! I concur with jonmc. My husband used the patch to quit (checks calendar) 94 days ago. He's no longer on the patch and still doing well. That's $658 not spent on cigarettes, by the way (he was a heavy smoker and they're crazy expensive here in Chicago, so he's been tracking how much money he's saved as an incentive).

posted by misskaz 13 January | 17:46

My friends quit smoking using "the pill" (Zyrtec, probably?). They say that it makes cigarettes taste like ass, so when they do smoke it's horrible negative reinforcement (although it's only been a few weeks and they've both started "having just one" when they're drunk).

posted by muddgirl 13 January | 18:05

Whoops, Zyrtec is an allergy medicine. You know what I mean.

posted by muddgirl 13 January | 18:06

@jonmc: I hereby pledge on my new apartment that if I ever become a preachy ex-smoker, I should be tarred, feathered, and forced to drink an entire glass of dirty butt-water.

posted by TrishaLynn 13 January | 19:20

Zyban. aka Wellbutrin.

posted by Miko 13 January | 21:58

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