There is something sort of rude about posting pictures of an event you didn't invite other people to. On the other hand, I'm nosy enough to want to see the pics whether I was invited or not. And when someone on my "friend list" really gets on my nerve, I just remove them.

I can't.. a lot of people would be like, wtf!!

I will just keep being nice. Here I turn to my faith, except my stupid husband totally sucks richard dawkins' cock so I can't talk about that with anybody.

Is there some kind of social worker or psychology worker, culture-local, that can tell me what I am doing wrong? It will be cool when there are lifelogs and you can upload your lifelog video to a website and get people to trouble shoot what you are doing wrong.

I can't.. a lot of people would be like, wtf!!

Are they really your friends or aren't they? I had a lot of people on my list who aren't really my friends- people I went to college with, people I barely knew when I was in high school. It's not like we were even using Facebook to communicate with each other past the initial Facebook friend request. So I don't really care if it bothers them that I removed them from my list. I did a mass cleanout about a year ago, and as far as I can tell, nobody even noticed.

they are people i am social with and also are essential professional contacts. And we do a lot of professional stuff via facebook. and i've gotten this far in my professional life this year by keeping quiet when i am hurting.

they are really my friends in that they definitely confide shit to me and we are generally supportive of each other.. but i guess it's on a really superficial level. i suppose that's my fault for taking all of that shitty 'fake it till you make it' advice.

i am very angry and upset. and i have friends far away i would like to see that can't make it either. i fucking hate christmas.

well apologies for swearing and sounding angry, folks.. Off to bed here.

Wow...I think you might want to give it time. There are a lot of people I work with and do projects with whom I like, and I know they like me, but we just aren't intimates. Sometimes it's a little uncomfortable to realize that some people you know were getting together with one another and you weren't there - but don't catastrophize. Maybe you weren't that close with them yet.

Also, are you doing things to advance your friendships? work and activist 'friends' are one thing - you are united for a purpose. Most people have work friends that aren't social friends, and of course, vice versa. If you have work friends that you would like to know better outside the work context, you could surely do the inviting. What about asking someone to coffee or lunch, or even throwing a party yourself? Putting yourself out there and being the 'giver' can be a wonderful way to let people know more about you and build closer friendships with them.

Refuse to go down this road - you don't have to. What you're saying is you wish you had closer friends around you now and wish you were more a part of the local/work social scene. You can make that happen. Not instantaneously, but by keeping up the work you've been doing. Articulate it as a desire and a need, not a resentment and a failing. The more satisfied you are with your own life and friendships, the less you'll worry about what others have been doing. You'll be posting your own pictures.

I did a mass cleanout about a year ago, and as far as I can tell, nobody even noticed.

You don't know this. I have certainly noticed several people who have dropped me, and have even felt hurt by it, but I certainly never mentioned it to the dropper.

BTGoG: you should have your own party.

Yea, but this is people who aren't a part of my life- there's no way they could mention it to me, there's no link anymore. I can understand the hurt of, aw, I'm not included on that list anymore (I've been dropped by a few people- a fired co-worker, for one), but beyond that, who cares?

I've resigned myself to being the friend that gets met with one on one

Hey, be grateful for that much.

Huh. I've never checked to see if I've been dumped. I've only dumped a board member.

I am grateful for that much, believe me. And I do invite people out to lunch/coffee/drinks, and they all see the cheery me, believe it! I try to think positively but it's like building a house of cards or matchsticks. It's difficult to throw a party here because the other half hates parties and rarely comes to things we're both invited to.

I'll keep trying, there doesn't seem to be any other choice.

One thing I've learned about social networking is it requires people to grow a thicker skin. This is not necessarily a good thing.

well, I'm going to restrict facebook use to my mobile phone, where I don't see people's pictures.

Also my sister is coming and a few people may or may not come and meet her, this will probaby be in a pub.

Ach. I'm so very, very unsocial. It doesn't mean I don't like people... I'm just the troll under the bridge type. Or the troll in my kitchen with my book, my tea (or wine), my dog and my laptop type. Hey, it's fun here... everybody come!

dodgygeezer's right, and good move, BtGoG. People drive themselves crazy with social sites. The thing is - they don't mean that much.

I try to think positively but it's like building a house of cards or matchsticks.

Here's the thing: like I was saying above, social anxiety is a really alluring little hook, but if you make the mistake of biting, you will be pulled along forever. So you're anxious because you see people on FaceBook doing something and you feel excluded. Let's say that changes and you're now invited to the things that appear on FaceBook. Now you are at the party, but are you happy? No, you're worried that not enough/the right people are talking to you, you're not blending in, and you feel excluded. You look at the pics the next day, and you're not in any, or if you are no one comments, or if they comment they forget to tag your name, and you feel excluded. YOu go to the next party, and people talk to you, but three people act weird around you, and you feel excluded. You go to another party, and spend the next day reliving everything you said and cringing because you're sure it was the wrong thing and you fantasize that everyone is talking about you and the stupid thing you did/said today, and you have ruined your reputation, and you feel excluded. You go to the next party, and you think you've developed a really close genuine friendship with another person there, but she doesn't talk to you much and is really having fun with other people, and you feel excluded.

You see what I mean? It never ends. The problem isn't the people or the parties. It's taking the bait. Just don't go down this road - when you feel anxious about social things, close your eyes, breathe, re-center yourself, and come back to the present moment. What can you do to make your life better and enjoy your life more right now? What can you appreciate? What can you do or plan? Joy comes from making yourself a pleasant nest in your own life. The happier you are, the less it matters what other people do. And the happier you are, the easier it is for you to interact with people without those anxious barriers screwing things up. And things get better.

You're right, it's the only choice, because all the other choices are counterproductive. But it's also a great choice because you'll enjoy your own life more. Keep re-centering yourself.

If something like FaceBook makes you feel bad, ignore it. Seriously.

(((Grace)))

I had a similar situation with the mister's friends. "Oh, we love you; we hate his ex; blah blah blah; let's be friends!" I didn't have any friends (just moved to Canada) and jumped into the group with both feet. If there was something going on at the RV park (where we were living at the time), we were invited. BUT outside of the park was a whole different story. He and his ex got invited to everything; at the park and elsewhere. Me, not so much on the elsewhere stuff. So very confusing and so very hurtful.

I pushed them all into the "acquaintance" box (because real friends wouldn't do this) and moved on. I still don't have any friends but at least I'm not involved in the nightmare Miko mentions in her second post.

I thought I was past this as it happened years ago. But I find myself tearing up typing this. Fuck.

Just read this on Salon re: the holiday season and feelings of social isolation... I thought it might be interesting food for thought here.

((((BtGoG))))

You go to another party, and spend the next day reliving everything you said and cringing because you're sure it was the wrong thing and you fantasize that everyone is talking about you and the stupid thing you did/said today, and you have ruined your reputation, and you feel excluded.
You've been stalking me?

People on Facebook aren't friends, they're acquaintances. There are some people I work with every day and have become quite close to, but I never let myself think of them as actual friends, because I'm acutely aware that that feeling may not be reciprocated (and work is such a restrictive place that this is often difficult for people to articulate), so I never have to feel let down when I realise that they are only friendly to me to make their work day more pleasant. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy their company or like them less, it just means I don't let our relationship be burdened by the expectations that the word "friend" brings. When you see a friends list on Facebook, just think to yourself that they aren't your real friends and adjust your expectations accordingly. Easier said than done, but I think worth the effort.

I know how you feel, deborah - almost anything that both my partner and I are invited to is because she is invited and I'm added because that's the social norm. Overall, it's usually easier just to go along and enjoy the occasion than have the whole fight, but sometimes I just wish they'd leave me out and have their fun without draggin' the ol' wet blanket along.