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03 November 2008

So my (same-sex) partner and I were going to get married tomorrow. Now we're not, and I'm really sad about it.[More:]

We talked about it all weekend (and by talk, I mean copious tears, arguments, etc) then mutually decided/realized that we were rushing into things because of GODDAMN FUCKING EVIL HATEFUL PROPOSITION 8.

We'd never really wanted to get married -- but suddenly it seemed like our one and only chance and suddenly the idea made both of us so incredibly happy . . . and now that we've come to our senses, it feels like something profound and beautiful has been lost.
Wow. I really wish I could say something profound and beautiful but words fail me. I wish you both good thoughts.
posted by arse_hat 03 November | 00:51
You know what? You love each other. You love each other, and aren't sure that you want to get married right now on some artificial schedule fueled by hate, and that's a mature, thoughtful, deep love. Celebrate yourselves tomorrow, no matter what. Celebrate your happiness that you are lucky enough to have each other right now, and the fact that this is a significant and memorable moment in your lives that you will always remember. From my point of view as someone who has been married a long time, I can say that the moments together that you string, like pearls, onto a necklace definitely aren't all of the "big event" variety. Often the most precious are of the "standing together to overcome adversity" hue, and other much more subtle varieties.

So sing this:

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

and do this, and don't let the terrahrists win.
posted by taz 03 November | 00:53
i lack any profundity
all i can say is fight the good fight.
posted by ethylene 03 November | 00:57
Yrrr, treepour! Deep breath....I know Massachusetts doesn't allow out-of-state same-sex couples to marry; I don't know about CT (Wikipedia proved unhelpful). Governor Patterson here in NY has been making good noises, and has made it clear out-of-state will be honored here. Canada allows Usaians to marry there too.

Do what feels right for you....*big hugs*
posted by brujita 03 November | 01:05
In March when the decision for same-sex marriage was upheld, one of my coworkers and his partner decided on an impromptu flight to California to get married. It had never been an option for them before, and they had never discussed it. They were in such a rush to Do It Now Before It's Revoked Again that they didn't stop to consider whether it was something they wanted/needed to do as a couple.

I am glad that you are putting more thought into it and not jumping into this decision just because the option is available. Nothing has been lost; you're not saying Never to marriage, you're just saying Not Now. And that's okay.

posted by rhapsodie 03 November | 01:52
hugs and prayers for you both.. the discussion you had comes from strength, honesty and maturity.
posted by By the Grace of God 03 November | 04:34
Yes, you did the right thing. I, too, am glad you had a thoughtful discussion about this. It's hard, I imagine, to feel like this is your last chance to do something, whether or not it's the right time to do so. I hate Prop 8.


posted by Stewriffic 03 November | 06:39
Hugs to you and your sweetie. It's a hard decision, but such a good thing that the two of you can talk about it and be so trusting of each other to have honest discussions.

This will not be your last chance. Even if the stupid prop8 thing goes wrong, there will be other chances as more people get their heads around equal rights for all.

And, here's hoping that prop8 is down for the count and you still have the right to get married each and every day after the election.
posted by mightshould 03 November | 08:03
What the others said. Hugs to you both, treepour.
posted by BoringPostcards 03 November | 08:05
Big hugs. I've only been married for five weeks and if someone had told me that we couldn't get married, or that it might be revoked, I would have completely lost my shit. I can't even fathom what it must be like for same-sex couples who haven't had that option or have had that taken away from them. I'm glad you're not rushing. You'll still love each other as much on Wednesday as you do today, no matter what happens with Prop 8. I wish I were in CA so I could vote against it (I did donate). I fervently hope that you and thousands of others get the opportunity to marry at whatever point feels right to you.
posted by desjardins 03 November | 08:28
Hugs treepour. It's must have been a difficult decision, but hopefully if and when you decide to marry, you can and it will be a non-issue.

I am from Canada, so prop 8 has been quite a confusing thing for me to watch unfold. I guess I was surprised because it is California (I have only been to the Bay area - so y'know, not a complete picture I know.) Certainly, there were objections and protests as the same-sex marriage legislation came to be passed in Canada (in stages), but when it is all said and done, once people realized the sky wasn't going to fall down, it petered out. Now legislated - I would be very very surprised to see in the future a movement to take it off the books here. It would almost be too much effort.
posted by typewriter 03 November | 09:08
((((treepour)))) This is the main reason mrs chewie and I decided to marry each other - we deemed ourselves the only authority necessary to recognize our commitment. That way no one could tell us we were acceptable one day and unacceptable the next. Until it becomes mainstream in the US, it's going to be a painful see-saw, and we didn't want or need to experience that. We both have no regrets. That was over 3 years ago, after having been together for 5.

Rest assured you're profound and beautiful in your own right, no matter what's written in some office somewhere.
posted by chewatadistance 03 November | 09:38
You love each other, and aren't sure that you want to get married right now on some artificial schedule fueled by hate, and that's a mature, thoughtful, deep love.

This. It's not your last chance. It may seem like it right now, but it won't be.

I know Massachusetts doesn't allow out-of-state same-sex couples to marry

This is going to change starting at the beginning of the year, I believe.
posted by muddgirl 03 November | 10:16
Never mind. The law barring out-of-state couples to wed in Massachusetts (if such a marriage would not be allowed in their home state) has already been repealed.
posted by muddgirl 03 November | 10:24
No matter what happens tomorrow this will not be your last and only chance.
posted by kellydamnit 03 November | 10:33
Relationships are so hard. .it's not fair to add this layer of having to work through the politics and bigotry.
posted by danf 03 November | 11:17
It's just a piece of paper. Marriage is all mental.
posted by Eideteker 03 November | 12:03
Marriage is all mental.
I know you like to be all deep 'n' philosophical and stuff but you can be those things without also being this factually incorrect.
posted by Wolfdog 03 November | 12:05
Wow, treepour, that sounds like a very intense day. Thank you for sharing your story and making the personal political and vice-versa. Yes, I think you did the right thing, too, but I am so sorry you had to go through that when other type people just, well, don't. ((hugs))
posted by rainbaby 03 November | 12:10
Thank you, Wolfdog.
posted by ethylene 03 November | 12:24
So sorry for your sadness, treepour, but nthing those who say it speaks well of the depth of your maturity and love that you recognized you weren't ready.

It is my sincerest hope that this quickly becomes one big fucking non-issue for you and non-heteros nationwide. That we're even considering this a debate pisses me off to no end.

Best of luck.
posted by middleclasstool 03 November | 12:44
I'm so sorry, treepour. I really believe that these are all necessary growing pains and that we'll all look back some time in the near future and be amazed that this was ever an issue.
posted by jrossi4r 03 November | 13:11
Not to argue and derail, but I just want to let you know I am being thoughtful. It seems like in this case, treepour has realized that they are not ready for marriage. When they are, they'll know. Yeah, there are other things that go with it, but that's more a problem with the legal system than a commentary on love and togetherness.

Sorry to sound cryptic and insensitive. Really, I wish treepour the best, and I think they'll know if/when they've reached the right level of commitment.
posted by Eideteker 03 November | 13:15
This thread is useless without bunnyfire.

I keed, I keed. I wholeheartedly endorse what others, especially taz, said.
posted by essexjan 03 November | 13:17
You all are the greatest. Thank you -- this thread has really helped lift me up. I think it's true that it speaks well for us that we were able to think this through, despite how painful it was. Looking at it that way really helps put the disappointment in perspective. Now I can't wait to mark NO on prop 8!
posted by treepour 03 November | 13:32
(((treepour & sweetie)))

*crosses fingers for NO on Prop 8*
posted by deborah 03 November | 14:44
As of Friday, Prop 8 was trailing "with opponents holding a slim 49 to 44 percent edge among likely voters." So let's hope it fails.

If it does pass, I believe that marital equality will prevail in the long run, between the Equal Protection Clause, the precedents of Loving v. Virginia and Lawrence v. Texas, and the examples of Connecticut and Massachusetts. As Martin Luther King, Jr., said, "the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice."
posted by kirkaracha 03 November | 17:43
(((treepour and partner)))

Wish I had words of wisdom, but I am lacking.
posted by redvixen 03 November | 20:06
Unable to sleep! Too excited! Eeeeeeeee! || Voting and Free Stuff (Starbucks, Ben & Jerry's)