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01 November 2008

I've hurt someone I care deeply about Oh bunnies,

I have made just the worst relationship mistake I can remember in well over a decade. You know how you see people have crazy drama and you think, "boy, glad I'm not that person". [More:]


I embarrassed and hurt a friend that could not afford to have any more weight put on her. Completely sabotaged a delightful relationship with a beautiful generous soul. I am trying to get counseling as soon as I can, but may not hear back until Monday.

I am just sick and ashamed. I'm not sure I've ever felt so low.

This year has been the sux!
post by: -t at: 22:17 | 15 comments
Wow, so sorry to hear about that. The only thing I recommend is expressing to her exactly what you've expressed here.
posted by treepour 01 November | 22:40
Sorry dear :(
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 01 November | 22:53

Hope that you can sort things out. :(
posted by jonathanstrange 01 November | 22:55
I've done this before too, and I know how bad it feels.

Tell your friend what you've said here: that you love them, that you are sorry to have added to their burdens, and that you offer your hand to make amends. A good friend, even if hurt, will hear that you are speaking a plain truth from your heart.

I know it hurts to hurt someone you love. But remember, it doesn't automatically make you a bad person! Even if it will take some time to ultimately set things right, you can still get started right away.

Good luck.
posted by scody 01 November | 23:03
I know. It's terrible to feel this way. I try to remind myself that in fact, it is not that hard for me to be generous or thoughtful. It doesn't take that much, and yet it may mean more to the other person. I hurt a friend tonight too. So stupid, and prideful. I've sent him two messages, so maybe it will be okay, but, feels like shit.
posted by typewriter 01 November | 23:15
Sorry, ended that so down. You know what? Everyone makes mistakes. The fact that you recognized that you made one is huge and great. That is certainly a good step.
posted by typewriter 01 November | 23:17
I'd second what's been said above. I know the hurt from both sides so, I am feeling for you tonight, too. Keep going with the honesty and willingness to make amends. You've already started doing everything you can to make this right.
posted by MonkeyButter 01 November | 23:22
This is me generally disagreeing.
If this wonderful generous person has been driven away by drama, trying to impress upon her how you feel yet again isn't showing respect for their feelings.
Send an apology, write a letter, whatever, but give this person some space to decide what she wants to do about how she feels instead of having to deal with your emotions, again.
posted by ethylene 01 November | 23:36
I kind of agree with ethylene. Allow some space. Sometimes, rushing back in to try to make repairs just means dealing with more emotional craziness for both of you. Sometimes it is really our own egos and sense of loss that makes us chase that other person back down and try to make amends - that confusion of concern for the other person vs. need for yourself can make things a lot messier than need be. Everyeone's probably sensitive, so take a break, talk with your counselor, and later on you can reach out to rebuild or resolve things.

But I'm sorry. Rifts in friendships suck; I hope there is some good that comes from this in the end and I'm sure there will be.
posted by Miko 01 November | 23:48
What eth and Miko have said. Make amends but give it lots of space and don't make it all about your hurt.
posted by arse_hat 01 November | 23:50
Yeah, I agree with the caveats offered above. Make your sincere apology and offer amends, but don't make it about you, if that makes sense. You don't want to inadvertently put an additional burden on your friend to make them feel like they now have to manage your distress or immediately forgive you. These things can take some time and space.
posted by scody 02 November | 00:41
i'm sorry it now might "look like a gang up" with the "agreements", -t, and that you're distressed, but the best you can do is learn from this, whatever the consequence. Facing the consequence of your actions is a big step forward a lot of people can't bear, and it's a large part of "growing up":
the difference between doing something without thinking and doing something while knowing and having weighed the risks.

This is not a statement directed at you but the world in general:

Apologizing doesn't automatically obligate the person to forgive you.
An apology is suppose to be an end to itself.
If it isn't, it isn't really an apology.
posted by ethylene 02 November | 07:59
Well, I exchanged emails with a potential temporary therapist, and heard back from my friend. I'm going to give her plenty of space and take care of some things before I try and revisit serious communication.

I did blow it.

All day has been that feeling of numbness, when you can't actually believe something has happened. I went to a yoga class (it's an hour away), I kinda lost it in there.

Thank you bunnies. The last six months or so, the Me** community has been enormously supportive a couple times when I needed it. I am grateful to all of you.
posted by -t 02 November | 16:50
Please hang in there T. If you need to vent or if there's anything I can do, please let me know. I wish you the best.
posted by IndigoRain 02 November | 21:40
I'm so sorry. It's hard to be a person. We all of us screw up all the time. Good luck.
posted by theora55 03 November | 17:12
Unparsable Flapdoodle! Carved Worthies! Dick Cavett On The Election.... || Opus has his last panel.