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30 October 2008

boo, didn't get a job. that I applied for. It's amazing how fragile my confidence is.[More:]

Bunnies, I keep quiet about a lot of what's going on in my head because I am afraid of what other people will think,. and because I think there's a lot of peer pressure to give the appearance of positivity, upbeat-ness, if not having yourself together then at least getting yourself there.

I sit and look at the confident, with-it, together people here and I wonder if they have that little kernel of white-hot fear inside them, and if they admit it to anyone.

Well, I have that kernel inside myself, and it's always going to be there. I'm resolved to be more honest with my friends about that, including here.. although I will be careful not to upset the apple-cart of the site, as it were. But I think my life will be healthier if I'm more honest and realistic with people, and talking about reality is one of the ways I'm best equipped to process it.

In that vein, I'd like to make some positive comments about bunnyfire, with respect to the mods and everyone and understanding that it might not be the most welcome thing right now - but I missed the discussion yesterday and hope it's not overstepping some bounds to say my say here.

Bunnyfire is one of the people whose posts I have most enjoyed here. I really loved her Mccain/Palin posts - not because I agree with her politics, but because of the sense of joy she gets from participating in the ground level campaigning. I do the same here in Scotland, and it's really wonderful and fun, and reading her posts about this stuff makes me really happy and really excited about doing my own political work.

I also remember the really great posts about her debates with her family about her biracial grandson, and the positive work she did there. This reminds me that not everyone agrees with me and has iron-clad ideology or what have you - but that good ideas often come slowly, one at a time, a family at a time, a kitchen table at a time, a mug of tea at a time.

I have also really enjoyed her posts about faith and church life, which have encouraged me in my own faith.

Bunnyfire also was really supportive of me when I was really, really depressed and posting a lot about that here. I remember she said something once about her own struggle with mental illness and how she decided that nobody's opinion but God's mattered. I remember that and think of it every day. Thanks for that, bunnyfire.

I have learned to try to marginalise negativity and to rejoice in positivity and good behaviours from people.. and so while I have disliked some of the politics posts she's done, I remember them less and remember, more, the times when she has enthusiastically engaged with people. I bet she hasn't directly engaged more 'cuz she was afraid of group condemnation - I am afraid of the same thing, even though I am an activist, and my response (cowardly) is not to post much about politics anymore. Nobody emerges from a sea or a rock whole and pure and able to be consistent in every moment - people work towards the selves they want to be.. So I see bunnyfire as working towards that self, and forgive her for the times when she isn't that self, and am patient with her about it.

I don't like some of the comments made towards her, either, but forgive those too.

I hope she comes back soon - she's a great part of the site.
Sorry about the job. Yeah, I think even the "with it" people have some version the fear inside them.

I miss your posts about your political work. I didn't always understand the issues/people involved, but still enjoyed them and learned from them.
posted by danostuporstar 30 October | 09:06
Aw, sorry about the job, BtGoG. Sometimes it's hard not to take rejections like that personally, but it really ISN'T personal. Better luck in the future... *hug*
posted by BoringPostcards 30 October | 09:26
i understand where you are coming from and what you mean, and while there are things i'd like to address, i won't here and now. You can mail and i'll try to give it the time it deserves, but i have to say that while i understand why, i don't like you've been identifying yourself lately as a mentally ill person.

you are more than a diagnosis. You are more than a job or interest or even particular passion. You are more than a relationship or locational marker.
Your attitude about mental health concerns me, but in accenting that you are mentally ill (more than a person) i will note that your perceptions may not be as objective as they could be, and lacking knowledge of history and subtext in the case of bunnyfire can and has let people believe wrongly in superficial interpretation as to how reactions happen as opposed to why.

My objection to bunnyfire's (mis)use of terminology and use of any condition as a shield and excuse for any negligible flub to outright flouting disregard is just one of the issues that concerned me, especially on behalf of people who might be impressionable to it because of their own reasons.

i address this here because it is of concern here, but i don't wish to speak of the departed.

Sometime, when we have time, we should talk.
posted by ethylene 30 October | 09:59
decided that nobody's opinion but God's mattered

Sorry to be negative here, but this is exactly why fundamentalism is so dangerous to society. They aren't interested in sensible talk, just whatever idea of god's opinion they've divined or been taught.
posted by DarkForest 30 October | 10:02
One can have a concept of God and care exclusively about being right in regards to that concept, without being a fundamentalist or dangerous to society.
posted by danostuporstar 30 October | 10:10

You know what sucks about I'M LEAVING posts? Everything that people say afterward is flung into the void, because the leaver is no longer here to answer anything.

Disagreement with the person who has left sounds mean, because they are not here to answer. Praise of the person who has left sounds elegiac and vaguely accusatory, which stirs up the people who disagree.

I think email is the way to go at this point, because bunnyfire is not going to answer here, and I'm sure she would appreciate kind words in her mail, and be open as well to questions and discussions.

If you're glad she's gone, you don't need to say so here, and if you are sorry she's gone, get in touch and find out where she's posting, or continue the friendship via email.

She decided to go, let's let it be. Please.
posted by taz 30 October | 10:37
i'd rather we did not discuss the departed any further (or incite an untimely return of subject) but i would like to point out the reason that was stated as the initiator of that drama was completely an error of inference, like every other point used to instigate an indignant response of assumed insult.

Box never intended his remark as a personal attack but a general darkly humorous commentary about high heels (possibly a paraphrase, as i've heard it before.) It was the following statement that implied it was at all personal or pointed, which was not how i perceived, nor how it was meant.
i don't want to speak for anyone else needlessly, but facts are facts, and not accepting that reality was another consistent problem.
There wasn't need to illuminate this fact as the issue at hand had so little to do with it or any other cherry picked clump of words that were misconstrued for personal agenda.
posted by ethylene 30 October | 10:37
Jinx, taz. i second your comment completely.
posted by ethylene 30 October | 10:39
i second your comment completely.

Then, you know, follow it.
posted by danostuporstar 30 October | 10:42
Time stamp, dude.
posted by ethylene 30 October | 10:44
Bummer about the job, BtGoG. Have been going through the same job-ungetting thing myself lately.
posted by gaspode 30 October | 10:45
i'd rather we did not discuss,...but.... That's at least the second one of those you've posted.
posted by danostuporstar 30 October | 10:47
You really want to hijack this thread to hash this out here and now?
posted by ethylene 30 October | 10:54
Hi taz, I am sorry to make you sigh - I would have posted this in an existing thread, but I felt it was important to post because it is a genuinely held thought that wasn't voiced in the discussion. Also I would like to apologise to anyone who felt accused, I really mean what I said to be my own personal beliefs. I really regret any stress it has caused.

I guess I use the lable of mental illness in a social justice sense, to represent that I am fighting this real thing but am doing well. I am proud of my progress!
posted by By the Grace of God 30 October | 11:10
BtGoG- I'm really glad for your post. I feel the same way you do. And I'm really sorry about the job.
posted by small_ruminant 30 October | 11:14
It's okay, BtGoG - you were being kind and supportive, which is always a good thing, but discussion about it could end up a lot less pleasant, so I think it's a good stopping place for all of us.
posted by taz 30 October | 11:19
Mea culpa. I need to be reminded to restrain my negativity now and then. Someone delete my comment if it's not a bother.
posted by DarkForest 30 October | 12:49
I'm sorry that you didn't get this job, but think of all the jobs you have gotten in the past! You're an employable person and you'll get another. This is just one of many good jobs out there for you.
posted by rmless2 30 October | 13:11
bunnyfire left? Oh, hey, missed drama.

Someone said something to me once on #bunnies: people leave. It happens all the time. Sometimes they say something, sometimes they don't. Sometimes when they say something, it's to get a reaction out of you, and sometimes that the reaction they're looking for is something that indicates you feel worse, or that they should feel better. But rather than worrying about their feelings, rationale, or motivation, I just remind myself that people leave. If they decide to return, I welcome them with open arms. But it's not my job to try to get them back, or to make them feel bad for leaving. If they're that important to me, chances are I communicate with them offsite. And when I chat/IM/e-mail them, I'll talk about it if they bring it up.

Life is long enough without adding unnecessary and painful drama.

And I'm sorry to hear about the job.
posted by Eideteker 30 October | 13:17
Sorry to hear about the job - just tell yourself that it wasn't meant to be. The right one is out there somewhere waiting for you, but don't forget that you have to look for it - it isn't coming to get you.

I've also missed the posts about your political activity - I often don't understand exactly what it is you're doing, but it's an interesting insight into the life of someone I like so, you know, don't be bashful.

God, I wish that white-hot fear part was just a kernel. Sometimes, I feel that that's all I'm made of, with a veneer covering it so that everyone thinks I've got my shit together when the opposite is often far, far closer to the truth. If we were standing together in a room, you might well be the most together person in that room.
posted by dg 31 October | 04:15
I awoke this morning to the sound of... || I am going to say mean things about old people now!