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23 April 2008
help→[More:]I am trapped in a room with a big dog. He has farts that smell the same way it sounds when people scream into the Grand Canyon: FART! FART! FART! fart! fart! fart! fart! fart! fart! fart! fart! fart! fart!
Also, I can provide a reminiscence of being in elementary school, having an English mastiff as the family dog, and, one Easter eve, having said English mastiff get really excited about all the eggs my parents had hidden for him to eat after we went to sleep. His tongue was pink and blue for a week, and maaaaaaaaaaaan were those some gnarly farts.
Both windows are open (it is COLD) and I'd like to see the candle that could handle this dog's farts. An industrial fan and all the patchouli ever collectively worn by Grateful Dead and Phish fans combined could not handle this dog's farts.
I hope his people sincerely love fart dog and will take her or him home and that they aren't under the bed wearing masks with the phone turned off.
Poor fart dog. I can only begin to imagine his embarrassment. Of course, it's also possible that fart dog is ACTUALLY frat dog, and he's secretly laughing on the inside at all the horror he's able to generate with his baconator induced output.
so, in essence, Melissa May, I am also mainly laughing. Sorry.
We've been puppysitting this fellow, and now, of an evening sometimes wafts a fragrance - and I have to glare back and forth between mr. taz and mr. puppy in an attempt to discern the perpetrator. They both look so cute and innocent.
Here is another picture of fart dog. See? Cute dog! You didn't really mean to send fart dog into traffic. You were just having a bad day, I understand. I won't report you. We need never speak of this again. Just come get fart dog and everything with be a-ok. I promise!
Back in the day, when I lived in east Baltimore and we had cordless land line phones that sometimes picked up other conversations, I was talking to my friend when all of a sudden this other voice came on the line. In purest Bawlmerese she said "I don't know, hon, I got to hang up and get outta here. Them dogs is fartin' somethin' terrible and I just can't stand it no more. Oh my gawd they're just fartin' and fartin'."
So for distraction you could call somebody random up and say that.
Fart dog does not have a name or other identifier besides her license number through Multnomah County. When I called the number no one answered, so I called the city. A nice man answered and I gave a brief explanation and the license.
He said, "I hate to tell you this, but you called the right number. This is Wednesday so no one gets in until NOON."
I said, "No. No. You can't say that. I'm trapped in a room with this dog because I have cats and she has REALLY BAD gas. I'm losing it over here."
Like you people, he laughed, but unlike you, he helped. He called the "back-channel" number and a nice animal control man answered and it took him a while to call up the screen so we talked about technology and whatnot until he found the number, which I just called.
Fart dog's Christian name is Tallulah and her mother has been called. Keep those fingers crossed, everyone.
My poor sister-in-law was hospitalized awhile back and had to share a semi-private room with an older lady who was in for some sort of digestive system-related problems. Nightly, on the other side of the curtain, she'd hear this:
nnnnnnggnnnnggrrrmnnnnngwaahhHUHHHH COME ONNN, GAS! PPFFWARRRBRRRRRRAP Oh, honey, pardon my lettin'!
Tallulah's mom called and hurried right over. She couldn't have been more apologetic or appreciative. She and her husband just moved from another house in the same area to one a few blocks down the way from us. She had left her out in the yard and Tallulah escaped. Perhaps she was frightened by the smell of her own gas.
In the meantime, Fart Dog (she'll always be Fart Dog to me) ate the cats' food, stole one of their toys, knocked me over twice, and left my entire house smelling like dog and fart.
Favorite MetaFilter canine flatulence comment. The mental immage of the father, post utterance, has stayed with me ever since I first read that comment, and still makes me chuckle from time to time...
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
