Moody and introspective (and long-winded) I am receiving an award for service to the University tonight, and I feel very mixed about it. →[More:]

First of all, I am uneasy about my need for external validation such as peer awards in the first place. I know that I should (hate that word) rely on internal validation, the feeling that I'm doing my best, or at least on external validation that's less showy like my student evaluation scores or whether I get a grant funded or the like. But I crave shows of external validation like a magpie craves shiny little trinkets. And then, when I get my shiny little trinket, I sometimes wonder if I really deserve it (which may come from being an abuse survivor or from a Roman Catholic Upbringing or from being a typical midwestern female, I don't know.)

Second, I am feeling really introspective about human nature and some of the facts behind my situation. For years, I was uber-helpful to my colleagues, sometimes to my own detriment. I took over a disproportionate number of lectures for one colleague (three out of fifteen class sessions once a year) because she felt underprepared to teach the topics. I sometimes ended up late or underprepared for my own classes because I was fixing other colleagues' computer or projection problems. I got very little recognition or thanks for taking on the job of technical consultant or visiting lecturer on top of my regular duties.

Eventually I felt taken advantage of. The last straw was when one colleague asked me to create an introduction to research statistics for her 11 AM class because her lesson plan fell through -- at 10 AM that day. And I did it.

I came to realize that I was craving colleagues' approval so much that I had created these incredibly lax boundaries with them. If I had any resentment (and I did, because while I was being helpful, my classroom organization was suffering and my colleagues were getting awarded for theirs), it was my own doing.

So, as a result, I made myself slightly less available. I made sure my classes were in order before I would agree to help. I let them know that I would need lead time to prepare for a guest lecture in class, and that I only had a few minutes to help them. I did not cease to help -- only pointed out that I needed some of my own time to improve what I was doing.

So, the irony is, after giving my colleagues less of my time, after setting firmer boundaries with them, they have seen my contribution worthy of a service award.

I think I just learned something about human nature.