And the reason I feel so bad is because I believe I was perceived poorly and that makes me feel even worse that I worry so much that I was perceived poorly.

Here is a picture for Easter:

≡ Click to see image ≡

Sounds to me like you were just exercising your right to have the occasional bad day.

Lori, if you were me, this would be almost normal behavior. Do you never snap at your husband? Particularly when he's being annoying? (the only reason I wouldn't is that mr. gaspode will escalate his annoying-itude if I'm obviously getting pissed off with him. eventually I end up laughing, but it's usually that kind of manic "i want to kill you now" laughing...)

When I saw that picture, my brain automatically added the "Jaws" music and it made me giggle. JESUS IS UNDER YR WATER NOMMIN' YR D00DZ

...and that doesn't sound like bad behavior. It sounds like human behavior, LoriFLA. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing.

Do you think your neighbor has not had days like that? We all do, trust me. I know what you mean, though. I had something similar happen to me a few months ago when I had had a few drinks and was talking about something (and, omg, I can't even remember what now, which just shows how ultimately unimportant it was) that my husband did/didn't do, that I had warned him about beforehand... and someone in the party said something like, "yes, yes - you said, we know."

Oh, god. That was crushing, because I'm really not like that, and I was so incredibly humiliated to find myself being That Person. It still makes me cringe. Worse than cringe.

But, drinks or no drinks, my Achilles heel for equanimity is in the idea of things that could be avoided because one has the foresight to imagine what the bad outcome could possibly be, and therefore could take precautions against that bad thing happening - but doesn't. Just out of lethargy, or "it will probably be okay"-thinking. I can be stoic about almost everything, but not the instances where I say, "oh, we should/shouldn't do X, in case Y happens," and my husband is like, "oh, don't be silly/are you crazy, Y isn't going to happen," and responds like I'm nagging (which I don't do, and he couldn't/wouldn't ever accuse me of that) ... and then "Y" happens. aaaaargh. I lose it. So, I'm not a nag, but I can become a fairly serious bitch after-the-fact over avoidable stupidity.

Still rilly embarrassing, though. Anyway, I'm there with you, girlfriend. I understand.

Give yourself a break - everyone has a crap day now and then.

*hugs*

You know, I think sometimes we can get so focused on "being easygoing" that we let stuff that actually bothers us slide, and then that starts to build up, but we worry about expressing any of that annoyance because we think it's not really our personality, so it keeps building up, and eventually we end up in (what seems like) meltdown-mode.

And be "we" I mostly mean "me," but it sounds like it might apply to you, too. :-)

I really appreciated a therapist I had who would continually do a reality-check for me and let me know that the things I wanted to ask other people for but didn't because I thought it would be "too demanding" or "too controlling" were really just normal things to ask other people for. I had kind of internalized "nice" and "laidback" in such a way that it was leaving me resentful.

And that's no good for anyone.

It's ok to find things annoying, and it's possible to express that annoyance and still be a nice, good person. I'm still working on finding the line for myself, though, so I know it's hard.

(And none of this may apply to you, of course; I just find that it often does apply to a lot of us in the helping professions!)

If you're anything like my mom, and you wake up every morning at the crack of dawn (which you obviously do), and then spend the entire day on the go--non-stop, that too with a cold, and a soar throat--then by God you deserve some time to express yourself the way you want to. I think you've earned that right. And yeah--what taz said about your neighbours not having these sorts of issues too... not possible, we all have them, I'm sure.:)

Yeah, what everyone else said. This is totally normal, and not something to worry too much about.

Now, if you want a great example of behaving badly in public, I think I made a thread that fits that bill quite neatly... :P

Oh yes, I snap at my husband. We're a couple of snappers, but not in public. I felt like I was almost making a scene, even though I wasn't being loud.


So, I'm not a nag, but I can become a fairly serious bitch after-the-fact over avoidable stupidity.

Oh yes. I have done this. I'm probably worse. Husband is like, "I heard you once. I agreed with you. You don't have to grind it in and beat me down." Then I feel like the even bigger arsehole than just saying, I told you so!

occhi, it all applies to me. I do end up feeling resentful because I don't make my needs known. Case in point: The neighbor kids are at my house constantly. I have to keep a closer eye on them, since I am responsible for their safety while they are here. Some days I need to just chill and not be responsible for other children. I don't want to send them home or tell them they can't play, because, well, I'm a pushover. So, I end up resentful that I'm constantly supervising kids. I do enjoy the kids, but not every day. I know it's completely fair to say we're busy, but I don't want to appear unpleasant to a bunch of seven-year-olds! It's a problem. :-)

Thanks for the comments, guys. I'm feeling better already.

You don't sound like a moron to me. You sound like a MOM.

I've been thinking lately about the whole Mom business. I have just one lovable child, who smiles radiantly at me, adores me and runs up to me for big hugs. And it's still hard. There's never a day off, and you're on call 24 hours a day. Even when the baby goes to bed, and I can relax, he might wake up crying from a bad dream, or throwing up, or with a full diaper, or just because that's what babies sometimes do. And then I'm back on duty. I love it but it's hard. No amount of babysitting nieces and nephews or friends' kids can prepare you. Even if you get a few hours away, with someone trusted watching your kid, you are still thinking about them and still somehow responsible. So I get it. I know you have more kids than I do. I appreciate that it's hard.

Sometimes I think that being a mom is a similar experience to how soldiers describe war: Hours of mind-numbing boredom interrupted by moments of sheer terror. Of course parenthood includes moments of pure joy too .. which outnumber the bad ones by far in my house.

So you had a bad few hours. You're entitled. I have to say, when I started to read what you wrote, I expected something really terrible. It didn't sound so bad to me - I mean as a witness, not as the one experiencing it.

I hope your cold and sore throat gets better. Dr. Kangaroo prescribes some ice cream and a few hours of privacy with a trashy magazine or a book.

(((((hugs))))

If this is you at your worst, well. . . .

Everyone has a bad day. This just seemed like that, no more, no less.

*hug*

My family had the niceness compulsion big-time. There were times when our obligatory smiles felt etched in ice.

While I still have problems accepting that I'm not the world's most kind and easy-going individual, I find that I much prefer being around people who can be honestly cranky.

Many years ago, in a state of non-sobriety, I told a friend that if my life had any lasting impact on the world around me, I wanted that impact to be "pleasant." This friend and I usually saw things very similarly, so when he said "that's one of the oddest things I've ever heard," it really made me think about how deeply I must have internalized my family's social mores.

You could just not have any friends, like me. Seems to work out pretty well. The walls are good listeners.

Jon is a most patient man. I continue to work on not taking my bad moods out on other people. It's a self-control thing, I think. I'm a lot better about it than I used to be, but I still slip now and then.

I once threw one of our former best friends out of our apartment when her boyfriend suggested the reason they hadn't gotten together with us in several months: "Maybe it's you," he said. "Maybe you should leave," I said, and went into the bedroom in a huff, leaving Jon to escort them down the stairs. Embarrassing, to say the least (I can be a bit oversensitive). Needless to say, we haven't heard from them since.

I just don't play well with others. Most people don't seem to want to know the "warts and all" you. They just want your social face, and that gets exhausting.

My family had the niceness compulsion big-time. There were times when our obligatory smiles felt etched in ice.

Oh god, yeah. We didn't necessarily have to be "NICE nice" all the time, but we most certainly COULD NOT directly express it when we were sad or angry or frustrated. Stiff upper lip! Pretend to be British! You have no right to be upset! Come talk to me when you're cheerful once again!

So yeah, therapy's been good to sort of process through the decades of anger and grief we were pretty much forced to put a lid on.

you are all welcome in my big huge flat anytime to stay. Be yerselves! Scratch your butt! I take people as they are. The ones that are horrible and terrifying are the fake ones - pushing down their natural human behaviour makes them sociopathic I think.

She and her family have commented that I am "so easy going", and that I never yell, and that I'm so calm...

...I was in a bad mood. I don't like admitting I'm in a bad mood.

Oh, my, do I know that feeling, like you've cracked the veneer and let them have a peek underneath.

If your neighbor thinks this was notable at all, it's probably because she's relieved to see you have your crabby moments just like the rest of us.

like you've cracked the veneer and let them have a peek underneath.

Exactly.

My family had the nice gene too, and the non-complaining gene. And especially the don't inconvenience anyone gene.

I've been thinking about the way I behave, or react, in certain situations.

Today at a kid birthday party I found myself getting irritated. I was internally scoffing when the parent in front of us in line at the arcade counter allowed her son to take his sweet time picking out 20 different junk toys with his tickets that he earned from the video game machines. I'm the type of person that would hurry my kid up, remind him that there are people waiting, etc. I would probably rush him and make him get something he really didn't want so we wouldn't inconvenience anybody. There is probably nothing wrong with letting your child enjoy himself and pick the things he wants. Every parent seemed to be doing it, but I'm thinking about the people behind us. I have to wonder if this is healthy or normal and if doing harm to my kids by behaving this way.

I get very uncomfortable when my husband isn't nice to people. I think I care more that the neighbors will perceive us as unfriendly or rude. If we're in the driveway getting into our car and I say hello to the neighbors and he doesn't I get pissed. I question why I married this lout. When we get in the car, I'll say, "Why didn't you say hello?" He'll say, "I was on the other side of the truck. They didn't see me. I didn't feel like saying hello. We're not out here for a chat." I don't understand this. I want him to peek his head over and give a friendly wave and a hello. To show them, we're nice people, we're friendly, we're not uncouth.

and pips, my heart feels for you. I would have probably done the same thing.

Many Easters ago we were over my parents house and I was nursing my second baby. My father says to me, "are you sure you're doing the right thing? Have you researched it?" I got sort of pissed and defensive and accused him of not being supportive. He said, "well maybe you should just leave", and we did. That was a bad, sad Easter.

(Pissed and defensive because what kind of person would ask that? I felt like he was trying to control me, and was questioning my parenting. Have I researched it? What? Maybe I was being overly sensitive but I thought it was a dumb thing to say. Coming from my father only heightened my reaction.)

Your neighbor was probably relieved you were human.
My spectacular clumsiness reveals my true nature is cartoon form.
People love watching people trip. It's the heart of slapstick. The slap part, in fact.

Thanks, LoriFLA, I appreciate the commiseration. I'm sorry that happened with your Dad. Last fall, my whole immediate family, my mom and brothers and their families, went off to a cousin's daughter's wedding without me. For some reason, my cousin didn't invite me. I have no idea why. I used to babysit for his daughter. I went to his other daughter's wedding. It seems like since my father died, my family, except for my mom, has been cutting me out of family events. (I'm the mistress's daughter, after all.) Only my mom (my father's wife, who adopted me when I was nine, after I went to live with my father) stuck up for me. My cousin couldn't give her any reason why I wasn't invited. If only my father was still alive. They'd have had an empty table at that wedding. What really hurt was my brothers going off to the wedding without even telling me. I always thought they considered me family, but now I think that after my mom dies (which I hope isn't for a long, long time, though she's 92), I'll be cut out completely.

Well, hell. Maybe it's not so bad not having any family anyway. I have Jon, and we have our life together. And I still have my mom. I just wish it didn't bother me so much.

I know what you mean, Pips. Family, no matter how clueless, crazy, or mean, has that ability to cause us so much pain.