I guess the venting forced me to respond to the invites. I replied yes to one, and no to another. Thanks for letting me express, people. :)

Welcome to my world, LoriFLA. :

LoriFLA: I understand what you're talking about. Personally, I vacillate between really outgoing, and being introverted - avoiding people I recognize on the street, etc.

For me the key to managing it has been to understand that when I feel I don't have the energy for other people, it's usually because I haven't been paying attention to myself. The well is dry. By that I mean I've allowed myself to get too busy doing too much stuff for job or friends or SO or family, not gotten enough sleep, not eaten well, not taken time to do relaxing things I enjoy. Going on like that for a while tends to draw down my energy to the point where even a casual interaction feels like too great an effort.

When things are calmer and I feel like my needs are being met, I'm much more eager to be around people and do things.

But the luncheons, the kids' events? Never, ever feel you have to do stuff you don't want to do, even if you like the person. Charity luncheons are nice and fine, but not everybody goes for them. There are donors at my organization who take us aside and say "I support your cause, so here's my check, but puh-LEEZE don't expect me to put a table together for the fundraiser dance. I hate those things." It's fine! You have lots of choices - just saying "no thanks, I have set charities I give to and I'm already committed to them all" to "Thanks for the invite, I can't make it, but can I make a small donation?" to "That's wonderful that you do that. I've never been a big luncheon person, though. If you ever need envelopes stuffed or something and want to come over for coffee and chat, I'll help you with that..." or, flat-out, "I appreciate the invite, but I recently made a resolution to cut back on my scheduled commitments. Life has gotten too crazy and I need time to rest and re-connect with myself."

But yeah, doing stuff you don't want to do just because other people asked will definitely start making you tired of people. Put yourself first. Don't feel bad turning this stuff down - make time for yourself!

I was going to say exactly everything that Miko just said (as usual!).

Don't feel bad about taking some time for yourself. A lot of times, the anxiety comes because we *think* that taking the time is bad, rather than because taking the time actually is bad, if that makes sense -- that is, you may be feeling anxious because you're judging your need to for alone time too harshly.

Oh hells yeah. Not that I've ever been invited to a luncheon (good!) but at one point I went to so many of my mans pals weddings and baby christenings I told him that he'd have to marry me before we ever went to another one. I really can't stand either, the whole going to church three times in your life posse tick me off (wedding, baptisms and funerals only). Fine if you want to be like that but don't force me to witness any symbolic splashing of water on baby heads when you're never going to take the kid to church again and I'm not christian so I feel really uncomfortable just plain being there. "But it's tradition!" GAAAAH!

In the last few months I've gotten invited to a couple of those horrible tupperware-esque "parties" by pretty good friends. Not great friends, mind you, or they'd not have invited me in the first place. Those are horrid. I didn't go, and in fact, told the hostesses that I just don't go to things like that. Plus, one of them was Amway, and HELL NO!

Otherwise, I like invitations to planned things, because it feels much less scary to me than just getting together with people to go out somewhere. I must like the structure.

You can't do everything, it's just impossible. I, too, am working on saying "No" to things I don't want to do (performing in things I don't find very good, church events that don't peak my interest). It's tough!

I really can't stand either, the whole going to church three times in your life posse tick me off (wedding, baptisms and funerals only). Fine if you want to be like that but don't force me to witness any symbolic splashing of water on baby heads when you're never going to take the kid to church again

Ha, that's funny. I don't really get that, either, but to each their own!

I am never aggravated with invitations because I never feel bad about turning them down. That's how it's supposed to work.

I wish people would invite me to things more often.

I hear you, Lori. Some times of the year (the holidays, the summer) it feels like everybody wants a piece of you. Between my friends and family, his friends and family,our friends, the kid's friends--our weekends are often booked for months at a time. Yet, I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's the last minute stuff that really bugs me, though. I don't mean spur-of-the-moment "hey, wanna come over for dinner?" type invitations. Those can be fun. I'm talking about the ones that just assume that you will drop everything to be there or that you have nothing better to do. My inlaws are famous for this. They don't issue invitations as much as decrees and you're lucky if they give you a week. And if you don't drop everything (including plans you made with friends MONTHS ago) to accommodate lunch with Nanny or dinner with his visiting brother, well, then you DON'T VALUE FAMILY and there is much pouting and shunning and awfulness.

I am never aggravated with invitations because I never feel bad about turning them down. That's how it's supposed to work.

Very true. But, I have anxiety and feel bad about saying no repeatedly. I have to say yes once and a while or the friendship can fizzle. Honestly, sometimes I don't care if some of them fizzle. My longest and closest friendships aren't in jeopardy, but the new friendships can be. One cannot say no every single time (like I am tempted to do when I am in these moods) or else the invites stop coming. And then I will be anxious that the invites aren't there. I don't know how to handle it. I want to not care. At the moment I am happy hanging out with my husband, chatting with my kids' friend's mothers and neighbors and being a homebody. Other times I am out doing lots of things and loving my social life and am upset that husband doesn't want to participate as much as I do. I guess I'm on a down-cycle. Maybe I'm morphing into my husband and his introverted ways.

Thanks so much for the comments and advice. Miko, I love the idea of offering to stuff envelopes or something else very low key and non-committal. I don't and shouldn't feel bad about saying no to every charity thing that comes my way. Today I responded no can do to the luncheon and I am so relieved!

It is true that I am often in these blah-I-don't-want-to-do-anything-social moods when I am not taking care of myself.

One cannot say no every single time (like I am tempted to do when I am in these moods) or else the invites stop coming. And then I will be anxious that the invites aren't there.

I've already gotten myself into that situation. I declined one invite (from a relatively close friend from middle school) and now I don't get any of them. I still hear about all the goings-on through Facebook and Livejournal, but I'm not invited. Which kinda sucks.

But in a way, I'm glad. I don't have to deal with those stresses. I'm terrible in social situations and am perfectly happy to interact through the internet. (Yay isolation!) I have one friend that I regularly connect with and she lives a 5 hour drive away.

I'm just resigned to being alone. I'm not a big partier and I'm not exactly sociable. That's the way these things roll.

Levity:

The Mister is the Godfather to one of The Friend's twins. The Friend's marriage was already starting to falter, and I had become persona non grata to Friend's Wife.

The Baby Dunking was the day of (after?) daylight savings time, we didn't switch the clocks, woke up waaay late, and I ended up in the church wayy hung over, in sunglasses, and feeling and smelling like the back seat of a chevy. We barely made it, but we Had To Go.

Good times.

Just choose what is obligatory and what isn't, and say no to those things that aren't, until you're feeling up to it.

The mental image is killing me, rainbaby. :D

It takes a LOT for me to reach out to people (as I said before, calling the LA meetup was completely out of context for me) and hurts when 99.99999999% of the time I'm turned down.