That's very sweet. Hopefully none of them were too embarrassing to read out-loud. I think the one I sent you was fairly tame, as things go :)

Aw, hadjiboy, what a touching story.

Very nice. So are you in India right now? (sorry if that is a dumb question)

I've sort of accepted the hand I've been dealt over the past couple of years and have now decided to play the best game I can with them.

And that is the wise person's key to happiness. Congratulations on finding it so young, hadjiboy.

I felt so bouyed by my Valentines. I knew it would be a day of silly fun, but it was also very touching.

So are you in India right now?

Yup, the good ol' I-N-D-I-A.

Elsa, it took me a whole lot of hating to reach this point, but I'm finally happy!

or at least as close to it as I can be

hajiboy, I know you are a young man in India, and I know nothing more about you.

Is there something preventing you from hitting the street and making some friends?

I realize that you can't just open a can'o'friends, heaven knows, but do you have some circumstances that keep you away from other people there?

I apologize for the awkwardness of this question. . .I am just curious, and I care.

What Elsa said.

Congratulations!

Is there something preventing* you from hitting the street and making some friends?

It's hard to find like minded people, is about as good an answer I can give. I just don't feel like anyone "gets" me over here. (Which is why I adore Mecha and Mefi so much; you guys sound like my kind of people!)

*I was going to start another thread on this topic, but might as well post it over here--I'd gone out today evening to get a couple of CDs for tonight, and there was this really cute girl that came in after me. I'm pretty cool with the lady who runs the place so we were chatting it up, and I was just wondering if I should maybe come out of my comfort zone a little bit and say something to her. But I always get tongue tied in those sorts of situations--what do you say--what can you say that won't come across as creepy? Hi?? Man, the only problem with that one is--what if she answers... what then!

Aww, your mother sounds a lot like mine when it comes to her kid's apparent lack of a real world social life :)

A link that might help:

http://succeedsocially.com/

As far as the creepiness issue is concerned -- you can't control other peoples' reactions to you. You just can't. If the woman isn't attracted to you, it doesn't matter if you have the best opener in the world, she's going to think it's creepy. If she is attracted to you, she'll cut you some slack.

In any event, try not to overthink the opening line. Just something to break the ice, or commenting on something around you, or something. And don't try one of those goofy fuckin' "lines" like "Here's you with all these curves and here's me with no brakes" because those almost always come across poorly.

Or, as Dan Savage put it:

All unwelcome advances are made by assholes . . . while all welcome advances are made by non-assholes. But since it is the reaction of the advanced-upon that determines asshole status (i.e., if she wants to fuck you then you're not an asshole), and since you can't know if an advance is unwelcome until after you've made it, you have to risk sounding like an asshole or you'll never get laid. No one ever gets laid without sounding like an asshole every once in a while. So are you an asshole? There's only one way to find out: Hit on her. Be respectful and upbeat about it, and do it at an appropriate moment . . . But risk sounding like an asshole . . . or you'll never get laid.

-Dan Savage

I've had plenty of guys say hello to me, and I wasn't attracted to them, and I didn't find it creepy. I've also had attractive guys say hello and found it VERY creepy. I've always found Dan Savage (and similar advice) to be way off the mark on these things.

If you're polite and understand boundaries, you're not going to come off as creepy. Behavior gets labeled as creepy by one person and non-creepy by another because the non-creepy person got a sense of the boundaries in play, and respected them -- that is, in this example, the woman who was approached indicated that she was interested, so the guy pushed a bit further, she was receptive, he went further. If you go further without understanding whether she wants you to, that is when it turns creepy.

I understand that social awkwardness can make defining other people's desires difficult. But the idea that there's some sort of unfair double-standard based solely on one's attractiveness isn't quite right.

To me, the difference between friendly and creepy is confidence. If a person sounds friendly and confident and outgoing when they say "hi" or bring me into a random strangers' conversation, then it's usually cool. I know they're just being friendly and feel comfortable joining in. If the person sounds needy or clingy or desperate, it's really off-putting and a little creepy and makes me want to run.

I know this isn't particularly fair of me, as lots of needy-sounding people are really nice and I'm sure they would be lots of fun to hang out with. But it's definitely my instant reaction.

But, it's really hard because the times you most want to reach out to people are usually the times you feel most needy.

My advice? Learn to fake it. I'm alone a lot of the time (whether I've moved to a new place or am traveling), and being able to fake a confident conversation-opener (even when I felt really alone and desperate) has helped me to meet tons of interesting new people.

But the idea that there's some sort of unfair double-standard based solely on one's attractiveness isn't quite right.

You misread what I say. So, to clarify my earlier comment . . .

The point is: hadjiboy is worried that if he opens his mouth and starts to talk to women, they will think poorly of him and consider him creepy.

No one goes through life as a social being without the occasional negative evaluation. You can work to minimize those negative reactions by paying attention to people's body language, seeing if they're in the mood to talk, etc.

But no matter how attractive you may be, or respectful, or polite, you are going to get turned down sometimes. That's life. Someone isn't going to like your clothes, your perceived social type . . . and some of them are going to think that you're creepy, no matter how nicely you may approach them.

You have to take some risks in this world. Occhiblu, your point about respecting boundaries is very apt. But I don't think that hadjiboy can get a sense of the boundaries in play, when to push a little and when to back off, unless he takes a few risks and starts opening his mouth. Right now, the only boundary he seems to be dealing with is the one he's imposed between himself and the world.

I made that comment in order to encourage him and to let him know that, yes, sometimes his attempts to reach out won't work very well but that he has to keep trying anyway.

(My apologies for talking about you in the third person, hadjiboy.)

Heh, no problem. (I can totally understand what occhi is saying. In fact, I understand it so well, that I'd rather not approach a girl for fear of creeping her out.) I think I equate approaching a woman as some sort of sexual taboo, which isn't surprising having been raised in a conservative Muslim household. I can barely raise my eyes to even acknowledge a girl's presence, let alone walk up to her.

But I appreciate your advice jason's_planet. (I was actually thinking of posting something on Craigs List and then sort of lost interest in it. Maybe I should give it another try?)

Gah! Interactions with the opposite sex sucks, unless it's with the bhunnies;)

I've had plenty of guys say hello to me, and I wasn't attracted to them, and I didn't find it creepy.

Let the record show that I've never met occhiblu in real life....

hadjiboy- Here's the thing. When you first arrived on the scene here, I got the sense you didn't like who you were very much (or at least that in the past you didn't). Through the wonders of bunny therapy (and no doubt a lot of introspection on your part), though, I can see that you do like who are now. That is the key: Learn to like yourself, and you will become more likeable. At some point when you least expect it, you will meet the right girl and she will be drawn to like you for who you are and things will work from there. You have to have faith it will happen, because it will.

-Signed,

The Biggest Dork when Around Women EVAR Until I Met Mrs. Doohickie

I think I equate approaching a woman as some sort of sexual taboo, which isn't surprising having been raised in a conservative Muslim household. I can barely raise my eyes to even acknowledge a girl's presence, let alone walk up to her.

I hear you. And I understand that there are aspects of your experience that I'm probably not going to get at first because we come from different cultures. If any of my suggestions are inappropriate to your circumstances, I apologize.


But I appreciate your advice jason's_planet.

You're welcome. Anytime! As for craigslist, it's worth a try. Give it a shot.