I've had that happen in existing relationships, where interest has just sort of fizzled for the other person, and in both cases, they decided "I like you too much to date you" was somehow an appropriate thing to say.

Really, it's not. I can't think of a more confusing message. Plus, both of them then expected me to transition into "close friends" immediately -- like, that instant -- because Hey! He just said he liked me! and so I ended up going along with that and then later having to be wracked with guilt about my desire to end the friendships once I realize that they didn't really like me at all, they just didn't want to be bad guys.

So, um, yeah. I'm sure it sounds good in theory, but don't use that one, please.

I can attest to the utter insanity surrounding "I don't look at you that way." A friend of mine is a perpetual non-man in the eyes of his female friends, it seems like.

I have used the, "It's not you, it's me" line with great success in the past.

But I must add: in that particular situation, it really WAS me. I was a mess.

A gets propositioned by B.

A looks deeply and caringly into B's eyes, puts a finger to B's lips and says "We must never speak of this again. It cannot be."

A hugs B long and hard, and walks away without another word.

Ok, it takes ovaries or balls to pull off, but I think it would work if there wasn't an already existing relationship, and B wasn't a creep.

A gets propositioned by B.

But what if A and B are friends, and share friends. And B sees him or herself on a "relationship" track, and A in no way shares that thinking, seeing A as just another (albeit fun and interesting) part of her circle of friends.

Any remedy for that?

When I was single, I never rejected anybody, so I'd be the wrong person to ask. But 'I don't think of you that way' is the worst thing to say, worse than 'I find you utterly repulsive.'

But any way you cut it, rejection sucks, since you've made yourself vulnerable by emotionally exposing yourself to another person and if it's unrequited that's humiliating no matter how you look at it. I remember when I was a teenager, I was scared to ask girls out (I was a scrawny, pimply goofball which didn't help) mainly because I always had this vision of them not only saying 'no' but looking at me incredulously or bursting out laughing or something. I think a lot of guy have that in their heads.

You just have to say exactly what danf just said, as directly and compassionately as possible. "I get the impression you're seeing us on a relationship track, but that's not really how I'm thinking. You're fun and interesting and I like your company as part of our circle of friends." Or something to that effect, officer. Done it many times, had it done to me many times. Sure, it feels bad on the receiving end for a while, but it's direct and respectful and the friendships stand.

Honest, kind tones, open heart and ears, and simply say the words. "I don't feel about you that way."

The real issue is what will happen after you tell the person. That usually comes down to the person being embarrassed or feeling shame - hurt. Actually, it would be easy if the person just freaked out, but the former is much more likely.

Next, you'll have to deal with the awkward afterward. Will the goodbye/night be final? Have you social plans already penned in? Does the person need time to decide if they want or can be friends? Maybe the other person can call you with activity plans when s/he is ready?

Good luck, eliz, let us know how it goes. Preferably with pictures and audio-visual reenactments.

danf: If there isn't an existing intimate relationship, just a friends relationship that someone wants to take further, it could work! They could still speak of other things. A might change their mind. B gets a hit of intimacy that doesn't cross a line and that B can ruminate over for weeks.

Oblique is better than direct in that scenario. If you're trying to get out of a relationship, shoot - it's gonna be messy, just be honest.

Oh, rainbaby, I so wish I could pull that off without bursting into loud, raucous laughter half-way through.

danf, in this case, yeah. It also doesn't help that said shared friends have spent months pushing me at B in spite of repeated statements of "No. Not interested. Ain't gonna happen. There's no *there* there." These conversations lead me to suspect that poor B is being encouraged by the same people, thus nullifying anything I may say to the contrary. I have indeed been in B's position, and it was devastating to realize that in spite of what others had told me, that particular A was not in the least interested in anything more than friendship. I'm trying to avoid that.

I have to admit I'm also just generally interested in people's opinions on the subject, as well as what the weirdest, wtf?!? lines you've heard or heard of.

on preview: MonkeyButter, the annoying part is that we've already had that situation. B didn't talk to me for a couple of weeks, would leave when I showed up, etc. Then we were friends again. Now it looks like he's heading down that garden minefield again.

So the reenactment won't contain animatronic smurfs?

Seriously, what else can you do but continue to say the same thing over and over again to him until he gets it. This just happened to a friend of me. The guy would not take no for an answer. She stayed firm giving him the same exact decline each time, only saw him with other people around, and eventually, he gave up.

I hope it works out.

In the past, I've been honest and simply stated that, for whatever reason, the chemistry isn't there for me. Depending on the person/situation, more explanation has been given, and sometimes a compassionate compliment.

I've also been in a situation (twice) where I've had to tell the guy flat out that I'm not interested in any way, shape, or form, and that he absolutely must stop calling me.

I think my turn on the receiving end that was the hardest to deal with is when a guy never really fessed up that he wasn't interested, and I saw him kissing someone else. Ouch.

I just always started sleeping with someone else. That usually did the trick.

"I'm too busted up to rodeo any more."

The cryin' shame is, that ain't hyperbole these days. But then again, I haven't had call to use it as much, since the smoke started thinning out, in bars.

Maybe... "I like you so much... but, you're really just not my physical type"? (If this is true.)

I'm not saying I ever said this to anyone, but guys are usually pretty upfront about having fairly specific physical preferences, and even though they can see that another woman is nice looking in her way, it's not a way that they are attracted to.

Guys?

I don't know. I've been married or with someone since sometime B.C., so the answer there is pretty damn easy. If I were just saying what came naturally, I'd say "I like you, friend-like, but not boyfriend-like. Now let's have a drink."

"I don't like you that way, but we can still have hot sex without the ballast of romantic or financial entanglement to drag us down."

Actually, that's just what I kept hoping they would say. Usually it was more along the lines of, "How'd you get in here? Did you have a KEY made?"

Elizard: It's a pretty small island. I bet your friends are just never going to quit, are they.

lol, bop!

I've always been kind of lucky in that I chose people who were into me.

It's pretty fucking easy to tell when a girl digs you. Isn't it?

It's pretty fucking easy to tell when a girl digs you. Isn't it?

Generally, no. Women's signals are incredibly subtle, so a lot of us miss them, and after a few rejections you get skittish about interpreting all but the most blatant signals as interest.

It's pretty fucking easy to tell when a girl digs you. Isn't it?

Not for this social Mr Magoo. My ex-wife had to say, "Are you going to ask me out or what?", before I got a clue.

chuckdarwin, do I dig you? Check yes or no.

Check yes or no.

I'd have to see your eyes.

Generally, no. Women's signals are incredibly subtle, so a lot of us miss them, and after a few rejections you get skittish about interpreting all but the most blatant signals as interest.

Maybe I just went with the blatant ones. As I recall, I was playing guitar and concentrating on music 24/7 and people would have to be pretty direct to get my attention.

wtf?!? lines you've heard or heard of.

"I want to cancel our lovership."

I really heard this, about 5 weeks into a relationship, or at least 5 weeks after the first romp in the sack. I had sort of had my eye on this person for a few years, and when the opportunity arose, I went for it, but at first denied any romantic feelings, since she'd have fled.

But we sort of slipped into the red zone, and things were going well, I thought.

My only suggestion, which probably isn't a good one, is "Ooh, I'm really into you too and by the way, I have a raging case of herpes but it's okay we can keep the lights off!"

"Yeah, um, I "like" you too, I just don't "like" you enough to make scheißeporn with you. I've seen what you eat."

There's no easy option, and anything that's frank enough to be understood will hurt the other party deeply, so the friendliest thing to do is to be honest.

But anyway, in the spirit of the question...
You're a friend to me, but I can't give you any more than that.
The possibility of us going out and then falling out is too much of a risk. You're too important to me for me to complicate this.
What star sign are you ... (answer) ... Oh, that's a shame.

Or you can just do what I do, and avoid the person til they stop chasing you. (It's not a good solution, I know.)

Maybe... "I like you so much... but, you're really just not my physical type"? (If this is true.)

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph no!!!
As a girl, if I got this, I would mentally hear "you know, it's a shame you're SUCH A LARDASS!"
Guys are insecure, too! You might be ok if someone said tha, but I know guys who, if confronted with that would instantly think "It's because I'm short/skinny/going bald/have a potbelly" etc and be double crushed, by both the rejection and the percieved insult against their looks.

"I don't like you that way, but we can still have hot sex without the ballast of romantic or financial entanglement to drag us down."

Y'know, that's worked surprisingly well for me in the past, BoP. Except for that one time, but the record's been sealed on that, and my memory's a bit fuzzy, so it's just like it didn't happen, right?

kellydamnit, that's an issue, too. My lack of romantic interest has more to do with incompatible personalities, but he's really self-conscious about his weight, so I'm trying to avoid referring to the physical type thing. I'm also conscious of the fact that I'm not the bodacious 26 year old I was when I was, well, 26, and how it would feel to be on the receiving end of that. (Although it is true that he doesn't fit my physical type, either--tall, skinny geek-men, preferably black Irish but I'm flexible. Mmmmm. I'm so glad I grew out of the musician fixation. Kind of. Unless they're also geeky.)

The lovely matildaben has it in one--it's a very small island (pop 1100, social circle of maybe 20). There's some damned good advice here, though--thank you. I'll try it out. MonkeyButter, no Smurfs in the reportback, but would interpretive dance be okay? Or maybe a series of appropriate cocktails, followed by interpretive dance?

One of the worst I've been on the receiving end of? (A few days after a badly judged one-night stand): (me, quietly) "So should I give you my number?" (him, loudly) "Ha! No." He has a reputation as a belligerent drunk, though, apparently well-earned.

Oh, I think it sucks, too kellydamnit! But if the framework of the question is you can't use any variant of "I don't like you that way," I was trying to think of an alternative that remains clear without the suggestion that someday it might work, but not today.

Then I wondered if in some strange way "not my physical type" might be something that women would shudder to say/hear, but men might be more like, "Oh, okay; I'm like that, too. I get that." But yeah... I wouldn't think so.

It seems like the "like you as a friend"/"don't have that kind of chemistry" answers are the only way to deal with it if you don't want the question to creep up again, as they most likely will if you say something like "I'm still getting over my last relationship" or "I don't feel like I can deal with any kind of relationship right now".

But since Jon brought it up, I wonder what his ideas are about a better response?

I've actually used the line "I've done the playmate thing but now I'm looking for a lifemate and if you're not as broody as I am don't waste our time as I have none to spare."

I was dumped once with some bizarre line of "I'm feeling this is a lie. I'll never see you dressed in Filippa K ya know?" which I found pretty strange and offending at the same time - I looked like a platinum blond Audrey Hepburn would have had she been a manga carachter with huge boots at the time, so yeah he was seriously barking up the wrong tree if he was looking for a conservative/bland design snob. still can't believe I wasted a week on that prick. grr.

OK, the Philippa K line and the "cancel our lovership" line both made me laugh in horror.

People are so very weird.

I would be as honest as you can, which will be uncomfortable, but really not leave things open for discussion.
-I like being friends with you.
-I do not have any romantic feelings for you. (this is key, because it manages to put it on you, as opposed to on your perception of him)
-Because we are part of the same circle of friends it is difficult to say this, since I don't want things to be strained between us in the future, but I'm not interested in any relationship beyond the friendship we share now.

You're under no obgligation to tell him why you do not see him in a romantic way. If he presses, mention personality issues, but avoid the physical as that's where things get feelings-hurty.

I wouldn't make jokes about "yo, we can be FWB, k![1]" (and I really wouldn't make a joke about the herp unless you want everyone in your social circle to think you've really got it in about 1 week!)
yeah, you'll hurt his feelings. But, well, the only way NOT to cause any hurt feelings would be to reciprocate his feelings and date him, and that's not happening.

[1]never, ever have sex with someone who likes you when you don't dig them back. It only ends up compounding the hurt feelings.

Elizard, I know what you mean, when I was younger, my type was totally tall, skinny geek men with little round glasses (viz, my ex-husband, although he's not so skinny anymore). (I always thought your ex was pretty hot too, wink wink.) But, as you can tell from viewing my Flickr stream, I've become much more flexible in my attractions, with great results (there's something really awesome about a big broad pair of shoulders to hold on to). It's all about the brains and the personality, anyway. And the pheromones. Liking the way they smell. Apparently it has something to do with compatible immune systems, hence producing a stronger offspring (in an evolutionary sense - I personally am still not going to produce babies).

I second the "I don't have any romantic feelings" approach, BTW.