MetaChat - Stress - need ideas/insight

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16 August 2007

Stress - need ideas/insight →[More:]Ok, I've intimated a few times here that mrs. tr33 and I are working on a family. She's reached the point where she's decided to really, really cut back on her drinking. She's decided not to drink at all this coming weekend, for example, and while we really don't usually drink much during the week (she rarely does, me sometimes), we do on the weekends.

I know this is a good thing.

We quit cleaning the catpan (see here) a few months ago, mostly. I've hit our old wooden bowl a few times since then, just in an obscene effort to burn any remaining gunk. But it's been a few months since we've really had any, and I was a regular (and I do mean regular) user.

So here's my dilemma. Again, I know it's a good thing that she is dropping the substances. And I know that whilst we are trying, it's a good thing for me to stay away from the herb.

But I know it's going to make her uncomfortable (and perhaps aggravated, perhaps angry) for me to continue drinking around her, at least in excess. In fact, I'm planning on buying a bottle of wine today to drink tonight, and it will probably just be me hitting the juice. See, I don't want to stop. I know it'd be good for me to cut back and all that - I'm sure I will.

But I'm afraid that if I feel pushed into completely quitting, I'll start doing it behind her back. Like, over lunch, or rushing to get home first so I can slug a few beers, or so on.

Honestly, I'd prefer to just go back to the catpan, keep a little stash for myself and use it occasionally, obviously not fire up right in front of her, but whenever I get the (strong) urge to get out of my head.

Should I just talk to her about this? We have a good, solid, loving relationship, but I do have a few instances of hiding things from her in the past.

Should I just suck it up and try to live clean? My fear here is that I will fail, and in failing again resort to deception or sneaking.

Argh, I don't even know if I'm looking for answers, but I needed somewhere anonymous to get this out. And I do respect the hell out of many of you. So, I'm open to any thoughts.

post by: tr33hggr at: 08:57 | 23 comments

I feel you about not wanting to be forced. I really believe that to quit (substance) the choice has to be one's own. That said, a couple of ideas for trying to live clean...

- Don't promise yourself you're going to stop for all time. Tell yourself, I won't do it today.
- Have a craving? Eat a candy bar. Simple, but it's been recommended over and over.

Whatever you decide to do, try to remain open and honest with the Mrs--sneaking around doesn't do a relationship any good. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.

posted by Joe Invisible 16 August | 09:15

Sigh. I hear you Joe. I sometimes think I spent too much time alone, single, and it gave me a sense of isolation and privilege. Like, I can do what I want, and no one needs to know.

I realize I have an addictive personality. I've been biting my nails since I was 10.

posted by tr33hggr 16 August | 09:19

Wow, i haven't seen my aunt for so long, and cleaning the captain sounds so possibly dirty it's sad i missed that.

Avoid the sneaking around. That's just no good for anyone. Gather your facts and see what's what and talk it out. i'd prefer the cat pan, too, for many reasons but i may calls for cleaning of other pipes that is not conducive for baby making.
Interesting to see some mechatters suggesting movies i have been considering on the netflix.

Good lord, i need a cat.
*sobs*

posted by ethylene 16 August | 09:28

it not i

My typos have nothing to do with captains and catpans, and everything to do with screwy keyboards and missing maiden aunts.

posted by ethylene 16 August | 09:30

What do you plan to do about substances when the kid's around?

I ask because, and I mean no judgement here, what you describe sounds like dependence. Will you drink a lot and smoke up on weekends when you have a new baby? If not, when will the behavior change take place?

posted by Miko 16 August | 09:35

When we had a baby, my wife went totally "clean" in the way of caffiene and alcohol. Pot and coke had just sorta fallen away on their own in the years before.

As I remember, I still drank coffee and had an occasional glass of beer or wine. No biggie.

But previous to that, neither of us were big users of alcohol, so I don't think that I can shed much light.

But you are BOTH having a baby, and at the start, you will BOTH be contributing genetic material, so keep that in mind.

What I might consider is to not bring any alcohol home, but if you are out, then have a glass or two. She can maybe take a sip.

But yeah, sneaking around is probably worse than getting drunk in front of her.

Good luck. Once a kid comes, a lot of your former habits will seem rather quaint and unimportant.

posted by danf 16 August | 09:38

Miko, I've thought about that. Honestly, the dependence is related to free time - having a child will erase that free time and fill it with all sorts of other wonderful things. So, will I drink and smoke when we are parents. Sure, but rarely. I imagine the majority of my time will be spent changing diapers, picking up toys, making dinners, and so on.

But a good question, and I appreciate your honesty. It is a dependence, and I don't deny that at all.

posted by tr33hggr 16 August | 09:54

Seconding what Joe said about "Don't promise yourself you're going to stop for all time." You're not trying to end an addiction. You are trying to provide the best possible start to your family, and that's not a forever thing.

I'm pretty "habitual", but my wife and I agreed that I wouldn't clean the catpan for three months before we even began trying to conceive, and then continue to stay straight at least through the first trimester. This is the time I was sort of "carrying the baby" ... building the little fellas responsible my providing half the genetics for our kids. I don't actually believe there is *much* of a connection between smoking and the quality of my sperm, but I did it because that was the requirement to do what I wanted to do, namely start a family. It was pretty easy to do in that context, knowing that I could go back to enjoying that part of my life after I'd done my part.

Don't sneak, but at the same time only do it when you have opportunities to partake without tempting your wife (who has signed on for a much longer clean period, remember). It's good practice for finding times to "relax" when the kids come.

Good luck ... kids really worth the sacrifice in my experience.

posted by danostuporstar 16 August | 10:15

(Also, if you're a hot bath lover like me, consider giving those up awhile too.)

posted by danostuporstar 16 August | 10:17

'Hot bath lover'?

posted by box 16 August | 10:29

I think dano is alluding to the fact that boiled eggs make for poor swimmers.

posted by Joe Invisible 16 August | 10:32

Yeah, no euphemism there. :) Just another habit that I put on hold that came to mind.

posted by danostuporstar 16 August | 10:38

Good advice dano, and thanks to all. It will take, and is time for, some inner thinking and adjusting. This (a family) is something I really want, and I know I want it more than smoking or drinking.

posted by tr33hggr 16 August | 10:44

I was hoping it was something like hotknifing, only much, much more so.

Also: Does taking a hot bath kill sperm?

posted by box 16 August | 10:45

Is everyone gonna talk about underwear and positions now, 'cuz i gotta go--
i'm glad you don't want to sneak around and lie to your wife, hggyb34r.

posted by ethylene 16 August | 10:57

tr33hggr, I totally empathise with you, AND with your wife's (potential) position. I decided to give up any sort of cat-box related behavior halfway through my senior year in college (due to looming drug tests and potential Security Clearance questions), and I sometimes got pretty upset when my then-boyfriend-now-fiance would occasionally "visit Major Tom" without me - I can't really explain why, except that it used to be something we did together. It made me anxious to think of him sneaking around behind my back, afraid to tell me what he was up to, because he knows how anxious the whole thing makes me. See! It's a catch-22 for both of us.

So if you want to keep drinking and smoking, be upfront about it. Just realize that she's not going to like you very much if you get really drunk and sloppy, or really sandy and boring. I wouldn't mind if my fiance had, say, one drink, but if he's finishing off a whole bottle then he's going to get annoying.

posted by muddgirl 16 August | 11:10

tr33, i agree with what everyone else said. i'm also going to take (my) predictable route and suggest that to help fight cravings, you might also try substituting endorphin-creating activities (exercise, nookie, etc.).

i have inherited addictive cravings from both sides of my family and it's no lie that we handle stress very poorly. maternal side = alcoholism, stress-related autoimmune disorders and prescription painkiller addictions. paternal side = (also) alcoholism, sex & the related marital issues, driving too goddamn fast (seriously, no joke i've lost relatives this way) speed and coke.

me = a (hopefully) healthy bike addiction. in my youth it was fast horses + large obstacles, in my teens it was street skateboarding + large ramps and (also) driving too goddamn fast.

so far the exercise / activity thing's worked in my favour (less a few bumps, bruises and broken bones, natch). i drink a little these days but not anywhere near to the extremes my family did/does. i just have other pressure valve releases.

i don't know if this helps at all, i hope it does tho.

posted by lonefrontranger 16 August | 11:12

Should I just talk to her about this?

Yeah.

posted by Specklet 16 August | 11:17

Good luck!

posted by Miko 16 August | 12:23

i don't know if this helps at all, i hope it does tho.

It all helps, believe me.

And the funny thing is (and I missed out on this thread), she doesn't understand the whole MetaChat thing. She sort of understood MeFi - it was a place I got funny links and occasionally got into an argument - but now I rarely go there (even more rarely comment), but I talk about you guys all the time. That boggles her. But although I have friends IRL, I'd never talk to them about this stuff. I can be much more open with you all. Gah, I wish I could attend a Bunnystock and meet you all in person!

posted by tr33hggr 16 August | 13:00

Dang, man, just TALK to her!

Sometimes, in our family, one of us will be fasting (for religious reasons) for a day or so, or even longer. It's no problem if the rest of the fam eats in front of that person. Could be that she'd be just fine if you had a glass of vino in front of her.

Meanwhile, go to a wine shop and see if you can find a quality nonalcoholic wine. Just last night we polished off a Duplin scuppernong nonalcoholic wine. (Not sure if this is something you have to live in NC to find. ) Anyway, it isn't a total substitute (I have the full octane Duplin scuppernong at Mom's house occasionally) but it comes close enough.

posted by bunnyfire 16 August | 16:35

I like your idea of you very much limiting drink/smoke but occasionally giving yourself the escape route of behind-her-back tokes. Cold turkey sucks and there's nor reason for you to do that.

Life's too short. Don't sweat little things.

posted by shane 16 August | 19:40

Enh...the mister didn't give up drinking with either of my pregnancies and it really wasn't a big deal. I've done 18 months (total) of designated driver duty. He'll be paying me back for that for a loooooong time. Plus, frankly, I liked having the ability to steal a sip of wine on the sly occasionally. There's no real substitute for a nice, rich red wine.

posted by jrossi4r 16 August | 20:30

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