MetaChat - I've found work somewhat frustrating of late.

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15 August 2007

I've found work somewhat frustrating of late. Which is no big deal, really; I'm doing new things on top of other new things, the group I work with is in the midst of serious change, and thus everybody's too busy to communicate well.→[More:]

This is usually insignificant and not what I'd rather waste your time with, except I post from work. The fact that I post against a stark backdrop of frustration and miscommunication affects my comments here considerably.

I've always been a part-time threadshitter and minor troll, but I've tried to balance my goofs with thoughtfulness and candor about myself and how I run. I don't think I go into otherwise harmonious threads and ruin them, but I've certainly leapt of late at the chance to tussle.

When I'm frustrated, I seem to gravitate toward frustrating threads, or threads with potential seams of frustration that I duly mine with the frenzy of a Yukon panner. Part of this may be my furtive refreshing of the recent comments; if one pops up that I can release a little dudgeon towards, I will.

I don't think my starting point in these forays is wrong, usually, but I know for sure my intransigence is. I have a tendency to draw myself into stances I've just lambasted someone else for; this strains my credibility and makes no friends. Where I should put nothing, I put a sentence, and where I put a sentence, I tend to put forth an argument, and where I put forth an argument, I put forth a defense, and that strident defensiveness, combined with my laissez-faire attitude toward my own hypocrisy, has led me to commit regretful lapses of decency and consideration, which drag discourse into a mire of anger and recrimination (usually and embarrassingly, I get my nastiest when adressing nastiness, real or perceived, in others).

This is specifically an apology to iconomy and to shane, for my having made high stink recently when I should have done nothing at all. I'm sorry.

At first this moniker I chose gave me a carefree feeling, that I could say whatever I wanted, good or bad, and still give vent to dung because, after all, I'm a big asshole. Now it's a bit of a trap, and though I'd love to blame my name or my workplace frustrations for the jerk I become, I really have nobody to blame but myself. I've made my bed, my capacious, filthy bed, and here I find myself lodged in it now and again.

It stinks.

post by: Hugh Janus at: 08:40 | 31 comments

I can't speak for ico or shane, of course, but IMHO you are still very welcome here Hugh. We all go through the darkness, and it affects us all differently.

posted by tr33hggr 15 August | 09:37

I always find what you have to say interesting, even though I often don't agree with it (or even sometimes understand it) and, yes, I've noticed recently a snarkiness creeping in that wasn't there before, or at least it wasn't your predominant tone of voice, which it has become of late.

That you can acknowledge it, own it and apologise shows that your soul hasn't totally been sucked out by the world of high finance.

Now, fetch yourself a Mountain Dew and tell us what your nephew's been up to lately.

posted by essexjan 15 August | 09:46

Yeah, but you're also a good writer, and darn funny to boot. Please stick around.

posted by Atom Eyes 15 August | 09:48

You're more often right than otherwise, IMO.

posted by danostuporstar 15 August | 10:16

This is probably not what you want to hear but,

I feel like this is a pretty typical pattern with you, Hugh. There's been a number of times when you've gotten fixated and strident about something, and pushed it with a peculiar type of anger. Then you get remorseful, apologise and chill for a while. Then it seems to build up again.

Now, I don't know what's driving that, but what I do know is that it means that I don't really pay attention to your angry posts because I figure that they are all part of some sort of mood cycle for you or something. And there's no point in me reacting to them.

It's kind of sad, because it means I pay less attention to what you write in general, and you're a good writer.

posted by gaspode 15 August | 10:22

I think you're a peach, Hugh. I just assume you were heavy into parlimentary proceedure as a kid or something. Which has it's place and charms. Have you considered politics? Dandle some babies, make speeches?

posted by rainbaby 15 August | 10:39

For what it's worth, which is probably not much, I really appreciate your sense of humor.

And sometimes I'll be talking to The Boyfriend, and I'll say, "I was reading MetaChat, and Hugh Janus said this thing ..." and The Boyfriend will start laughing before I get to the thing you said because he can never contain himself when he hears your username.

Why are we all 'fessing up and complaining to/about one another lately? Is it a full moon coming on?

posted by brina 15 August | 10:40

I say it's the heat. Kick off thy shoes, Hugh.

posted by chewatadistance 15 August | 11:31

For what it's worth, HJ, I always look forward to your posts, even though I know sometimes they'll be a little vitriolic.

Also, I know what you mean when you say that sometimes you're in a bit of a mood, and you feel drawn to certain threads that you KNOW you can react to with ill-humor and a little bit of threadshitting, which maybe makes you feel better and worse at the same time. I think it happens to a lot of us (well, I KNOW it happens to me all the time). At first, I tried to just stay out of those types of threads, but after a while I just had to abandon certain environments completely.

Shit, not that I think you should stop reading Metachat, because in general Metachat is totally fluffy bunny. But maybe before you post something that's potentially incendiary you can get up from your desk, walk around a bit, maybe get a drink from the water cooler. When you return, the "moment" might be broken, and you won't be as tempted to be such a janus.

posted by muddgirl 15 August | 11:31

Yeah, I'm just trying to explain myself without excusing myself. If I didn't post at work, I wouldn't have this problem; I'm relatively mellow and sort of friendly when I'm off the clock, but mood/work pressure/indigestion helps me show my worst side.

The likelihood of me posting from home is nil. So I have to either remove frustration from work and keep posting, or not post when I'm frustrated.

That's a decision I could've made without posting the details here, but I wanted iconomy and shane specifically to know that I regret pushing their buttons, and I avoid the accepted course of taking things to email for reasons elucidated elsewhere.

I don't know what these moods are all about. Maybe I'm crazy; I'd sure hate to reduce myself to such a diagnosis, though. I really think that deep down there's something in me that reacts poorly to frustration, and my job (let's face it, every bone in my body) forces me to shove it deeper, but my reaction leaks out randomly in a white-hot jet. This place is a release valve for many people. I have to stop using it as such, though, because what I release is poisonous.

posted by Hugh Janus 15 August | 11:50

Maybe it's the job that's the problem, not you.

posted by essexjan 15 August | 11:54

That would suck, wouldn't it?

posted by Hugh Janus 15 August | 11:56

Thanks, HJ - apology accepted.

posted by iconomy 15 August | 12:09

The summer is winding down and it seems that everyone is exchanging their surf shorts for cranky pants. Cranky pants! I suggest a good, cathartic bench-clearing brawl, then we can start fresh in the fall.

*Gives Hugh wedgie*
*Gives rainbaby noogie*
*Purples gaspode's nurple*

posted by jrossi4r 15 August | 12:14

*runs thru thread waving hiney at everyone*

posted by lonefrontranger 15 August | 12:24

I like that you're a big asshole, because – although this is invariably a falsehood – I feel like it makes me look better when you do. And that's extremely generous of Hugh.

Also, sounds like you might be stressed because I haven't bought you a drink in awhile. This soon shall pass...

posted by Hellbient 15 August | 12:44

More nephew stories!

posted by matildaben 15 August | 12:48

I think it's the suit. Wear this underneath, and you'll feel much better.

(we miss you, fwiw)

posted by Pips 15 August | 13:05

One word:
enema

We need a punchiness protocol.
Next time you feel punchy, put yourself up for a sound spanking or sparring. There should be sparring threads where people can just go in all thunderdome, flailing and kicking. Better than a stream of apologies, a rain of blows and invectives to fight against. Or open begging threads where you ask for abuse or some specific something offered for your comfort, be it scorn, porn or mixed nuts.

posted by ethylene 15 August | 14:12

Now apologize for wearing that shirt.

posted by Divine_Wino 15 August | 14:54

And those pleats.
Then do it again in two months.

posted by ethylene 15 August | 14:59

It's all fun and games until I dash my brains out with a write-off vintage recovery table.

posted by Hugh Janus 15 August | 15:05

*hugs Hugh Janus*

posted by By the Grace of God 15 August | 15:08

Hey, stop purpling my nurple, jrossi!

posted by gaspode 15 August | 15:10

Ladies first, Hugh.

posted by ethylene 15 August | 15:11

How do i find a suitable table to aid in my recovery?

i was about to write something serious about realizing perspectives and priorities but i've decided to follow the path of least rezzizztanzzz

"Little boxes of your head sides
little boxes made of ticky tacky--"

Let us find a goodly bag that wicks away the anger like a fine space age material on the sweat of a day labourer.
Or just find me some.
You New Yorkers and your delivery services.

posted by ethylene 15 August | 15:33

No problem, eth. You get to use the master dataset, the monthly state/state-transition table, also known as the big fucking fucker of a fucking fuck fuck table; after all, larger numbers of observed monthly transitions may yield more robust estimates than annual default transitions; observation of monthly transition dynamics enables additional performance perspectives and loan-loss reserve calculations; and, here's the kicker, it's motherfucking big, a goddamn mountain of data, a fucking rock of data huge enough to dash the brains out of the motherfucking Braniac and be home for dinner. But the little WVR table, that's quick and sloppy; I'll be twitching while your table's still queuing. Yeah, it's slow, but it's the best of the best, segmented to portfolio, period, delinquency, loan-to-value ratio, months on book, score band, and class. You get the alpha cudgel because you so sweet!

posted by Hugh Janus 15 August | 15:59

Crap, there is no marble top or masterful joinery involved at all is there? And here i thought it'd be like a birthing stool with the fun lack of leg.

Look, you like the thick handfuls of greenery these jobs make you, and you sometimes enjoy the tasks at hand. Can't you put that part of your brain away that makes you want to smash things to get the filthy fistfuls of cash to keep you in the manner to which you have become so well accustomed that you become grouchy without your finely beaded truffle stuffer? Maybe you need some zen training or a good ol' fashioned shoulder shaking.

Wake up, man! Wake up and get a grip!
What are these petty inconveniences that are only a bother in so much as you let them be, that wash away with the first breezes that blow past you on the walk away, that wither in the distance before the dream of a moment free to dream?

Can you truly not grasp your graspables?
Do you not see--
--if you cannot bear the yoke of such oxen as these
you much make wise observation of your priorities
with fine and objective perspective.

As Judas said to Jesus:
"Jesus! Snap out of it!"
in the laugh riot called the Last Temptation

Are you still at work?
Run, man! Run like the wind.

posted by ethylene 15 August | 16:16

Hey Hugh - I'm not gonna tell you to not worry, because it does irritate the hell out of me when you kick off. But, I'd be a hypocrite if I started getting all preachy with you. I'm guilty of the same & I think I understand on a personal level where you're coming from. Plus a whole bunch of us are guilty of various social misdemeanors. One of the disadvantages of populating the site with people instead of robots. (* shakes fist at taz *)

Also, your apology to iconomy and shane means a lot to me. FWIW.

posted by seanyboy 15 August | 17:27

Oh well, i just read the thread that i guess has to do with this. And while you do tend to pick a bone to pick at times because you want to pick at bones, sometimes you need a bone picker to unearth bits that never get aired. i'm not saying you have keen timing at all, but it gets airless without a few acknowledged pickers and it seems so many people don't want to say things that stuff gets compacted and take on some shiny veneer from a distance.
i don't like the tendency toward homogeny but there it is.
i like the picking better when it's because there is a bone more than a need for picking.

pick flick buck pluck
say it five times fast

posted by ethylene 16 August | 06:54

HJ, I just saw this now. Didn't read it before. No worries. My comment that provoked you was much more sharp than it should have been and was the result of my own emotions running high on the issue.

posted by shane 18 August | 22:38

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