Heartbreaking, I'm sorry, richat, realy. The only thing that comes to mind, being a practical person, is: Have someone babysit the kids at their place or take them out? That might freak out Jen, though, because of being last minute, have you talked to her?

Put your foot down. If she's a meth addict, she's only there to take advantage of her family and steal love or money. If her mother won't help (or can't be taken advantage of), she'll switch to the next target, your wife. Of course, putting your foot down will upset your wife, potentially very badly. Protecting your children is important. How do you cancel the meal without it being obvious?

The help she needs may be a trip to rehab, not a family dinner. But I don't know how you can protect yourself here. Run to the hills?

Rock and a hard place, man. Be strong.

I think the only thing you can do is support your wife. She wants to check in on her sister, and that's pretty nice. There must be a myriad of feelings swirling around in your wife's heart. I know if my sister was a drug addict and was missing in action for a while, I would be tormented and heartbroken. But what is a person supposed to do in these situations? There is nothing you can do but love her, and support her efforts to get better if she wishes to do so.

Good luck, and I agree to get a babysitter.

No short-term suggestions any better than well-stated above. It’s also hard to predict how the evening will go, so much will depend on the attitudes that all involved bring to the table… I sometimes try to run through scenarios in my head of upcoming events, and they rarely happen the way imagined.

If Jen is looking towards a continuing “relationship” with the sister. Maybe you can get in touch with some of the support groups for relatives of addicts. Or, perhaps Jen can talk to a counselor to help sort things out in her head.

It's such short notice, but I think it would be better for it to be someplace other than your home. Also have your wife get in touch with NarAnon(NA's resource for families)--not NarConon---which is run by the Scientologists.

Hey you guys, thanks for the rallying support.

Some info that your comments have shown me I left out:

The sister's been relatively solid for about 3 years. The belief is that she's not using anything not prescribed these days.

She has been in some rehab/institutional environments over the last 3-5 years too.

Jen and I have spoken at some length about all this. We've agreed that in retrospect it likely would have been wiser to have the check-in occur off the ranch so-to-speak, but...here we are. Jen's pretty much said I am free to speak my mind, and if I don't like how it's going, I can grab the kids and split! So, that's cool too.

Truthfully, one of the parts I just can't wrap my head around, it what the hell to say to her. I mean, I can't get past that beginning. It's fuckoed, but I want to support Jen, of course, but not be dishonest to my feelings.

Give away as little information as possible about what's happening with you, because she'll seize on it and use it to her advantage. You really don't want her showing up at your kids' playgroup because she knows your wife will be there on Tuesdays at 11 and she's all strung out and broke.

If your wife wants to resume any kind of contact with her sister, then I'd second the suggestion of NarAnon or, if there isn't a NarAnon in your area, AlAnon.

Some people are beyond helping, and if all your s-i-l wants to do is use, then you're best not having her in your lives, hard as that may be for your wife.

Oh, and methadone does not rot the teeth. My ex-husband has been taking it for 30 years and his teeth are just fine. It's the meth that's done that to her, and meth is one of the most destructive drugs known to man in terms of the havoc it wreaks within families.

Protect your own first.

I say give her a chance. You haven't seen her in what, five years? Maybe she's gotten her shit together. Yes, it does happen. No, it's not likely, but it's possible. The whole family is going to be there, right? So I think it would be both rude - to your wifes' parents - and overreacting to take the kids out ahead of time. If she goes insane, then yeah, be ready to remove the kids, but give the whole family a chance and see what happens. I mean, her parents will be there, her sister will be there, you'll be there. If she starts acting up, surely y'all will be able to deal with it?

And, honestly, sometimes having a crazy addicted relative who acts really badly is good for kids to see - it beats the hell out of a glamorous image that they may concoct in their minds of an invisible and therefore mysterious aunt.

On preview, having read your comment: How about treating her as you would anyone else? Recovering addicts get tired of having people tiptoe weirdly around them. I know some. I've dated some. They're human beings. They're not horrible slavering pariah rabid dogs who may turn at any moment. Talk to her about the weather, your job, cute things the kids do - anything you'd talk about with any of your wife's relatives that you might not know real well, like a cousin from another country. Just be cool.

Big sigh. Hard road.

Sounds like your sister has an addict in the family. It's not surprising that her sister wants others to take responsibility for her - that's a big part of what addicts do. It's not surprising that your sister wants to help take responsibility and predicts a future of remaining responsible - that's what family members of addicts do, if they don't start thinking about it another way.

Your sister-in-law sounds really sad and her life is certainly a big, stressful mess. But you don't have to both go along with the drama, and neither does the rest of the family. This is exactly why groups like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon were invented - to help families of addicts learn some new ways of looking at and dealing with the addict's behavior, without trying to control or change it. That's up to them to do. But unless and until they do, you don't have to change your life or put your family at risk, or disadvantage, because she asks you to or because you feel obligated. I agree that if your wife's family had strife as they were growing up, it may have been a factor in the development of your sis-in-law's problems. But it affects everyone, and the effect it seems to have had on your wife is making her feel like she has to shoulder the responsibility for protecting or rescuing her sister when she has a crisis. She actually doesn't have to do that, though.

Seriously, I do recommend checking out one of the 12-step groups, or at least looking around in your area for family resources for people with addiction problems. Regardless of the specific cause of the SIL's problem, those kinds of resources can provide support, give you insight, help you maintain your sanity, and make better decisions.

Good luck. Family problems suck. Glad you have such a nice family of your own to bring you joy.

Sorry, a lot of others covered the ground I covered there. My comment was sitting in preview forever. So just add me to the list saying: get in touch with Nar-Anon/Al-Anon.

[continuing to yammer] I'm confused about one thing - who initiated the contact? In rereading your comment I'm not sure whether the sister called your wife, or vice versa. If it was your wife, it might not be too dramatic, because maybe the sister is not in crises (especially if she's had three calm years). But still, you'll probably need to know your family's resources for learning about recovery in an ongoing way, for life.

Another thing I thought of that might be helpful for you and your wife is to sit down and agree on some boundaries for how you will deal with her sister. For instance, you might want to specify: whether or not you would lend her money, whether or not you would let her look after your children, whether or not you'd include her in certain events, how much personal aid you are willing to provide, and so on. I don't know if your problem is horribly acute right now, but some families end up having to say to their addicted relative: "We won't drive you to the ER if you get sick. We will call an ambulance. We won't bail you out of jail. We won't pay your living expenses. We won't come pick you up if you are in trouble somwhere; we will call the police and tell them your location." And so on. It's basically letting go. Harsh, but sometimes necessary.

Aw, richat. I'm sorry you've got to deal with this. I can understand your anger and why you're concerned for your kids. But it sounds like you've already played out the whole night in your head as a complete disaster and have already projected what you think your sister-in-law is going to do. I know this because I do it too. Particularly with my in-laws. I'm always certain that any time spent together is going to be a disaster. Most of the time it's not. Unpleasant, but not a disaster. And those times things do take a turn for the worst, it's always in a way that I never saw coming.

So my advice to you is stop running through awful scenarios in your head. Stop picturing all the ways you'd like to tell her off. Things never go down the way you think they will. Just kind of resign yourself to the fact that you've got to spend a few hours with these people and take each moment as it comes.

Privately discussing some boundaries in advance (including the possibility of you discreetly leaving with the kids if you feel it's warranted) sounds very helpful.

Since she's been stable for a few years and left the family during a volatile period, she's probably as worried about her reception as you are about her arrival.

Good luck with this evening.

Thanks again everyone. You're giving me lots of good input here.

Yeah, Meeks, jen is the one who asked her mom to include the sister in the dinner plans at our house. Sister is not in any crisis currently.

And, jrossi4r, you are right too. I often over think. MGL, you make a good point about how to speak to her. I think part of my issue is that I am still mad at her for all strife she has caused, but I can just go ahead and let that go. I think I am dangerously close to being that guy who thinks he can't move forward until I "get some things off my chest"...which is just dumb in these circumstances.

Thanks you guys. LOTS of good input here. One quick question for those of you who know. I tend to be quite disinterested in any program that includes a spiritual aspect. That one step about recognizing a higher power, as you define it - I'm pretty humanistic in my beliefs, and that one has always chafed at me. As a child of a alcoholic, I've done some looking myself. Those of you who are more versed the the 12 step process - is it possible for someone like me to let that part go and still glean some valuable insight? I sound pigheaded I think...sorry if it's offensive to anyone, that is not my intent.

Yeah, it's possible. I'm very much not into religious dogma and am not a believer in a Magic God who responds to prayers; I'm quite agnostic, actually. But I found a LOT of helpfulness in Al-Anon when I needed it for a while.

There are some groups that are actually intentionally secular. You might be able to find one if there are a lot of groups in your area.

But even if there are not, it's still worth checking out. There are some intellectual 'back doors' in the 12 steps that allow for various ways of getting around what seems to be a religious requirement. There are people who conceive of "Higher Power" to mean anything from their own best self to the fundamental energy that organizes the universe physically to their dog, and I do not exaggerate. What the purpose of the "higher power" thing is to help you understand that you, as an individual, do not actually have the power to control others or the outcome of events - that simple fact is easier for many people to reconcile when they realize that the story of the vastness of human experience in life is a hell of a lot bigger than them.

There are athiests and agnostics in 12-step programs. Here is a nice writeup of a generalized, secular version of the 12 steps. Step 2 is the infamous "higher power" one, usually reading "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity;" it gets rephrased here as "I'm willing to let go of my usual ways, in the hope that this will help me see things from a broader perspective."

The most useful element of the 12-step programs is embodied in the saying "Take what you need; leave the rest." Sure, you might encounter some people who'll say you will never make positive changes without accepting Christ as your savior. Those folks are missing an important part of the puzzle, which is the fact that what worked for them doesn't necessarily work for the next guy. IT hardly matters. I never swallowed the hook of Al-Anon, didn't get a mentor/sponsor and didn't formally work the steps. But at the time I went, it was incredibly transforming and eye-opening nonetheless and I'll always be glad to know it's out there.

Like I said, it may or may not be for you, but it's always there if you want to try it out. You might want to at least get to know some of the basic ideas in the realm of addiction and recovery and how it affects families. There's no commitment required and you're the one who decides if it helps or not. It helped me when I needed it.

Sounds like tonight might be all right, though. Best wishes.

Those of you who are more versed the the 12 step process - is it possible for someone like me to let that part go and still glean some valuable insight?

It is. I don't believe in God and it's not stopped me from staying sober in AA. But my experience is also that 12-step programmes in North America, especially outside the big cities, are far more 'religious' than they are in the UK, they even say the Lord's Prayer, to which I take great exception in an AA meeting. If I was a newcomer and either agnostic or atheist, I'd find that off-putting.

For me the 'higher power' is AA itself.

I've also learned to separate out 'spirituality' from the idea of God. I can be intensely in touch with my spiritual side without it having anything to do with some kind of supreme being or deity. I find spirituality in all kinds of things - the beauty of nature, a sunrise, an orgasm, the company of friends - anything really that moves something in my innermost being.

Yeah, "higher power" can be anything...someone in the states depended on Elvis :-D

I have nothing to ad to the brilliance posted above, but would like to offer a hug and best wishes, and I'm sorry you guys are having to deal with this situation.

meth is one of the most destructive drugs known to man in terms of the havoc it wreaks within families.

Word to that. I could say much, much more about my sister in law, but I'll refrain from hijacking the thread with "let's swap addict stories".

It wasn't for me, richat. The alterna-higher-power thing. I can't get past it. Church-like.

It was still a valuable exploration, though - I did gain some points of wisdom, and I would tell anyone to at least try it a few times.

As someone who has (unfortunately) had a fair amount of people in my life struggle with various addictions, my only advice is tread lightly. Do what you can from a distance, make it clear that none of you are going to be a part of her life until she can prove herself as someone who's only looking for your love and support in her recovery, and not as a source of bail out money or pity. Keep those beautiful little girls away from her until she can prove to be a positive role model in their lives, which sadly may not happen. Be strong.

There's no shortage of crazy in my family, and the alcoholism and other drug abuse is often self-medication. Maybe it will help a little if you think of her as a person with an illness that makes her act crazy.

If she's gotten the mental health support needed, therapy, meds, or whatever, she may be able to be reasonable and safe. I have a family member who is untreated, and requires serious kid-glove handling. I've developed boundaries about how I will interact with her, and my expectations for the relationship are adapted to the circumstances.

Good luck. I hope, for your wife's sake, that it goes okay.

Tough situation for sure, but she's family and, at the end of the day, your wife perhaps feels some responsibility towards her sister, which I can understand. Family are the people who, when you truly have nobody else to turn to, have to help you, after all.

Update for everyone:

It's done. It was nowhere near as awkward as I'd anticipated, and I think she may be a weirdo ex-addict. She doesn't even LOOK like herself anymore. Anyway...it went fine, no theatrics, nothing upsetting or awful.

Thanks you guys, sincerely. Seriously, you totally came through for me and helped me through this. You ALL rock.

Thanks for updating. I'm glad to hear it went smoothly.