I once was trying to explain to a class what "agape" (αγάπη), and the other Ancient Greek words which all get translated as "love", meant. One of the kids mentioned that in his and many other Greek Australian families, "agape" is something that your Grandmother will call you (as will others on rarer occasions). The Greeks have at least three words for "love". "Agape" is used to identify the special kind of love that is completely without qualification.

As you can imagine, this is pretty important to a lot of Christians (a lot of the Bible is in Greek and this is the word used to explain how God is supposed to feel about us), so there's probably a lot of stuff out there about what it means. If you've been to a wedding, you're probably familiar with a selection from St Paul's letter to some dudes. Love is kind, it's not jealous, etc. It's tranlsated as "love" in the Catholic Bible and as "charity" (which doesn't work so well at weddings) in the King James.

Anyway, I'll leave the question of whether or not agape is the correct word to describe the relationship between God and people to others. As my Greek student said, it's the right word for love within a family. There is no "quid pro quo" attached, no expectation, no qualification of any kind.

Sounds great? It also means no diplomacy, no calculation, no fear of falling out of favour, etc. In short, it's the kind of love that can on occasion be nasty in the way only a sibling can.

You're a very loving and loveable person, so I'm very glad you finally got to hear what you really deserved to hear. What I'm trying to say is, if you're worried about feeling "dispassionate" and "not close", just remember that agape is the purest form of love there is, but it doesn't often behave like all the other kinds.

Jan, sounds to me like you're grieving. The damage she's wrought over the years has basically killed off the love I think and yes you're going through the motions (and being an incredible person by doing so) but it hurts you to know you can't feel that way about her anymore.
You've been through grief before, it will get a little easier to bear but you so need some distance from her!

Wow, two great comments above - agape and grief combined are such powerful and conflicting emotions.

Just so much there for you to deal with, be careful to not go into overload. You really seem to be the most caring person. And, it seems that you've thought through it enough to be able to express how you feel. That's gotta be good for you. Take care.

Essexjan, your love for your sister is dormant, not dead.

If it were dead you wouldn't have cried.

Don't pressure yourself about what you do, or don't feel at present. Just know you have been a good sister.

I just had a great weekend with my older sister, and seeing her physically present in my city was eye-opening. She and I are starting to grow together again, after we've spent so much time apart in philosophy and life.

I sometimes like to say that if we had met as strangers, we wouldn't have ever become close friends. But after this weekend and us airing a lot of thing out (over Moroccan food and wine, and scallops and soft-shelled crab later) I can truly say that I totally love my sister.

Jan, I *think* I remember an older post from you (I pay more attention than it shows) about your sister and the past. This is just off the top of my head, so sorry if I am way off, but do you think you are trying to convince yourself you do not have feelings for her, when in fact your anger for the past is not letting your true feelings emerge?

I definitely can relate, I have two sisters whose attitudes have forced me to be detached for my own well being. It makes me sad that I've let my own feelings go, because I WANT to be a good sister who treasures her siblings. It's just very hard when you have little to work with... those kinds of close sibling relationships can't exist from the efforts of only one person. So I do relate to the grieving, and to why you're crying. It's nice that she wrote the note and is trying to appreciate you though... it really shows that she's doing the best she knows how to do with what she has to work with. Which has to be good enough sometimes. It's nice to hear that she is showing you appreciation, even if you can't return her feelings. You don't really have to.

No, carmina, I've worked this through (with help) and I know I don't like her or care for her other than I would for an acquaintance.

I'd be crying even if I got that note from a client. It's a very sweet note.

Very sweet note. Hopefully she will make good on her word, and start turning her life around.

This doesn't seem typical of your sister, given what you've posted before. It is a sweet note, and good for her if she's willing to take responsibility for her actions....but it still doesn't mean you have to like or be around her.

That was a very thoughtful note, and I'm sure she meant it when she wrote it. However, given her past and the odds, it'll take a huge effort to indeed change her life. It's sad in a way that you aren't close, but you can't choose your family, and sometimes family can be more trouble than they're worth.

I'd just take the note for what it is (nice) and hope that maybe in the future (like years from now) your sister will have grown, and you can show her this note and both rejoice over her success.

If nothing else, it's a good sign that she really does realise the mess she is in and that she at least has the intention of trying to "go straight". It's nowhere near the thanks that you deserve, but at least she acknowledges the help you have given her.