"Why, when I was your age we only had 200 channels of television AND WE LIKED IT!"

"This didn't all used to be sand, my grandfather always tells me."

Can you believe that we just *looked* at naked images of people -- that there was a time when pr0n didn't involve ALL of the senses?

Electricity was the shit -- you could just flip a switch, and the whole room would be illuminated. Like a hundred candles all lit at the same time.

And, believe it or not, we didn't have to boil our water before we drank it.

And, yes, the oceans had animals. We called them "fish."

I remember, long before the reign of Bush the Magnificent IX, when our telephones and computers weren't wiretapped, and we could say whatever we wanted.

Good times, good times.

"I ate McDonald's and drank sugary soda everyday and played WoW until the wees hours of the morning. I just celebrated my 140th birthday! Suck it, haters!"

We had REAL trees!

"No, that was when money exisited in physical form."

"We used to be able to buy electronic items that didn't start with i."
"I'm so old, I can remember Presidents who weren't named Bush or Clinton!"
"We number the years in olden times as 'BCC' (Before Ceiling Cat)"

"We'll take my flying car."

"Catch that man, he stole my identity!"

I remember the first time I met your mother.
She was a dark elf from the continent of Triagia and I was an orc. We started going on raiding parties together and that's when I noticed her.

(that should be grandmother... Damn me)

... And now on Classic FM, here's the robot philharmonic orchestra playing the hits of Avril Lavigne.

This iPod used to belong to your father, sonny. He got it from his father, who, in turn, got it from his father, your great grandfather, who bought it the day he went to do his duty in Iraq. He died in a car bomb explosion two months later, and this iPod was the only thing that was left of him. His fellow soldiers brought it back from Iraq and gave it to your great grandmother. When your grandfather was heading off to the first war against the Chinese, she gave it to him as a lucky charm. He survived the war, but three days after returning home, he died in a car crash. In these three days, though, he had managed to make your grandmother pregnant with your father. He, too, grew up to be a soldier, boy. When the time came for your father to head to the Second Chinese War, your grandmother gave him this iPod as a lucky charm. Any luck it didn't bring. He was captured by the Chinese and died in a POW camp. Before that, though, he gave his lucky iPod to a fellow prisoner, who carried it in his anus. When that guy, too, died, he gave it to me, and now I'm here to give this iPod to you.

*reaches for his butt and pulls out a first generation iPod Shuffle wrapped inside a condom*

(loose translation from 22nd century Chinese)

"Now, don't forget to bow to the statue of the goddess taz on your way out, will you dear"?

Let's never forget that it was the awesome power of the MetaChat Hive Mind Computer that solved those pesky carbon thingies that were going to take over the world or something. It was the goddess taz and her sidekick seanyboy who first realised that the power of a million bunnies could be harnessed to run all the power needs of the earth. Of course, there are still some kooks who believe there was a third person, who has sometimes been named as dodgygeezer, but everyone with a brain knows that is obviously a made-up name. That's why everyone who claims to be a descendant of this dodgy geezer (see, it even sounds made up, doesn't it?) needs to be locked away forever - it's for the good of the world-wide community, really.

Also, can you have a look at the latest thread on MeFiYahoo! and make sure I haven't committed any breaches of the Code of Conduct? You know how picky those people are about misplaced commas and that damned son-of-languagehat has been such a bear about insisting that anyone caught out makes a full and frank apology in MeTaYahoo! so that they can be congratulated on their repentance and willingness to admit when they were wrong.

Now, only one of those last two paragraphs stands slightly more than a snowball's chance in hell of coming true. Can you guess which one?

Wait, wait, can you help me with these groceries? Yes, you, Mister, not the robot.

My clones do all my work. I'm virtual, as they used to say.

Remember snow?

Now, where did I put my orgasm pill?

We chop genetically-modified animals up for parts, 'cause there's not much money in bicycles.

Also: "You waited in line to watch Star Wars?"

"You kids and your stomach pumps... back in my day, we'd have to go to the doctor and get liposuction."

"Chuck Norris just became dictator for life? Damnit, somebody vandalized the wikonstitution again, didn't they?"

"This just in--a meteor has crashed into India. The population is rejoicing at being able to sit down again for the first time in decades."

"Thanks, but no, I don't think I'll bother. I saw them on their first 225 farewell tours. Besides, Mick's disembodied head floating in that jar just isn't the same. Yeah, I know he still has the lips."

"Am I the only one who thinks The Simpsons stopped being funny like, oh I dunno, ten frickin' years ago?!"

Ha, mgl! I was just going to post, "Keith Richards just died." But I like yours better.

great-great-grandson of minya just threatened to cut off his cybernetic prothesis!

We wore fish in our pants, which was the style at the time.

"Is it true that Great Grandpa really only had two arms?"

"That'll be 3 trillion space dollars, please."

"Ha ha! Gerkam forituwi!"

Don't be silly, this is a trick question. The only correct answer is silence.

Talking to other people in person was so 2050.

"Dude - that was SO Earth One! Neohip quasi, thou!"